Heck
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Heck (Officially Heck, Where Wings Take Dream) is the name of a series of theme parks first opened in 1914 designed to provide a positive experience for sinners. The first theme park was opened in Georgia, USA by Daniel Westbrook. There are now four locations across the world: Georgia, USA; Birmingham, England; Ontario, Canada and Paris, France.
Heck is often confused with Hell. Heck is actually a subsidiary of Hell, and was designed after a similar aesthetic.
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edit History
Heck was first opened in Georgia, USA in 1914 by Daniel Westbrook, who had died three years earlier. Westbrook felt that sinners such as himself were unfairly treated after death, and that provisions should be made so that those in hell could have as much fun as those in heaven. He sketched out designs for a theme park in a restaurant in hell while eating dinner with his long-time friend and colleague, Jonathan Francis. Francis initially expressed his doubt, telling Westbrook that Satan would not allow the theme parks to be built on principal.
Despite his concerns, Francis helped Westbrook petition Satan into granting them planning permission. Satan was reportedly happy to help Westbrook accomplish his idea, noting that it would help to improve Hell's image.
In 1916, Francis confronted Satan, claiming that he was taking an unfair proportion of the profit that the parks were garnering. During the resulting renegotiation, Satan proposed that Francis and Westbrook expand their enterprise to Europe to help with Hell's public image elsewhere in the world and agreed to be less unfair as a compromise. On his way out of Satan's office, Francis was given a wedgie, although Satan has persisted to deny allegations that it was him. He was quoted as saying "shyeah, he wishes I'd touch his butt" in response to these claims.
In 1920, after seeing the success of the Paris installation of Heck, Westbrook quickly decided to build a park in Birmingham, England. By 1936, an additional theme park was built in Ontario, Canada. No further plans to expand Heck have been revealed or speculated upon.
edit Rides
Each Heck establishment features four roller coasters and two water rides. The latest rides to be introduced were the roller coasters The Rapey Rogers and The Slamminator, both introduced in 2003.
edit The Toaster Coaster
Along with The Tunnel of A Billion Thumbtacks, The Toaster Coaster was one of the first attractions to be built in Heck, and remains the park's most popular ride to this day. The ride is ostensibly a standard roller coaster, but features a plummet into a pit of fire about halfway through. This feature makes the ride popular among younger audiences, and for a brief period during 1985, the ride was adorned with Back to the Future logos and illustrations as a promotion for the movie. This was met with mixed reactions; older audiences felt patronised while younger visitors were generally pleased with the promotion.
Despite the generally positive experience had by most visitors, The Toaster Coaster has been criticized by several people. Editor-in-chief of Theme Parks Bi Monthly Magazine, Barbara Walsh said, in her 1993 review, that the seats of the ride were "very inappropriate" and made her feel "violated". She also commented that the ride itself was "uncomfortably warm", stating that the fire was "not only unnecessary, but it violates a number of health and safety rules". Satan himself issued a response to her review a month after its publication, saying that Walsh was "a fat idiot" and that he was going to "tell everyone she's a hooker".
edit Water Rides
Two water rides were introduced in the Birmingham and Ontario locations in 1964 to generally negative responses. People felt that the inclusion of water contrasted too much with the fiery aesthetic throughout the rest of the park. Despite initial reactions, the water rides are now a favourite among visitors and attract an estimated 5.5 million collective visitors per annum. The rides are called The Drowner and The Slower, More Painful Drowner respectively.
edit Other Facilities
The Heck Hotel was first opened in 1979 on the site of the Paris theme park. The rooms are noted for their tasteless decorations. With the advent of context-sensitive wallpaper in 1982, Heck Hotels were able to display constant, surrounding video footage of residents' dead relatives being tortured in Hell. Although this is often criticized, it is generally accepted as a part of the resort's ambience, and the inclusion of this wallpaper is seen by some as a quirky way of connecting with residents.
Restaurants were opened in Heck in 1981, the first one as a part of the Georgria site. The restaurants are unique in that they do not sell food, but livestock. Customers are instructed by waiters to slaughter and prepare their own meals, and once a customer has commited themselves to a certain dish, they are prevented from leaving until this task is complete. The restaurants, however, do sell beverages. Currently, the following drinks are served: water, Coke, Diet Coke, Fanta and milk.
Alcoholic drinks include ethanol, water avec ethanol, Coke avec ethanol, Diet Coke avec ethanol, Sprite Zero and milk.
edit Controversies
edit Sarah Miles
In 1983, Sarah Miles, a 13 year old deceased girl, was sexually assaulted in the public bathroom of the Paris site by an unnamed member of the Heck staff. Miles was then released by the staff member in question and placed into no further harm. Georges Benoit, the chief security officer of the Paris branch at that time, issued the following statement three weeks after the incident.
| I'd like to officially apologise on behalf of my staff to everybody. What happened to Sarah Miles was simply unacceptable, and you can rest assured that the gentleman who commited this unspeakable act is no longer on our staff. We are currently in the process of retraining our staff in this particular area, and it's something that I will keep a close, personal eye on. This is something I feel very strongly about, and I don't want this mistake to be made a second time. I want to make it clear right now that our guidelines state very explicitly that staff should never allow a rape victim to simply walk away after the incident. According to chapter three of the Rules and Regulations Guideline, 1981 Revision, staff are required to murder anybody they see fit to rape immediately after raping them. You can be sure that this won't happen again. Thank you. | 
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edit 1992 Bomb Scare
In July of 1992, Heck's Birmingham branch was forced to close for a day due to the lack of any scheduled bomb scare. Satan insists that he "mixed things up a bit" and removed the bomb scare on purpose "for shits and giggles". Safety technician Charles Dawson, however, claims that "the bomb scare that was scheduled for that day was simply lost in the post. Nobody could have seen this coming. We've not gone a day without a bomb scare here since we opened, so there's an understandable commotion here. I'd like to reassure everyone that we can all calm down and everything will be back to normal by tomorrow".
edit Criticisms
edit Religious Implications
A number of atheist critics have pointed out the impossibility of a place such as Heck existing, as it caters exclusively to prisoners of Hell. Richard Dawkins, a geneticist famed for his outspoken views against faith and religion, said that it is "very irresponsible of Heck" to exist at all, and that "if they had any sense, they would stop all of this silliness immediately". Satan remarked in an interview that "Dawkins is a nerd anyway" and that he "should punch his stupid little glasses off his fat, gay face".
By way of response, Dawkins published a book in 2007 titled Why Satan Should Suck My Balls, which was intended as both an invitation and an insult to Satan. In early 2008, Satan told a Fox News representative that he would "love to" suck on Dawkins' testicles after reportedly receiving endorsement to do so from Dawkins' mother.
Atheist critic, Robson Peters noted in 2001 that one of the implications of the apparent existence of Heck, and therefore Hell, was that morality, often thought to be subjective, must actually be totally measurable and quantifiable in order to define who is a sinner and who isn't. Peters said that this was "really quite worrying" and that he needed "a bit of a lie down".
edit One Bathroom per Site
Visitors are often frustrated by the presence of only one bathroom at each Heck branch. This is often described as grossly disproportionate to the number of visitors, inhumane and unsanitary. Satan himself has described it as "fucking funny".
Each site's bathroom is identical and consists of one very small stall with no door at the end of a long, thin corridor which houses the queue. Regular checks ensure that the bathroom is unclean and has an insufficient amount of toilet paper at all times.
