Harrison Ford
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“I got a bad feelin' about this!”
~ Harrison Ford on The Death Star
“I got a bad feelin' about this!”
~ Harrison Ford on Uncyclopedia
“I got a REALLY bad feelin' about this!”
~ Harrison Ford on Mark Hamill's film career
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Harrison Indiana Han Jabba Ford Mustang Jones was born in Amritsar to Mr Model T Ford and Mrs Georgeta Bianchina-Ford (Nee Solo). There, he learned how to ride horses around his farm, and soon became national whore-riding champion at the age of 12. His education was rather stunted, though, and by the age of 15 he could barely calculate the square root of minus one, let alone recite pi to 100,000 places. This unfortunate situation did not deter his parents from seeing the talent within. They taught him to paint with his toes while playing the lute with his tongue. This got him several gigs with such notables as Ella Fitzgerald and Count Chocula. That earned him enough money to buy the thing he had wanted most as a child - his very own spaceship (and a few popsicles).
[edit] Adulthood
Contrary to popular belief, Harrison Ford did not invent the automobile, he merely perfected the process for its mass production, making it cheap and readily available to the masses with his well-known "Model T." All proceeds from the sale of the Model T went towards construction of his own private theater. One unfortunate day, Abraham Lincoln was caught in Ford's Theater without Harrison's permission, so he snuck up behind him and shot him. By the end of his Adulthood Harrison got into a horrific accident involving the disgusting scene of his balls being kicked with a bone shattering kick from Chuck Norris. But Ford got the last laugh, as he sued Norris for unemployment and won an earth-shattering, record-breaking $5.50 in damages!
[edit] Movies
Aged 19, Ford ran away from home towards Hollywood. he plays in every film, and is always voiced over. There, he was picked up by a young agent called Aubernon X. Towelflick. Towelflick soon got Ford in with the big production companies and, after a few casting couch sessions, managed to get parts in the following films:
- Rub-A-Dub-Dub: The Story Of Armitage Shanks - played Mr. Shanks. Won an Oscar for "Best Toilet-Related Musical".
- Star Diplomatic Discussions - played Handy Andy. Won two oscars, for "Best Supporting Strut" and "Best Use Of The Word 'Noooooooooooooooooo!' in a film".
- What The Hell Is Wrong With That Guy? - played Jamie Oliver.
- Giraffes In Space - played Marmoset #3.
- Flash Gordon - played someone behind Brian Blessed
- Mysterious Instintive Stranger Fatal Denials - played Sharon Stone. This film flopped spectacularly at the box office, as did Sharon Stone.
- In Diana Jones, the raiders of the lost Vagina - his only x-rated movie. It never became a hit, simply because it didn't last long enough.
- Fire Brick Ford plays a super hero who hits bad guys on the head with a flamming brick. He co-starred with young actress Lindsay Lohan whom during filming was paid extra to force feed her.
- "the bed pan raid" he started filming this when he was 60 and did all his own stunts in a movie fighting a bed pan truck
From these films, Ford received an awful lot of money - about enough money to buy Monaco and still have enough left over to buy the whole of the south of Italy. In fact, he did just that, and the south of Italy is now known as Fordania as a result.
Fordania is twinned with Nowhere.
[edit] Heroism
The Experts disagree about Harrison Ford. But they do agree on this: Harrison Ford once punched Joe Rogan in the face. Fact.
[edit] Political Career
After giving up the movie career, Ford turned his head towards his other great love, politics. Before long, after a small administrative error involving Gerald Ford, a revolving door and a large black permanent marker, Ford was made the 25th president of Amerika.
Ford managed to do a lot of good for Amerikans as a whole. He set the following in motion:
- The legalization of marijuana, so long as he could have some.
- The widthdrawal of troops from Elton John's vagina.
- Banning the use of the word "Flibbertigibbet" on Amerikan TV.
- Returning Chewbaccas to the wild.
- Slowly torturing George Lucas to death after he made the 371st installment of the Star Wars trilogy.
- Getting snakes off Samuel L. Jackson's motherfucking plane. "I hate snakes, Jock! I hate em!"
- Burn any Indiana Jones Screenplays being written at the time.
Ford married his long time sweetheart, Princess Leia, just days after retiring as President. He was divorced in 1965 because of his failure to "service" her. The couple reconciled in 1970 and somehow procreated a cross-eyed, big-nosed, pretty easy android they named "Chelsea Clinton".
[edit] Death
Ford retired died long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away . We're still awaiting news of how exactly he died, but what we do know, is that he was ambushed by man bear pig,half man, half bear, and half pig, after fighting for 56 long tiring seconds man bear pig finally had its toll on Ford. Sadly, the only thing left they had discovered of his was his trademark smirk.
[edit] After Life
The people who choose to believe Ford is not dead created the religion known as "Fordism". Members have claimed to have seen ford walking the airforce one runway searching for the millennium falcon. Samuel L. Jackson a long time Fordian claims to have had dozens of big kahuna burgers with the godly ghost, and also says Harrison denys ever starring in firewall.
[edit] See Also
- Chewbacca
- Princess Leia
- Star Wars Marital Aids
- Rich bastards
- Indie
- Indiana Jones
- Han Solo
- In case he is still alive, Ford will star in the sequel to Air Force One, to take place on an Airbus A380.
