Heggedal
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“The 'what' that lies 'where' and is inhabited by 'who'?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Heggedal
“Holy ****! Did i do that?”
~ God on Heggedal
“Heggedal is a disease, a cancer of this planet. It is a plague, and we are the cure.”
~ Agent Smith on Heggedal
“I cannot tell a lie. This place stinks!”
~ George Washington on Heggedal
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
~ Luke Skywalker on Heggedal
“Wery nice, How mutch?”
~ Borat on Heggedal
Heggedal, also known as Heggehøl (Heggehole) or The Valley God Forgot, is the blackest black hole in the whole known universe. It turned into a black hole due to a slip in God's creative process. It has nothing to do with Ted Haggard.
The black hole is currently located in the deepest valley in the whole of Norway. It's so deep, water runs upward. No one knows why, but neither does anyone care. However, the Norwegian government refuses to admit its existence. When confronted with it by the press, supreme chancellor Stoltenberg went and hid in the presidential toilet where he has been sitting to this date.
The Lokers that inhabit Heggedal are all believed to be descendants of immigrants from Mordor. They spend most of their time Loking (stand around and do nothing) outside the Pizza'n (The headquarter of the Lokers).
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[edit] History
At the beginning there was nothing. As a matter of fact there were such a complete infinite nothingness that only the jokes of Eddie Murphy has ever comed close to matching it in lack of matter. Then all of a sudden God (See Allah, Buddha and Booze) decided to add something to the nothingness. Out off nothing there was created the earth. However, God forgot one small spot. This spot remained a place of nothingness and was called Heggedal, which in the language of the elders mean 'Spot that remain a part of nothingness'. Another translation may mean something like "That unpleasant gunk that gathers between your big toe and the toe next to it".
[edit] The Heggedalian religion
Even though there are many Jehovas Witnesses in Heggedal, which hold their weekly meetings at the Rikets Sal, the real religion of Heggedal is the pagan tribal religion called "Gurka". It's a religion that worships the river Skithegga. This river is considered holy to the Heggedalian population, not unlike the River Ganges of India. People bade in it, and drink it. From the side of the old factory that is located next to the river, a waterfall runs out. This water is considered extra holy, and sold in small glass bottles to keep around the neck. At the bridge from the holy factory parking space and to the yellow barber shop house, a sacrifice is held every 4th year. The shaman sacrifies a dog and bless the wooden bridge with it's blood.
[edit] The War-Years
Down the infamous thoroughfare Kiwi alley, where the sun never shine, there once was fought a brutal war. The noble Space Otters had seen themselves tired of having a black hole right in their jurisdiction, so they decided to hop on the Bush-Wave and bomb the hell out of it for no apparent reason. This action was met by tremendous applause by the people of Norway. Although they had never heard of Heggedal it appeared to them to be place not worth a load of Crap, so nobody really cared what became of it. Note: It is to be noted that none of the inhabitants in Heggedal has been queried on this last fact. And if we can help it, they never will be.
The battle (bombing) of Heggedal was not without retaliation from the locals. The obstinate, if not very bright Lokers who only had våte sneiper (wet, used cigarettes) to toss at their enemy, were fighting a losing battle. However, they were all too high on certain illegal pharmaceuticals to realize.
[edit] The Post-War Years
After the victory over the Lokers, the heroic Space Otters watched over Heggedal for several happy years. They tried to rebuild it, but the damage done was far too great. Even after rebuilding the local Library and the Post-office, the innocent inhabitants of Heggedal suffered from deep mental wounds that eventually turned them all to lokers. This is when the Space Otters realized something. They realized that neither they nor the people cared about what the heaving hell went on in Heggedal, and eventually they packed up and left the wretched place to it's own devices. In later years, Satan has become interested in this cesspool, and has started the construction of several upside-down satanist churces in the area close to Kiwi. There's no satanists in Heggedal, however, since everyone living there considers him to be something of an amateur.
[edit] Population
The current population in Heggedal currently consists of two different types of 'people'. The main hub of the locals, is the above mentioned Lokers, who make out 97,8% of the local fauna (flora?), possibly flatworms?)). The remaining 2,2% of the population in Heggedal consists solely of people that do not want to live there, and justly so. As is mentioned above, most of the inhabitants in Heggedal are related to immigrants that came from Mordor. They were Sauromanns first (failed) attempt to create Uruk-Hai, and somewhat pathetically known as Urkuk-Hei?. When the White Wizard realized that his attempt had failed, he banished them to the place first to be known as Heggedal-Kuk, later just Heggedal. Long words are not something Lokers excel in. They do excel in prejudice, stupidity, egotism and bad grafitti, however.
[edit] Tourism
None.
No human being in his right mind would willingly travel to Heggedal in his or her vacation time. However, as there are quite a lot of people in the world that are not in their right minds, there is the occasional German or Portuguese that happens to visit the black hole. They are, however, usually not staying for long. Whenever a poor unsuspecting tourist finds his way into Heggedal he is usually met with crucifixion and stoning. The Lokers in Heggedal see all outside intrusion like a threat from Satan, and it has often been known for them to pray to their own 'God' for help against these heathens from the outer world.
[edit] Things To See
None
As the Whole place is a black hole, this is quite natural. The most exciting thing to do with your eyes when visiting Heggedal is closing them and seeing what’s on the inside. If you absolutely insist on looking around, your brain will eventually shut down out of boredom after a short time.
[edit] Things To Do
None.
Unless you are fascinated by watching or participating in the Sport Loking (which as mentioned before consists solely of standing around, doing nothing) there is absolutely nothing you can do in Heggedal that isn't harmful for your mental or physical health. You could always go take a swim in the (in)famous Gjellumvann, but your limbs would probably fall of due to the extremely toxic nature of the so-called 'lake'. If you're lucky, you may get away with simply being eaten by a mutant pike. Or possibly, a mutant pike-fisherman.
[edit] Education
Some students go to Hovedgården Undomskole. It looks like a huge brick and smells a lot like marihuana, mostly because there is so much beeing smoked there. The students are divided in two groups: The Lokers and the rest. The teachers don`t have personal hygenie.
[edit] Fashion
A chapter of such immense sadness that even Larry King breaks out in silent agony when trying to read it. For the readers own personal safety we therefor chose to cut out this part.
