Harvard University
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| The subject of this article is well-endowed. Therefore, they are better than you. Keep that in mind as you read this article. |
“Did you mean: Varhard?”
~ Google on Harvard
“Did you mean: Varhard?”
~ Yale on Harvard
| Harvard University | |
| |
| Motto | Selfius-Promitio-Vita (Shameless Self Promotion is Life) |
| Established | September 9, 1636 B.C. |
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| School type | Private |
| President | The Brain |
| Location | Cambridge, Mass., U.S. |
| Campus | Urban, 380 acres/154 hectares |
| Enrollment | {{{enrolled}}}, {{{graduates}}} |
| Endowment | U.S. $-47986218562155613.2 gazillion[1][2] |
| Faculty | 2,300 (Tenured: 5) |
| Mascot | Yuri the Itchy Viking |
Hahvahd Community University, also known as Harvaard, also known as Hahvaaahd (formally The Most Regal and Magnificent Diploma Mill of Harvard), is a private university in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Harvard is a magical leather filled location where professors inappropriately reach for your crotch. Harvard is mostly famous for one thing - the "Harvard Four Minute Rule." The "Harvard Four Minute Rule" refers to the fact that it takes, on average, four minutes, from the point of having been introduced to somebody (who happens to have graduated from Harvard) for that person to casually mention that he/she graduated from Harvard.
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[edit] Student Life
Harvard University is the natural habitat of an endangered species known as ugly moronic people (Beastialus crimson), a species that many researchers had thought to be extinct before they looked in Cambridge, MA. In fact, many people had previously believed it was impossible for individuals to be both unattractive and unintelligent, as posited by the second law of college: the hotter the dumber and its converse, the drunker the hotter.
Since like attracts like, Harvard students also report high amounts of sweaty ugly-bumping with other shameless people. An inability to comprehend their own miserable fate is why Harvard students do not regularly commit suicide like their neighbors at MIT.
[edit] Institution
It is a well documented fact that Harvard graduates enjoy talking about Harvard. They like talking about it a lot (and we mean a lot). Typically, this is in the form of Harvard "promotion." Moreover, they will find clever ways to work Harvard into ordinary conversations. It is not uncommon for the following conversations to be overheard anywhere in the country:
| "Looks like a cold spell is coming through."
"Sure enough, reminds me of some cold days. Cold, cold days. Cold days spent at Harvard. Cambridge sure gets cold. I told you I graduated from Harvard, no?" |
| "Sir, would you like paper or plastic?"
"Hmmm...that's a tough one, I do have milk, and the condensation on the outside of the container might eat through the paper, but on the other hand, plastic is not bio-degradable...quite a conundrum here." "Sir, we have a long line, please choose paper or plastic." "Decisions, decisions...brings me back to another time, back at Harvard, when I had to make decisions. Yes, you heard me right, Harvard class of '65, the "grand old class" they called us. I was in the finals club, and there it stood before me, bouillabaisse or no bouillabaisse...perhaps the greatest challenge I had faced up to that point..." |
| "Mr.Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsy-roll pop?"
"Many factors can influence the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsy-roll pop. For a Harvard graduate, such as myself, it would only require one lick. It would take much more for you because the pH in your saliva just isn't as good as ours." |
| "Motherf**ker, you swiped my car...I'm going to waste your punk-ass!"
"Swiped indeed...reminds me of the time when I and my fellow Lowell house pranksters swiped the bust of Cornelius Vanderwall from the provosts office at Harvard. We had quite a chuckle that day...Ahh, its so good interacting with 'salt-of-the-earth' folk like yourself...I so rarely do it...shall we talk more over a snifter?" |
| "Thank you for coming to our wedding. It means so much for us to have people who are so important to us joining us on our special day. We feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family...people like you, who are able to share in our joy today."
"I went to Harvard." |
[edit] Promotion of Harvard
In another sly act of subtle, but shameless promotion, Harvard grads will often bring up Harvard's enormous endowment. Often, this will take the form of feigned dismay at the riches of their alma-mater. As stupid as it sounds, they will promote themselves by referring to an endowment collected at the expense of idiots like them, willing to make a bunch of snobs rich in exchange for being admitted to that self-cock-sucking club.
(** = The sly self-promoting language is starred for easy identification)
"Can you believe it?", a Harvard grad will casually ask, "Harvard has over $30 billion dollars**, and they're still asking me for a gift. $30 billion**! That's twice** as much as the next best university**, and probably ten times more than where you went to school. How can a school as rich** and powerful** as Harvard ask me for more money? And me, of all people, I'm just a doctor**. There are all of these famous** business leaders**, political leaders**, lawyers***, and other leading lights who could contribute much more than I.*"
[edit] Other Self Promoting Mechanisms
There are many other common mechanisms through which Harvard graduates will inject Harvard promoting idioms (or idiocy) into conversation. These are not documented anywhere.
[edit] History
Harvard University remained a small and obscure liberal arts school until 2001, when the movie "Legally Blonde" propelled it onto the national spotlight. It has gained fame by having more bad movies made about it than any other academic institution in the United States.
Harvard claims to be the oldest University in America, despite the fact that the University of San Marcos was founded more than 100 years earlier in Peru. But facts are stubborn things that do not apply to the Intellectual Master Race. In order to settle the controversy, Harvard has changed its definition of human being accordingly. Universities founded by Monkeys don't count.
Historians roundly agree that Harvard has always existed. Harvard professor of history, G. Grimley Kingfisher, PhD., MD, J.D., MBA, Harvard '57,'66, '68, '72, notes, "According to our archives, which incidentally, are the largest in the world, God was a Harvard graduate, class of '0. In fact, as far as we can tell, the universe was simply a prank that the unruly undergraduate dreamed up to stick it to his fellow house-mates. Oh, and by the way, did I ever tell you that I went to Harvard?"
[edit] Harvard Supremacists
Harvard is the Alma Mater of the Intellectual Master Race, those Superior individuals who may know nothing and do less in their afterlife (though a few doubt there is intelligent life after having attended Harvard), but who the fuck cares ... they are the Intellectual Master Race! They do not need to proof anything, or achieve anything, they have a Harvard degree you sub-human scum!!
[edit] Interesting Facts
A recent survey showed that 90% of the homeless people in Cambridge were actually Harvard philosophy majors. Apparently they questioned the structure of modern society so much that they had to leave it.
Did you know: That rich people at Harvard have affirmative action too? It's called "legacy preferences." It means that the children of rich Harvard alumni will get into Harvard even though they wouldn't be able to get into Harvard on their own.
[edit] References
[edit] See also
 | The Ivy League |
| Brown | Cambodian Banana University | Columbia | Cornell | Electoral College | FU | Harvard | Leicester | Penn | Princeton | St Andrews | Yale |
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