From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article may be Overly Irish. The British may understand humour, but frankly we couldn't care less. Don't change a thing to remedy this.|
“Love the cock.”
“I don't understand bras either.”
“It's not my hair we should be concerned about.”
“Shut the fuck up and blow me, Oskar! I deserve to be blown! Mel Gibson is #3 on speed dial - call Mel & get him to toss my cunting salad too! Eat a bowl of fuck!”
Harold "Harry" Lee, aka the Monster Cunt, (born 4 June 1939) is a disgraced former jingoist radio disc jockey with Dundalk FM. He was acrimoniously dismissed from his position as presenter of the station's flagship show, Dundalk Daily, as of 2nd February 2010. Harry is considered to be a motor-mouth shock jock. Harry earned this reputation after making abhorrent comments about immigrant's eating habits and is noted for the enjoyment he takes in discussing topics such as sex, bodily functions and street crossing with OAPs and children alike. He admitted to local smut rag, The Dundalk Democrat, that most of the excitement derived from his salacious live show had diminished ever since his court enforced public castration in 1988.
Harry spoke of his post-procedure decision to have his testes covered in pva glue and dipped in glitter: "I get them out 'round Christmas time, polish them off and they take centre stage on the family tree. On New Year's Eve I hang them from the living room chandelier for my annual swingin' 70's Disco Night. It's a real money saver."
Harry was born in Dundalk and raised as a Christian-scientist. His father Charlie Lee was a maritime gigolo, who frequented Gyles Quay during its peak in the 1930's Navy Workers Strike and his mother Emily Lee was a convicted rapist who later pursued a successful political career as a casual Nazi. Harry was home schooled as his parents felt the curriculum of the time was too broad for his talents. Damning audio tapes of the lessons were leaked onto the Internet in 2003 around the same time Harry was due to accept an honorary diploma in quantum physics from Dundalk Institute of Technology (DKIT). Revelations about Harry repeating Junior Infants three times, led to the swift decline of his invitation to the ceremony and the offer of his diploma revoked. Harry has never commented on the matter.
Harry's first ever job was as a janitor for the Louth County Council. He worked in the public toilet sector and Harry has said that he believes it was during this period of employment that he first contracted the aids which would blight his career forever. It was also during this time that Harry's reputation as a party animal was cemented. At an All Ireland Council Christmas party held in Drogheda, an intoxicated Harry was found late at night by representatives of Monaghan County Council passed out naked beside two cement mixers, a canister of kerosene and a shopping bag full of MDMA. It wasn't until morning that the council workers, who had stayed behind cleaning up after the festivities, found Harry's artistic masterpiece. An interpretation of the Battle of the Boyne, he had lovingly etched into the wet cement the previous evening. A crude drawing of a man riding a horse holding a long rod aloft, appearing to be herding some ape like creatures with a speech bubble reading "stick that up your dunger, you arse-bandit surrender-monkeys!" Any chance Harry had of getting away with his indiscretion was annihilated by the condemning inscription below the drawing: "C'mon da Town - Harry L '54". Needless to say Harry had his contract terminated immediately.
The Indecent Mickey IncidentIn 1963 Harry moved to London, hoping to make it big in the industry. Unsure of exactly what industry was open to him, at the very least he knew he could still bang a few chicks back home if he made it in an industry and, as he saw it, England was the daddy of the Industrial Revolution, and London was its baby. He struggled to settle into the hustle and bustle of the big city at first. He found shared accommodation with a lady called Frances, a reformed nun who after much sexual oppression locked away in the nunnery, turned tricks for a living. Harry says in his autobiography - When Harry Met Harry - that monitoring Frances' exploits from his bedroom with his ear pinned to the dividing wall, had been the only source of satisfaction he had during those bleak times.
So bad had the situation become that Harry tried his hand as a Rent Boy, but there was little demand for a "specky-eyed baldy" as he recalls. He would traipse around every club from Knightsbridge up to Soho offering to gargle any and every guy's genitals for a halfpenny. One day not too dissimilar to any of the previous ones, Harry found himself in a club down old Soho, sipping on a coca cola when he spotted a dark haired beauty heading backstage. He decided he must sneak back there and get chatting. This was his chance at happiness, the long winter was over and he could feel the summer breezing back into his balls. After wrangling his way backstage he searched for his fair maiden. Approaching the person he believed was his blowjob lipped babe with his penis in one hand and a tap on the shoulder with the other, Harry was aghast when a bloke turned round with a puzzled look on his face saying "Jumpin' Jack Flash, who the fuck are you!?". Harry was crushed, momentarily. Spotting a business op, he offered Jagger a quicky and the rest is an aptly titled best of.
Drugs and prostitution had taken its toll on Harry's physical and mental state by the mid 1970's. Fearing for his safety after crossing his pimp, Harry returned to Ireland, taking solace in his home town of Dundalk. As Harry himself put it "You couldn't get good coke in Dundalk back then no matter what you were prepared to do... still can't now".
Off The Wagon, Onto The Queen
On returning to Dundalk, Harry volunteered as a DJ on a local pirate radio station IHateDrogsFM. By 1978 Harry fell back into the trappings of being involved in the music industry and found himself flat out on Heroin, for which he would ferry across the channel to Britain to get. On one such trip he had arranged to catch a gig by legendary rock band Queen fronted by flamboyant fairy Freddie Mercury. Harry was a massive fan of the band and had bought seventeen copies of their newly released album 'Jazz', citing 'Fat Bottom Girls' and 'Bicycle Race' as his favorite songs of all time. At the gig Harry used his radio fame to manipulate his way back stage and meet the band. After chatting with Freddie for twenty three minutes, Harry was now jabbering, frothing at the mouth and lactating the moobs off himself. Harry was on the Heroin helter-skelter, the downward spiral. So he grabbed Freddie and asked if they could go somewhere private. Harry shot up first, as it was custom for the cook to (Harry maintains), and then passed the syringe to the obliged Freddie. Of course tragically for both men, Harry had contracted HIV as a boy cleaning the local public toilets of his hometown. Harry has never been able to forgive himself for passing it onto Freddie. In his autobiography Harry claims Freddie was as straight as a javelin but it was Brian May who was a poo pushing Queen, the only reason Fred said he gave head was to deflect from the drug use after it got out he had the bad AIDS. Harry has said it was a super gig though.
Outside It's America
Feeling ashamed of his relapse and the emergence of Punk, Harry fled Ireland for America in 1979. He went to live in a Mormon community, working the land and stayed there for four years embracing the culture of polygamy to the fullest, taking five wives. All five marriages were annulled when Harry "accidentally" shagged the pet pig and he hadn't consummated any of the five marriages.
The Cumback Kid
In 1983, Harry had no choice but to return to Ireland as the Mormon elders told him they would chop off his willy and feed it to 'Prince' the beloved family pet pig he had fornicated with. From this ordeal, if anything at all, Harry had learned he had a deep seeded love of animals. So he decided to apply to a petting zoo in a nearby farming village called Iniskeen. But alas, disaster struck as it had so often before for Harry. Struggling to deal with his convoluted sexual past and drug addled mind, Harry found himself engrossed in the innocence of the young animals at the zoo. Harry, a scholar of African culture and traditions had taken an all too literal interpretation of an African myth. The myth stated that a sufferer of Aids could only cure the disease by fornicating with a virgin. Harry pursued a lurid sex life until he was rightfully arrested on multiple accounts of sheep, cow, horse, dog, cat, chicken and shrew rape leading to being court ordered to have a castration, publicly, before being released back into society.
Hitting The Big Time At Last
In 1989, Harry landed his big breakthrough into TV. He was offered a juicy part on Australian televison sensation, Neighbors, as the cuddly rogue Harold Bishop. The character was originally called Des Bishop, but Harry insisted that he had a dream where there was another Des Bishop, from America no less, who was destined to save the native Irish Language one day in the future and that they shouldn't detract from what would be his legacy. So he suggested they change it to Harold and by doing so they would not only preserve Ireland's heritage but make it bloody easy for him to remember his lines. Harry was subsequently fired from the show when amateur video footage emerged and broadcast on the 6 o'clock news, of him riding shotgun in a beloved kangaroo's pouch, yelling "Crikey Skip, can't you go any faster? I think a dingo's takin' your baby... to a barbie... Mate."
The Hiroshima Incident
On 19th May 1991 (coincidentally, the same day that Croatia voted for independence from Yugoslavia), this pea-brained imbecile strode out the front door of his Surrey mansion in the nip and was promptly arrested (once again, for public exposure/indecency) by some amadáns led by local enforcer Francis Begbie. In a surprising turn of events, Lee was handed over to MI5 and promptly extradited to Japan (Nippon-Koku), where he was carelessly dropped onto the streets like a gerbil from a pervert's anal cavity. As Murasaki Shihibu famously remarked: "In Japan, first you get the money, then you get the power, and then you go yellow cab cruisin'," so Lee became a successful real-estate mogul throughout Kobe, Osaka and Hiroshima, with the understandable goal of eventually marrying "a genuine authentic Jap of any age profession or gender" as he told FOX News. It was in the latter city that an unfortunate incident befell the witless Drogheda shitbird. While day-tripping on Kurahashi Island on August 7th, Lee and his same-sex partner Kado were randomly attacked by Samurai (yes it happens apparently), beaten senseless with Kendo sticks, bound and gagged, and dumped into the Ota River. Amazingly, Lee managed to survive, although Kado sadly perished. Upon informing the police of the evening's events in great and some say, frequently unnecessary, detail, Lee was thrust into the media limelight only to eventually emerge as the chief suspect in the murder of Kado/attempted murder of himself. His police testimony was mercilessly used against him, although why he ever detailed his and Kado's sexual escapades in such great length to the homicide squad is beyond comprehension. To the delight of all Japanese people, Lee was formally charged with murder in the first degree, and attempted murdercide of oneself in the millionth degree. Despite providing oral services to an elderly, overweight, illiterate, wheelchair-bound juror, in what Jonathon Ross described as "a bold attempt to sway the jury in his favour", Lee was nonetheless convicted of the aforementioned crimes, as well as additional charges of sexual deviancy and a "despicable" misuse of a public fairground. He received a sentence of 45 years in prison, with the possibility of parole only when Peter Schmeichel had finally given in and hanged himself while wanking and being done from behind by one of Gary Lineker, John Motson or a dildo-clad Jackie Stallone. Luckily the sexy bastard fled the country in the world's fourth (4th) largest canoe, thus avoiding having to wait for this unlikely event to befall the Danish goalkeeper/pundit/knobhead. Lee ended up working at some crap Louth radio station or other, but I couldn't be bothered to research that right now, as I've been googling all this Japanese shit for almost a half-hour. Fuck off!
Bringin' It All Back Home (Boomerang Lee)
Harry believed he had firmly put his checkered past behind him and was overwhelmed when he was offered his dream job on DundalkFM. He didn't hesitate in accepting the slot on the Dundalk Daily show. His show had been billed as a light hearted chat and music program, this is not what listeners got. Instead the show became Harry's very own smörgåsbord of political caterwauling and moral philosophizing with a side serving of saucy sensationalism. Harry chose the 2Unlimited hit song 'No No Na No No Limits(There's No Limit)' as the shows' sting, claiming "this illustrates what I'm all about in one sentence". Harry enjoyed seven years at the station, and if it weren't for his greed, he might still be there. In lieu of a wage increase, Harry asked for an arse-insert dildo sex-chair to be fitted into the studio and when the station manager refused, Harry threw a hissy fit and stormed out of the station. Harry's tenure at the station had being rocky at best and one of his last broadcasts, an interview with Jim Corr, about new world orders, conspiracy theories, 1996, unorthodox birth control and incest, seemed to be the proverbial last cock up the arse for the station manager.
- Fritzie - Awarded for Best Molester in the Small Town Category and Outstanding Contribution to the Sex Offenders Register 2009 (The Inaugural Fritzies Award Show was held in Vienna, presented by Pete Townshend and Gary Glitter)
- Person Most Likely To Become A Homicidal Maniac/Air Steward - Awarded at Harry's High School Reunion 1994
- Mr Louth '85 (Runner-up) - Awarded by Louth County Council (Steve Staunton took 1st place)
- 1st Prize in Art Competition - Awarded by Emily Lee for Second Class Art & Crafts
- Mel Gibson Ethnocentric Merit Award - For remarking that Barack Obama was "a cheeky nigger".
- Hot Press Entrepreneur of the Year 2010 - For his role in the FÁS 'Teaching Cats to Swim' initiative.
Harry lives with his Thai wife, Miaow [mee-oww] in their semi-detached bungalow in Bay Estate, Dundalk, Co. Louth. They have been married for 37 days at time of print, 2nd March 2010. Harry was quoted in local paper, The Argus, as saying: "I felt after Christmas I deserved a belated treat so I contacted this website 'Thai High & Buy' to see if I could get a rental for a few weeks. They informed me of this bargain just in, complete with two kids, and I thought "Oh my, I'll have some of that pie!" Harry now has nine children from seven different women including Miaow's two. Harry has been married 8 times in total. His first wife was Maggie Lee, his cousin. The pair eloped to Zimbabwe and were married both aged 15. Nine months later Maggie gave birth to Harry's first child, Lucille. On discovering Lucille's abnormality, suspected to be caused from incest, Harry broke it off with Maggie and returned home to Dundalk. Harry's second wife was Nancy, whom he met playing bingo whilst accompanying his Gran, Betty-Lou Lee. The marriage to Nancy, 48 years his senior, lasted six months. Harry has said the age gap shouldn't have been a problem but it was in the end; "I wanted children, she couldn't". Harry met his next five wives in the space of two years. This of course was during his time in the Mormon community. They were:
- Julie Montrose (aged 31)
- Hillary Duff Snr (aged 29)
- Mary Concepta Louise Gonzalez (aged 23)
- Hillary Duff Jnr (aged 15)
- Bo (aged 7)
Harry had no children to these women, as he didn't consummate any of these marriages. Instead he would invite his neighbors over and charge them money to 'have a go' on his wives, whilst he videotaped the whole thing. Harry is said to have adopted the No Ho philosophy due to his business mantra at the time; "You use, you lose brother!" Harry's second child Derek and third child Veronica were fathered during his gigolo days in London, to clients whose identity Harry has kept hidden under the consumer rights act. Whilst holidaying in Disney Land, Paris in 1986, Harry had it off with Minnie Mouse a.k.a Monica Baguette, the lady wearing the costume, and their exchange resulted in the birth of Harry's fourth child, Sebastian. Kelly, his fifth child was the result of a fling with music mogul/media whore Sharon Osbourne. Harry's sixth child Benny 'Beano' Lee, was the result of a drinking game, Truth or Dare. He was challenged by a drinking buddy to ride the town's infamous homeless tramp, Sheila, underneath the fountain at the Square. Harry chose the dare rather than answer the question: what is your favorite colour? Harry's seventh child and last from his own seed is Hector Haroldinho José Lee. Haroldinho was conceived on a trip through Bolivia. Harry met Haroldinho's mother working in a Hooters restaurant, when after her shift had ended, Harry followed her home.
“Lets just say, it's not the only thing I bash.”
Harry was raised as a Christian-scientist, however he became disillusioned with its practices upon discovering the soothing effects paracetamol has on a headache after a night on the tiles. Harry therein began his quest for a religion that catered best to his frivolous lifestyle. Firstly he began with straight up Christianity, but found it too constrictive. Less luck followed when he dabbled in straight up Scientology, "I don't like Aliens; illegal, green, black, yellow or Tom Cruise for that matter" commented Harry. After further misadventures with Judaism and Buddhism. Harry decided to form his own religion in 2007. Harry's hybrid religion is called 'Harry-Christen-Yah. It is an all-singing, all-dancing diocese.
In 1990, Harry achieved a state of fungal Utopia. Concerned about his prowess and inspired by his hero, Super Mario, Harry undertook a stringent diet consisting exclusively of mushrooms and fuchsias for five and a half months. Harry took a lengthy unpaid leave of absence from work during this time and had amassed a large line of credit with a local pet store, which meant he ran out of money to pay for store bought fungi. This resulted in Harry having to resort to eating outdoor, wild varieties commonly referred to as 'shrooms' or 'magic mushrooms' and noted for their psychedelic side affects. A scantily clad Harry was found muttering "No... Luigi... Mamma Mia, puhh... pizzeria... Paolo Maldini... Level 42 ... it's over... Prrrincess... arrgh, arrgh... just ah how ah mama use ah to ah make it" under the the Newry Bridge not far from the pet store. A Gardai report detailed Harry was 'tripping the balls off himself' and surrounded by 78 tortoise carcasses covered with muddy footprints.
“Ugh-huh, waz-ee-oo got the glasses, the no hair, the shiny head ugh-huh-huh, you sir, the fuzzeeee liddle man with the belly, Lee... ugh-huh-huh ugh-huh-huh-huh”
“Even now, bitch for bitch, Harry's got more bang for his buck then me. I calls him the pussy pounder, so I does. He's done them all, even my sisters... except Caroline”
“He's more Irish than 'St. Paddy Mick Oirish' or I'll ever be for that matter. And I worked in Superquinn!”
Anything Written on the pages of Uncyclopedia is clearly factual
I'd like to REMIND everyone who views this site and is perhaps unhappy with the content - you know it's real, do quote this as fact and certainly do get your knickers in several twists because you don't like it. You can't contact an administrator if you have a problem with a page. I've read threats of police authorities being involved bounded about the site, I'll save you the trouble - they'll take your complaint seriously. There is no such thing as freedom of speech, it is a crime so look that one up. Short of this remember what your mother taught you "Sticks and stones may break my bones... but NAMES will kill me dead" and repeat. This is offensive if you take it seriously - everybody should. I hope you find what you are looking for in life. Now piss off.