Hastings, New Zealand

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Hastings Cup

Urban Zone Population What fucking urban population?
Extent The left hand to the right hand
& Havelock North
Territorial Authority Name Hastings District
Population 18 million sheep,
555,878,989,000,000 grapes
Extent As far as the drunk eye can see
See also Napier & Flashmere
Regional Council Name Hawke's Bay

Hastings is a town in the middle of a desert, well known for grape over-production which leads to an excess of wine which is the main diet, export and everything else of Hastings residents.

edit History

Once upon a time 200 years ago Captain James Cook was sailing around New Zealand wondering how to get home when a bunch of Flaxmerians kidnapped his Tahitian translator (to convert Cook's slurred drunken words into English) and kept him as their own, the population grew rapidly, by one person that year. Since then, the boy is immortal and lives today to translate tourists who get drunk on Hawke's Bay's industrial-strength wine into English or Bahasa Malay. White people came to Hawkes Bay trying to rescue the Tahitian boy, but got drunk, attacked by the Hawke's Bay Earthquake and forgot about technology and reverted to their primitave instincts. Descendants of these few white people are still around and their main diet is booze.

edit Geography

Hastings is situated in the middle of the desert with no nearby lakes, rivers or oceans. (Drunkenly known as the Tukituki Yellow Flood Plains). However an artesian well underground the city produces the water which is not drunk by the residents, but given to the vineyards to grow grapes for wine. Hastings residents, deprived of water have turned to drinking the region's only plentiful liquid, antifreeze. When hydration consists of mostly wine and antifreeze, it is clear why people in Hastings are so f@#%*d in the head.

It is also known as round-about city because there are so many, most unneeded, round-abouts.

edit Climate

Being a desert Hastings has a varying climate from up to 40C in midsummer (which is in January because New Zealand is part of Oppositeland) to as low as -2C on winter nights. However, this weather is usually sunny, good for grapes, but bad for skin which is why nearly 70% of residents develop skin cancer, thank goodness for the wine to forget all about it.

edit Culture

Other than Not being in contact with the real world they are slowly dying out. Hastings was founded when a lost retarded severely brain damaged group of Maori couldn't be pissed walking any further back to their home town of Auckland, suddenly they found grapes, added their beer to it and discovered wine. They brought back a bunch of drunkards from around the country and settled in the Hastings area. Then white people came along and turned the Maori drunken heaps into towns and then found out why the Maori were drunk and got drunk themselves. The Maori then got moved to Flashmere, so white and Asian people were left drunk in main Hastings.

A pattern evident in Hawkes Bay. People in the rural areas hope to get rich enough to move to Falxmere. People in Flaxmere hope to get rich enough to move to Hastings and people in Hastings hope to get rich enough to move to Havelock North. No-one wants to move to Napier because their houses are too expensive.

edit Lifestyle

Drunk as drunk could be, mostly. One item of interest is that Hastings Restaurants (McDonalds, KFC and BK) don't have specials boards, as that nothing special has ever or will happen in Hastings. It is also to mention that fast-food restaurants are well patronized, as the soda fountains are replaced with Hawke's Bay Wine, leaving customers fat and drunk after they've left (not as if they weren't that way already).

edit See also

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