Helen Keller
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Helen Keller (a.k.a. God's Cruel Joke and "Patty Duke's mealticket") (1947-2001) was an extraordinary person who sure played a mean pinball. Author of more than 600 books in braille, Esperanto, and Klingon, Keller reached the height of fame before her tragic death following an assassination attempt by becoming the butt-end of more jokes than anyone else could shake a walking stick at.
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[edit] Examples of Poorly Written and Poorly Thought Out Helen Keller Jokes
HOW DID HELEN KELLER PARENTS PUNISH HER?
- Left the plunger in the toilet
- Glued doorknobs to the wall
- Gave her a door-screen and told her it held a secret message.
- Put her in a Circle room and told her to find the quarter in the corner.
- Told her that the closet was DisneyLand, and locked themselves in.
[edit] Adventures and subseguent Spirituality
Helen was discovered and liberated from a stone prison she had been put into by her teacher, Anne Baxter, by wandering sherpas in 1969. After accompanying Baxter and the sherpas on a quest for one of the last remaining copies of the comic-book version of the Book of Mormon, Keller settled in Boston, Texas and began ghostwriting what would become a snapshot of American culture at the time - Interview with the Vampire. After writing the wildly popular book under her pen name, Anne Wheat, she was subsequently raped by a portugese man, of war, and left for dead because it was night and no one could see her screaming. It was as she was recovering from this traumatic event that Helen felt the irresistible call of the Dewey Decimal System and converted to Librarianism.
Helen assisted her fellow radical Librarians with considerable financial contributions as well as her valuable time. From 1872 to 1881, Keller was immersed in the mission field. She traveled with the International Librarianist Foundation of Shhhhhhh! (ILFS), visiting China, East Koreastan, Guatemala, and the Quasi-Confederate Tribes of Inner Mongolia. Using her considerable talent with language, she was able to confuse many an indegionous tribe with her strange "white man hand movements" and was speared many times in ironic misunderstandings. One of such misunderstandings involved U2 lead singer Bono, a golf club, and several anti-abortion clinics. Upon her return to the United States, Keller was promoted to Archlibrarian by retiring officer Mary Bailey.
[edit] Activism
Keller organized and lead several protests against noisy factories, day care centers, and the faux-entertainer John Tesh. Keller and her organization were also incensed by the lack of sensitivity displayed by the bulk of society, and the chronic ignorance of the Librarianist sacred rite of "Quiet Time".
Keller managed to achieve several important victories for Librarianists in America, but not without a heavy cost. Like all great thinkers and progressives except perhaps for Miley Cyrus, Helen Keller had effectively turned much of the public against her and the Librarianists.
[edit] Sexuality
Keller was a confirmed lesbian, choosing to spend most of her life with female "companions" whom she would pick up by running her hands over their bodies, claiming she was in fact trying to determine who they were and what was written on them.
[edit] Quotes
Memorable Helen Keller quotes include: "'Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here a while, My spirits grow dull, and fain I would beguile, the tedious day with sleep."
[edit] Going for Gold
Keller felt that the traditional methods of protest were too supportive of "The Man", and moved to London to use her fame over her hilarious struggles against her disabilites to persuade the BBC that she would be the perfect presenter for their new day time quiz show "Going for Gold".
The original format included participants from across Europe who played a first round of general knowledge questions. The winner went to the next round where they would play Four in a Row, where each of the contestants would pick one of the four categories to answer. After this round two fought to determine who would go through to the final. This would continue for the rest of the week until a final at week's end, when one contestant went through to the grand final.
Keller, however, subverted this tedious routine in a number of ways in order to advance her radical Librarianist agenda. This, of course, further compounded the disadvantages that many of the "Continential" types had by not having English as a first laungage. This suited the Tory government of the day just fine, as it primarily acted to hide the poor state of the British education system when compared with the rest of Europe.
[edit] Drug Abuse
Following her rise to fame, Helen Keller quickly went on a downward spiral after a freak accident in which she slipped off of a waxed stage into an appreciative gathering of rose bushes. She lost movement in her right leg, and several fingers on both of her hands. To deal with her new depression brouht on by the accident Helen turned to the use of cocaine and powdered cocanut seed oil. She quickly became a frequent abuser, and her life continued to spiral downward even quicker, and
many of Helen's friends and family started to take notice of her substance abuse. They decided to put a stop to it and got her a guest spot on the famous television show Intervention, but while on the show Helen strangled three Vietnamese cameramen whom she mistook for small but determined door-to-door religious missionaries/salesmen.
[edit] Assassination attempt
In 2001, Helen Keller suffered severe blunt trauma to her limbs and abdomen after an unknown assassin left a series of garden rakes lying on the floor of her Juno, Alaska home. The autopsy revealed that Keller did not die from the attack, but had overdosed on an inhumanly large amount of oatmeal, spam, and shushi. The world mourned her loss by paricipating in "Blind, Deaf, and Dumb for a Day" vigils, which were a Godsend for the world's pickpockets.
[edit] Influence
Helen Keller has inspired many youngsters to follow in her wandering-crazily-from-side-to-side footsteps. Daily, in most of the western world, children and other psychotic human primates attempt to deafen and blind themselves by visiting goatse and other innernests shock sites repeatedly, by staring at the sun while poking anteater quills into their ears, or by using "Liquid Plumber" as an eyewash as they play loops of Barry Manilow CD's very loudly until sound itself finally fades blissfully away.
[edit] Experience the world as Helen Keller did
[edit] See also
- Tiger Woods -- Keller has recently been linked to the restless golfer
- Blind Lemon Kraftwerk
- Deaf Leopard
