Hayden Christensen

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HaydenChrist2017

Hayden at the 2017 Star Wars Celebration, lookin' sharp. Since him and Ewan look pretty slick right now, maybe Disney could remake the prequels with them reprising their roles, but with an actual director who knows how to get his actors to emote... just a thought.

Hayden A. Christensen (born April 19, 1981) is a Canadian prettyboy actor. He is best known for playing Anakin "Mannequin" Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels, as well as being in some other movies like Life as a House, Shattered Glass, and Jumper which nobody really knows much about, though his acting is supposedly better in those movies.

edit Early life

Christensen was the illegitimate child of Star Wars creator George Lucas and Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher from during their brief fling, and actually had a cameo as the slight bulge on Fisher's gut during her bikini scene in Return of the Jedi, filmed in 1980. He was given up for adoption to a kindly Canadian couple, being the youngest of their four children. His adoptive older sister, Hejsa, is a former trampoline champion and got into a Pringles commercial, while his adoptive aunt, supermodel Helena Christensen, was recently voted Denmark's most beautiful lefty. Hayden's middle name, "Amanda", was chosen because his adoptive parents wanted another girl so bad, so when they didn't, they compromised their adoptive son's name to fill the void. Whenever he signs his name "Hayden A. Christensen", he tells people the "A." is just a letter he put there because he has no middle name.

Christensen was raised in Thornhill, Ontario outside Toronto and attended Baythorn Public School as a child. In 1985, a four-year-old Hayden played a bit part in his preschool's Thanksgiving play. Angry that he was not given the role of Squanto, little Hayden emphatically shouted his one line, "Pass the stuffing", before breaking down in dramatic tears. It was his "wear your emotions on your sleeve" style which attracted him to the masses. After this, he went to Unionville High School, where he played on the Jedi Hockey Team against the Sith but later switched teams, and graduated properly from all his courses excluding Light Side Studies. He then went to the so-called drama college Arts York, where he was fawned over by the mindless action girls but got hazed and beaten up by the pretentious film noir boys, who hated his "wooden" and "monotone" attitude.

Christensen was raised in Canada, but eventually returned to his birthplace the States because of the poor television programming in Canada.

edit Career

edit 1993–2001: Early career

In 1993, Christensen was on a German–Canadian junk show, Family Passions. The following year, he had a minor role in John Carpenter's In the Month of Madness. In 1995, he had another bit part in Street Law and television films Love and Betrayal: The Mia Farrow Story and Harrison Bergeron (who changed his last name to "Ford"). In 1996, he got yet another stale little part in the television film No Greater Love, then went home and left the acting for the birds. Shortly after, Hayden came back to acting and starred in the horror show Goosebumps, in two-part episode "Night of the Living Dummy", where he plays the dummy (12-year-old Zane the idiot). In 1998, he had a huge part in The Hairy Bird where he has a cameo in a tree with the bird; he's shown for about three seconds. Next, he had a very humongous part in 1999's Free Fall where he fell of a cliff, and died in time for them to make the movie The Virgin Suicides the same year.

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hayden Christensen.

In 2001, Christensen starred in the movie Life as a House, where he played the house because all the other parts were taken. He got three awards for the "Breakthrough Performance of the Year", plus most of the girls liked his good looks. So far, it all worked out perfectly for Hayden's career, but he still desired more. He wanted to get some good news out of his fellow actors; he wanted people to tell him his acting was good, and that they wanted to put him in another movie, but all he received was lowly compensation: nine TV remotes, three Goosebumps-themed Pop Tarts, and seven AOL floppy discs. Little did he know that his true calling in life was right around the corner.

edit 2002–2005: Star Wars

Annykiss

Little Ani gets to mack on some babe with as much charisma as he has. Thankfully we've seen them act in other movies by directors who can make their actors emote and have proper tension.

“Fun while filming with him, I had.”
~ Yoda on Hayden Christensen
“He was the Chosen One! It was said that he'd destroy George Lucas's stale vacuous dialogue, not join it! Bring balance to the franchise, not leave it all in darkness!”
~ Ewan McGregor on Hayden Christensen

In 2002, Hayden finally got some good news when Star Wars creator George Lucas decided to track down his bastard child, and in an incredibly creative way of messing with the courts, he declared he would pay child support in the form of a salary for playing one of the most iconic characters in the history of film. Lucas cast his son as Anakin Skywalker, pre-Darth Vader transformation, in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, a low-budget documentary which criticizes the use of replicants on Kamino. Hayden was relieved to see his real dad for the first time, and he also got to kiss Natalie Portman (who played his lover Padmé Amidala; lucky bastard), bitch at Ewan McGregor (who played his master Obi-Wan Kenobi), and look Ian McDiarmid (who played his Dark Side seducer Palpatine) straight in the eyes. While shooting the scene where he's riding on the jetbike to find his in-universe mother Shmi, Hayden found out that George Lucas is 50 and dried his face with sandpaper; George didn't mind, but Hayden still apologized for saying his dad was 90.

Christensen's role in Star Wars made him a star, as it did with most people who starred in Star Wars (hence the Star in the title). Girls went gaga for him, and he was ranked in two magazines under the categories "50 Hottest People in the Sun", and "50 Coldest People in the Snow". He won 11 Oscars and 38 Meyers for Best Actor; Ebert and Roper said that "This young man has an unparalleled ability to act, which can only be explained as a gift from God." When he heard their comments, Hayden immediately called up Father George, and thanked him for the gift. However, not all was well for him; some critics panned Hayden's over-the-top, yet somehow wooden style of acting, and attempted to publicly shame and humiliate him by means of throwing pies at him. He won the Golden Raspberry Award for "Worst Supporting Actor", but retorted by eating its contents and spitting seeds out at the critics.

In-between Star Wars gigs, Hayden starred in the 2003 movie Shattered Glass, where he played the lying journalist who shatters said glass. It's the true story of Stephen Broken. Glass who loves to read, write, study, sing in the rain, and break glass. There was no Lucas or Obi-Wan in this, so Hayden actually did a pretty good job and got to act without bitching and whining.

SkywalkerAura

Christensen stretching his arms whilst his former friend Ewan McGregor attempts to stab his leather-sheathed armpit with a semi-erect lightsaber.

By the time Episode III: It's Over Anakin, Because Obi-Wan Has the HIGH GROUND began production, Hayden had no job at all and was $3 million in debt, and his fellow actors kept making fun of him which he hated. Lucas asked him to reprise his role as Anakin in Revenge, and if he didn't, they would have to get Fay Wray instead; Hayden accepted. He was relieved when Episode III came out in 2005 and it was a smashing success because now millions of girls fawned over him again, he became popular again, and he made enough money from his salary to pay off his debts. Allegedly, after the movie's premiere, Christensen got lost in Wal-Mart eight times while trying to find Star Wars action figures of Anakin (he's always been a devout fan of his character).

edit 2006–present: Dive back into irrelevance

After starring in Episode III, Hayden was freed from the shackles of Star Wars. When making the prequels, George Lucas had consulted his longtime friend Francis Ford Coppola about the ideas of nepotism in casting for Star Wars, and vowed never to make that mistake again when they were finished. Some fans believe Lucas should've casted Shia LaBeouf instead, although others believe he would've only been slightly less annoying as Ani instead of Hayden.

In 2008, Hayden starred in the direct-to-Betamax film Jumper, one of the most innovative time travel stories that didn't involve DeLoreans. Like with Shattered Glass, there was no Lucas or Obi-Wan in this, yet somehow, Hayden inexplicably returned to the style of bitching and whining, unlike the actual acting chops he demonstrated in Shattered Glass. Just by jumping in the air, Jumper can jump through time to witness time periods where prettyboy actors weren't unwittingly coaxed by senile directors into inadvertently contributing to the ruin of beloved franchises. The movie did go on to prove that not only are his acting skills underdeveloped, but his jumping skills are as well.

Since then, Hayden has not really been seen in the public eye much, though he has gotten over 146,299 offers for reality shows. He is apparently also a musician, and audiences everywhere love his great singing voice. Currently, nostalgic Millennials are petitioning for him to play Anakin's Force Ghost in Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi despite the howlings and protests of older fans. Because the media likes bringing up an underdog who they previously bashed into oblivion, they too have been reporting that Hayden plays Anakin's Force Ghost in Episode VIII, although whether or not this is fake news remains to be seen.

edit Personal life

Hayden loves pizza, lasagna, spaghetti, and various other Italian foods. His favorite person in the world is Justin Timberlake, and he even modeled his hair after Timberlake's for Attack of the Clones. He also is allergic to bees and high cholesterol, and allegedly hates sand due to its rough, coarse, and pervasive nature. He supposedly has poor eyesight, and wears contact lenses; some claim this is why his character Anakin turned to the dark side. When Christensen became an actor, he had to let go of some of the things he loved the most, because it is the Jedi way. For instance, he was only 12 when he found out that Santa Claus wasn't real.

Hayden has had a very private, silent life, especially since George Lucas's ridiculous dialogue crippled his reputation. Since he has not talked very much before, his friend thinks he's got something wrong with his gut.

edit Relationships

Since the release of Attack of the Clones, every screaming teenage girl in the world is jealous of Natalie Portman. Although he denies it, Christensen has a love for Portman deep down in his leg. That's part of the reason why he limps. Hayden has had over thirty-two girlfriends, one every two years. He has been attacked out of jealousy by his former girlfriend Sienna Miller, who owns the Miller at the Mill. He's tried to live with Jude Law, who's got no girlfriend, and they want to be bachelors together.

edit See also

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