Hayden Christensen
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“Why I do believe that this young man is in need of a spanking”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hayden Christensen
“He's wooden”
~ Captain Obvious on Hayden Christensen
“HEY-OHHHHHH!”
~ Sigmund Freud on The quote above
“'You need to learn to emote kid!!'”
~ Steven Seagal on Hayden Christensen
Hayden Christensen is the rape child of George Lucas and Carrie Fisher, and actually had a cameo as the slight bulge on Fisher's gut during her bikini scene in Return of the Jedi, which would place his birthday at around 1984. He was given up for adoption to a kindly Hugh Hefner, who at the time was living in Egypt as part of his "Fuck a Woman in Every Single Country Tour." Hayden was known for the role of Manequin Skywalker in the Star Wars Prequels.
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[edit] "Career"
[edit] 1986-2002
In 1986 a four year old Christensen played a bit part in his preschool's Thanksgiving play. Angry that he was not given the role of Squanto, little Hayden emphatically shouted his one line before breaking down in dramatic tears. The line was "Pass the stuffing." It was his "wear your emotions on your sleeve" style which attracted him to the masses.
[edit] Star Wars
George Lucas decided to track down his bastard child, and in an incredibly creative way of fucking over the courts, he declared he would pay child support in the form of a salary for playing one of the most iconic characters in the history of film. Hayden's over-the-top style of acting led to failure, and he was publicly shamed and humiliated by means of pie. George Lucas who was curious as to who to hire consulted Francis Ford Coppola, his long time friend about the ideas of nepotism in casting.
[edit] Jumpie
Hayden had a direct to Betamax movie about time travel called Jumpie. There was no Lucas or Obi Wan in this so Hayden got to act without bitching and whining. It did go on to prove that his remaining skills are underdeveloped. One of the most innovative time travel stories that didn't involve De Loreans. Just by jumping in the air, Jumpie can jump through time to witness time periods where pretty actors didn't help contribute to the ruin of beloved franchises.
[edit] Fanbase
9% of Christensen's fanbase is squealing middle school girls. The rest is himself. Christensen attended Unionville High School, Canada, where he did not graduate properly from all his courses including english, except from this so called drama school called "Arts York", and had severe attitude problems, where people were getting tired of his cocky attitude and used to haze and beat the crap out of him in highschool. As far as people who love him, there aren't many. It is said that Sebastian Shaw wants to murder him.
