From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“He solves problems.”
Harvey Keitel in his younger, bad-ass years, circa 1990
|Born||Harvey Wiesenthal Keitel|
September 1, 1939
Brooklyn, New York, U.S.
|Occupation||Actor, Problem-Solver, Nazi-Hunter|
|Partner||Jodie Foster (1974–Present)|
Harvey Keitel (born September 1, 1939, the day World War II broke out in Europe) is a Jewish-American Actor, Problem-Solver, and Nazi-Hunter. His life and times helped inspire some of Hollywood's greatest screenwriters and directors to produce classic films like Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver, Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, Robert Rodriguez's Spy Kids, Frederick Forsyth's The Odessa File, and Carrot Top's Chairman of the Board. Just last month Keitel disposed of the body of a 95-year-old former Nazi concentration camp commander by depositing the corpse in the trunk of a 1972 Oldsmobile and crushing the car in an industrial-size scrap-metal compacter in an Argentine junk yard.
edit Early life
edit Family Influence
Keitel was born in Brooklyn, New York on the day in 1939 when World War II broke out. His mother was Shawanda Jones and his father was Harry "Potter" Keitel, a Jewish immigrant from Kentshire, Ukraine. Keitel's parents owned and ran a laundry service and his father moonlighted as a pimp on the side. Keitel's father spent countless hours teaching his son how to clean bloody clothes and broker sex for money between scuzzy men and adolescent girls.
edit Childhood Nazi Problem-Solving
In his first few years growing up in Brooklyn, Keitel attended Zion Preschool and at the age of four, decided to join the Zionist Anti-Nazi Underground Army (a sub-branch of the United States Coast Guard), a decision that took him to Germany while it was still under the control of the Third Reich. He successfully participated in "Operation: Inglourious Basterds" during his time in Europe as a small child. Although the details of Keitel's involvement remain classified, it is widely rumored that he helped dispose of the bodily remains of Adolf Hitler after the Fuhrer was found dead in an underground bunker in Berlin. After his return to the United States, he was a street performer for several years and was thus able to support himself and his family by "acting."
edit Adult Career
edit Stint as a Pimp
By the age of 17, Harvey Keitel had given up street acting and had moved into sex trafficking, following in the footsteps of his father as a pimp in the back alleys of New York. One of his first ho's was a 13-year-old girl named Jodie Foster, whom he eventually seduced for himself. Although Keitel and Foster never married, they remain together as a couple to this day.
edit Military Service in 'Nam
At the age of 23, Harvey Keitel was shot in the arm by a crazed Italian taxi cab driver while trying to collect his cut of the fee charged by one of his prostitutes for servicing the cab driver. Keitel vowed to give up his life as a pimp and instead enrolled in the United States Marine Corps, where he made the rank of Captain and served with distinction in Vietnam, burning villages and native children to ashes with his friend Agent Orange.
edit Discovery by Hollywood
Discharged with Honor from the military in 1981, Keitel returned to the States and drifted into obscurity as a mediocre petty thief. Then, in 1991, Keitel met film director Quentin Tarantino in a pawn shop in Idaho, and Tarantino auditioned Keitel for the role of "Mr. White" in Tarantino's upcoming crime caper, Reservoir Dogs. Keitel won the role and joined the cast and crew for filming immediately. Although Tarantino praised his performance when the movie was released in 1992, Keitel said he would rather solve problems than act. Keitel thus fell into a malaise and wandered the country aimlessly for almost a year.
edit Alter-Ego Nazi-Hunter
Then, in 1993, Keitel wandered into the Rabbi Schlomo Lipschitz Synagogue in Mobile, Alabama. While inside, Keitel rediscovered his Jewish heritage and vowed to track down and kill as many former Nazis in hiding as possible. Since he had gained an extensive rap sheet due to his years of criminal activity, causing his passport to be revoked, Keitel found it necessary to adopt a new identity so he could travel abroad killing ex-Nazis unhindered. By calling in some favors owed to him by certain elements of the criminal underworld, Keitel was able to obtain a Birth Certificate, Driver's License, and Passport proving himself to be Winston "the Wolf" Wolfe, an expert problem-solver (particularly of the kind concerning clandestine disposal of Nazi corpses).
From 1993 until 2003, Keitel roamed South America and Eastern Europe in the guise of Winston Wolfe tracking down former Gestapo and S.S. officers who had served in the Third Reich; upon finding them, he would invariably stab them, stuff them into large, gas-guzzling American cars, and have the cars crushed in junk yards. Finally, after ten years of hard anti-Nazi work, Keitel/Wolfe was honored with the Zionists Anonymous Award for Outstanding Achievement in Nazi-Hunting and Corpse Disposal.
edit Return to Hollywood
In June of 2009, Harvey Keitel dropped the charade of being Winston Wolfe and resumed his true identity in order to return to his street-performer roots. Under the wing of comic genius Carrot Top, Keitel made a Hollywood comeback and starred in the blockbuster feature comedy Chairman of the Board. As a result, Keitel went on to win an Oscar for Best Leading Actor. During the 2010 Academy Awards ceremony, as he walked on stage to accept his award on national television, he was joined by life partner and former ho, Jodie Foster, as well as the ghosts of dozens of dead fascists. Director Martin Scorsese walked up and announced that Keitel had been his inspiration for the classic movie Taxi Driver, and director Robert Rodriguez took the microphone and admitted that his hit film franchise, "Spy Kids," had been loosely based on Keitel's espionage work in Germany as a four-year-old. Keitel then took over and gave a rambling 20-minute acceptance speech in broken Yiddish; upon finishing, he ran to the roof of the building and boarded a waiting helicopter for an 18-hour flight to Buenos Aires, Argentina.
edit Personal life
Harvey Keitel has remained in a long-term relationship with former prostitute Jodie Foster since the early 1970's. They never had children together. Nonetheless, Keitel is the father of 23 children by 11 different women on five continents. He speaks to none of the women and limits his communication with his children to American Sign-Language. Keitel is close friends with actor Gary Oldman and is rumored to give weekly sponge baths to Oldman's son, Lil' Himmler. Keitel enjoys puzzles and is a master of solving blood-covered Rubik's cubes in under thirty seconds.