Heiden

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 14:43, May 1, 2008 by Fnoodle (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
Heidem

Never underestimate the brainless persistence of this ugly bastard.

edit General Info

Heiden is a prophet from the lower Netherlands, having his residence in Limburg, but as he hates almost all people who live there, he prefers to call his location more precise: Mijnstreek-Oost.

edit Claim to fame

Heiden has photographs and a translation of the dead sea scrolls, they were offered to him on e-bay, from an independent buyer, analists however, believe they are stills from the movie "Blade", and the translation to be a cut-out from sierra's 1992 game "Quest for glory II - Trial by fire". when he was doubted, he resolved this with an iron rod.

Heiden has also tracked the down the arc of the Kovenant, it is located at a secret facility known as Mijnsteek-Oost, and guarded by people who are referred to as "limbo's", or "vlaaien". This group is highly violent, and consider them selves modern crusaders for the the defense of modern humanity and seek to undo all the lies history has told them. Nobody who teaches history was around when it happened, except an immortal prophet called "sinterklaas", so they must be lying. Generally, groups of "vlaaien" spend a week in spain each year hoping to find this prophet.

Heiden, by his followers often lovingly referred to as Heidi, has single-handedly translated the stone tablets with a laser pointer pen and an ancient decoder ring from a tribe called "Kellogs", after consuming a tray of "Hollandia". With this, he undoubtedly earned the right not to be questionned, as de scripts from the tabled clearly stated that anybody who questions his theories is a narrow minded conspiracy theory believer, also known as Zog.

He again raised the iron rod against his critics. The iron rod has since then become his trademark, and a symbol to his fellow believers, should he ever find any.

God talks to heiden, in a form of a bright light, with a thundering loud voice, the most common words "Hands on your Head", when he does what is told, or not, god immobilizes him and places him in solitude for a night, then his angels release him.

edit The Present

Heiden now resides in his Mijnstreek-oost residance, meditating and drinking Hollandia. Nobody dares to approach it. Once a month he goes to the Aldi, to buy a new cloth to polish his Iron rod, and more Hollandia. He has recently been spotted while ranting about capitalism. According to his newest philosophy:

'I have worked longer than most ZOGGERS ever will in their life. Therefore it is now time for me sit at home get unemployment benefit and drink beer.'

Basically he is now a drug abusing lout who is a parasite on society's backside. In essence Heiden is currently nothing more than an unemployed Turk or ZOGGIEJew.

Sometimes he calls out through communication media such as the internet, finding new followers for his religion.

The best known of his followers is an apprentice he recruited through a forum filled with conspiricy theories.

According to Heiden, everything on the internet is part of a global conspiricy against him, unless he has put it on there himself. Therefor, he has declared the Internet an invention of Zog and made sure nobody in Limbabwe has access to it. This particular action was noted by historians as the only one that was appreciated by all people in the Netherlands.

Heiden wants to enter "Valhalla", even though the events with the stone tablets would indicate different. When questioned, Heiden claimed that both the tablets and the arc where taken from castle Greyskull, and the stone tablets were carved by Barney the dinosaur, who had witnessed the creation of mankind(Wodan was playing a modified version of "nintendogs").


edit The Heiden philosophy

Heiden's ten Commendments

1. Thou shalt have no doubts about your own knowledge

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee someone else's opinion

3. Thou shalt not ever release thy source of knowledge

4. Remember the weekdays, to keep it holy, do not work

5. Honour thy Aldi and thy Hollandia

6. Thou shalt not think, read or listen

7. Thou shalt not commit acts of manual labour

8. Thou shalt not understand

9. Thou shalt not complete thy work.


General Guidelines

Each and every theory, statement or announcement should be accompanied by at least one out of the following mathematical sequence:

3, 6, 9, 14, 18, 36, 46, 54, 66, 88, 128, 192, 288, 333, 666, 999

This will ensure the source is independent and reliable, and the theory is not infected by unpure elements. Hence the singularity 88 in this sequence. Respect it's importance, this is emphasized by the mathematical inexplainability, but do NEVER question it.

Personal tools
projects