Helen Keller
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“Ujfhajhtjahuvjaiwjtruaj.”
~ Helen Keller on Herself
“Marco! Marco!”
~ Stewie Griffin on playing Marco Polo with Keller
Helen Keller a.k.a. God's Cruel Joke and "Patty Duke's mealticket" (1947-2001) was an extraordinary person who sure played a mean pinball. Author of more than 600 books in braille, Esperanto, and Klingon, Keller reached the height of fame before her tragic assassination by becoming the butt-end of more jokes than anyone else could shake a walking stick at.
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[edit] Examples of Poorly Written and Poorly Thought Out Helen Keller Jokes
HOW DID HELEN KELLER PARENTS PUNISH HER?
- 1. left the plunger in the toilet
- 2. rearranged her furniture.
- 3. glued doorknobs to the wall
- 4. gave her a door-screen and told her it held a secret message.
- 5. Put her in a Circle room and told her to find the quarter in the corner.
HELEN KELLER FELL OFF A CLIFF BUT COULDNT GET HELP, WHY? She was wearing gloves
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? Answering the iron
What is the worst thing you can do to Helen Keller? Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.
[edit] Adventures and subseguent Spirituality
Helen was discovered and liberated from a stone prison she had been put into by her teacher, Anne Baxter, by wandering sherpas in 1969. After accompanying Baxter and the sherpas on a quest for one of the last remaining copies of the comic-book version of the Book of Mormon, Keller settled in Laredo, Texas and began ghostwriting what would become a snapshot of American culture at the time - Interview with the Vampire. After writing the wildly popular book by Anne Wheat, she was subsequently raped by a portugese man, of war, and left for dead because it was night and no one could see her screaming. It was as she was recovering from this traumatic event that Helen felt the irresistible call of the Dewey Decimal System and converted to Librarianism.
Helen assisted her fellow radical Librarians with considerable financial contributions as well as her valuable time. From 1872 to 1881, Keller was immersed in the mission field. She traveled with the International Librarianist Foundation of Shhhhhhh! (ILFS), visiting China, East Koreastan, Guatemala, and the Quasi-Confederate Tribes of Inner Mongolia. Using her considerable talent with language, she was able to confuse many an indegionous tribe with her strange "white man hand movements" and was speared many times in ironic misunderstandings. One of such misunderstandings involved U2 lead singer Bono, a golf club, and several anti-abortion clinics. Upon her return to the United States, Keller was promoted to Archlibrarian by retiring officer Dicrurus Adsimilis.
[edit] Activism
Keller organized and lead several protests against noisy factories, day care centers, and John Tesh. She "said" that she was tired of being labelled a "domineering old lesbo" by the right-winged media. Keller and her organization were incensed by the lack of sensitivity displayed by the bulk of society, and the chronic ignorance of the Librarianist sacred rite of "Quiet Time".
Keller managed to achieve several important victories for Librarianists in America, but not without a heavy cost. Like all great thinkers and progressives except perhaps for Miley Cyrus, Helen Keller had effectively turned much of the public against her and the Librarianists.
[edit] Sexuality
Keller was a confirmed lesbian, choosing to spend most of her life with female "companions" whom she regularly felt up, claiming she was in fact trying to determine who they were and what was written on them.
[edit] Quotes
Memorable Helen Keller quotes include: "Ehhhh", " " "Annnnnnnnie", "Oh Fuck I'm BLIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDD." "Oh well. Where's my clitoris again, and how do I read it?". "Doorknobs, everywhere I stumble, doorknobssssss!!!!!", and "'Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here a while, My spirits grow dull, and fain I would beguile, the tedious day with sleep."
[edit] Going for Gold
Keller felt that the traditional methods of protest were too supportive of "The Man", and moved to London to use her fame over her hilarious struggles against her disabilites to persuade the BBC that she would be the perfect presenter for their new day time quiz show "Going for Gold".
The original format included participants from across Europe who wanted to win the prize. The first round was a general knowledge question round to nine contestants, from these nine four went through to the next round where they would play Four in a Row, where each of the contestants would pick one of the four categories to answer. After this round two went through to answer questions and to determine who would go through to the final. This would continue for the rest of the week until a final at the end of the week, when one contestant went through to the grand final at the end of the series.
Keller however subverted this tedious routine in a number of ways to advance her radical Librarianist agenda, the most obviouse of which was that the general knowledge questions dealt with the correct classification of books within the Dewy decimal system and that Four in a Row was renamed X is a row where X represented a classification in the dewey decimal system. All this of course further compounded the disadvantages that many of the "Continential" types had of not having English as a first laungage, this suited the tory government of the day as it acted to hide the poor state of the British education system when compared with the rest of Europe, this being explained as one of the reasons the show stayed on the air so long and I have been so long-winded here.
[edit] Drug Abuse
Following her rise to fame, Helen Keller quickly went on a downward spiral after a freak accident in which she slipped off of a waxed stage onto a gathering of gays. She lost movement in her right leg, and several fingers on both of her hands. Too deal with her new depression, Helen turned to the use of cocaine and majurana. She quickly became a frequent abuser, and her life continued to spiral downward even quicker.
“Yeah, I remember huffing the blow with Helen, she was one crazy ass mother fucker.”
~ Rick James on Helen Keller
“Helen Keller doing drugs was like Michael Jackson molesting children, it's funny to hear about”
~ Oscar Wilde on Helen Keller
Many of Helen's friends and family started to take notice to her substance abuse and decided to put a stop to it. They managed to land her a spot on the famous television show Intervention. While on the show, Helen strangled three Vietnamese cameramen with her pubic hair, and bit several of those closest to her.
“Nummmgerhffffaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~ Helen Keller on her drug abuse
[edit] Assassination
In 2001, Helen Keller suffered severe blunt trauma to her limbs and abdomen after an unknown assassin loosed a modified Richard Simmons Realdoll in her Juno, Alaska home. The autopsy revealed that Keller did not die from the attack, but had overdosed on an inhumanly large amount of oatmeal and spam. The world mourned her loss by paricipating in "Blind, Deaf, and Dumb for a Day" vigils.
[edit] Influence
Helen Keller has inspired many, many youngsters to follow in her wandering-crazily-from-side-to-side footsteps. Children around the world attempt to deafen and blind themselves daily by visiting goatse and other innernests shock sites repeatedly.
[edit] Experience the world as Helen Keller
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[edit] See also
- Tiger Woods -- Keller has recently been linked to the restless golfer
