From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Helaba is an imaginary dutch word, meaning: "Hey you! Yes, you, bearded lady with those white spots under your mouth." It's considered very cool to shout it in plain public, followed by running away in the opposite direction of the crowd (=crowdsurfing). You will be considered very very mighty if you are doing this dressed like an Iron- Lady-In-Wedding dress imitation of the Archbishop of Belgium.
If you want to be invited in every dutch-speaking home, you must report your acts to the local police station. At this station they will give you a Brown Card (this card can never be falsified) when your acts are proven to be true. You must wear it on a visible place, so everybody can salute or adopt you. You'll get a lot of compliments wearing such a card. Some old ladies will stop by to pull your cheeks and speak to you like you're nine years old. This is common all over the world, so this should not be shocking at all.
edit Bearded stuff
Some hair dressers will, even if you're a lady, recommend Brown Card Owners (BCO's) to wear a beard like ZZ top or the one of Charles Darwin. This is considered horny, you will get a lot of potential friends wearing a true beard, even if you are a girl. But watch out: Santa Claus's beard is a trademark, don't try to copy it. If you do,this will be punished with the death sentence: you will be tickled to death publicly. Everybody who wants to, can tickle you for five minutes with a feather. To be sure this never happens, Santa is forbidden to these countries. If he comes, he's in risk to be executed as an example for the people (these countries never came to the idea to forbid wearing this beard for Santa too). Sinterklaas (Saint Nicholas, 6th of December) and Sinte Merten (11th of November) are now the two disguises of Santa. These men also have beards, but ride horses in stead of reindeers.Places without a Dutch-speaking community, will still worship Santa as a sex idol,destroyer of evil, meaning of Christmas, friend of children, most fertile man on earth and bringer of presents.
edit sdrawkcab delleps abaleH
Some people say the word backwards, then it becomes abaleH or aballez, which means nothing. It's just an expression,an abbreviation of ah,ba... euhm... allè..., meaning I don't know what you're talking about, but I just can't remember the right word,thing or name,and I want you to think I know what you mean (Well,... you know...).
Those who say this,are usually people who think faster than they can speak or the opposite. Sometimes some freaks who say Abaleh, just speak helaba sdrawkcab.
abaleH is considered uncool, annoying and not so fine and rewarding as Helaba. Some people develop a total aversion against abaleH, or against those who say the word, this is still blurry to science. There are reported conflicts because someone might have said something like abaleH. Also, sometimes people are shot or executed for using the word. That might be because it resembles the words Kalashnikov and Russian Roulette so much. For juvenile people Abaleh is therefore considered "De max" and "Vrië Wijs, Nijg" (The Max, Very wise and Very), also for criminal gangs abaleh is the word for the loo, helaba for a parking ticket to the local barber shop.
edit About bees and beekeepers of Holland
In the forgotten place Tere, there is a true cult of Helaba. In this cult, Helaba is a major god with a beard and lots of reproductive fitness (like hippies and medieval popes). Darwin is the descendant of Helaba and lots of pilgrims travel to his home. The beard of Darwin is divine and the cause of evolution. Darwin never knew he had divine ancestors. The cult of Helaba is invented some 20 years ago as a form of intelligent design by a honeybee from Tere. Viruses spread it on beekeepers and these put it over on the rest of the Dutch population, who are now true believers of the church of Helaba. abaleH is a powerful demon, destroyer of the earth and bringer of life, a bit like the Indian God Shiwa.
In Holland, the first country to adopt this cult, Helaba has become the only accepted religion. In Belgium, where the word Helaba originated, people never heard of the cult because of its isolated towns with high city walls. In towns and cities where Dutch inhabitants have found a way trough these walls, the cult of Helaba lives as lively as in Holland and is becoming a bit crazy: only BCO's can wear beards, other bearded people must learn French, German,Turkish or Arabic otherwise they will be deported in containers to England. In Wallonia and France, there is no such cult, not even where a major (touristic) Dutch community exisits at camping sites. There, death sentence is only applied for juvenile prisoners of war. Helaba in these parts, like in Flanders, is just an ordinary word like "merde", "zut alors, j'ai oublier mon jaquet" or "bonjour", which means other word for dung, c;,;:,;,;,,***I have forgotten my jacket and g'day.
edit Spread the word like a napkin
The slogan of the Helabas is "Spread the word", but the exact meaning is still discussed by insiders.Some say, the word is a kind of napkin, you must spread over the table, so people can always invite Brown Card Owners. Others think they just need to shout the word in public (these are the lineages with BCO's. Still others, spread the word by flyers, imprinted with "the word", so the word is always spread. Sometimes people are rude and shout hoi (hi) or prettige dag nog verder (have a nice day). Others think, if I call my DNA the word, and ensure my reproductive success, I also spread the word and it was fun to. These last never use contraceptives.
There are believers who think shouting Epitheton epitheta or any other Latin name brings bad luck.