Harry Potter (films)
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|Directed by||David Yates|
|Written by||Jack Michealson|
|Starring|| Michael Gambon,|
Kidnapped Korean orphans
|Produced by||Artificial insemination|
|Distributed by||Warner Brothers|
|Runtime||Eight mins before you get bored and turn it off|
|Language|| English |
Harry Potter, the self proclaimed Chosen Dork of Narnia, is a commercially precious film franchise based on the Twilight-inspiring book series of the same name. It consists of
seven eight movies that each run two and a half hours longer then they should. Since Harry's introduction to the world, geeks everywhere have once again given themselves reason to think they are cool now that a nerd on the big screen is showing, explaining, and reenacting how to increase your Dungeons and Dragons XP level. Speculation arises as to why it takes eight of these four hour movies to achieve this goal, but the children and suicidal grown adults who read the books the films are based upon defend this accusation by sticking their tongues out and making fart noises with their mouths. Older people, film critics and in most cases, the non-readers with better things to do with their time, all agree that the movies are terrible, perhaps to the point where they prove that literature is indeed the root of all our modern problems.
Mark Twain was once quoted as saying "When you are an author in this world and you write the biggest load of shit of all time, you get the book not only published, but Hollywood comes a-knocking on your door to beg for the rights to make a movie based on it." Not always is the case of the adaption from paperback to film script kept true to its original story. As in this case, the book versions of Harry Potter were written by British mass-murderer JK Rowling as an unofficial sequel to "A Fish Called Wanda" but were rejected by Hollywood on the principle that "Scene of a Woman" has already been filmed. So the books were rewritten until the story no longer featured its original graphic violence, coarse language and constant racial undertones. It now involved a kid actually named Harry Potter who suffered from child abuse for most of his early life before being shipped of to a supposedly magic boarding school. The new story attempted to connect with as many people as possible: abused children, heart attack victims, wizards, people with growth disabilities and so on. Of course, as with any best selling novel, once the Hollywood executives got their grubby little hands on it, everything was changed even further - entire scenes were removed to cut costs, sensual scenes from the original book were added even though they now made no sense - until the only similarities between the book and the finished film script were the fact that the main character believes he is a wizard.
Harry Potter and...
...the Philosopher's Stoned
The first film went into production in 1998 under the working title "Hollywood's next piece of shit to be rammed down everyone's necks". First to be cast in the movie was the character of Harry. Originally this delusional five-year-old boy was to be played by Haley Joel Osment. Unfortunately Haley drowned in the bitter tears left by a pissed off Adam West, still bitter over not being chosen to reprise his role of Batman in the 1989 Tim Burton adaption, which ultimately quadrupled in mass after West's first look at "Batman and Robin". With Haley now on life support systems, the studio had to seek out an alternate little dip-shit to take the role of Harry. It was soon announced that a kid named Daniel Radcliffe would play the role of Harry. Radcliffe's mother agreed to let her son play the role for the rest of his life, provided he was in bed before nine and that he had his four breast milk feedings-a-day, a contract requirement that his mother still demands.
The rest of the cast was filled out by unknowns, who remain just as popular today except for Robbie Coltrane, who's career was so far down the toilet by the end of the franchise he could suck out what was left behind by Radcliffe. The film was soon released under the newly written, slightly more child-friendly story that Harry was not a drug addict, but instead a geek with a magic wand chanting, "I'm the chosen one, I'm the chosen one" while director David Yikes grinned at Harry's "Got Milk" smile on set and told him to grip the wand harder. Upon its release, Philosopher's Stones somehow managed to be seen by close to every child in the world, imprinting onto their small minds that being a dweeb with glasses is cool as long as you are either a fan of the Harry Potter films, a fan of the Harry Potter books or preforming fellatio and not telling anyone about it.
The plot of Philosopher's Stoned was to make everyone believe a bunch of mythical characters went all out to help Harry earn his first three points in his XP upgrade, bringing him one step closer towards his goal of being chosen to play Dexter in the 2020 film adaption of Dexter's Laboratory.
...the Chamber of Semen
Just like any other over-budgeted piece of garbage Hollywood wishes to ram down the world's neck, there is a guaranteed sequel. This time around producer David Yikes was impressed at how well Radcliffe's swallowing techniques had become, so he decided lock him and the rest of the cast in the studio so they could take part in the filming of Chamber of Semen. Radcliffe was now out of diapers, so Yikes decided now was a good time to maybe explore new territories with Radcliffe, and show him a few new tricks of the trade that would keep him working in Hollywood for the rest of his life as long as he just remembered to be a good boy, keep his mouth shut, and take what was coming to him.
David made the decision to make the exact same movie as the last one, pretty much due to the fact that he was more interested in Radcliffe then making another stupid movie about a dweeb being awarded a round of applause for standing in front of a green screen while special effects artists gave him a moderate aura of coolness in the form of a large sword and a larger penis, a trick Yikes thanks George Lucas for. The plot this time was that the character Harry learns to make a coat dance, and that his asshole can take a beating, the latter element being Yikes preparing the character for the next movie, where he had planned to bring friends along.
...the Prisoner of David Yikes
The third film was the most controversial of the twenty-six Harry Potter films planned so far. Everything behind the scenes went wrong when Radcliffe's mother discovered the white stains around her son's mouth where not hers, and that there was no way her own self-produced white liquid could spill around the anal cavity of Radcliffe's chamber. She withdrew her son from the set immediately and went straight to the doctors and lawyers. In the end, Radcliffe, legally divorced his mother, deciding himself that he prepared Yikes's, and that things could be worse, as he would not normally be getting half the paid salary he was earning at his age, even if he was to spend a night at the Neverland Ranch. Radcliffe promised his mother he wouldn't let David touch him again until he was at least sixteen, and that it would be better for both parties to just get back to work and just shoot the next film already.
...the Gobble Gobble Yikes
Radcliffe didn't even leave the set after completing the last film, instead he and David immediately began shooting the film in the now-worth-$2-billion franchise. This saw the beginning of a lover's tiff between Radcliffe and Yikes, which would not escalate to its height until six months into production of the latest front to make a movie to hide their true love.
The film was released to cinemas hastily, this time about Harry being able to make turds fly into the blades of ceiling fans, and now being a level 12 Jedi Master. It was during the films premiere that David actually wanted to watch the film for once, but Radcliffe wanted him to fist him from behind and pretend to be a ventriloquist in what Radcliffe refers to as the "Manginatriliquisim" act. It was at this moment in time that tensions grew between them, as David realized he had created a winy bitch who always wanted his own way. David complained to Radcliffe, reasoning that preforming the act would make his arm stink and ruin his manicure at the same time, but Radcliffe was insistent that if he did not violate him, he would refuse to do the next movie and run off to be with another producer.
Radcliffe and David then parted ways. Dorkell found himself a new bitch named Hard Rod, and they went into production of a film titled Dickeating Boys in which Radcliffe's character embarks on a vaguely gay coming-of-age sex adventure. Radcliffe took such punishment that it made his whiny little ass tear up, and he returned immediately to the Harry Potter franchise. Soon enough, the two where back together and David eased his way back into Dorkell
...the Order of the Fuckhead
Yikes and Radcliffe flew to Paris to be typical Americans (even though both are British) and spend thousands of pounds going to a country to just sit in the hotel and bitch about the coffee being better back home. They also spent all their money on a side trip to Amsterdam, where they figured when in Rome and promptly spent every penny they had on hookers and Mr. Men flavored condoms.
Soon they returned to America to make another Harry Potter film, this time strictly just to pay off the room service bills. Of course, Radcliffe and Yikes mated like rabbits off set, but on set Radcliffe started to take an interest in his female co-star. Tabloids began printing stories about an online set love affair between the pair. This pissed off David Yikes extremely, who plotted to have her character graphically killed off within the first two minutes of the next film. But the horrors-to-be were settled when the truth was discovered that Radcliffe's interest in her was not actually of her, but the shoes she was wearing. Radcliffe slept with her, got close enough to her to raid her wardrobe, stole what he wanted, then admitted to her that he was gay and it was all over between them. This left her in heartbroken tears, especially now that she had no clothes left and had found out Radcliffe gives better head then she does. The film was released as usual, and this time plot was that of Harry knocking up his own sister and having to travel to a far away land to find someone with a coat-hanger.
...the Half Inch Prick
By this time, however, Radcliffe had become the cockiest motherfucker on the planet. He was immune to being beaten up when he went out in public, so much that he starred in his first made-for-TV-movie "My Boy Jacks Off". It was a film of the pornographic nature, and Radcliffe held his head up high as he thought the world would not be able to get enough of him. Radcliffe funded the movie himself, mostly through child support proceedings, and swallowed over half a pint of his own semen throughout production, assured of himself that this movie would make him the biggest name in the pornography industry since that Ron Jeromy made that movie with Martha Stewart and proved he would eat anything.
Radcliffe's ego was soon crushed as he became the biggest joke in modern filmmaking, having exposed his... very small genitals to the world. This crushed his ego so hard that he refused to make any more Harry Potter films. Countless non-Harry Potter readers were in joy because of this, and finally the terror of having to take kids to see something they would one day look back on and be embarrassed about watching seemed to be over. But unfortunately, Yikes managed to suck Radcliffe into making another one. He was quickly back on set taking orders (and more) from David, and soon the next eye-watering installment in the Harry Potter series made it to the big screen.
...the Head Job Swallow
Radcliffe had claimed he would not participate in another Potter movie. But after two years of sitting around, waiting for the phone to ring so he could be in something, and bitching at the telephone company that his line must obviously not be working because they were preventing him from being the next Dolph Lundgren, David Yikes called up and said he missed his little bitch, and Radcliffe should come do another Potter movie. Radcliffe had no other choice, his career as an actor being so terrible due to the Harry Potter character that he would never be accepted as anything else, something Adam West is now laughing tears over, because even he has reprized his long dead career with Family Guy.
Radcliffe actually came back for a two parter this time. In a plot close to Radcliffe's own life, Harry Potter searches for a penis enlarging spell and eventually kills himself after a very long apology. David had used Radcliffe for the last time in the final Harry Potter movie. He said: "We have worked together a long time now, and I've been
fucking helping with his career since he was a small boy. But it's time to end this charade. He's getting too old for me, his asshole isn't as tight anymore, and quite frankly, I want to move onto bigger and better things".
No one under the age of six sees anything in the films, so people have had a hard time asking them what they like about the Harry Potter franchise. Inevitable, though, it seems these fans have built an army and plan to invade the world with their hoards of Harry Potter film merchandise. When asked about this, one replied with a gurgle and a burp and few others said they wanted to "go potty". On the other hand, the group of "we read the books, it was so good" morons are considering watching the films for the first time. One had this to say; "Star Wars is crap, Harry ROCKS!"
Future of Harry Potter
The future of the Harry Potter franchise is seemingly nonexistent, or for at least two years before David and Daniel decide that they need more money and make up their own Harry Potter adventures, or Hollywood decided to remake the entire thing for no apparent reason what soever other then making a quick buck. Until that point, Harry is still dead, David is currently off trying to buy Micheal Jackson's little black book from Pete Townsend, and the youth of the world who grew up watching the films will all look back one day and hate themselves for being deprived of learning moral lessons, instead watching a nerd reach his final XP level of 100 and be awarded with the title "officially gay". Radcliffe's only hope for the future - if he doesn't kill himself first - is getting on his hands and knees and hoping he can suck someone
off into making a movie based on Where's Waldo.