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“Heinz Guda?” (17 June 1888 – 14 May 1954) was a decorated German general during the greatest hoax in history, World War II, and a renowned military writer. Known as Willy to Adolf Hitler and the rest of his merry fellowship and as Gudy to the Allies, he is regarded as the "father" of armoured war and Blitzkrieg. He was not charged with any war crimes during the Nuremberg Trials, as his actions and behaviour were nice thought to be consistent with those of a professional soldier.
An excellent strategist, Guderian won almost every battle during his stormy life and was respectable among both his friends and foes. What is more, he was a well-known Chick Magnet and the most humorous officer in the Third Reich. He was nicknamed "Der Schnelle Heinz", German for "Fast Heinz".
Biography and carrer
Guderian was born in Kulm, West Prussia, a town which today belongs to Poland. His father was Friedrich Guderian, a junior officer of the army, while his mother was Irtha Ottilie, a mysterious woman, whom nobody knows about. From an early age, Heinz showed his interest in military, by playing many hours with his tin soldiers. He also used to paint panzers, rather than green trees, a smiling sun or the Guderian family -
silly stuff normal children draw. As a teen, Guderian turned out to be one of the most popular students in school and a new Don Juan. His parties were legendary and he frequently dated two chicks at the same time.
He didn't gave up his dream of becoming a military officer though. He attended various military schools and the Pfadfinder (aka Boy Scouts). In 1907 he entered the Army in a batallion, commanded at that point by his daddy. After attending the war academy in Metz he was made a Lieutenant in 1908. In 1911 Guderian joined the Prussian Corps, as the new mascot. Two years later, Heinz married Margarete Georgen, the only girl that didn't succumbed to his charm immediately. With Margarete, he had two sons, Heinz Günter and Kurt. Both became highly decorated Wehrmacht officers during World War II.
During World War I Guderian served as a junior officer, responsible for the entertainment of the soldiers. However, his jokes were not approved by his superiors and was transferred to the army intelligence department, where his humor was better acknowledged. On the same time, while removed from the battlefield, he sharpened his strategic skills. He was promoted to major after the war, due to a splendid stand-up comedy show in Berlin.
Guderian took more and more promotions, as his show was very popular. During the Interwar period, he discovered his writing talent; he released three selections of old German jokes, as well as a love story about two lesbian chicks. He also translated a comedy book, written by the then-obscure Charles DeGaulle. What is more, he studied all-time classics, like Sun-Tzu's writings. Just before the outbreak of World War II, Guderian was one of the most respected militarymen of Nazi Germany and Hitler's personal entertainer.
Guderian personally lead the Nazi troops that invaded Poland in 1939. Polish survivors have stated that he frequently told his soldiers funny jokes in order to encourage them. According to reliable Mongolian historians, Guderian's hilarious jokes inspired the Monty Python's famous The Funniest joke in the World sketch. He rested for a few days with bratwursts and beer, before leaving to lead his tanks in France. Guderian planned a wonderful maneuver, which you will never understand, even if I explain it to you. Anyway, the plan was executed nearly perfect and the French army retreated. Heinz went on to enjoy some fine champagne together with the Führer. While dining under the Eiffel Tower, a funny joke about an ill Jew shopkeeper caused Hitler to laugh so loud, that a fishbone stuck in his throat. Luckily, Hitler's personal doctor was there to offer his help.
In 1941 he commanded a large Panzer group, in Operation Barbarossa, the German invasion of the Soviet Union; he captured many important cities in a remarkably short time, as he wanted to visit the renowned Soviet brothels, looking for some company. Amid dozens of vodka bottles and hot chicks, Guderian was calmly preparing his next movement: the conquer of Moscow itself. Nevertheless, he was ordered to turn his army south and engage Soviet forces in the Battle of Kiev. Heinz easily encircled the enemy with his Panzers. So easily that he thought he was fighting the French.
Guderian protested against Hitler's decision to have his face painted on the soldiers' jacket. His reaction, combined with a couple of bad jokes, resulted in the loss of the Führer's confidence to Guderian. He was relieved of his command on 25 December 1941, after a long Christmas party with plenty of sauerkraut, beer and chicks. Guderian returned in Berlin, finally spenting some quality moments with his wife. In September 1942, when Erwin Rommel was recuperating in Germany from health problems, he suggested Guderian as the only man suitable to replace him in Africa, "because of his strategic skills and excellent sense of humor". The response came in the same night: "Guderian is not accepted. Ha!".
Only after the German had a sausage stuck up to their asses at Stalingrad was Guderian given a new position. Now, as the Glorious Inspector General of Armoured Troops, his responsibilities were to determine armoured strategy; to oversee tank design and production; and the training of Germany's panzer forces. He reported to Hitler directly and bypassed much of the Nazi bureaucracy. For Guderian it was a personal triumph, proving his unremarkable strategic abilities and good taste of humor.
Together with his Panzer staff, Guderian surrendered to American troops on 10 May 1945 and remained in U.S. custody as a prisoner of war until his release on 17 June 1948. Despite Soviet and Polish government protests, he was not charged with any war crimes during the Nuremberg Trials, perhaps because his jokes amused the judges.
After the war Guderian was often invited to attend meetings of British veterans' groups, where he analyzed past battles with his old foes. He also met many important comedians, such as Chris Rock, Woody Allen and Eddie Izzard, most of them being admirers of him. An unrepentant lover, Guderian died for heart attack while intercoursing with his wife, at the age of 65.
Quotes by Gudy
“What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizzas don't scream when they are put in the oven!”
“Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas!”
“Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Because we (i.e. the Germans) like to march in the shade.”
“Boot'em, don't spatter'em!”
“If the tanks succeed, then victory follows and we're all going for some beer!”
“It is sometimes tougher to fight my superiors than the French.”
- ↑ Despite that silly -ian suffix, he was not an Armenian
- ↑ Excluding those with his wife
- ↑ Refering to his strategic views, not his sexual performances
- ↑ Nepotism you say?
- ↑ What a surprise!
- ↑ Including their colour, a power Guderian always wanted to have