Harry Potter (books)
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Harry Potter and the Philanthropist's Stock Options
In the first book, Harry, a small and especially irritating bespectacled child who, in the Golden Age, would be down the tin mines earning his keep (bloody kids these days), learns that his benevolent aunt and uncle Vernon and Petunia are in fact the heads of a Masonic splinter lodge. Vernon and Petunia own a kind, generous son named David Dursley who is always polite and gets good grades. To keep their secret well hidden, Harry is bundled off to boarding school where he is visited in the night by Jerry Sandusky telling him that he's "special".
Harry is taken to an ancient bank deep in the heart of London, where he learns that his long-dead parents, killed in a tragic fly-by shooting under the orders of Lord Voldemort (named after the sound produced by trying to yawn with a mouth full of marshmallows), left him stocks and shares worth five times the amount of all the money in Paragon City. Not only that but he has magic powers and, being a small child who desires wanton destruction above all else, is a danger to humanity.
One feeble explanation about "mitochondria" later and he's off to the Jedi Apprentice Academy at Hogwarts to master in Quidditch. He is placed in a secret friendship club known as Gryffindor by a mystical piece of headgear known as the Selection Sombrero. On the way he meets tall, anorexic Ron Weasley and plot device Hermione Granger, who, like him, have special powers and thus require secure detention. However, Hermione is the worst student in the universe and gets Z- on every test, even the idiot ones. After indoctrination at the top-secret Academy they proceed to break all the rules, vandalize ancient works of art and murder their Self Defense teacher (as well as several other minor characters) under the excuse that they were "saving the world."
The American publication of the book was re-titled "Hairy Pothead: The Sorcerer's Stoned!" in order to help the less intelligible American community to understand the book, though it only served to confuse them further.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Music
Synopsis: Harry goes back to Hogwarts, which is stupid, considering that he could have stayed at his mean Dursleys instead of battling Voldemort and all those old weirdos. While there, -(Generic Evil Spell #28193)- starts terrorizing the students. Once every month, on the full moon, one student turns into a classical musician -- usually a violinist. At the end of the year, Harry opens this door in the girls' bathroom (for reasons best not disclosed) and discovers a chamber (not that kind!).
Inside the chamber, Harry discovers Voldemort calling himself Ron Biddle. He defeats him easily. However, behind him are four violinists, one pianist, one cellist, one bassist, and one cymbalist: a recipe for pure pain. Harry hates classical music so much that he sits with his ears covered for five minutes of page-turning pain. Summoning his courage, he does his bravest deed yet: uncover his ears and yell, "Could you keep it down?!" After informing the violinists (Penelope Clearwater, Hermione, Seamus Finnigan, and Nearly Headless Nick), pianist (Filch's cat), cellist (Dean Thomas), bassist (Colin Creevey), and cymbalist (Neville Longbottom), they are freed.
An unauthorized Dutch version of was released a month after, called Harry and the Chamber of Pot. It features a unique sub-plot involving Hermione's physics degree. The rip-off proved so intriguing that it, and not the original, was adapted for DVD. Tolkien was so infuriated over the obvious copyright infringement, he purchased every copy of the direct-to-video creation, using them as Christmas gifts for his less overtly enthusiastic fans.
Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Alderaan
When Harry senses a thousand voices "crying out, and suddenly silenced", he goes to investigate. It turns out that the notorious spammer Seriously Black has escaped from prison and along with Princess Lisa of Alderaan has decided to use his magical powers of mass hypnosis to try to break the world "simultaneous interrupted scream by a crowd of people" record. Determined to thwart this evil genius, Harry returns to school, only to end up being diagnosed with dementia and locked in a safe.
Different regional printings include variations that suited the local nationality including title and content changes. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Uzbekistan", Harry is arrested for speaking against Islam Karimov and is boiled alive until he confesses to being an Islamic radical (but ultimately, he is served as soup for Karimov's dinner) . In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Afghanistan", Harry is locked inside a metal shipping crate in the sun and left for dead. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Turkmenistan", Harry accidentally offends Turkmenbashi due to the wording of a spell and is imprisoned for blasphemy. Other copies include "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo Bay" also known as "Harry Potter and the Iraq Incident" in which Voldemort sells Harry to the marines as a Taliban combatant; "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib" where Harry is stripped naked and forced to cast spells on his privates; "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of North Vietnam" where Harry's Nimbus 2000 is blown out of the sky by a SA-2 attached to a Bludger; and "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Finland" in which Harry can't tell that he's in prison except for the constant reminders that if he ran away, the government would be "very hurt".
Harry Potter and The Giblets on Fire
Harry finds himself mysteriously transported into the world of "Chicken Run" (2000), the animated flick about the comedic farm adventures of McAtheist the Stupid Rooster (voiced by Mc Gibson). Set on the sinister Voldemort Egg Farm in 1950's England, Harry is the victim of a diabolical scheme to get him to eat steak and kidney pies on national television, causing terminal embarrassment and hopefully, death. The plan is foiled when Harry ends up eating a vegetarian tofu pizza instead. Dr. Who makes a guest appearance as Voldemort's latest bitch. Harry's "special friend" Cedric Diggory is murdered by a raging Wormpenis, marking Lord Voldemort's return to Wankers Weekly magazine's Top Ten Sexiest Terrorists, coming in at a close third to Osama Bin Laden (#2) and, of course, George Clooney (#1).
Harry Potter and The Birdy Buddy of the Phoenix
Having proven the existence of Lord Voldemort, Lord Lucan and Hillary Clinton's ghost in the previous book, Harry becomes the victim of a smear campaign by OK! magazine, which reveals he has dubious personal dancing habits and AIDS. He is coerced into having "private lessons" with the official school mandolinist, Professor Drape and narrowly escapes from a teenage romance with Gabriella Montez through the tactful deployment of a Tesla Coil. He discovers that a group of anti-Voldemort protesters have adopted him as their official patron and sets about prosecuting them over the rights to his image. He also needs to get back at the new teacher, known as Dolores Cum-Bitch, for saying that she "hates children." Harry does eventually kill her by using the charm, "Accio Dolores's heart!" The book climaxes with a death-defying battle with Voldemort, ending with Albus Dumbledore's unexpected plot-twisting revelation: Harry, Voldemort is out to kill you. Harry also learns that he was chosen, over Neville, to be the main character, wherupon he seeks out Neville and teases him endlessly. Harry also seemed to have left caps lock on for the majority of what he says, that, or he has anger-management problems.
Hogwarts suffers the loss of its two best characters, Fred and George Weasley, who decide to drop out of school. Stealing two brooms from Filch (while the caretaker was trying to mop up the swamp they'd conjured up in the hallway), the brothers escaped Cum-Bitch and took their "business" to South America. However, Just Kidding Rowling compensates for this loss with the introduction of two equally bizzare and therefore awesome characters; Luna Lovegood, and Nymphadora Tonks (who prefers only to be known by her last name, as her first name sounds embarassingly close to "nymphamaniac". The name "Lovegood" isn't much better, now that I think of it.)
Oh, and Seriously Black dies by falling through a shower curtain that's apparently the most secret thing in the Department of Secrets in the wizarding world (which is explained in book 10).
An alternative book has been written to replace this one in the series for those who just can't take it. It's called Harry Potter and the Odor of the Phoenix and it's about how Harry and the gang try to figure out why the phoenix smells so bad. It turns out someone bewitched his poop!
Harry Potter and the Professor Formerly Known As the Half Blood Prince
WARNING: If you do not already know that Snape killed Dumbledore and fled, this section may contain spoilers.
Snape is revealed to be Voldemort's son. Dumbledore marries Aunt Petunia. Snape gets angry over this, and therefore Snape kills Dumbledore. Finally, it is at last revealed that Harry Potter was not born to James and Lily Potter, but rather was conceived in a one-night stand between Snape and Aunt Petunia. Therefore Dumbledore is Harry's step-father and so is Snape and Uncle Vernon (the former husband). We also learn that Voldemort is half African American. This spins Harry into a personal crisis in which Harry questions his ethnicity. Harry then has a mental breakdown, starts wearing bling, and adds "izzle" to the end of every sentence. This book is mainly important because we learn that Aunt Petunia was a great slut, causing the book sales to hit record numbers when rumors of hot sex descriptions leak out onto the Internet. Six months after the book's release, Rowling was forced to deactivate the Hot Coffee mod that allowed the readers to participate in a mini-game where Dumbledore screws Aunt Petunia.
It is also explained that Fred Weasley had a secret relationship with Dildo Baggins.
An Excerpt From Book Six
Harry slowly staggers into the room, the room is spinning and he has a killer hangover from the night before. In the distance Harry hears someone whisper, "It's Potter." He strains his eyes and in the distance sees the burning, mutilated corpse of Miss Havisham, of the classic novel Great Expectations.
- If Harry sees Hagrid being Killed by Snape in Hogsmead with a cauldron scrub brush, buy Book 7.1 ($23.95, order now!)
- If Harry sees Dumbledore's lifeless body next to a Snape and a Cauldron of Methamphetamines, buy Book 7.2 - Harry Potter and How He Paid for Wizard College
- If Harry sees Dumbledore being left for dead by Ted Kennedy in Chapaquitic, buy Book 7.3 - Harry Marries a Kennedy
- If Harry sees an interuniversal portal open with Snape welcoming Ghengis Khan, buy Book 7.4 - Harry Potter and the Wrath of Khan
- If Harry goes on to be seduced by a luscious blonde dressed as a cheerleader, buy Book 7.5 - Harry Potter and Hilary Duff
- If Harry makes a flying broom out of a cereal box, an old license (or "licence" to the Brits) plate, some duct tape, & a 16-ounce sirloin steak; buy book 7.6 - Harry Potter and MacGyver.
- if Harry learns how to build a machine to cure cancer with a pocket knife buy book 7.61/2.
- If Harry sees a time portal that transports him with a giant unicycle; buy book 7.7 - Harry Potter and the wheel
- If Harry becomes a vampire, and proceeds to assassinate JFK; buy book 7.8 - Harry Potter and the International Society of Vampires (ghost-written by Oliver Stone)
- If Harry Potter kidnaps Tom Cruise, and sacrifices him; buy book 7.9 - Harry Potter and Executive Order of Xenu
- If Harry is hiking in the forest with a cub scout troop being chased by a homicidal axe-wielding maniac where he dies on every page; buy book 7.10 - Harry Potter and the Nature Trail to Hell.
- If Harry becomes the leader of an animated 70's rock band comprised of women dressed as cats who solve mysteries not unlike those of Scooby-Doo; buy book 7.11 - Harry Potter and the Pussycats
- If Harry dies of a stroke, buy book 7.12 - Neville Longbottom and the Now-Doomed Wizarding World
- If Harry's face goes wrinckly and attempts to be Emporer of a galaxy far, far away, although a guy with a light-up stick, a woman with a wierd haircut and Harrison Ford try to stop him; buy book 7.13 - Harry Potter Episode IV:A New Hope
The Author revealed to The New York Times that the original title was "Harry Potter and Dumbledore Dies", but felt that was too much of a giveaway. She also grappled with the title "Harry Potter and the Land of Embarassment", but the books said that for themselves
Harry Potter and the Deadly Gallows
“You want to kill me, don't you? Just pick up your wand -- it's right over there.”
Otherwise known as Harry Potter and the Deathly Camping Trip, Lord Voldemort is revealed to be Michael Jackson, although by this time most fans had already come to this conclusion due to Voldemort having a mutilated face, lack of a nose and preying on minors. Harry gets captured and tortured by the Inquisition, recently revived for that very purpose. Possibly the most useful book of the series, as it provides vital information concerning how to deal with magic users. Face it, you're neither a wizard nor a witch, so info about how they cast magic isn't as useful as "how a direct hit at the face can prevent the wizard from casting a spell on you" or "how the Sign of the Cross can reduce Ron and Hermione to gibbering wrecks". The majority of book, however, mostly consists of violence and gory/kinky torture scenes as Harry is interrogated by none other than the great Jack Bauer, Witchhunter Extraordinaire . In few last chapters, Jesus himself appear as guest character, leading an army of the righteous in a crusade against all wizards, witches, squibs and innocent bystanders in funny hats, culminating in Harry's execution by hanging. In a postscript, Hogwarts is purified and converted to a megachurch under the pastorship of the ghost of Rev. Billy Graham, the hippogriffs are captive-bred for poultry, Hedwig creates a political stir over logging in the Pacific Northwest, Harry's money is seized by the Inland Revenue for payment of back taxes, and Dobby is relocated to a Malaysian sweatshop. Every character that has ever appeared in any of the books, including J.K. Rowling, is killed (except James and Lily Potter). This is due to the fact that after the inquisition went back on their promise of amnesty for her in exchange for information, J. K. Rowling called Tyber Zann to stop them; Zann called for a massive bombardment of Earth by over 9000 Aggressor-class Destroyers, killing and/or destroying everything and everybody on, in or around the planet.
The publication of HPATDG has been dogged by controversy after Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger claimed that it was blatantly plagiarised from their 1487 work, the Malleus Maleficarum. However, Rowling's lawyers pointed out in court that having been dead for more than 500 years, the only way Kramer and Sprenger could bring a suit was by the involvement of necromancy, and the two were dragged off to the stake.
- Harry Potter and the Deadly Bellows: Queen Victoria returns to head Hogwarts, and all ragamuffin orphans like Harry are put in their place, working in a workhouse with lax safety standards, making bespoke monocles for gentlefolk.
- Harry Potter and Dudley's Tallow: Desperate for replacement suet for a candle-enchanting spell required to graduate from Hogwarts, Harry finds an unexpected source in his oft-annoying cousin.
The article also went on to state that Daniel Radcliffe is "soooo gross". I want to really f!&k him up!
Due to massive hype in Harry Potter and high expection in the last installment, Rowling decide to play safe and request Uwe Boll to direct the movie adaption.
|Characters||Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort|
|Books||List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time|
|Misc.||Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)|