Head them off at the pass

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PirateShipSailing
The Canadian Navy, about to be cut off at the pass

Head them off at the pass is a stock strategy of the heroes of Hollywood Western movies (or "oaters"), as they defeat the villains.

"The pass" is a mountain crossing, so narrow that they's horses done hafta cross it in single file. "Them" (usually rendered as "'em") would be the Bad Guys. What is never made clear is how the Good Guys have a way to get to the pass before the Bad Guys do. However, clearly, once they get to the pass, the Bad Guys could be encircled and trapped by the Good Guys. No oater is complete without a climactic race to "the pass," which the Good Guys win. They then arrest the Bad Guys and read them their Miranda rights. Finally, everyone draws their sixguns at the same time, all the Bad Guys are killed, none of the Good Guys is even nicked, and the ACLU never files a protest.

Heading them off at the pass is a key in the history of Canada, partly because Canadians dote on movies about the American West, and partly because it is a uniquely Canadian strategy of getting to "the pass" first, not to put Bad Guys in custody or shoot them up, but to get completely across "the pass" before them and avoid conflict entirely.

"Head 'em off at the pass" is also a key strategy in soccer, in which a forward receives a pass with his forehead, with the resulting "header" scoring a goal. It was another key event in Canadian history when this strategy was applied in hockey.

edit The 1492 Canadian Invasion of the Ocean Blue

About to be taken over by Canada, Columbus uttered those famous words "Head them off at the pass". In a stroke of genius, the Columbian Army was able to beat the Canadian Army to the pass, resulting in the immediate slaughter of millions of Canadian Soldiers.

edit The 1776 Canadian Invasion of Boston

Canadian invasion
Canadians would rule the USA, rendering the entire continent light blue on maps, if it weren't for this maneuver.

About to be taken over by Canada, George Washington uttered those famous words "Head them off at the pass". In a stroke of genius, the Continental Army was able to beat the Canadian Army to the pass, resulting in the immediate slaughter of millions of Canadian Soldiers.

edit The 1812 Canadian Invasion of Easter Island

About to be taken over by Canada, the statues of Easter Island broke their signature silence and uttered those famous words "Head them off at the pass". In a stroke of genius, the Easter Island Army was able to beat the Canadian Army to the pass, resulting in the immediate slaughter of millions of Canadian Soldiers.

edit The 1897 Canadian Invasion of Alaska

Klondike Routes Map
Multiple Canadian invasions were headed off at the pass by the Alaskan Army.

About to be taken over by Canada, Alaskan Eskimos uttered those famous words "Head them off at the pass". In a stroke of genius, the Alaskan Army was able to beat the Canadian Army to the pass, resulting in the immediate slaughter of millions of Canadian Soldiers.

edit The 1920 Canadian Invasion of Germany

About to be taken over by Canada, Hitler uttered those famous words "Head them off at the pass". In a stroke of genius, the German Army was able to beat the Canadian Army to the pass, resulting in the immediate slaughter of millions of Canadian Soldiers.

edit The War on Christmas

About to see his Toy Warehouse in the North of Nunavut taken over by Canada, Santa Claus ordered his elves to "Head them off at the pass". In a stroke of genius, the elvin Army was able to beat the Canadian Army to the pass, resulting in the immediate slaughter of millions of Canadian Soldiers.

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