Helen of Troy
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[edit] Origins
Helen of Troy is the first woman who wrote the book about 'How To Leave Your Husband and Cause a Big Big Fuss' (Homer & Slaves Ltd). It wasn't her fault that bronze age Greek super heroes went weak at the knees when they saw her and wanted to sack cities and kill many people in her honour. Doesn't every princess want to be fussed over ?
The kid had a hard start in life when her mother Leda (pronounced |LEE-duh|) who happened to be a swan was 'surprised' by Zeus on one of his regular infidelity field trips. His Divine Dirty Old Manliness had no problem into changing into a salacious seducing swan and left poor Leda with four eggs out of which popped Helen , Clytemnestra , Castor and Polydeuces (the Bollox Twins).
Being brought up by a bird was no laughing matter but Zeus managed to have it fixed that everyone believed Helen and her siblings were 'God Given Kiddies' - so the Greeks had to look after them or else. Helen immediately shone out for as the prettiest girl at her school and the bollux twins brothers mangled anyone who called them 'Omelette Organs' to their face . Only Helen's sister Clytemnestra couldn't handle it and was bullied . She turned out to be a 'real bad egg' later on.
The spreading fame of Helen The Looker got the attention of Greeks. When she was young - an ageing Greek King called Theseus grabbed her as she was playing nude volleyball down by the river bank . However before the old Athenian lecher could do get out his 'perseus' and ravish her - Zeus fired a thunderbolt at Theseus which singed his pubic hair and persuaded Theseus to let go.
[edit] Are you Man Enough for Helen ?
Helen's reputation as the 'passive raver' - led her to book series of 'on the couch' sessions with a succession of Greek hopefuls. When it was announced she was 'on the market' - every Greek hero not on a current mega killing spree or living with his mother turned up outside Helen's back door. In a series of boring contests - a murderous pub quiz, game of suicide darts and running for your dear life from a lion - 'All Man' Menelaus' got his girl. Helen - who perhaps missing her parents - fell for his overdeveloped manly charms and moved to Sparta with him to be the ruler there.
[edit] My Name is Paris Hilton
Too easy to make this joke. So let's talk about another Paris.
[edit] Paris the Plaster Caster
Paris the Plasterer turned up Helen's Spartan palace with the promise to 'smooth out her walls'. This was no accident he was in Sparta as he had been told by the goddess Aphrodite that Helen was the best shag in Greece.
Paris also came from a troubled family background. His parents had abandoned to him on a mountain as the day's lunch for bears when they read the back of their Super Lotto ticket warning them that Paris would bring only Sackage and Pillage for his home town of Troy South Central. However Paris had been found by a local builder and took up the trade of plasterer - totally unaware that he was the second son of a king.
It was a pretty steady job - the women loved him as he had a nice developed case of plasterer's bum' and he was also busy selling 'Good Luck' phallic charms - using his own tool to make the cast. This soon got the youth noticed on Mount Olympus so one day the goddesses Hera, Aphrodite and Athena dropped by his workshop to see if he could make a casting for them. With them came Hermes - officially as the guide - but also there to have a 'good leer' as well. His twin brother Herpes wasn't invited.
Paris was flattered but suspicious. Surely Ares , Apollo and even Zeus were better hung than him - a mere mortal after all. He knew that if he outshone the Gods in this department - they had a reputation of making sure you would suffer.
[edit] The Misjudgment of Paris
[edit] Helen and Paris Sod Off
To cut a long story short - Paris got his girl and they sped back to Troy. There he revealed he was son of King Priam and introduced everyone to Helen. A big party was held and then Paris let slip he just stolen another's man wife - but that no one was to worry because Aphrodite had promised she was going to turn all the Greek men gay.
[edit] Menelaus Loses His Rag
When Menelaus discovered Helen had cleared off with someone he had thought had been hire to decorate the Spartan palace - he got so mad he broke every plate in the city. Realising he wasn't strong enough to take on Paris alone - Menelaus asked his big brother Agamemnon to raise the stink instead and go to war with Troy unless they returned Helen. He also sent an empty crate to Troy and told them to package up the harlot Helen and return her (post was also prepaid as well). But the stubbon Trojans refused. So instead leaflets of Helen's face were sent all around Greece asking for volunteers to come to help - or face a bloody killing field from the menacing brothers.
Before they decamped and sailed for Troy - the Greek leaders needed a name to label their conflict. Some wanted to call it 'Helen the Runaway Tart War' or 'This Has Costs us 1000 ships full of drachmas to Organise This War' until it was finally agreed it shoduld be called 'Operation Kick Paris's Ass' - otherwise now known to history as the Trojan War.
[edit] I've Got the Face, You've got the Ships - Let's make plenty of epics !
The Greeks travelled over Troy and landed on the beaches. However they didn't have any plans and instead just pitched up outside Troy's walls for a massive 10 year party - anything it seems to keep them away from their wives. Also the local epic masters kept the story going as they needed more stories for the Greek Legend Times in Athens. There was a lot of killing etc going on and eventually Paris died when the plaster work on one of his jobs fell off the walls and smothered him alve. Helen eventually married another Trojan called Derekphobus as she liked his trojan weave trousers.
[edit] Helen's Role in the Downfall of Troy
Helen was now becoming a bit crazy after being kept in a the same place for 10 years. Derekphobus bored her to tears (he was just like Menelaus she decided) so when the Greeks left behind the Wooden Horse - Helen went around it saying that she wished she hadn't left Menelaus after all . Once Greeks burst out of the horse and let in the other Greeks outside the walls - Helen was happy to see Derekphobus cut in two. Convinced that Menelaus still liked her - she stripped off and offered her blood encrusted husband a hot session on the couch to let him forget her infidelities.
[edit] Helen and Menelaus - Happy Ever After !
With the sack of Troy - the other Greek leaders were expecting that Menelaus would do something unmentionable to his wife after all their long years trying to sack Troy. Instead Menelaus gave them invitations to a party he was going to throw in advance which none of them were able to get to in the end except Odysseus who turned up 10 years late with some lame excuse about held up some magical island.
[edit] Helan and Menelaus - No Happy Ever After ?
Perhaps they been too long apart etc - Helen eventually asked for a divorce from Menelaus and moved to Mount Olympus because she wanted to learn to ski. However this legend comes from the very unreliable Greek poet Haemoroid who wrote a lot of untrue stories about the Gods - and suffered accordingly .
[edit] Footnotes
- Helen of Troy's life story was later turned into the tv series 'Dallas'.
- Homer doesn't know anything.
- Paris Hilton says her parents were unaware that they had given her a bad boy's name.
- See 'Paris's Plaster Casts'. Amazing discoveries on Discovery channel.
- The Barbie Dolls History of the World has now been turned into a museum (entry free for idiots).
- According to Plato - the story of Helen's abduction is a metaphor for sleeping with your dogs at night instead of your wife.
