Manliness
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“And then, I touched my own manhood, and indeed, I was a man!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Manliness
“I like my men like I like my coffee. Dark, with a touch of cream and two sugars.”
~ Karl Marx on Men
“Manliness a lie is. Only the Force there is.”
~ Yoda on Manliness
Manliness defines the physical and behavioral attributes of a real man. (Not a woman, a man.) The subject of much scholarly debate, manliness is regularly addressed in such peer-reviewed journals as Playgirl and Men Magazine. The world's great inebriated leaders and visionaries, such as Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, and George W. Bush are manly, not only because they're men, but because they're men who will drink a pint of whiskey and can still run a country and/or take a bullet.
Manliness, like religion, is a truth that permeates all cultures, languages, and action movie studios. However, not all cultures are of equal manliness; Canadians for example are considerably more manly, (and more wealthy), than Mexicans. This is due to high levels of lumberjack-ness found in the blood stream of canadian men; on the other hand, Mexicans have tacos. Tacos aren't manly. Moreover, a truly manly man is someone who cuts to the chase, calls it like it is, and sips cognac while playing tackle football in a trenchcoat while screaming "This is Sparta!".
Contents |
[edit] History of Manliness
It is believed that manliness dates back to ancient times, when cavemen (That's right. MEN.), dissatisfied by the size of their man-equipment in relation to others', invented the wheel in order to provide their similarly deprived ancestors, in the form of need for speed, pimp my ride, the monster truck, need for speed 2 and Jeremy Clarkson. Other pre-historic manly activities include fire-inventing, trepanning and chasing after big, hairy, manly creatures before poking them with sticks and eating them.
Some other manly men have also featured in the history books, notable examples being, the picts, the vikings, that guy from 300, your mother and that other guy from the Asterix books.[1]
[edit] Man Law
Man Law[2] (revised edition):
| Problem Posed | Man Law Solution |
|---|---|
| If a friend gets you a beer from the bar, is it acceptable for the friend to stick his finger in the opening to bring back several beers to the table at once? | No. "You poke it, you own it." |
| What does Man Law say about hugging other guys? | This is a curious issue. If hugging a (family) relative that you have not seen in a long time, two hands is appropriate. But if hugging anyone else, a hand shake with the other hand over their shoulder is more than enough. |
| When toasting with beer, should you clink with the top or the bottom of the bottle? | The Bottom, because clinking the top would swap saliva and thus qualify as kissing. |
| Is the high five officially played out? | Yes, but a continuance has been issued until a replacement can be found. |
| Does someone have to root for a team when watching football? | Yes. You must always choose to root for a team. |
| Can you put a lime or any other fruit in your beer? | No, fruit is completely off limits in beer. If one were to put fruit in a beer, they might as well put a little umbrella in it and call it a "beera colada". Man Law: "Don't Fruit the Beer." |
| Is it acceptable for a wife or girlfriend to store items other than beer in the garage fridge? | No. The line is the line - It is the only sovereign territory left. |
| Is crushing beer cans on your forehead still cool? | No. Cans are not as thick as they once were. Crushing one back then was saying something, but now, it's lame. |
| Can a man wash his hair in the sink? | No. Under no circumstance shall a man wash his hair in a sink. Hair washing will only take place in the shower, OR, the barber. |
| If it is raining, is it permissible to hold the umbrella for another man? | No. Man law prohibits the holding of a shared umbrella. |
| When sitting down for lunch, is it okay for two guys to sit next to each other in at a four-seated table? | No. When approaching a table, men must sit on opposite sides of the table, and most of the time opposite angles as well. |
| Urinals? | The rule of 3 applies. |
| Is it permissible to have a gathering with your fishing buddies with no beer? | No, how can you tell fish tales and keep a straight face without beer? |
| When down by one, do you go for the tie or the win? | The win. Men go for it. |
| Can women do the exploding fist bump? | No, against man law. |
[edit] Symptoms of Manliness
Q: What do I do if I suspect Manliness? A: Nothing. Unless you suspect a case of Forced-Manliness, in which case a strong dose of member-size-affirmation will work wonders.[3]
Scientists have recently isolated the symptoms of manliness, including (but not limited to): irrepressible urge to make things faster/bigger/have bazookas on them, strong aversion to housework and instruction manuals, ability to come up with macho catchphrases or relentlessly repeat ones seen on TV, endless supply of Chuck Norris jokes and susceptibility to Man flu
[edit] Man flu
Look at the article! Lazy men..
[edit] Manly Men
- God - See Carmine
- Moe Mowlam - stands accused
- Randy Orton - The WWE beefcake and human man-mountain.
- Bruce Lee - I'd think it's kind of obvious here. Most manly non-immortal being in the universe. He's the man that taught Chuck Norris how to be manly. He's the man that killed Chuck Norris for not being as manly as he was, then resurrected him with a flick of his pinky to resume the lessons in manliness. This manly man was the epitome of manly. In fact, he was so manly that he died of being manly.
- Bruce Campbell - Kills zombies, briefly is a zombie, cuts off his own hand with the same chainsaw he later replaces it with. You be manlier than that, I dare ya.
- Sean Bean - It is commonly accepted in the UK that Mr. Bean is the originator of the term and lifestyle known as "manliness."
- Till Lindemann - Till, sometimes known as God, is the lead singer of Rammstein. In his spare time, he has been known to rob banks, set things on fire, and look bored.
- Andrew Ragauskas (Molemang) - Some may know him as simply moleman or king of Wanny South, He is the undisputed king of everything and can whoop D-wards ass in .57 seconds...he is known to have killed king kong and is the reason for world poverty and aids, he loves destroying things such as Shehan and Dennis and will one day get his revenge on shahan for being a lil weed. he loves to smoke darts for breakfast lunch and tea and eating meat pies and bangin his bitch. also willis is awesome
- Vita - his name is Vita, he lives in a bungalow, there is no more to say
- Vinnie Jones - Once had over 500 bullets enter his body from a machine gun during a family argument, and barely even noticed. This man could kill you with one flick.
- Chuck Norris - Just being an internet phenomenon makes you manly. Having that, and actually crushing ninjas in real life, combines to make manly manliness.
- Vin Diesel - All you kids forget that he was also an internet phenomenon.
- David Lee Roth - Roth makes me think Raving mad, to the point of ripping off arms. so... Manly arm-ripping. And singing like a chick means he's secure about his masculinity. In fact, he's so secure in his manliness that he has been known to stuff his pants with socks. Phwoar that gets me horny... I'm not so sure actually... What's he know that we don't to make him so secure?
- Les Claypool - He could easily snap your neck with his wicked slap/pop knuckle slamming.
- Bears - If a non-man could be manly, this'd be the first thing on everyones mind, all the time, every time.
- Samuel L. Jackson - C'mon he uses the word motherfucker every five seconds and whips snakes ass
- The kickboxer from Snakes on a Plane - He grabbed a snake and squeezed out his eyes, he wins, and deserves a good time with your sister.
- Every single mortal kombat character ever - Duh. FATALITY.
- Stephen Drozd - In a band with a bunch of gays, whilst drumming and being straight at the same time. Rock on, Clap Your Hands.
- Wolverine - comon. He has CHOPS. his face has so much hair on it im surprised we don't see more Phillip Pelusi item placement in the movies.
- The Juggernaut - nothing needs to be said. I'm assuming you live on the internet too.
- Kyle Hyde - He makes every single sentence he has ever uttered an open invitation to punch him... because he feels like fighting. Manly.
- Pirates - They booze hard, then go rob and beat the crap out of people.
- Maddox - A pirate who wrote the book The Alphabet of Manliness and known by Chuck Norris, lumberjacks, and pirates to be the arbiter of manliness.
- The Fonz - This guy jumped over a shark on friggin' waterskis. 'nuff said.
- attack Pit Bulls - They are COMPLETELY INSANE and will attack people at random. Real men scare people. You would piss yourself if you where in a vet wiating room with one of these, and all he was doing was lying down...
- Godzilla - Think about the size of his unit.
- People who have one eye - oviuslee.
- That dude from Reign of fire - where its all sad and shit but gets eaten at end after plunging axe into dragon's face.
- Space Marines - imagine an enraged Chuck Norris inside a metal suit that amplifies his strength a hundredfold with a chainsaw-sword in one hand and a full-auto armor-piercing rocket propelled grenade launcher in the other...
- Bruce Willis - The baldest asskickingist yippe-kai-aayst motherfucker since Rambo (And Chuck Norris)
- Solid Snake - He smokes cyanide cigars and accidentally killed his brother with a virus while ironically trying to kill him with more physical means.
- Kamina - Just who the hell do you think he is?
- Mr. T - "How is he not here? Seriously, double-u tee eff? He's the manliest mother fuck"a" there ev"a" was." - some anonymous uncyclopedia user. Also, he pity da fool. Suckawwwn dat!
