Heavy metal
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Heavy metal * is the 666th element in the periodic table of alchemic mixology making it the heaviest of the metals, in fact the heaviest of all known naturally occurring elements, even heavier than rock. It was discovered in 1964 by the German physicist Max Lucifer, who sold the rights to the discovery to King Diamond in exchange for his soul. It was not until the industrial revolution of the 1970's that it became important as the primary ingredient in the manufacture of Lead Zeppelins. Coincidentally, when the revolution died down in the 1980's another technique in Heavy Metal handling was found. This new way to handle Heavy Metal gave astounding results creating a wide range of products, products like : A musical version of Judas' followers and a brand new torture device which actually gave enjoyment to the victim.
Heavy metal is often blamed for heavy metal poisoning, which can lead to suicidal tendencies in teenagers. It is also one of the sources of headbanging syndrome (along with hard rocks). It has been said that this headbanging disease is spreading all over North America and has made its way to England. These Brits love it, even though their parents are trying to cure it with Scientology, a "medicine" made of pure bullshit that can be purchased at any local Tom Cruise store. The element is mainly found in Norway, Sweden, Germany, England, Holland, Canada, New Zealand and sometimes the United States of America. Especially Finland, where it is found in an almost pure form. It is believed that Finland sits on a potential mine of pure heavy metal, and that the Finns themselves have almost all been mutated into metalheads by it. The Norwegians and Swedes also have been known to undergo mass disfigurements. Lately, heavy metal gained a huge audience in retro-80's cultures of Eastern Europe (Russia or Poland) and South America (Chile or Argentina), each claim (and fight in concert riots) the title as the birthplace of emos and goths alike.
[edit] Origin
Diametrically opposing energies in self-sealed plasmadermic bubbles...they make great pets!
The origin of heavy metal is a result of another element, Hendrixium. This element is known for having high power and rocking hard, but it has an incredibly short life. Scientists attempted to synthesize this element for use in electric guitars, thus creating heavy metal. However, this failed miserably, due to Hendrixium being so awesome, in fact, almsot as cool as Chuck Norris (AKA Godium), so a bunch of people went to Compton, and when gang war broke out between a bunch of honkeys and early chavs, the resulting awesomeness created Heavy Metal (or as it was called back then: Comptonium)
Manufacturing of this element is dangerous and is best done in experienced professional labs, such as the Metallica Engineering Laboratory AKA Damage Incorporated. Attempts by amateurs to create this element often result in death, loud noise, and demonic possession.
If you combine these elements it is possible to fly a maximum of 3 feet high.
After all, we all admit that the Heavy and all kind of Metals grew up from the back alleys of Camden Street in London... But we can't deny the true Heavy-Fucken-Metal Fans, and Metalhoods roots'bloody'roots that we formed and are located in Lebanon! All Hail to all Lebanese MetalHeads...! Oy Oy! \m/ And then we all fuck all night to the sound of "Number Of The Beast" that just hit the charts here.
Since the discovery of Heavy Metal, several other elements have been synthesized. For your convenience, they have been organized into isotopes, or Genrium, and sub-isotopes, which are known in the boo scientific community as Bandcruftium.
[edit] Isotopes
[edit] Judas Priestium
The most powerful element. Can be found in the sky, Riding On The Wind. Sometimes used as Painkiller, high doses are highly venomous and can take you Beyond The Realms Of Death. Scientists even theorize that only a touch of evil in the form of this element can be worse than the Devil's Child. Can be found on the Lochness, but only when the Night Comes Down. Use it carefully, or you'll be never satisfied. For greatest effect, you have to ram it down when you insert Judas Priestium into an orifice (such as your Electric Eye). Long-time users are known to become Hell Bent For Leather, though some go on a religious crusade and become Defenders Of The Faith, or auto enthusiasts and begin work on developing faster turbos. It will also eliminate the need for sleep, as it keeps you Living After Midnight. When immersed in anti-matter, Judas Priestium is known to transform into chickens And porn. Commonly used in the production of Harley Davidson motorcycles, as well as killing machines and jugulators. Possession of Judas Priest is Breaking The Law. If you use too much, The Ripper (or if you like, Jack the Knife) will come and attack you in London town streets. If you think that Judas Priestium has no effect on your Body, You've got another thing Coming. Religious Folks should becareful when using this, as it may cause Sin after Sin. Famous element in the Killing Machine which is manufactured from British Steel and it will have its operators screaming for vengeance. Predicted in AD 1343 by Nostradamus.
[edit] Iron Maidenium
A base element of all heavy metals. It was first found Somewhere in Time at about 2 Minutes to Midnight, after a a group of Tailgunners were attacked by The Trooper and The Phantom of the Opera and forced to Run to the Hills, knowing that they must Be Quick or Be Dead. This element has no half-life, remaining at the same strength until it becomes a Matter of Life and Death. Used in just about everything. Famous for its use in World War 2 when, English airmen went Aces High and defeated the Germans, who had as a result, The Number of the Beast on their neck and they had to run to a Brave New World. It is imported to Night Clubs around the World because of its use during the Dance of Death. Famous Killers used it to take a piece of Mind from their victims. (An Iron Maidenium engineer named Eddie was turned into a zombie by overexposure to this element. Always use caution when handling, side effects sometimes include Fear of the Dark and the Evil that Men Do is often attributed to misuse of the substance. Proper care will result in excellent vocals and harmonized guitar solos.)
[edit] AC/DCium
The only 2 metals that are known to make a covalent bond AC and DC, alone these 2 metals are harmless but combined AC/DC becomes a mind blowing bomb known to cause high voltage and make wires live, this deceives observers into thinking it is a form of hard rock, rather than a metal. It is often used in making T.N.T. Long time users are infamous for spoilin' for a fight, saluting those about to rock, wanting to be Rock 'N' Roll Singers, and wanting a whole lot of Rosie. It is often found on the Highway to Hell, before money starts talking, but after Bon Scott declares there to be rock. This metal, found only in Australia, has been known to force the dead to come back in black for a short time. During it's half-life, this metal may become more magnetized, causing anyone who holds it to become thunderstruck. The latest discovery for the use of this element has been to fuel trains across plains of black ice.
[edit] Black Sabbathium
The purest form of Heavy Metal alloys and elements. This element takes shapes naturally in the form of pentagrams, and alloys well. When used in its purest form, it can cause the user to become Paranoid, pray to Saint Vitus, watch Laguna Sunrises, and in extremely rare cases, declare war on pigs. When mixed with Iron (Fe) it can be bonded to human flesh to produce a sort of Iron Man. Not suitable for heavy industrial usage in its deozzyfied form. Though when mixed with Diocyte, it creates two powerful metals called Heaviside and Hellium (Not to be confused with Helium). Mixed with Gillium will make it go inactive. Martium will cause a violent chain reaction that will split the atom and thus destroying the element.
- Notes: Black Sabbathium, Judas Priestium, AC/DCium, and Iron Maidenium are the base metals; in other words they can be mixed to create virtually any other form of heavy metal. This is often used by heavy metal purists to determine whether or not a given metal is "true." If a form of metal can't be reproduced by mixing Priestium, Sabbathium, AC/DCium and Maidenium, then it is considered "not true" and is subsequently damned to haul away buckets of tears from emo concerts in hell.
[edit] Ozzium
An extremely deadly alloy created in a house on Randy Rhoad from separating members of the metal Black Sabbathium and combining it with BLS (Black Label Societium). It is extremely dangerous to small creatures such as bats. It is also capable of inhaling ants and other insects through nostril-like pores on it's surface. This metal will excrete liquids when put on national monuments such as the Alamo. Any contact with Ozzium is extremely encouraged, and praised, though trains are known to go crazy when exposed to it. Side-effects include Barking at the Moon.
[edit] Gunsenrosium
One of the strongest metals known to man. Used as a metal only by people that do not care about chemistry, as this is a form of very Hard Rock. This so called metal is often underrated in its properties purely on its potential uses for; Slashing Guitars, Axl spandex liners, Duff beer cans, Izzy coke flavoured pepsi bottles, and brainkillers for Nerds. Other than these it has many other uses especially as tin foil to bombard NERDS.
[edit] Alice Cooperium
Poisonous. First discovered in Dragontown on the Brutal Planet, this is a very early metal, and is mined out of Shock Rocks. Result of being around the ore too long results in large black splodges around one's eyes. Non fatal to males, but not recommended around females, as Only Women Bleed. This, in fact, is because of their body, answering the age old question. Can cause Nightmares. An isotope of Alice Cooperium was accidentally delivered to a school, causing it to be out of session forever.
[edit] Rage Against The Machineium
An incendiary and higly volatile isotope of Funkium Metal B. It was first brought to our planet by the People of The Sun in the infamous Battle of Los Angeles, These People harvested the isotope from the Funk Belt planet Vientow. Exposure to this isotope will quickly cause the inability to speak normally, but will cause you to talk only in verse and scream the same thing over and over again. You will spit mad Bomtracks and have the urge to go down certain Drives named after souther sports, blasting people with a shot gun (This is ABSOLUTELY true, and victims tend to Testify this). You will then feel extremely calm, somewhat like a bomb. DO NOT under any circumstances allow this element to come in contact with anyone who is a republican, conservative, a CEO, or could in any way be considered "A Honkey," as it will cause them to explode, and You'll automatically Kill Them in the Name of this element. This element has also been used for manufacturing radios by guerrillas. Also keep away from Bulls as it will cause them to go on a parade.
[edit] Led
A somewhat cooler version of Lead. For a full description see Lead.
[edit] Hendrixium
Often found after the wind cries Mary, those exposed to this metal may experience their vision being overtaken by a Purple Haze. In very, very rare cases, users experience Manic Depression and may have to choose between Love and Confusion. In the end, over-users are thrown in the Red House.
[edit] Metallicanium
Extremely powerful in the first four stages, this metal decays over time after the 5th stage, eventually turning into carbon. In its fourth stage, it gradually fades to black. It is used to master puppets and create sandmen (manufactured by Downey, California-based company Damage, Inc., and his Fort Lauderdale, Florida not-as-good deposit service, Garage, Inc.), the latter of which however only one was created, which is sad but true. Still, though, it's better than you. The fact that might make people feel whiplash, is that it will never stop, it will never quit, because it's Metallicanium. It was first synthesized by chemist Dr. Larsiandus Ulrichson and his mate Jaime Hatfielder, who currently resides in the house that Jack built. If you are the owner of a metallicanium mine, you might end up king nothing one day. If you are a current owner, hit the lights on the operation! If not, many metalheads will kill 'em all. When mining, trucks have to load and reload constantly as metallicanium is about as heavy as St. Anger. It's a dangerous occupation, as it requires many years of living shit, binging and purging to be a metallicanium miner. The metallicanium miners militia are holier than thou, usually believe in the god that failed and the creeping death, use batteries in order to call Chtulhu, and some of them are also harvesters, in the area where the wild things are. You're welcome home if you want to join the miners' militia, but in the initiation ceremony you'll have be the hero of the day: the main prove is seek and destroy for fire, jump in it and fight it with more fire, which can lead you into a state of anesthesia (and the miners will have to pull your teeth with fuel to revive you until you sleep) if you pass, the fixxxer will welcome you and declare You Are Evil, otherwise you'll be Unforgiven three consecutive times. The metal may be blackened as it ends its half-life, or while the Garage Days are on. Many miners are encouraged to mine during storms as they might get a once in a lifetime chance to ride the lightning as lightning is attracted to this element. Later stages, which are not yet know, could cause death of a magnetic kind and/or return to the first four stages. Though it is highly popular, it is not legal in most parts of the world, with the punishment being unforgiven three times. Most users of this element have ended up in San Quentin. Due it being a highly dangerous substance to handle, it is now only developed at Damage Incorporated. So simply put, it ain't my bitch anymore, but it is not the end of the line for this element. Sometimes it is used as a replacement for Cyanide, at least that's what Mama said. If bought at the local pharmacy as a Cure, it comes with a great label saying 'Don't Tread on me'
[edit] Panterium
Creates bleeding ears with high pitch squeal at loud volumes and the drunken blur of a drunken blur can be heard beneath the squeals. Is believed to be be responsible for the Vulgar Southern Trendkill and Reinventing The Cowboys From Hell, as well as being the responsible of multiple Floods. Some states such as Texas have some extreme fans, and after extreme exposure they will force you to take a Walk Five Minutes Alone. That would be as This Love is Becoming Far Beyond Driven, its Domination is, Where You Come From that is, making you Fucking Hostile against everything around you. This War Nerve will Cast your Shadow, and leave you Broken, declaring war on everything that isn’t Jack Daniels Tenessee Whisky. People usually think that you're By Demons Being Driven on this stage. This Mouth for War is altered with a Primal Concrete Sledge’s bang on your head. To some victims, this Clash With Reality results in a Psycho Holiday on Planet Caravan, leaving you alone with your Shattered mind. Eventually makes you Immortally Insane. But once you come back, when everyone presumed you're already beyond the Cemetery Gates, you will Rise, and achieve Strength Beyond Strength. But You’ve really Gotta Belong To It or it Makes Them Disappear. Once your Tenessee Whisky usage exceeds 25 Years, after your Goddamn Electric life your last sound made will be a sinister Death Rattle. Some unexperienced victims have even left One or Two Suicide Notes after their death. After it's half life ends, Nu Metallium forms.
[edit] Megadethium
Megadethium, first discovered in the Bay Area Thrash Mine, is formed from decaying Metallicanium in it's early stages and is known for it's high concentration of Amerikhastan, a compound used in many high-Risk surgeries to stablise patients. This procedure is often very safe, though it can lead to the patient being Youthanised and Rusting in Peace, as a Punishment Due to not having enough control of this element. Professor Dave M. Stayne, known for his position as the conductor for the Symphony of Destruction and Architecturual knowledge of Aggresion used this to make a corrosive acid called Leper Messiah-sulfite, though when Metallicanium is added to the mix it cancels this out. Pure Megadethium can be dated Back in the Day (Usually on Good Mournings) when it was used as Cryptic Warnings for a Countdown to Extinction and many theologists believe the extinction was caused by sweating bullets, confirming The System Had Failed. After being heavily studied in a remote Hanger named "18", the United Abominations declared this as class "A" thrashium compound and is now heavily sought after in many nations (See the United Abominations French Declaration on Megadethium "À Tout Le Monde"). Note: The Risk is no longer mentioned, with the advice give to Crush all those that do mention it as if they are the prince of darkness, and it should only be used on a black friday. It has the curious property of making users Sweat Bullets. Osama Bin Laden Famously said: In my darkest hour Megadethium made me very Paranoid of the Dawn Patrol. Rumored to be kept by the Government in the legendary Hangar 18, it is the active ingredient in Youthanasia, a product designed to make you younger.
[edit] Sepulturium
A heavy metal only found in Brazil on Chaos A.D., discovered Beneath the Remains by extremely good lyricist Max Cavalera. Known to be extremely deadly in it's first four stages. After it reches its Roots, it is completely useless. Often causes Schizophrenia and Morbid Visions. If children are exposed, it causes them to Refuse food and Resist their parents. It could also cause the obliteration of mankind and the destruction of the inner self.
[edit] Machine Headium
A very durable metal, this particular element was pronounced of low utility in the early nineties, shortly after it's first discovery. Scientists have recently rediscovered this metal, however, it cannot be destroyed as The More Things Change. Exposure to this metal could cause violent, "mosh"-like seizures. According to scientists, this element has the power of Blackening the Skies Through the Ashes of Empires; And massive exposure to it can create a Supercharger that introduces any person who is considered as sane into "The Burning Red" a mental disease that turns typical nerds into complete Bad Asses. This disease also has the capability of making weak people (and Disney fans) scream "Burn My Eyes!!!!" repeatedly while they groan in pain.
[edit] Avenged Sevenfoldium
The name originated from the rev (drummer), who was considered an avenged seven-year-old due to delivering frequent beatings to his mother at the age of seven. This element has passed through many changes since its discovery in 2000. It was considered as Metalcorium in its first stages, and therefore as a very powerful element, which, according to some miner's Unholy Confessions, was capable of Waking the Fallen and Sounding the Seventh Trumpet of Apocalypse. It's latter stages are merely artificial, due to the manipulation of this element by Warner Bros. scientists in their attempt to make an artificial and sellable Metal, which succeeded when Avenged Sevenfoldium mines were relocated to the infamous City of Evil. Since that relocation, Avenged Sevenfoldium is not considered a Metal anymore, and most Metal Scientist believe this Element to, in fact, be shit. The original, natural, and First-Staged Avenged Sevenfoldium is not found anymore. This is mainly due to M.shadows finally reaching puberty at the age of 27.
[edit] Doomus Oxide
One of the slowest and heaviest of the metals, it will often cause Pentagrams to be hung at a Candlemass, often times in a a dark and gloomy Cathedral. Abuse of it can induce a state of Katatonia in which the user thinks they are the Witchfinder General. Related to N.I.B., very few scientists have chosen to experiment with this matter or unleash its sludge-like base to many. Those who have been affected by Doomium Oxide will often find themselves attracted to marijuana or any other psychedelic drugs. It also causes the user to become addicted to the Red Lottery. In the end, the user will ultimately wind up in a state of Solituda Aeturnus within Paradise Lost.
[edit] Funeral Doom
A person overdosing and dying while on Doomus Oxide often becomes reanimated at their Funeral, but defies Rigor Sardonicous causing the Mournful Congregation to become Evoken with Skepticism. If this happens during the Fall of Every Season, this will cause a war of Doom Vs. the Tyranny of the church.
[edit] Thrash metallium
Very unstable. It is the raw form of Metallicanium. Capable of spreading Anthrax over thousands of miles and slaying enemies with great efficiency. It was also once rumored that in biblical times, they used this metal Exodus to bring forth the testament. Prolonged exposure may kreate overkill. Thrash metallium found wide usage in the Eighties when stores of purified heavy metal were converted into hair metallium and thrash metallium. These stores experienced destruction in the mid '90s, though remnants of them can still be found in abandoned mosh pits. Thrash metallium can cause somebody to develop Evile disease and bow to the Thrasher.
[edit] Slayerium
Extremely Dangerous. Forms during a season in the abyss, somewhere south of heaven. You can know Slayerium is available when the sky is full of Raining Blood. Causes subject to become bald and gain markings on their exposed skull, believe God Hates us All, Await for Hell (or vice-versa), Haunting the Chapels, and having the Eyes of the Insane. Slayerium is is considered as an EXTREMELY dangerous element, and Thrash Metal erudites call this element as the Agressive Perfector and the War Ensemble of the Thrash Metal Isotopes. You can only handle it if you have Bloodlines, Showing No Mercy to do it or if you can assure a Divine Intervention in order to control it; if not, you will Die By The Sword and suffer Psycopathy Red. It will crush you Piece by Piece. Catholic Church and other Christian Religions have strongly forbidden the use of this element, even when one of their its first discoverers has claimed to be Catholic. Apart from the aforementioned reactions, overusage can cause subject to grow extra faces, to be exact, Seven Faces. Usage is considered 'Criminally Insane'.
[edit] Exodusium
Created in San Francisco, an area known for synthesis of metals, Exodusium became bonded by blood in the 1980s when Paul Baloff's piranha farm became contaminated with deathamphetamines. Use of this will cause a fabulous disaster, and if added as a vehicle fuel will lead to an imminent impact. It is used to make shovel headed kill machines for the coming riot act. If you don't get up off your ass and toxic waltz, Gary Holt will teach you a lesson in violence you won't soon forget.
[edit] Testamentium
Formed in Oakland, right across where Exodusium was formed, Testamentium is known for establishing new orders, and enabling people to practice what they preach. It's presence is low and demonic, and in large quantities is known to turn your soul black. This element is one of the many signs of chaos.
[edit] Nuclear Assaultium
A harsher form of Anthraxium, Nuclear Assaultium will lead to brain death, third world genocide, and the plague. It will make any working machine become out of order, and, in case of overdose, will be difficult to survive, which is why this element should be handled with care. SUCK ME
[edit] Kreatorium
This element, created in Germany along with closely related elements Destructionium and Sodomium, will lead to endless pain and a pleasure to kill. One of the terrible certainties of Kreatorium includes Extreme Aggression, and hordes of chaos created by enemies of god. The 6th-9th stages of Kreatorium are known to make ears bleed, but at the 10th it resumes with its thrash metallium properties.
[edit] Destructionium
This element is commonly used by the antichrist as a device to crack brains, and the inventor of evil as a tool for eternal devastation. After used in a metal discharge, all hell will break loose, and devolution will begin.
[edit] Sodomium
Sodomium is popular in its use in M-16s and Agent Orange. Is known to cause symptoms of persecution mania, it is one of the final signs of evil. Is known for its attraction to chainguns and chainsaws, users of it believe the saw is the law.
[edit] Industrial Metallium
Discovered in Germany by radiologist Till Lindemann. More stable than thrashium, but not by much. It is the cornerstone of the ministry, who use it to create weapons of mass distraction deep within the Fear Factory. It was widely distributed by the 1000 homo djs during the 90s, and can cause the user to develop nine inch nails. If used extensively, the user turns into a form of subhuman called a white zombie, which creates hallucinations of Dragulas and Black Sunshine, and causes them to randomly thunderkiss 65 people.
[edit] Rammsteinium
A very combustible element found after an awesome plane crash, just touching this orange offshoot of industrial metallium causes you to catch on fire and speak German, then die while being sodomised by angry shirtless men, who do indeed Ohne Dich. It might also you cause you to scream, here comes the sun. Famous for making mein Teile edible, it makes drunk German men forget that they are German and make them scream at their wives, girlfriends, and/or bitches: TE QUIERO PUTA.
[edit] Blaze Baylium
This metal cannot be destroyed, however it does tend to swell up during the later stages of its life. It also gets stronger as it grows older if left out of contact with most other metals. However, it must not be mixed with Iron Maidenium otherwise an extreme reaction will take place and this may result in a loss of popularity. Side effects include fits of rage during live shows.
[edit] Nine Inch Nailium
A very fragile metal, it is usually found Broken in A Warm Place, although somewhat Closer to Right Where It Belongs than may be expected. In the earliest history, it is used to manufacture a Pretty Hate Machine, but that was a Sin and a Terrible Lie, because it was Sanctified and Some Thing I Can Never Have. This resulted in Head Like A Hole. The Only Time my Ringfinger was Down In It, it started to produce the Purest Feeling, Kinda I want to, but That's What I Get. Then it enters The Downwards Spiral, I Do Not Want This but Piggy has committed Heresy and became Mr. Self-Destruct. The Becoming spawned Big Man With A Gun on the March of the Pigs. At this state it can be used as an Eraser equivalent to a Reptile and a Ruiner. Skin Contact would Hurt, likely hurting Johnny Cash as well. At The Fragile state, usually The Day The World Went Away, it becomes Somewhat Damaged. This state is also known as The Frail or the Wretched. The Pilgrimage reaches Even Deeper Into The Void in The Great Below. Where is Everybody? We're In This Together, Just Like You Imagined. Underneath it all, The Mark Has Been Made. The Big Come Down was created by Starfuckers Inc. with all the Complications. The Only Way Out Is Through, Please. No You Don't La Mer because I'm Looking Forward to Joining You, Finally.
[edit] Ministrium
Exposure to this metal will make you succeed by sucking eggs. Originally developed when a punkass anarchist joined a bunch of retarded new wave fans and created from them the best weapon against Bush. It is found in Rio Grande Blood, was used to create the houses of the mole, and is a favorite of the last sucker. Ministrium is sometimes sprinkled on cooked filth pigs, and traces of ministrium can be found on dark sides of spoons.
[edit] Extremilium Metalium beyond the forumer Iron curtain
A heavy metalogoist needs to head East into Eastern Europe (i.e. Poland, Russia or wherever beyond the former Iron curtain) for this one rare element of metal. The fans there appear very loyal (Stalinist), more rowdy (like an overcrowded gulag of rebellious dissenters) and the sound of heavy metal is quite HARDCORE in the frozen steppes, tundras or taigas of "mother" Russia. It involves more alcohol consumption, a rugged Slavic identity to make the Norse look like wusses and closer related to Metallica with a touch of death and black metal genres.
[edit] New Wave of British Heavy Metallium
Deep Purple in colour. Discovered at night by a Saxon on a Saturday, in jolly ol' England. Iron Maidenium, Diamond Headium, Cloven Hoofium, Angel Witchium, Atomic Massium/Def Leppardium, and about 400+ more submetals derive from this form.
[edit] Atomic Massium/Def Leppardium
A form of metal which can cause Pyromania and Hysteria, leaving you High 'n' Dry On Through The Night, or just deaf, as displayed since the Overture of this metal's existence. The majority of its users are 40 year olds in their wig mullets to cover up the fact they can't grow back much hair. 40 year olds are attempting to bring back glam metallium along with this metal.
If it isn't is heard, It Could Be You to have such side effects as Answering To Your Master, Getting Your Rocks Off while Wasted, Sorrow with A Woman, Bringing On A Heartattack after fucking your Lady Strage, can get you runnin' before being a victim of Another Hit And Run, turning onto Switch 666, getting your Photograph taken by a Foolin' retard, Coming Under Fire after giving little Billy his free gun, an amputation of the left arm, exposure to lots of pretty Women, blasting off with your boring influential grandparents in a Satellite Rocket, turning into an Animal (you can't be charged with beastiality even when you fuck a dog or kitty), Fracturing Love, Missing your lover in a Heartattack, singing a Song in the Desert, making lotsa Action but Not Words, and/or Excitable amounts of sugar to be poured.
Known to destroy Diocyte on contact by hiring Vivian Campbell. Is heavy before turning soft and light and poppish after lacking Adrenalized exposure to White Lightning, or being exposed to a substance known as MTV, also known as My Tall Vagina, or even an ounce of Love Bites. When it comes down to this level, it's best to either just Let It Go with the Rock Brigade, but still Rock Rock Til' You Drop Two Steps Behind at the Rock of Ages, or When The Walls Come Tumbling Down, just say...
No, NO, no! No, NO, no! I said, No, No.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo..........oooo.....OOOOO....!!!!!
It Don't Matter if you try to be cool with this metal. Nobody cares about this metal that much, unless they too are 80s. Don't even try to Slang with me, or I'll expose you listen to Iron Maidenium. Don't even make any Promises, either. Else you'll have to Work It Out with all the Bad Actresses in the Sparkle Lounge. Go, just GO, if you dare. I hope you don't Hallucinate from the pretty shine of this metal.
[edit] Cloven Hoofium
The most unclean and filthy metal of all the metals. Discovered in 1979 inside The Gates of Gehenna by physician Dr. Li Pane, who also realized that this metal was strongly associated with the four elements (Earth, Water, Air & Fire) of Earth. After its Opening Ritual, a whip was cracked by a Sentinel in the Starship, who only wanted to Lay Down The Law by being morbidly exposed to this metal Back In The USA. Can lure plenty of Nightstalkers into the March of The Damned after the Return of The Passover.
A Daughter of Darkness who was Raised on Rock unleashed the Eye of The Sun and destroyed heavy metal-using men of steel, leaving only a quarter of this metal left behind to look for other shards of metal to unite with. After a scientist found this metal and along with the split up parts of Tredegarium, he combined them all together and thus Cloven Hoofium became an even more precious metal to admire.
When a Dominator arrived to take over the Nova Battlestar and track down all of the Warriors of The Wastelands and Fugitives crossing the Road of Eagles, Russ Northium was Rising Up to merge with this metal after Fighting Back against The Invaders Reaching For The Sky. 1001 Nights ago, a Highlander was honored a Forgotten Hero in the Death Valley for using this metal against an Astral Rider who knew the Silver Surfer. In this Mad, Mad World, a Mistress used and abused this metal for her own means of power, but the metal was not able to fulfill all of her wishes, that she split up the metal again.
Decades later, it was rediscovered by Dr. Li Pane, who believed that he could rebuild the metal by trying out various shards from other metals. However, it was harder than expected;sometimes one metal shard meant complete uselessness throughout the whole metal. A hiker was said to have found Russ Northium and Jon Brownium up on the hills and brought them over to Dr. Li Pane to return the uniqueness to the metal, and it was a success to repair the metal.
[edit] Hair Metallium
A common substance in L.A. in the 1980's. Found by flamboyant chemist Gene Simmons, using his tongue of doom to coax it out of a hole. An extremely hot metal, and an aphrodisiac so comically potent that women have been known to administer oral sex after merely looking at the damn thing. Unlike other forms of metal, this one draws (or drew) quality women, and lots of them, coming in motley crews carrying guns and roses. And they made love all day long, just to be left in skid rows later surrounded by ratts.
[edit] Mötley Crüeium
An element found in hair, typically in Girls, Girls, Girls. First discovered in during the Generation 'Swine', this element is used in heart surgery, usually to provide some kind of 'kickstart'. Dr. Feelgood has been a strong supporter of this element, repeatedly stating "You're All I Need". Apart from surgery, this can also be used as a recreational drug, making the subject feel numb, but at the same time, somehow, 'Welcome' to the Numb. Typically smoked in a masculine environment, overdoses can lead to subjects dying, only to come back to life later. While dead, subjects will Shout at the Devil. Traces of this element found on Planet Boom, as recounted in Heroin Diaries. IF used past its prime however, it will cause weight gain and Hepatitis. One can obtain this in large amounts by prayin to the Saints of Los Angeles. Famously used by the hottest models, as this causes hear to have the looks that kills. Also found in suprisingly huge amounts in the wild side. Despite it's look Good qualities it can't make people fall in Love as it is Too Fast for Love. Heavy users will wake up in a Theatre of Pain with a New Tattoo that can only be removed by Dr. Feelgood.
[edit] RATTium
A rare shiny metal which should be avoided by emos (see pussies). It releases a strong gas (primarily from the large quantities of hair spray) which when inhaled can send humans 'Round and Round'. Originally discovered in 1976, it quickly oxidised. The gas emitted also happens to be addictive and will often confuse humans into going 'Back for More'. Due to being such risky metal, an unauthorized owner once reported can become a 'Wanted Man'. Although Scientific evidence has not proven this metal to be dangerous to health, a once regular inhaler of the gas was found 'The Morning After' screaming 'I'm Insane'. The man however was not convicted due to a 'Lack in Communication' down at the 'Scene of the Crime'. In 1983, a male who turned in his girlfriend, a regular user at the time claimed at the station he could not leave as 'She Wants Money'. Later he confessed that she had been a 'Sweet Cheater'. In 1985, after Scientists invaded the privacy of some regular users, they concluded that all RATTium users should 'Lay it Down'. It was later stated in a popular issue of Poison magazine by Dr. Michaels that it was 'Dangerous but Worth the Risk'. It is what the makes the World go Round and Round according to the Gold Child. Unfortunatley it makes you single which causes your body to react by growing a tattoo that reads 'I want a Woman'. It makes good cars, but remember no one rides for free.
[edit] Poisonium
Exactly what it is. One ounce contains about 99.9% of intoxication to your eyes and ears. But if you are able to survive it, you may turn into a flamboyant man with poofy hair. All the AIDS-infected girls will truly talk dirty to you this time and demand some action from you tonight because they want nothing but a good time, is all.
[edit] Nu Metallium
A highly variable metal with the shortest half-life of all the heavy metals. First discovered in the middle of the 1990's it was reported to taste like KORN. This discovery set off a rush to find new sources of this exotic metal, sadly for many years the only other source was Limp Bizkits. Nu Metallium in Bizkit form was highly toxic and was reported to have stank of Hooba. In 2001 new sources of good quality Nu Metallium were discovered by Dr Bennoda in Likin Park. This form of Nu Metallium was found in P.O.Ds and had the ability to leave anything in its path Staind with Evanescence a strangely beautiful substance. Nu Metallium disappeared over night on the 24th of February 2004. This is believed to be because all the deposits had been Disturbed, Drowned in a Pool or tied in a Slipknot.
[edit] Disturbium
Having usually a dark gray tint, it is used by vikings for their faces when they're pillaging small towns off the coast of Vermont. Discovered in 2000, it quickly gave it's handler The Sickness after prolonged periods of handling. Several years later Disturbium was used as a contraceptive. Why not? I mean hey if you're into that kind of thing. Some side effects of exposure are severe balding and tendency to scream like a douche. Although the douche screams can be translated into pure unadulterated "the shit" if the listener possesses a third ear under his cerebellum. He shouts 2000 times repeatedly in your face. This ear is called many things but it is definitely not called Lasagna.
[edit] Slipknotium
Has a vermilion color, similar to color of blood, and often takes the form of pentagrams. Can only be found by cutting the wrists of goths and chavs. Emits an extremely bad stench when not handled by appropriate personnel. Continually baffles scientists with it's rapid mutation and causes victims to move in the same aspect as that of a maggot. It also causes victims to inexplicably grab sticks and whack barrels for a while. Unfortunately, do to the toxicity of this element, you must wear masks to come in contact with it.
[edit] System of a Downsyndromium
A stable but pressure-chaotic mix of many, slightly retarded metals. Created by Serj Tankian, Daron Malakian, Shavo Odadjian, and John Dolmayan deep in the Los Angeles underground. The metal is so powerful it bakes stars, makes rivers fly off the Earth, breaks the strongest castles, makes matthew the gosling a real goose and even makes mermaids cry. The metal usually also heats the ground it rests on to dry people's feet that stand nearby.
[edit] Mall Metalium
A variety of Nu and Neo Metal Elements, it was created when a fashion kid in Texas (who had Paris Hilton posters in his room. And she was not naked) inhaled a great amount of Teen Spirit. After that, Aliens reported seeing the same person going every day to the mall to buy (or steal) more Teen Spirit Ultra N00B Version for Members of K.O.R.N. . Ironically enough, the kid was seeing with a K.O.R.N. deodorant shirt and a Slippednote pant. It is said that other elements of Metal react in a bad way to this elements, causing explosions and destroying buildings.
[edit] Progressive Metallium
Found recently but yet it only confuses the scientists, because a piece of Progressive Metallium begins somewhere and ends somewhere else, but it's multi-dimensional and can't be examined or measured by any Tool. "What kind of imagination asleep in some lyrical coma who's vain futile memory could have been so wrong?" comments Charlie Dominicheese , from the University of Ham and Paste, San Francisco, California. Experimenting with progressive metallium has be known to cause many unusual side effects. Known effects include, but are not limited to: extreme hair growth, high pitched voice (especially in butch looking males), feeling the need to play unfamiliar instruments, playing unfamiliar instruments for the first time during a live performance, playing instruments with the wrong body part and using unusual objects as instruments. One such victim of these side effects is Claudio Sanchez, front man of Coheed and Cambria. since his experimentation with progressive metallium he has suffered from high voice pitch and an extreme growth of hair, he went from a beautiful bald man to sporting one of the hugest known afros ever owned by a white man. Another side effect of experimenting with progressive metallium is hallucinations. Many scientists, after being exposed to this substance for extended periods of time started thinking they were in Dream Theaters or other similar places.
[edit] Dream Theatarium
Probably the rarest of all the heavy metal elements, its a mix of heavy metal isotopes, with other complex elements and complicated substances. If exposure is too long, sensory loss and damage will occur for the average mortal, followed by Death, (not to be confused with Deatharium). People who survive are often found in an endless Panic Attack and completely speechless, in an Inner Turbulence classified as Six Degrees on the Systematic Chaos metric system (This rating is allso called an Octavarium). In some cases, patients have been affected with erotomania, becoming attracted to a public figure from the metropolis, who happens to live under a glass moon. Founded Biaxident by a Swiss oiling company in Antarctica due to collecting Images & Words, the element soon dispersed and killed everyone who was Awake in the area. Many scientists have come to believe the element created itself out of nothing, Falling into Infinity and violating all laws of physics and thermodynamics. The media were quick to name it the root of all evil.
[edit] Toolium
Toolium is strictly not Progressive Metallium in any way at all. Visual or physical contact with this metal will instantaneously surge the victim with an LSD-like hallucinatory trip, that will make you shit the bed. Goddamn. Wicked bass solo will ensue. This metal, when melted, is known to be exceedingly vicarious.
[edit] Opeth Alloy
Is a mixture of very rigid Heavy Metal and very smooth liquid metal, like mercury but waaay metaller.Users often hallucinate and believe they are seeing the face of Melinda, but turns out to be jack... the chambermaid.
[edit] Power Metallium
Power metal, also known as The Lord of the Rings metal, is a lighter, shinier isotope of the element, power metallium may by safely projected at extreme speeds and still retain its stability. Rumor has it that knights from the Eighties discovered the metal on Helloween when a knight decided it was a good idea to crawl into and squirm around the open wounds of a slain dragon while wearing full armor, which synthesized with the dragon's blood n' stuff to form power metallium. Timo Tolkki managed to harness the power of Power Metallium first. His secret has never been discovered, and to this day, remains the ultimate user of Power Metallium.
The blind guardians and men o' war were the Edguys who put the metal to good use. Hansi Kursch, a blind guardian, is one of the most creative users, having inlaid several power metallium ingots into his vocal cords. Herman Li's guitar has a whammy bar and humbuckers made out of power metallium of unheard-of purity. 
[edit] Diocyte
A very short but powerful isotope, mixed with deep purpleum to create rainbows, and iommium to increase the potency of Black Sabbathium. A holy diver named Ronnie James Dio discovered it while diving off the coast of New Hampshire, when he saw a rainbow in the dark waters and decided to name it after himself. Suddenly he saw a cat in the blue coming after him. It got him straight through the heart, and as Dio was dying he merged with the metal and became the King of Rock and Roll. He went through heaven and hell and made the Devil cry. The Devil then gave him the sacred heart of the Stargazer, and to this day he is still the last in line to the throne of Power Metallium. He was still afraid of this experience but than he remember he was the Star of the Masquerade and there was no need to be afraid. Exposure will make you want to stand up and shout, kill the king and flash the devil horns. Famous source of Magica it has the awesome property of making drivers end up in strange highways. Heavy use might make you eat your heart out. Great for those lost in the woods as it just might lock up the wolves. Only metal to affect the behavior of machines, Diocyte makes computers, Planes, Cars, and toasters very Angry Machines, they are bent on Killing the Dragon and can only be stopped by the legendary Master of the Moon.
[edit] Dragonforcium
The weakest all of the Heavy Metals or anything. Comes from a mixture between Speed Metallium and Power Metallium. Placing this metal into your rectal area will make you start pissing your pants and jump up and down trying to take flight like a dragon. After coping with the fact that you are not a dragon you will devote your life to knowing and collecting everything about dragons. The force has been synthetically created by many corporations in hopes of wowing the money out of Ozzfesters, of course, it failed. Put it through the fire and flames, and you will be a hero of our time. DO IT NOW.
[edit] Finnish Power Metallium
Power Metallium has been discovered in Finland, but it tends to be slightly different. Finnish Power Metallium is quite possibly the shiniest of all metals. Most types observed tend to be isotopes of some kind of Stratovarium, but can form alloys with a surprising range of other metals. The molecular energy in these metals is fueled by some unknown, yet seemingly unlimited power, and as a result, it can move very fast. Very fast. But only if it feels like it. All the props in the Finnish opera "Sonata Arctica" were supposedly made of Finnish Power Metallium.
[edit] Trve Norsk Black Metallium
And yea, one day Good King Cronos looked out upon his Dark kingdom, pitied his Dark peasants, took a Dark bath in a tub made of pure heavy metal and, dismayed, sat down upon his Dark throne. "What a bleak, cold, miserable bathory of a day it is today!" he lamented. "This grimmest of celtic frosts will destroy us soon, if the light does not take us first." Then the king heard something move; but alas, his kingdom was so Dark that he could not see what it was that was moving. When suddenly, a blaze in the northern sky for one glorious instant illuminated the land! and he saw a hideous black snake on the ground in front of him. "Grishnackh!" he cursed. He called for his Necrobutcher; but he was out having pork chops. He reached for his Hellhammer; but Satan was fixing the head on it. In incomparable desperation, Good King Cronos spat at the snake, unaware that he had swallowed some of the heavy-metal laced water from the bathtub. At precisely the same instant, the mischievous snake spat back at the king, and the Venom in its saliva met with Good King Cronos's for one instant, and the two fused, forming a shiny, black zephyrous substance. This was the poisonous substance Trve Norsk Black Metallium.
Mayhem ensued across Good King Cronos's kingdom. Churches were burnt to the ground (for the sheer fun of it), Hades and Euronymous rose from the Underworld and played their guitars so loud many ended up Dead, and the peasants across the land lamented the day, dreaming of what once was. As the snake kept forming more and more trve norsk black metallium, many tried to kill it, but in vain; for the snake was immortal. And it grew and grew and grew some more, until it had become an unnatural behemoth.
That's why you don't get much news from Norway these days.
[edit] Acoustic Black Metallium
The grimmest of all metals. It was forged in a very, very, very, very, very, very, very frostbitten mountain in the center of Norway by the great Necrowizard, the keeper of all things grim and frostbitten. It is far more grim and metal than even Pure Norsk Black Metallium, because it was created by the grim and frostbitten Seth Putnam. Acoustic Black Metallium can often be inverted, and is mainly used for poser extermination.
[edit] Carpathian Forestium
Possibly the most unstable form of Black Metallium, this element will cause grotesque overblown obesity if consumed in heinous quantities. Side effects also include uncontrolled return of the freezing winds ejected from an anus which has been sodomized by satan. This side effect is most undesirable when journeying through chasms, caves and titan woods to the cold moors of Svarttjern - a place with a name similar to the sounds emitted from ones already beleaguered rectum. Should this malady prove too much for your tired soul, you will then be pecked to death in a circle of ravens. As one turns blue, there is always time to perform the good old enema treatment, which only lasts approximately 01:52. This act of spiritual purification will have you donning your black shining leather in no time, all the while decrying Christian incoherent drivel and developing a morbid fascination of death. This metal is a misanthropic violent hellblast. It's darker than you think...
[edit] King Diamond
The King Diamond is the shiniest diamond on Earth. It's also blacker than the blackest night. It was formed by the mercyful fates in a mansion in sorrow on Never Ending Hill in 1777. The most evil of all metals, this element has caused black horsemen attending dangerous meetings to easily fall and break their necks, be stricken by the curse of the Pharaohs or receive a visit from the dead. At the sound of the demon bell, 18 will become 9 and everything will burn to hell. Emits a high-pitched screeching noise when nailed with seven silver spikes. Potency increases exponentially when it comes into contact with Andyla rock.
[edit] Satyriconium
A very soluble compound, Satyriconium is a product of human decay after Eczema. It was discovered in dark medieval times on a very frosty morning in 1349 by a nemesis divina named Mother North while she walked the path of sorrow in the woods to eternity. Satyriconium is also found near Volcanos where it lingers in the air filling humans with ravenous hunger and causing them to eat black lava, a known fuel for hatred. Afterwards it becomes K.I.N.G. and the Age of Nero begins, at which point it isn't nearly as potent as it used to be. In many cases only the norsecore of the element remains.
[edit] Black Gothium
Sometimes found in a pasty white colour. Often confused with Emonium Cytrate. The most common form of Black Gothium in Marilynmansonius, which if exposed to, causes the user to be a Beautiful Person. Found in volcanic formations in Iceland and Norway and in some English crack dens. An addict to the drug, who became pregnant while under a black gothium-caused stupor, said that "I feel terrified to think that I'm going to have this child in nine months, and I don't know who the father is. He must be a horrible, FILTHY man!"
[edit] Symphonic Metallium
Loosely related to and often found alloyed with power metal and progressive metal, Symphonic Metallium is known to megnetically attract opera singers and orchestras when electrified. It has also been reported that Symphonic Metallium repels Nu Metallium and Slipknotium at unsafe speeds, to the point that all owners of Nu Metallium and Slipknotium often evacuate their homes and get to a safe distance whenever a Symphonic Metallium owner is in the area. It is incredibly dramatic and this can lead to the input of string sections into the previously untainted metals. In stark contrast to this, however, are those addicted to it as a drug, known for their white faces, poor spelling and constant hunger. These traits were popularized in the parody film "Emperor", when the protagonist scribbled on a piece of paper: "Feuckitt mannn, i wont a bjige goddimmu borgir!" (Translation: "Fuck it man, I want a big goddamn burger.") An especially pure sample of Symphonic Metallium, discovered in Sweden, called Therionite is revered by mystics for its alleged occult properties.
[edit] Death Metallium
Considered the "heaviest" of heavy metals, it can react violently to produce both a low growling sound, and a high pitched screech, similar to black gothium, but much more grating. This metal is pure glistening black in color, and can be used to create indestructible corpsegrinders and bolt throwers. If it comes into contact with a dead body it will create a Cannibal Corpse, and instances of Deicide and Death have occurred. Via long and excessive grinding, the metal's atomic cores it can be refined to Grindcore, such a heavier metal that it turns in a splattering mess 4 seconds after formation due to the extreme forces of gravity and taste. Suffocation, anaal nathrakhs, and behemoth wounds are often symptoms of radiation. People have tried to mix it with Metallium Gothenburgium and Power Metallium, but this resulted in scar symmetry, a medical condition that's even more painful than it sounds. The result of the mixing, however, was discovered intact (after everyone nearby had been evacuated) and found to be surprisingly heavy. Examples of Death Metallium include Abnormalitium and Cephalic Carnagium.
If exposed to too much sceneium pollution, Death Metal can deteriorate into deathcore, in a process known as a 'breakdown'.
[edit] Cannibal Corpsium
The most violent and used of all death metalliums, Cannibal Corpsium is used as a utensil in eating back to life, a tool in butchering at birth, and a key to the tomb of the mutilated. It leads to bloodthirst if one is bleeding in proximity of it, and gore obsession if a victim of the evisceration plague is near it. It was discovered in the vile gallery of suicide. Strongly used by Zombies.
[edit] Cryptopsium
Cryptopsium is used by those who have blasphemy made flesh. It leads to whisper supremacy, and then you’ll beg. Many who have seen Cryptopsy often claim after seeing it that there are none so vile (referring to other metalliums). It loses its death metallium qualities in its 6th stage.
[edit] Deathium
Deathium, along with Morbid Angelium, were the first death metalliums. It is very requested and used by Philosophers, due to its Sacred Serenity, its unmistakable Sound of Perseverance, and its ancient Symblic meaning; but its complex Idividual Thought Patterns have made scientists think that this element has a Lack of Comprehension. If an average Human tries to manage this element without permisssion and/or A Moment of Clarity, he (or she) may be exposed to catch Leprosy, suffer a Rigor Mortis-like experience, And in the worst cases, to Scream Bloody Gore. In that case, the victim must be attended immediately by a Death Metallium especialist in order to receive Spiritual Healing. Although highly useful in all of it’s stages, deathium is no longer found.
[edit] Deicidium
Deicidium is used in the creation of serpents of the light legions. It was often used in torture devices, which was why it was found once upon the cross. It is recommended to be used in a band playing the insineratehymn. People who bare scars of the crucifix created by deicidium will have to be tormented in hell. Those around deicidium have noticed a strong stench of redemption. The use of this element is strongly forbidden by the Catholic Church (Or any Theistic Religion). Nonetheless, it's one of the most popular Death Metalliums to Date.
[edit] Dying Fetusium
Noted for it’s association with America, Dying Fetusium is used in purification through violence, killing on adrenaline, destruction of opposition, stopping at nothing, and as war spoils in wars of attrition. Many changes in the chemical structure of dying fetusium have occurred, but the properties stay generally the same.
[edit] Morbid Angelium
Morbid Angelium, along with Deathium, were the first death metalliums. Morbid angelium is used in sacrifices at the altars of madness. Those who take part in domination use it, and it is a key ingredient in gateways to annihilation and formulas fatal to flesh. It was used to sign the covenant called blessed are the sick.
[edit] Grindcorium
A refined version of Death Metallium. Was created over in England in 1982. Incredibly hard and strong in nature, it is mainly used in the production of terrorizers, pig destroyers, and extreme noise terrors. Misuse will result in constant breebreebreeing, heinous killings, a spate of napalm deaths, agoraphobic nosebleeds, Analrapophobias, and Staircase Abortions. Oftentimes it can cause a sore throat. The brutal truth is, you will likely regurgitate.
[edit] Goregrindium
This is an incredibly heavy and unstable isotope of the Grindcore metal. It was discovered back in 1987 by high-power quantum chemist Bill Steer, in an attempt to create an evil carcass army. This metal, upon formation, is so unstable that it emits an ultra-low gurgling sound and explodes, regurgitating into a scalding hot red-colored goop that continues to emit a low gurgling sound until its 24 second half-life expires.
[edit] Metalcorium
This form of heavy metal is formed when the atomic "core" of pure heavy metal converges with an element known as trivium, commonly found in the semen of sheep belonging to weird-looking holy folk, or Lambs of God, who usually beTreyu. This element was created accidentally, when an unemployed farmer with extreme Suicidal Tendencies had made a murder-suicide pact with his Valentine; but being unemployed and consequently poor, could not afford any Bullets with which to complete the act. Seeking a Job fit for a Cowboy, he reported to a local farmer begging him for an occupation of some kind. To illustrate how useful he would be on the farm, he offered to manually masturbate a nearby sheep for purposes of artificial insemination and produced massive quantities of Trivium in the process. Unfortunately, the force of the Escape of the semen, unPlanned for, killed All the poor sheep (named Dillinger)that Remained, and the farmer, enraged, fired at the young boy with his Killswitch Engage (a very useful weapon by even today's standards), but missed, striking the pile of sheep semen on the ground As the sheep Lay Dying, creating a certain type of Hatebreed. As the bullets were made of pure heavy metal, so metalcorium was formed. Out of ammo, the farmer nonetheless Avenged himself by kicking the boy in the nuts Sevenfold, giving him a high-pitched, whiny voice.
[edit] Deathcorium
Although this element is not as famous as Metalcorium, it is certainly more destructive than it, due to the lethal combination of Metalcorium and Death Metallium. It was discovered by four forensics who were investigating The Black Dahlia Murder case, and managed to handle theisotope well. People who can handle this element Have Wrestled with a Bear Once, can Bring The Horizon to their feet without any problem, declare that Heaven Shall Burn and can successfully do a Job for a Cowboy. However, those who are too weak to manage it are condemned to suffer a God Forbid, Divine Heresy that consists of Bleeding Through, Bleed from Within, and constantly receive Winds of Plague, even As They Sleep. This constant suffering will decrease their Loathsome Faith and scream A Plea for Purging, but nothing will work and they will be forced to make a Suicide Silence. According to deathcore especialist, Dr. Oceano Caliban, All the people who don't know how to manage it Shall Perish. It's extremely destructive, but not quite as Death Metallium.
[edit] Metallium Gothenburgium
Discovered at the gates in the early nineties, it has gained popularity in recent years, and is fast overtaking many of its cousins as the primary active ingredient in M.O.S.H cores, a vital component of modern Nucular Weapons. It was confirmed that extreme expositions might set people in flames. This Heavy Metal is very expensive as it took years of Soilwork to get it. Has been known to put users in a state of dark tranquillity, causing severe cases of insomnium and nightrage to occur. Mixing with Black Gothium may result in disarmonia mundi, and mixture with pure black metallium is considered hypocrisy. But the most violent reactions occur when mixed with Thrash Metalium in the presence of a woman- this leads to decadence, orphan hate, and the abrupt realization of your arch enemy. The resulting energy from this, in fact, can light entire cities.
[edit] Bodomite
In ancient times, on a silent night, Bodom night, three unsuspecting teenagers from Finland were murdered with a triple-corpse hammerblow from Roy The Reaper by the shores of Lake Bodom. What nobody would discover for decades was that beneath the lake was an undiscovered bed of razors. These were no ordinary razors, they were made of an alloy of Pure Black Metallium, Thrash Metallium, and Power Metallium. But as the waters of Bodom turned a shade of red as these children of bodom drew their last breaths, their blood mixed with the metal under the surface, unleashing the wrath within, and thus, Bodomite was formed. It wasn't discovered until years later, but the five Finnish kids who found it were soon infected with it, and given insane playing skills. Soon, the rest of the world was too- Bodomite is very catchy. But beware- possession of Bodomite carries a terrible curse that will make the user trashed, lost, and strungout, and feel like they're being needled 24/7.
Bodomite is one of the few Heavy Metals that cannot be cloned easily using an industrial process. Trust me, people have tried it, but not even the Finns can come up with a carbon... err, Bodomite copy. Naildownium and MorsPrincipiumEstium mark two failed experiments in that field. The latter, however, turned out to be very sticky, and one day in 2004, a scientist let it out of their sight, and the test sample just happened to fall out of the beaker. It came into contact with the fragile flesh of other, more pure samples, and absorbed them to make a hell of a badass mixture.
Mixing Bodomite with more Thrash Metallium causes cold and angsty winds to blow from the North.
Many believe that the razors used in Bodomite limit its intensity and overall vanire. They came to the conclusion that the razors had various impurities with only one substance being the main strength (known as Alexite). Nearby Lake Bodom resides a swamp from where a trident emerged from the growling depths to Dance on the Water. The trident appeared to have been fashioned in the same way as the razors but left to cool in a bog. This, ironically, left it with a cleaner look and more pretencious edges but still felt raw and muddy. This was later named "Kalmahdium". So defying of all laws of physics that it should defy the laws of grammar. However, because of its rarity it was never revealed to the public eye and thus its true benefits were never known. Its discoverer, "Tordah" was negotiating with the Swamplord to have it removed from his property but it shows no signs of Withering Away. In 2003, the Swamplord attacked Tordah With Terminal Intensity. He was admitted to hospital with cases of Cloned Insanity and Hollow Heart. After Defeat of all medical options, Tordah succumbed to Suodeth. From the police inquiry, Swamplord said his motives were "For My Nation" and "For The Revolution". Svieri Doroga has continued in place of Tordah ever since. In 2005 Swamplord was Doubtful About It All and performed a "Black Waltz" in memory of his victim.
[edit] Swamp Metallium
Created from a mutation between Bodomite and Pure Norsk Black Metallium, this terminally intense element was discovered in the town of Hades, Finland. A man with mystery named Cal Mahh stumbled upon it while being led to the gallows. Hanging his head in defeat, he kicked a stone on the ground. Suddenly he saw his dead man's shadow take the form of a bird of ill omen. It's wings of blackening stretched towards the sky, and blessed him with an unbelievable shredding ability. After his execution he became swamplord of swamphell, and to this day he is still the only person to master the element.
[edit] Viking Metallium
First synthesized in a bar in Sweden during the 80's by Professor Amon of the Amarth university in Tumba, it is a moderately stable metal, and equally rare. Ensiferum Metallium is the most recently discovered form, and is touted by scientists as one of the greatest breakthroughs in heavy metal in recent years. Listeners have been known to become enslaved by this metal being unleashed on their ears. Still more surprisingly, Viking Metallium has been found to bond quite effectively with Progressive Metallium, producing an exquisite alloy called Týrium.
[edit] Folk Metallium
Often considered a close chemical cousin to Viking Metallium, this form of metal was first synthesized by British scientists Martin Walkyier and Steve Ramsey. Eventually, more exotic forms of this metal came to be discovered in remote, previously unexplored territories of rural Finland. Although Folk Metallium is often found in alloys, Finntrollite and Korpiklaanium are considered to be relatively pure specimens, with Finntrollite being the heavier and less stable of the two. There is, however, a wide range of natural variation, from the very light and beautiful lumpsks of this metal found in Norway, to the very heavy and dense Swiss variety Eluveitite. In general, Folk Metallium is a dangerous substance and must be handled with the utmost care, as repeated exposure is prone to cause rapid, uncontrolled movement along with ethanol saturation in susceptible individuals.
[edit] Avant-Garde Metallium
Discovered by physicist Mike Patton. Not much known, except that it is used in the production of Fantomas. More info supposed to be found soon, as the isotope is on the brink of the future, but, by definition, will always be on the brink of the future. It is said to come from the Third Brightest Star in the Firmament via ways of an uneXpected meteor crash. A particularly prized sample of this metal has been found on the distant star Arcturus, which unfortunately went supernova in 2007, vexing physicists all over the world.
[edit] Droneasfuck Metallium
Completely derived from Black Sabbathium, this form of heavy metal claims to be archaic in structure, but is absolutely fucked in nature. Migraines, the shits, and anal rape are constant symptoms of it. Also linked to the Poseur Movement (See TIME magazine). Often copies other elements compisition such as Saint Vitum Metallium, Earthium, and dildos.
[edit] Love Metallium
The most gaynique element. First created when self-loving Ville Valo's mirror broke and the pieces fell into a jar of anal lube that belonged to Bam Margera, this element is not actually Heavy Metal and is composed mainly of glass; the only Metal in it is microscopic fragments of the frame of the broken mirror. This element has been known to be the most different from all other elements, as there is only one band that could play it and not be confused for "Emoium", however there is a large amount of Pseudo-Gothium, a related element, evidenced by Ville Valo's followers wearing of pendants in the form of a Heartagram made from the melted Love Metallium.
It's meant as a joke. Read the rest you humourless, boring, over-obessed people!
[edit] Pirateium Metallium
A rare form of metal, the first major discovery of it was the Running Wildium that was originally found. After a few years in which it was fairly abundant, it became harder to find. However, when Battleheartium was discovered it gained a small but dedicated consumer base. Battleheartium, however, evolved into Alestormium - a much more successful and popular variant. Excessive exposure will lead to being followed Over The Seas by The Huntmaster, a mythical creature that alledgedly lives Under Jolly Roger who enjoys Wenches and Mead.
