Heidern

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Heidern
Name Augustus Jenovah Heidern
Blood Type Can switch between AB+ to O-
Fighting Style Self-taught anything goes martial arts with spellcasting
Weapon of choice Razor-concealed gloves embeeded with black magic
Likes Collecting metal figures, breakfast cereal figures, McDonalds McHappy day trinkets, fishing anything, magic wielding.
Dislikes Lazy spellcasters, anti-magicians, Brazil works, Nazi, gay and emo.
Love Interests Rugal Bernstein's head on his living room wall
Forte on Sports Volleyball
Addicted On Lager and Stout Beer
“This is all about him. By the way, I'm flattered to have such a good reader.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Heidern

Heidern is the commander of the Ikari Warriors and also a skilled spellcaster.

edit Childhood

Heidern was never a normal child, even though he behaved like one. Cheerful and warm-hearted, he used to play with sharp objects such as scissors, knives, and nails when nobody was watching, and playing with normal toys while with other children. At the age of 5, he read almost every book by Oscar Wilde. At the age of 6, he started to see things, such as dead people and other phenomena.

While other children used to chew bubblegum, he used to disassemble Gillete razors by chewing them. He never cut himself.

After some psychoanalysis, it was found he had magical sensibility, but the doctor said to his parents that it was just caffeine in his diet.

Even being skilled in handling sharp objects (His first scar was at age 22), he was never the kind of person who walked armed on street, and was always bullied at school.

At 13, he realized how to work with his inner magic, and his first act was to shut dead people the hell up who tried to talk with him during all these years. After this, he started to harness his magic to his own benefit. He faced one of his bullies, Ryuji Yamazaki, and gave him a powerful elbow strike embedded with light, afterwards named "Shining Elbow". However, this wasn't enough to put him down, so Yamazaki pulled out a knife and tried to stab Heidern.

Heidern then had a brainstorm: He always has been good with remotely sharp objects, and had some magic enhancing abilities that could make some RPG players jealous, so he pulled out his pencil sharpener, held it with his fingers and made a swing, with some kind of power on the blade. With this, he fenced the stab and Yamazaki retreated. He made his very first Moon Slash.

As soon as Yamazaki retreated, many colleagues came upon him and paid relatively high amounts of money (for a child) to Heidern to lay some razors on the local bullies.

Heidern started work as a mercenary from that day on. Since he was - and still is - very good at concealing stuff and stalking, he was never caught in the act with a weapon, sharp object or peeking through Mai Shiranui's window while she was taking a shower.

edit Career in the Army

Heidern entered in the USA Army in the 1970s. He initially enjoyed the life of a soldier, but soon he found the best he could do was to work as cannon fodder, like every other foot soldier. He then made his own army in vietnam and started to officially work as a mercenary.

edit Ikari Warriors Basement

Up to date, this is classified info.

edit Power Moves

Along with years of training, Heidern devised a nice array of deadly moves, crafted to each situation required. Some of them are even used on the King of Fighers tournaments, while others are used just as assisting or warcraft moves.

edit Fighting Moves

The following moves are used on the King of Fighters tournaments and are likely to be performed with a healthy and horny joystick on the Arcade cabinets.

  • Shooting Narnagel

Heidern jumps overhead an enemy then does a multiple knee strike on it, while shooting small, minuscle narnagels on it. Not only those narnagels works on tracking the victims and dealing some handsome delayed poison damage (but the bursting knee and the army shoes hurts more), they also are likely to scratch a lot, specially when the narnagels invades pubic regions.

  • Cross Cutter

Heidern waves both hands to create a double slashing wave crafted to cut crosses apart in four pieces. Despite it's name, the scar usually is in the form of a "X". If you want a cross-shaped scar, he can attack you with a custom "X-Cutter" move.

  • Moon Slasher

His very first special move that he realized while fighting the bully Yamazaki on school. Up to date he is capable of cutting a triple reinforced 25" iron bar using only a chopstick. Many people think the move is named after the "half moon" joystick motion or the resemblance between the crescent moon and the move's shockwave. But the truth is, while looking for a suitable name for the move, he was assaulted by Michael Jackson performing his dreadful Moonwalker SDM. Heidern had no choice but to break the Moonwalker with his most instant attack available, properly afternamed Moon(walker)Slasher.

  • Storm Bringer

Heidern's signature move. He sharpen his claws and tries to catch the enemy's chest. If sucessful, he pierces the chest and touches the victim's heart and start to drain his blood, stamina and any nourishing substance promptly available.

In reality, this is only the first stage of the attack, but since most people are impatient and the fights are so quick, almost no one sees the secondary effect of this powerful inchantation - a wild storm starts to form and is brought over the battlefield about 40 to 50 minutes after the spell is successfully made. Most people thinks it is just natural causes.

Once there was a sword named Stormbringer that used to be a sentient sword, anyone who wield that was possessed by it and was forced to murder anyone known to quench the bloodthirst of the sword. Also healing the wielder and bringing a raging storm over the battlefield to make a mourning climax to the hapless wielder. But Heidern came once, retired all the power from the sword, cursed it and now that sword is working as a familiar for Alucard.

Heidern's gloves works like the original Stormbringer sword, but with all the disavantages chopped out (It would lack range, but his arms have quite long).

Note: Heidern can instead try to huff his enemy's soul while performing this.

  • Death Bringer

A arse-up version of the Storm Bringer. He crosses his hands in mention of a countermove. If someone is fooled to attack him in this "rat-trap" mode, Heidern will wrangle and strangle up his enemy (or grope and make a hand-bondage if the enemy is a woman) while sucking energy from the enemy's spinal cord.

The damage on men, monster and bad-looking women works because of the muscle distension, choking and the life draining itself, while Heidern replenishes his own.

The damage on fine-looking ladies is more nastier: While on a swift and acurate groping maneuver, Heidern whispers things that would make Oprah cry in terror and exposes their apparent vulnerability. Such terror, peer pressure and blackmailing makes a outstanding real damage (considering he made this only by whispering and groping), while the healing properties are provided by the sadicist pleasure of groping and blackmailing. It is known that Heidern would get enough energy to almost splode if he makes a Death Bringer on Mai Shiranui, so he takes care to make only quick moves - So quick that she didn't even notice she was touched.

  • Neck Rolling

Pretty obvious. He jumps on the enemy's neck and rolls like a crazy madman on crack. This wouldn't deal much damage, if wasn't by his powerful claw-like gloves. This move can easily behead a normal human head or even a dragon. For fighting effects, he cauterizes the wound 0.05s after he makes it, making a very effective non-killing-but-fucking-painful move.

  • Final Bringer

Basically, a Neck Rolling with added Stormbringer at the end. But both are made more powerful and this time Heidern will try to steal ALL the blood from the enemy's veins and convert to his own blood. Isn't as far as effective as most SDM moves, but since it still deals a LOT of damage and the same damage dealt is replenished for him, this move is often used to change the tide of the fight. He is blamed that with this, he can fight forever.


  • Final Bringer SDM

A more improved version of the Final Bringer. Heidern will attempt to steal not only all his enemy's blood and nutrients, but also will, using his advanced kitten huffing extreme pratices, try to make human huffing, by draining his enemy's soul. Anyone affected by this move is permanently screwed up for good.

edit How he lost his eye

One of his missions involved him with Drug and weapons traffic. His mission was to find the kingpin and terminate it. Smart as hell, he knew that would be too dangerous, so got all his crew - after saving Ralf and Clark from a slugs and snakes inferno- and accepted to do the dirty job, if his family were protected.

As a worldwide-but-topsecret concern, CIA, KGB and FBI agents were hired to protect Heidern's home-sweet-home.

As soon as Heidern found that Rugal was behind all, from the Gulf War army surplus to the drugs used in Australia, it was a matter of seconds to Rugal make his move. Predictable as hell, Rugal kidnapped Heidern's family. The heavily armed army at there wasn't a problem, both to the fact that Rugal is too damn powerful, but also by the fact that CIA, KGB and FBI couldn't work at the same site at the same time, so they started to slaughter each other.

Heidern ran as fast as he could - even learning shadow teleport in the process - to find what happened with his family. He found a piece of paper with a map drawn on it. It had a diagram with eight islands with four zones in each, in the end of each zone was a fortress with lava inside. Also he noticed the last fortress is originally a ship, the Blacknoah to be most precise. He wasn't willing to do the mario-esque ambitions of Rugal so he warped directly to the zone 8-4.

edit At the Blacknoah

At the Blacknoah was Heidern - still blond and eyes in both eye sockets, no eyepatch -, Ralf Jones - without that bandana and jacket -, Clark Steel - Without the Argentine Backbreaking moves and the eternally-fused-to-the-skull sunglasses, and all his 864 men at the time.

Rugal had about five seconds of fun - time enough to slice in ribbons almost all Heidern's crew with his Genocide Cutter. (Only the two aforementioned nooblets survived)

Now Rugal wanted to use Heidern as a puppet using his family as bait. For some reason, Rugal found that would be interesting having a one-eyed thug, so unplugged one of his eyes from his right eye socket. But since Heidern wasn't willing to help, Rugal decided to kill him. But since he was the best opponent in ages, Rugal thought he would deserve to die with style. He gathered a gigantic amount of energy, but when unleashed it, Heidern's wife and daugther blocked the attack, and vanished from the earth's surface.

edit Rugal's Punishment

Rugal hadn't any energy, not enough even to wave his hand. So he thought he could get a snap then come back to kill the rest of the intruders. Unfortunately, for Rugal, the A-Team came in a helicopter and rescued all the survivors, and he couldn't make even a fistfuck against it.

A little after, Rugal received a Roundhouse Kick from Chuck Norris - a bit cliché, i know, but the man hates cold-hearted moves so he had to act! - and that ripped only his right eye. Amazed that he survived the kick without spellbinds, he called Goenitz to give him a reward.

Then Rugal got a bit of the orochi's blood (whose blood has about 0,0001% of Chuck Norris blood) that was enough to boost his capabilities to hell.

edit Back to Home

Back to home, after Mr. T and Murdock paying back a favor to him, Heidern mourned for about four seconds, time enough to him to rebuild himself and his army.

The biggest kick on the crotch now is to train the survivors, Ralf and Clark, whom used to be the worst nooblets he ever had to train. But since they survived, according to Darwin, they might have some hidden potential.

During the training, Ralf crashed about 19 helicopters. Only in 1987. Heidern was forced to enter in the gaming business and made a relative successful arcade game, Ikari Warriors. The opening scene shows a footage of one of the planes that Ralf crashed while on Brazil.

edit Heidern's Crew

Unlike 99,6% of the usual army commanders, Heidern is very concerned about the safety and happiness of each of his men/women, thus making his army the most effective army ever created. If wasn't by Rugal Bernstein (whom killed almost all of his men in the mission), his cannon fodder ratio would be absolute zero.

Up to date Heidern counts with about 942 highly-trained soldiers, among men, women, five ghosts, two mordor orcs, a troll, four penguins that worked on that movie called Madagascar, a sasquatch and a Walrus presumably stolen from some random Mugen site.

edit Worthless Facts

Heidern is the commander of the Ikari Warriors, and issues commands to his adopted daughter Leona Heidern and his best soldiers Clark Steel, Whip, and Ralf Jones; and is also known as the "General of the soldiers of Fortune". Back in 1986 (eight years prior to the King of Fighters '94 tournament), Rugal Bernstein had kidnapped Heidern's wife, Sandra, and daughter, Clara, and challenged him to try and take them back from him. Heidern had no choice but to take the bait, and he and his men directly assaulted Rugal at his Blacknoah. Rugal killed all of Heidern's men by himself, saving Heidern for last. Before Rugal could finish him off, Heidern's family interveined, and sacrificed themselves to save him. The incident left Heidern alone, and missing an eye. After that, Heidern made it his mission to get revenge. After he had re-established his team, the Ikari Warriors, he went after Rugal to get his revenge.

He is the master of his own brutal self-made martial art, involving cutting with the use of bladed gloves, which seem to conceal explosives and a form of energy generator (used for his signature attack, Storm Bringer). Though, it's possible that this is simply ki.

edit Quotes

“He just scaries me...”
~ Athena Ashamiya on Heidern
“Don't worry, Athena, he is very docile... I will touch his hand to prove that he isn't aaaAAAAAAAA!
~ Steve Irwin on Heidern
“OHHHKAAAHHYYY!!”
~ Terry Bogard on throwing his hat at Heidern
“Looks like i'm not the only with a cap here...”
~ Clark Steel on Terry Bogard
“Would the weenies please stop that convo?”
~ Heidern on all, while healing Steve Irwin's injuries
“OHHHKAAAHHYYY!!”
~ Terry Bogard on Heidern, daring him to fight
“COME ON BITCH! STORM BRINGER!!”
~ Heidern on Terry, sucking his vitality
“I bet $200 on that one with a eyepatch.”
~ Mr. T on the occurring fight
Personal tools
projects