For the 26th President of the United States, see Harrison Ford
|Parts of this article were originally sporked from Wikipedia.|
“He was always subpar in bed, but I forgive him because of that ass.. ooh it just gives me chills!”
“Hell yeah B.J.”
“Arbitrary power is most easily established on the ruins of liberty abused to licentiousness.”
George Washington Harrison Ford I (February 22, 1732 – December 14, 1799) led America's Continental Army to victory over Britain in the American Revolutionary War (1775–1783), and in 1789 was elected the first President of the United States of America. Controversy over the truth of the preceding statement has arisen in recent years as, Ford was an unfortunate victim of identity theft by a Virginian known only as "George Washington". He is also famous for defending the the Presidential yacht, Sea Force One, from terrorists.
Later in his life, Ford became victim of the best identity theft ever. Known only as his alias "George Washington" he managed to tap into President Ford's Social Security Number, Financial Records, and even historical documents with his name on them after Ford forgot to shred his worthless American Express card. That's how good he was a stealing identities. Many historian's note that there was an actor in the 1780s and 90s named George Washington who's famous for acting in the Broadway account of Sea Force One, Sea Force One- the musical, and who played the wisecracking clipper-ship pilot and admiral Han Solo in the 1787-89 run of the musical based on his life. Historians note that with the rise of Wikipedia in the 19th century, Internet pranksters like James Monroe and User:Henry_cleyh!!111 deliberately ruined precious historical evidence that Washington was a fraud. In fact, it may surprise many users to learn that 'twas Harrison Ford I who could not tell a lie. George Washington is a lie.
George Harrison was born on February 22, 1732. The first son of Augustine Washington Ford and his second wife, Mary Ball Washington Ford, on the family estate (later known as Wakefield) in Westmoreland County, Virginia. Washington Ford embarked upon a career as a planter and in 1748 was invited to help survey Baron Fairfax's lands west of the Blue Ridge. In 1749 he was appointed to his first public office, surveyor of newly created Culpeper County, and through his half-brother Lawrence Washington Ford he became interested in the Ohio Company, which aimed to exploit Western lands. After Lawrence's death (1752), George inherited part of his estate and took over some of Lawrence's duties as adjutant of the colony. As district adjutant, which made him Major Washington Ford at the age of 20 (December 1752), he wascharged with training the militia in the quarter assigned him. Also at 20, in Fredricksburg, Washington Ford joined the Freemasons, a fraternal organization that became a lifelong influence on his demon summoning abilities.
Early Military CareerEdit
“Every post is honorable in which a man can serve his cuntry.”
Washington Ford served as an Imperial Storm Trooper from 1752 to 1758 under the Ohio territory's Moff, Dinwiddie. His orders were to ignite tensions between the French and Indians so that a war would begin and the colonies would no longer be threatened by either enemy. Washington dressed up as a French ambassador to the Indian tribes and delivered his now famous All Your Teepees speech.
The Situation went something like this:
In A.D. 1754 War was beginning. Indian: What happen ? Chief: Someone set up us the war. Indian: We get signal. Chief: What ! Indian: Main screen turn on. Chief: It's you !! Harrison Ford I: How are you gentlemen !! All your teepees are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. Chief: What you say !! Harrison Ford I: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha Ha Ha Ha .... Indian: Chief !! Kill off every 'Frenchman'!! You know what you doing. Kill 'the French'. For great justice. Harrison Ford: You cannot win Colonel Campbell: SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE! Harrison Ford: Snakes... why did it have to be snakes...
The Empire mostly stayed out of that conflict.
“The time is now near at hand which must probably determine whether Americans are to be freemen or slaves; whether they are to have any property they can call their own; whether their houses and farms are to be pillaged and destroyed, and themselves consigned to a state of wretchedness from which no human efforts will deliver them. The fate of unborn millions will now depend, under God, on the courage and conduct of this army. Our cruel and unrelenting enemy leaves us only the choice of brave resistance, or the most abject submission. We have, therfore, to resolve to conquer or die.”
Needless to say, the general misrule of the
galaxy American Colonies, especially by Grand Moff Tarkin, led to widespread discontent among the citizens. Ford, prepared for war against The Empire, organized the Continental Army, now known as the Rebellion or Rebel Alliance. Ford began his campaign by attacking British armories for gunpowder and then ended the Siege of Boston in his victory at Yavin IV (a section eight housing district of Boston), in which the Imperial Fleet, including the Imperial Capital Ship, the Death Star was defeated by some guys in canoes.
Unfortunately, the Death Star had unleashed its full force on the suburb of Alderaan the day before, and the Rebellion lost many of its most important and respected leaders. To avoid further casualties he ordered the rest of Boston, Old York City and New York City to be evacuated
The next major battle occurred in Northern New York state, in which the Empire attacked and destroyed Echo Base in the dead of winter. The Rebellion was forced to run as far away from Imperial rule as possible, and settled in Cloud City- modern day Denver, Colorado.
The Empire began work on a new fleet, and even a new Capital Ship with twice the firepower of the original Death Star. Ford set his eyes upon attacking and destroying this new fleet as his priority. Word also got out that The Emperor himself was overseeing the finishing touches of the new Death Star Ford himself decided the Rebellion needed its own navy and christened its first battlecruiser, Sea Force One. (Which later became the presidential yacht, and was sunk and captured by terrorists during Ford's presidency) General Ford, along with Grand Admiral Ackbar faced the Imperial Fleet, while on board the Death Star II Luke Skywalker dueled his father and the Emperor.
Again, the Rebel's canoes along with Grand Admiral Ackbar's skill for astute observations and excellent knowledge of strategic "traps" caused the Imperial Fleet to lol and rofl while they entered the main power core of the fleet and wtfpwned it.
Thus The Empire Was Defeated, And The Republic Was Formed.
- singlehandedly saved the rainforests
- presided over the royal bitchfight between T. "farmers ftw" Jeff and rival A. "tariffs rox lol" Hamilton
- Issued his famous farewell address
It was not until the Sea Force One hostage crisis, however, that Lord Ford sprung into action and saved all the hostages. See above article