Harry Potter (books)
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- This article is about the books. For other uses, see Harry Potter (disambiguation)
Harry Potter is a series of seven fantasy novels by British author J.K. Rowling. The series relates the adventures of a boy wizard who cheated death, and his two best friends as they attend a school of witchcraft and wizardry, learn a whole range of magical skills, and fight the dark forces of man-eating spiders, three-headed dogs, animate trees, noseless snake-like wizards, and Alan Rickman.
The series is known for its exceptionally genuine characters and themes that made first-time readers hail it as the greatest set of words to ever be collectively penned. Some of its groundbreaking concepts include a tall white-bearded wizard who serves as a mentor to the heroes, midget-like creatures, and calling the main antagonist "The Dark Lord". Filled with no plot holes and scenes that always point out that love triumphs above all (that includes three deadly curses, a huge evil-wizard army and the most powerful wizard that ever lived), it is one of the most successful book series of the 21st century.
edit Harry Potter and the Philanthropist's Stock Options
Harry, a small and especially irritating bespectacled child — who, in the Golden Age, would be down the tin mines earning his keep (bloody kids these days) — lives with his benevolent Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, and their slim, kind-hearted son Dudley who is always polite and gets good grades. Harry learns that his aunt and uncle are in fact the heads of a Masonic splinter lodge. To keep their secret well-hidden, Vernon and Petunia bundle Harry off to boarding school where he is visited in the night by a large bearded dwarf telling him that he's "special".
Harry is taken to an ancient bank deep in the heart of London, where he learns that his long-dead parents, killed in a tragic fly-by shooting under the orders of Lord Voldemort (named after the sound produced by trying to yawn with a mouth full of marshmallows), left him stocks and shares worth five times the amount of all the money in Paragon City. Not only that but he has magic powers and, being a small child who desires wanton destruction above all else, is a danger to humanity.
One feeble explanation about "mitochondria" later and he's off to the Hogwarts to master in witchcraft and wizardry (and also Quidditch). He is placed in a secret friendship club known as Gryffindor by a mystical piece of headgear known as the Selection Sombrero. On the way, he meets awkward weasel-faced Ron Weasley and know-it-all bookworm Hermione Granger, who, like him, have special powers and thus require secure detention. After indoctrination at the top-secret Academy they proceed to break all the rules, vandalise ancient works of art and murder their Self Defence teacher (as well as several other minor characters) under the excuse that they were "saving the world."
The American publication of the book was retitled Hairy Pothead: The Sorcerer's Stoned! in order to help less intelligible American audiences better understand the book, though it only served to confuse them further. In addition to minor (and pointless) spelling changes, this version also features a humorous subplot involving Hermione's physics degree. The ripoff proved so intriguing that it, and not the original, was adapted for DVD. Rowling was so infuriated over the obvious copyright infringement that she purchased every copy of the direct-to-video creation, using them as Christmas gifts for her less overtly enthusiastic fans.
edit Harry Potter and the Chamber of Music
Harry goes back to Hogwarts, which is stupid, considering that he could have stayed at his mean Dursleys instead of battling Voldemort and all those old weirdos. While there, [Generic Evil Spell #28193] starts terrorising the students; once every month, on the full moon, one student turns into a classical musician — usually a violinist. At the end of the year, Harry opens this door in the girls' bathroom (for reasons best not disclosed) and discovers a chamber (not that kind!).
Inside the chamber, Harry discovers a younger Voldemort calling himself Tom Riddle. He defeats him easily; however, behind him are four violinists, one pianist, one cellist, one bassist, and one cymbalist: a recipe for pure pain. Harry hates classical music so much that he sits with his ears covered for five minutes of page-turning pain. Summoning his courage, he does his bravest deed yet: uncover his ears and yell, "Could you keep it down?!" After informing the violinists (Penelope Clearwater, Hermione, Seamus Finnigan, and Nearly Headless Nick), pianist (Filch's cat), cellist (Dean Thomas), bassist (Colin Creevey), and cymbalist (Neville Longbottom), they are freed.
edit Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
When Harry senses a thousand voices "crying out, and suddenly silenced", he goes to investigate. It turns out that the notorious murderer Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban prison and has decided to use his magical powers of mass hypnosis to try to break the world "simultaneous interrupted scream by a crowd of people" record. Determined to thwart this evil genius, Harry returns to school, only to end up finding that Sirius was the good guy all along.
- Expand this section, add more plot.
Different regional printings include variations that suited the local nationality including title and content changes. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Uzbekistan", Harry is arrested for speaking against Islam Karimov and is boiled alive until he confesses to being an Islamic radical (but ultimately, he is served as soup for Karimov's dinner) . In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Afghanistan", Harry is locked inside a metal shipping crate in the sun and left for dead. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Turkmenistan", Harry accidentally offends Turkmenbashi due to the wording of a spell and is imprisoned for blasphemy. Other copies include "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo Bay" also known as "Harry Potter and the Iraq Incident" in which Voldemort sells Harry to the marines as a Taliban combatant; "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib" where Harry is stripped naked and forced to cast spells on his privates; "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of North Vietnam" where Harry's Nimbus 2000 is blown out of the sky by a SA-2 attached to a Bludger; and "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Finland" in which Harry can't tell that he's in prison except for the constant reminders that if he ran away, the government would be "very hurt".
edit Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
The books starts with Harry dreaming about a quaint old British man who gets killed by Voldemort. The Weasleys then rudely barrage into Harry's house and take him and Hermione to the Quidditch World Cup, where a majority of British people cheer on the Irish to victory. Unfortunately, the
Ku Klux Klan Death Eaters attack and burn down the tent city where the Quidditch Cup is being hosted, and it's off to Hogwarts we go.
This year, Hogwarts is hosting the Triwizard Tournament, where three students from three schools fight in three different events. At Halloween, the students submit their names in the Goblet of Fire; the three picks are Cedric Diggory, the popular guy from Hogwarts; Fleur, the French girl; and Viktor Krum, the Soviet boy who represents the working class's discontent with the current dichotomy. That last sentence contains more words than those three speak in the entire book. However, it additionally gives a fourth name—Harry Potter—leading to Dumbledore
yelling at Harry and pushing him into a table asking Harry calmly if he put his name in the Goblet of Fire, and legally binding Harry to compete in the hellish tournament.
In the tournament, the students fight dragons, mermaids, and finally hedge rows in order to win the cup, all the while Harry is being helped by his obviously evil cohort, Mad-Eye Moody. Harry and Cedric touch the cup at the same time and are transported to a graveyard where Cedric dies and Voldemort is resurrected. Harry scrambles away with the help of his long-dead parents and also finds out that Moody is some evil Death Eater and not the pedophile that he thought he was. Dumbledore saves the day and everything goes back to normal with the school year ending. Oh, and Malfoy becomes a ferret and goes into some guys pants.
edit Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
With the death of Cedric Diggory and the return of Voldemort leaving everyone rather glum, Harry is brought into the world of war when he meets the Order of the Phoenix, a sort-of wizard Justice League comprising previously known characters like Gary Oldman, Gay Werewolf, and Googly-Eyed Old Man and new ones like Luna Lovegood (a spacey Hot Topic chick) and Kingsley Shacklebolt (black guy, known for his Kwanzaa hat and deep voice). Oh, Harry's also put on trial in wizard court for performing magic off school grounds, but he's not found guilty, so it's really just a big waste of time.
Things move on from there as the Ministry of Magic (wizard government, led by the ineffectual milksop of wizard Tony Blair) appoints a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher to Hogwarts, Dolores Umbridge. She quickly turns the school into a police state, replete with a student KGB and banning of all extracurricular activities, and as a result forces Harry and his nerd friends to find a new way to effectively defend against the Dark Arts. Thus, Harry forms a secret club wherein he and other nerds — wait for it — LEARN; training sequences ensue as the nerds train. Meanwhile, Harry develops yellow fever as he falls for Cho Chang, a fellow student and the only Asian in the Harry Potter universe. She later rejects Harry, instilling in children everywhere an important message: Asians cannot be trusted.
The book climaxes with Indiana Jones-esque scenes of a completely incoherent battle in some government office to find some prophecy/MacGuffins. A few battle scenes later and Sirius Black, aka Gary Oldman, is dead after he falls through a shower curtain that's apparently the most secret thing in the wizarding world. Emo Harry, blah blah blah, Dumbledore expresses regret, blah blah blah, the end.
edit Harry Potter and the Professor Formerly Known as the Half-Blood Prince
It's Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts, and Voldemort is definitely back with a vengeance, which is annoying as by now Harry should be thinking about girls and smoking behind the bike shed. Instead, Harry finds his world of magic is yet again changing for the worse and Offstead are starting to breathe down the necks of senior management. Wizards and witches and Muggles are dying despite the efforts of the Ministry of Magic and the Order of the Phoenix to stop them. Double maths on a Friday is disrupted now the war has started up again, leaving the students struggling with trig and basic equations.
In spite of all the danger, Harry, Ron, and Hermione return to Hogwarts, resigned to the fact they will probably never be accountants now and have to face a career of sitting in a tepee on the outskirts of a small village curing warts instead. They find yet another Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher; Professor Snape, who they admit, always seemed a bit wobbly when it came to deciding whether he should be good or evil or whatever. They begin their N.E.W.T. classes in preparation for life after Hogwarts, and Harry gets some much needed Potions help from the mysterious Half-Blood Prince. The term sees the re-introduction of the Slug Club, for nerds that prefer racing slugs to hanging around in town, begging for a local to buy them a half-bottle of vodka. Their term sees the appointment of a new Potions teacher, Horace Slughorn.
In the meantime, Harry questions his own feelings for Ginny Weasley, Ron's younger sister, while trying to understand the effect it is having on his friends, which he will instantly grow out of once he finally gets his hands on her tits. Yet while life at Hogwarts continues, the deaths also continue, with someone trying to bring murder weapons into Hogwarts, despite the plethora of lethal spells and mortally powerful magic wands, in the hands of out of control children. Danger seems to lurk around every corner, and Harry is as determined as ever to unmask it. Albus Dumbledore takes Harry under his guidance and together they explore Lord Voldemort's past, a job that should have been done by the Department of Education before employment, to find a way to stop him before it is too late.
edit Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
When we last left the wizarding world, Voldemort had returned from wherever the gell he was and started wreaking havoc across the land. Dumbledore got killed by Snape, Malfoy cried like a bitch all throughout the 700 pages, and Harry finally started macking on Ginny (as if embarrassing his poor friend with all his money wasn't enough). At this point the war's pretty much broken out into World War II Part Deux, if Hitler somehow returned from the dead (or South America) and started bringing the Third Reich back through some sort of magic.
We get past the Dursleys, exposition, exposition, angst, etc. etc. Wedding! Yes, a wedding between Ron's brother and Fleur (the French chick from Book 4). Then the Death Eaters show up and it all goes to shit. Also, Voldemort and his gang of skinheads kill the Minister of Magic, effectively taking over the government. Harry, Ron, and Hermione escape and start looking for Horcruxes, objects that contain parts of Voldemort's soul. If you destroy all of the Horcruxes, Voldemort dies for good, apparently.
Death! Destruction! Colin Creevy, Dobby, Fred Weasley, Hedwig, Lupin, Mad-Eye Moody, Nancy Benoit, Snape, Tonks, Wormtail, and some other people die, some stuff with the aforementioned Deathly Hallows happens, and Hogwarts gets turned into Auschwitz. Harry finds out he's one of the Horwhatzitz, and therefore allows Voldemort to kill him. In the afterlife, Harry meets the spirits of Sirius Oldman, Gay Werewolf, his parents, and Dumbledore, the last of which informs Harry what he must do to defeat Voldemort. Harry is also given the choice to stay dead or return to life; as expected, he gone and resurrected himself.
Thus begins the final battle. In the last book Draco disarmed Dumbledore, and since Dumbledore was the master of the Elder Wand, Draco became the owner of it. And Harry disarmed Draco at some point in this book, meaning, uh... Harry controls the Elder Wand? Yeah, apparently you own someone's wand if you disarm them. As a result of this plot twist, Voldemort dies, all is well, Rebel Alliance brings down the Imperials, Death Star blown up, etc.
In the epilogue, Hogwarts is purified and converted to a megachurch under the pastorship of Rev. Rod Parsley; the hippogriffs are captive-bred for poultry; Hedwig creates a political stir over logging in the Pacific Northwest; Harry's money is seized by the Inland Revue for payment of back taxes; Kreacher is relocated to a Malaysian sweatshop; and everyone pairs up, fucks a lot, and has kids. Harry and Ginny have three kids: James, Albus Severus, and Lily; guess Ginny had no say in what to name her own children ("Harry, maybe we could name him Fre—" "NO"). Ron and Hermione also shacked up and made some poverty-stricken children. Even Draco found a woman/beard to have his child! In the end, we see the children being sent off to Hogwarts, where Harry tells Albus Severus he's named after brave men (Snape being "the bravest"; how is he brave for being all Gerard Way about Lily Potter?), and they all live happily ever after.
- Harry Potter and the Deadly Bellows: Queen Victoria returns to head Hogwarts, and all ragamuffin orphans like Harry are put in their place, working in a workhouse with lax safety standards, making bespoke monocles for gentlefolk.
- Harry Potter and Dudley's Tallow: Desperate for replacement suet for a candle-enchanting spell required to graduate from Hogwarts, Harry finds an unexpected source in his oft-annoying cousin.
edit Contributions to the Occult
Only a month after the first book hit the shelves, Satanic spies that were planted in the Christian churches of America took notice of how popular the books were. Wanting to take advantage of the opportunity, they came to meet at a Burger King in Little Rock, Arkansas, to discuss how to take advantage of the newest craze. This meetting would later be known as "Satan's Rally of '97".
The members of Satan's rally bounced ideas off each other, trying to figure out how to use the otherwise harmless fantasy story about a boy coming of age to promote their goals of indoctrinating the youngest of their congregation into the occult. Reverend Jim Carrey, halfway through the night, finally brought up the idea of using Reverse Psychology. They would make it seem that Rowling was meaning to indroctrinate the children into the Church of Satan, and they would meanwhile demonize her.
Since kids are little idiots and will indulge in whatever they are not allowed to have, this plan worked wonders for the Satanic community. Children across the country were buying the books behind the backs of their parents. Since the church-seeded spies insisted that reading the books would turn the people who read them into witches, the children were not far behind in following those orders.
Although Rowling was upset at the slander at first, she soon found out that her books were more popular than ever before. Her morals were soon drowned out by the large pile of money that she sleeps on to this very day.
edit See also
|Characters||Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort|
|Books||List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time|
|Misc.||Ripoffs · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)|