Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, and the communists, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.
Before You Freak Out, Allow Me To Explain
- By A Reassuring Man in a Lab Coat
The universe, like all things, has to end. In about 10100 years, even black holes will start disappearing. The universe itself will reach a state where inertia overtakes energy. Here, allow me to demonstrate using this pen. You see how when I write, it loses ink? That's like the universe. Here, allow me to demonstrate further using this grenade. You see when I pulled the pin and threw it out the window it exploded? That's like the universe. There's no stopping it either, it's a fact of thermodynamics that the universe will run out of energy.
The end of the universe won't be dramatic, it will just disintegrate. However, this will mean the end for many of our most prized possessions. For example, it will be the end of our television shows, and our cash flow, to name two. However, there are many dozens of important items that will also be obliterated when the time comes... in 10100 years.
- By A Rich Person With An Anxiety Disorder
OH SHIT! OH SHIT MAN! I will pay a million bucks to whoever can fix this problem! PLEASE HURRY! HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE LEFT??!!? NOOOO! WE'RE DOOMED! HURRRYYY!!! SAVE MEEE!!
I Have A Plan
- By An Architect
We need to construct a wall. This wall will be one hundred feet tall and made out of pure titanium. We need to corner off this area here so that no heat escapes. A roof will be constructed to make sure that no heat escapes above us. This operates on the theory that heat is a tricky son of a bitch. We will have heat generators here, here, and here. At the gate we will post no less than three guards to make sure that no heat escapes. There's no way to protect the rest of the universe outside the wall, but that's okay. The wall will be strong enough to withstand even the toughest black hole.
I Have A Better, Manlier Plan
- By A Gruff Mercenary
Okay, so the universe is about to be kidnapped by heat-ninjas, or something: can we find someone who's a bad enough dude to save it? If I know my Anime comics, and I do, the guy who's trying to destroy the universe is blond and pretty. We need to find him and nail his ass to the wall. Anybody crazy enough to take down the universe has got to have a lot of baggage, so we need to be careful. I'm guessing the universe did somethin' to make this guy angry: somethin' bad.
A guy who's gonna take down the universe has got to be pretty badass. I'm guessing he has lots of time and a black hole machine. He's probably got all sorts of gremlins 'n shit that do his dirty work for him. They're equipped with, like, entropy guns: guns that make heat degenerate. I bet he lives in some huge entropy fortress 'r somethin'. All we need to do is find somebody with a crazy grudge against the universe who lives in a castle. The rest will be up to me. I bet he's hiding somewhere where there's a massive black hole. It'll be up to me to jump inside and kill him at the last second! We gotta stop the fucker before this gets outta hand!
I Will Have An Even Better Plan
- By A Lazy Person
Oh, don't you guys worry, I already figured out exactly what to do. We... well... it's kinda hard to explain. In fact, it's almost impossible to explain without visual cues. If anyone wants to make those for me...? No? Well, then I guess I'll make my own visual cues, but it may take a little while, you know how it is... Besides, I just don't wanna. I mean, I want to, I'm just so tired lately, I think maybe I'm already feeling the effects of all that dissipating energy. You guys gotta get started doing those visual cues for me. The clock is ticking, and the fate of the universe is in your hands!
Also, before I make those visual cues, someone is gonna have to make up a plan for me. I know I may seem unreasonable, but I know that if someone makes up the plan, creates the visual cues, gives the stirring presentation, and saves the universe, I just know I could do the rest! Now, I'm off to have a nap.
I have a plan just crazy enough to work!
- By A Crazy Person
Well I think it's obvious who's stealing our heat: The aliens. There's only one way to take care of aliens that I'm aware of. We need to sacrifice someone in order to appease their inhuman alien appetites. We need to do it on the hottest day of the year, to symbolize our love of heat, and we need to do it in the middle of the desert, all in loincloths. Now, I know this sounds crazy but we need to put aside our stereotyping of disturbed people to put this plan in perspective. The aliens won't know what hit em if you listen to me. If you listen to Mr. Big Britches over here with his plan for a big wall, the aliens will kill us all before we've even have a chance. Also, I'm a Vietnam vet, can ya spare some change?
I Be Havin' A Humdinger of a Plan
- By A Redneck
Naw, I was jus' listenin' to that scientist feller talk about the extinction of energy in the known universe, and I was thinkin: Isn't this just like a big ternader? This is exactly like a big ternader, 'cordin ta mah and Ruth Ann Jackson , 'ceptin it be comin in 10120 years er so. You know what Ruth Ann Jackson
and Ruth Ann Jackson did tha last time a ternader come through these parts? They closed the shutters and sent ther kids inside! Yeah, they los' the mobile, but they still got that disabled car sittin' on cinderblocks in the front yard! That's how I see it: at the end of the universe, we'll still have that ol' metaphorical-like car sittin' in the front yard as a back up plan in case sendin' the kids inside doesn't stop the "run down" of the universe tah a state of no thermodynamic free energy to sustain motion er life. You know the name of that car in the front lawn? It's Jesus. It was Jesus awll alowng.
I've got a plan, but none of you will listen to it... I hate how you all judge me!
- By a teenage scene kid
Maybe if we just like, talked to the heat, you know? And we told it out feelings, and it told us its feelings, and we could all cry for a while and then be together in loneliness and sort things out. Then we'd all be, like, happy and stuff, right? I mean, I bet if we could understand our differences with the heat, and then we could all, like, totally get down to the mall and hang out and maybe buy that new Fallout Boy CD and a cool belt at Hot Topic, then we could, like, understand each other. Oh, and if we all stopped eating meat, then there would be, like, less heat, too. That's why I'm totally Vegan, you know? I just wanna, like, make a difference, you know? I just wish my parents, like, understood me, like, better. They totally don't! Sometimes at night I cry...
- By someone who is apparently the only rational person in the room
You do know that this won't happen for 10120 years, right? That's a 1, followed by 121 zeros. There won't even be an Earth by that time! You and all of your ancestors will all be long dead! In fact, this doesn't affect any of you at all in any way, other than perhaps having to study this in physics class. Plus, the laws of thermodynamics and infinity of the universe make this literally inevitable, it will almost certainly happen. So why not just live your life, and not worry about any of this silly "heat death" business?
WE'RE NOT LISTENNIIINGG!!
- By the nervous millionaire again
YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I don't care how many 0's are in your paycheck, Mr. Man! You and the liberals in Washington don't understand the seriousness of this whole fuckin' thing! You can go back to friggin' San Francisco and smoke pot and reflect on how we don't have any problems, OR YOU CAN HELP US NOW! Okay, OKAY! I'M CALM, DAMMIT! Here's the strategy guys, lean in:
- I really liked that wall idea. Architect dude, I'll give you a million to build a wall around my mansion that will last a bazillion years!
- Gruff military guy, I want you to shoot as many of those terrorists or whatever you were talking about as you can!
- Lazy guy, I want you to go out there and do all you can to make sure people don't use heat to do things. Make everyone lazy!
- Crazy guy, I want you to be the vice president in charge of Heat Affairs!
- Redneck, I want you to pray! Pray like you're under attack by either the crazy guy or the military dude!
- Emo kid, I want you to take heat to the mall and talk about your feelings! Because... *SNIFF!* I can relate...
We don't have much time. Lets just all thank God that everyone in the world isn't like that self-proclaimed "rational person." NOW, GET OUT THERE AND SPREAD THE WORD OF PANIC!! COME BACK HERE WHEN HEAT ISN'T DEAD!!