Haruhiism
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- This article refers to the religion based on the Japanese reality television series, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. But I'm sure you knew that, right ?
“That's boring.”
~ Haruhi on Armageddon
Haruhiism is a religion based around a high school student living in Japan named Haruhi Suzumiya. Even though there is some disagreement between whether Haruhi is the one god or not , there is not one bit of doubt among all sects of Haruhiism that Haruhi becoming bored is a very bad idea.
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[edit] The Sects of Haruhiism
There are many different views on the divinity of Haruhi, or how to properly worship her. There are the Orthodox Haruhiists, the Zen Haruhiists, Messianic Haruhiists, Coptic Haruhiist, Eve Haruhiists and the Beveraginist Haruhiists who do their own thing.
[edit] Zen Haruhiists
The Zen Haruhiists believe that Haruhi is merely an incarnation of God, or a lesser god that is inhabiting the Earth. Some believe that Haruhi is actually the Shinto god of Yuri. The sect was created after the Council of McDonald's' Corporate Minions' Fun-and-Safe Happy Land of 1048 BC where they were trying to bust the myth that Haruhi was a virgin and in fact did it with Kyon and maybe Mikuru. The Nike Revolution of 2006 followed afterwards somehow screwing up the matter with various plot holes thus making the Zen Haruhiists we know and love today. They don't follow the same belief system and hierarchy as the Orthodox Haruhiists. Instead they follow an elder system, which despite the name doesn't involve old and/or wise people at all. Whoever they believe to be an alien, time traveler, or esper will fill the position.
[edit] Messianic Haruhiists
The Messianic Haruhiists believe that Haruhi is the daughter of God, making her the younger sister of God's only son, Chuck Norris. The sect was started when Chuck Norris came in a vision , 1048 BC, to tell you to fire your tank onto your head for some odd reason and to start a new sect where Chuck Norris is the older brother of Haruhi. Historians believe this moment was caused because you were high off of vitriolic acid when the vision appeared. That moment prompted the Reformation of 1048 BC within the Church of England.
[edit] Coptic Haruhiists
The Coptic Haruhiists believe that Haruhi is merely Jesus using a Sexy no Jutsu. This also means Mikuru Asahina is Doctor Who using a Sexy no Jutsu. Like Coptic Christianity, they believe that Jesus was created by God. The sect broke away from Messianic Haruhiists after a dispute on wheather or not to crinkle Shakespeare's head . They chose not to do so. After an even larger gap in the plot, they somehow came to the conclusion that Haruhi is actually Jesus using a Sexy no Jutsu.
[edit] Eve Haruhiists
Are a branch claiming to have been Overloading forums since 2007 since their creation. It was declared by the resident Lord of the Desu to be the result of "one man claiming Desu to be the worst thing on the internet, and the guy he said it to just had to prove him wrong". Since they united into a single faction in 2007 as residents of the Out of Pod forums on Eve Online they dedicated themselves to recommending Nagato for tech support, correcting the topic of threads from their intended subject to basking in the power of Haruhi and worshipping her in general. Since 2008 they have been supporting Linkification as a means to combat the Dark Lord Dietrich from strolling around and conquering threads before Haruhiists have a chance to properly annex a thread. This branch of Haruhiists are undecided whether Kyon or Haruhi herself is god, and have plans to make Haruhi read The God Delusion and then run away to a safe distance.
[edit] Beveraginist Haruhiists
The Beveraginist Haruhiists are a branch that flows from the only god Haruhi and The Beverage. The Beverage is not a god, its a sight of realism without one who has past thy liquid down thy throat. Not only is the Beverage everywhere but it is also in everything, the only thing he is not in is Haruhi who back in 4th grade rejected The Beverage because Haruhi decided that total power and DOMINATION was more important than keeping a moist mouth. Haruhi and The Beverage have been known to travel through the millenniums meeting up with Jesus in the battle of KKK and collecting Chuck Norris in the battle of Down Demonstration (of course Chuck Norris arived just before the battle ended.. 0.001 seconds after to be exact). After meeting up with these two they eventually met up with Stephen Hawking and Hitler, causing the largest planet in the entire universe (Pluto) to explode into a tiny moon over the sheer awesomeness of this new league now known as "Thirsty?". Shortly after a book was found by a meer mortal that goes by the name of Steves Dixie Normus in 19/2/1994. The book read of many scriptures one being that Beveraginians and Haruhiists were soul brothers who had been separated since the beginning of of time itself. Now don't be fooled Beveraginist Haruhiists do not worship any god yet follow the Haruhistic Commandments and shall always have a moist tongue and quenched blood. Beveraginist Haruhiists are protected to an extent unimaginable to all but enforced by Chuck Norris.
[edit] otakon Haruiists
The Haruiists who got converted by the animation show "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" which contained subliminal messages placed by Haruhi herself. This branch of haruhiism beliefs haruhi is the highest being having no parents nor siblings (Chuck Norris), and also seems to be against mating as they never seems to have a mate. Not often seen outside their temple's and when seen outside they often dress like the goddess which they revere to as cosplay or have a shirt with her on it. they often have small plastic statue's of her hidden among the mess of their temple and almost as often have nude/erotic pictures of the goddess and her most loyal servants (not including the prophets Kyon and Itsuki). one of their favorite sentences seems to be: "HAHA, OUR God is hotter then your God!".
[edit] "Zionist" Haruhiists
This sect dosen't focus all their theological devotion to Haruhi. Their doctrine states that Kyon is the incarnation of the Messiah, destined to sacrifice himself (by following all of Haruhi's demands) to save mankind. In the beginning was Haruhi, but Haruhi threateaned to destroy earth because no one loves her. Prophecy stated that a man will come to give Haruhi the affection she deserves, and the sign of his coming will be a teenaged whiner riding a red Japanese bicycle. He will sacrifice himself by kissing God in her sweet lips (which was never considered blasphemous) and by following her demands, doing menial tasks for her, and acting as her right hand man. In the end, God will still destroy the earth because he failed to recognize that God is in love with him and took him to her new world.
[edit] Haruhistic Commandments
These commandments are found in the holy texts written by the hollowed prophet of Haruhi, Nagaru Tanigawa.
- Thou shalt entertain your god.
- Thou shalt not be bored.
- Thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath (the day they get new episodes).
- Thou shalt enjoy costume-raping.
- Thou shalt be a loli.
- Thou shalt love big boobies.
- Thou shalt have no other God other than her.
- Thou shalt not worship Chuck Norris
- Thou shalt obey Haruhi and all she demands.
- Thou shalt be Haruhi's slave.
- Thou shalt not tell the goddess she is god.
[edit] The 5 Pillars of Haruhiism
Like most New Age religions, Haruhiism takes basic beliefs and rules of various main stream religions and screw them up so it could fit their's.
[edit] Declaration of Faith
Constantly declaring the phrase "There is no god but Haruhi and Nagaru Tanigawa is Her prophet." They must repeat the phrase constantly to anyone within an earshot in order to somehow convert those people into the religion. It is a great way of pushing your religion on an infidel.
[edit] Dancing and Prayer
Believers of this religion do this dance at least 5 times a day as a prayer to Haruhi. Both the ending credits version and the full dance version were declared OK by the Vatican. It should be noted that the character, or characters, the dancer chooses to portray say much about that person's individual faith. Pronouncing the name of the Dance is taboo for Haruhiists, but it is called "Hare Hare Yukai" for your utmost convenience.
The full dance version of their ritual.
[edit] Almsgiving
The giving of Haruhi Suzumiya- related objects to those who are to poor to afford them. For example, uploading pirated videos of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya on YouTube.
[edit] Fasting
Fasting on days of new episodes and not watching any other anime. Which is very hard for all Haruhiists, and some may even die from it. In 500 A.D few remains of dead Haruhiists were found not watching anime and new episodes.
[edit] Pilgrimage
Going to the closest anime, scifi, etc. convention and cosplay as a character from the series or going to North High School in Japan and visit the SOS Brigade meeting room which is the holiest site in the religion. If a Haruhiest goes in cosplay, they will most likely be raped. And they most likely will enjoy it
[edit] Caste System
Stolen from Hinduism, these are the three caste systems of Haruhiism, which make sense because Haruhiism is one of the three great monotheistic religions and they don't believe in one God, but what the hell this is Uncyclopedia, it doesn't have to make sense. Anyway, the hindus were unfortunate enough to get this belief stolen from them and screwed up.
[edit] Brahmans
These are the Aliens, Espers and Time travellers. They are united with Haruhi. This group makes up the smallest percentage of the Haruhiists- less then 2%. All of which have supernatural powers that pleases Haruhi in various strangely sexy ways. All of the SOS Brigade is in the group with the exception of Kyon.
[edit] Kshatriyas
These are the people who courted Haruhi and were busted because they were not Aliens, Espers, or Time Travelers. They make up about 3% of the group. All of which are not virgins and are hot for inorder to court with Haruhi for you must be damn sexy for her to court with you. Kyon apparently is in the group. Please note there are both males and females in the group since Haruhi swings both ways as proclaimed in the Sacred Book of the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. May I ask why Kyon, who didn't court Haruhi in the first place, nor was any Alien, Time Traveler, or Esper, made her fall in love with him?
[edit] Vaishads
These are the ordinary humans. They make up about 10% of the group. Unlike the untouchables, they are not virgins. Usually they lose their virginity at some anime convention with other otakus. Most of the female haruhiists (either hot or moderately attractive) are in this group but there are some male ones who are moderately attractive in there too.
[edit] Untouchables
As the name implies, these are the humans who are virgins. They make the highest percentage of the group -more than 85%. Most of which are males who are too scared to ask girl out. The most famous and well-known leader of this group is the Computer Research Society President.
[edit] Haruhistic Beatitudes
Like the 5 Pillars of Haruhiism above, the Haruhiists stole another set of basic rules from another religion. This time the Christians were unfortunate enough to get their Beatitudes stolen straight out of the Bible (King James Version) and screwed up until unrecognition in order to fit the Haruhiistic religion.
- Blessed are they who are bored, for their boredom would be relieved.
- Blessed are they who wear miniskirts, yeah... you know you like it.
- Blessed are they who believe in Haruhi, for they are awesome.
- Blessed are they who costume rape, for they will enjoy it.
- Blessed are they who were costume raped, for they will someday enjoy it.
- Blessed are they who are melancholic, for they shall create future chapters of the brigade.
- Blessed are they who willingly embarrass themselves by dressing up as a character from the show and run around in public in their costume, for they shall inherit the earth, and be occasionally raped but shall endure.
[edit] Eschatology
As the title implies, Haruhiism has its own Eschatology.
[edit] The Autism of Haruhi Suzumiya
Now Haruhiists are not worried about Haruhi being bored, they're worried about the exact opposite. She is turning her fantasies into realities. For example, she turns the Andromeda Galaxy into the world's largest galaxy.
[edit] The Revelation of Haruhi Suzumiya
This is the point where Haruhi knows that she is a goddess and now she became the cakravartin.
[edit] The Nirvana of Haruhi Suzumiya
During the summer of 2005, Haruhi contacted Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl so they could take a shot at reviving the golden days of grunge by forming The Nirvana Of Haruhi Suzumiya, with Haruhi herself handling both guitar and vocal duties, thus filling in for deceased ex-frontman Kurt Cobain. They had two live performances in a local Seattle pub (which will remain anonymous), both of which were met with harsh reviews and utter failure. Infuriated, Haruhi went on indefinite hiatus, and in the meantime, was replaced by fellow lead singer Lain Iwakura. Three concerts in, and Haruhi still hasn't returned (with her whereabouts unknown), so the band decided to keep Lain on vocals for the remainder of the recording process. Unfortunately, Lain developed a serious crystal meth dependency, and a strange interest in working with Alice In Chains, believing herself to be the reincarnation of the late Layne Staley, a misconception that is believed to have stemmed from a conversation she had with drummer Dave Grohl in which he pointed out the similarity between her and staley's first names, (it should be noted that both were pretty damn stoned). The band was on the verge of breaking up until Haruhi triumphantly returned (from the rehabilitation facility) to lead the fellows back on stage. But the same events occurred all over again, in the same order, about seven times. Eighth time around, the band decided to call it quits, right after finishing up the works on their one and only album "Endless Eight".
Even though the album was a hit (in Seattle), none of the bandmembers show any interest in reuniting, with Haruhi stating that "this band should've never existed in the first place".
[edit] Opinions on Haruhiism
Haruhiism has been the subject of some controversy. Many followers of older religions consider Haruhiism little more than a New Age cult. Additionally, Kyonism has formed as a rival religion to Haruhiism that is based on a different interpretation of the same texts. The media often portrays Haruhiism as Japanese Pop-Idol group.Many mathematicians worldwide believe that Haruhiism can be expressed as the cube of two squares.
