Harriet Tubman

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American Hero!

edit Escape

In 1849, Tubman's favorite hockey team, the Toronto Marlies, came to Cottonfield to play the San Antonio Rampage. Despite her master forbidding her to attend dressed like a whore, Tubman went wearing her indecent attire anyway. Neither Tubman nor the Toronto Marlies quite remember what occurred on the team bus after their victory that night, but the driver of the bus did and recounted his memories in a 1878 episode of Dateline. According to the driver, a drunk Tubman, along with several other nasty women, boarded the bus, snorted cocaine with the players, and then engaged in an orgy involving a rather unorthodox use of hockey sticks. The bus had crossed the border back into Canada by the time the party awoke in a puddle of its own bodily fluids and shame, which made the hungover Tubman a free woman.

A concerned Brodess wrote to Tubman, asking her to please return or be tracked down and shot. Despite a heartfelt promise to only cut off one of her legs if she came back, Tubman refused. Many historians believe that during her stay in Canada, Tubman became radicalized by Canada's liberal elite. There she was brainwashed into an ideology of lawlessness and thievery, which motivated her to move back to the United States in 1851 to help worsen economic conditions in the South. It was at this point that Araminta Ross changed her name, first to Aisha Abdullah-ibn-Aquaba Abu Sahlim-bin-Mohammed al-Rahshid, which was shortened to Harriet Tubman over time.

Single handedly lead other slaves to freedom despite there being a bounty on her head.

Was a slave but freed herself via the Underground Railroad!

edit Death


Tubman suffering from chronic oldness

Tubman was buried alive by by a militia of concerned citizens in 1911 over accusations of rape, but survived the horrible ordeal to the dismay of many and lived yet another two years. Deciding that she didn't want to live through World War I and Woodrow Wilson, Tubman's brain committed suicide in March 1913 through chronic oldness. Her doctors claimed that her oldness was so severe that they opted to not treat her terminal influenza. She was then buried again in Cottonfield Cemetery, Georgia.

Upon learning of Tubman's death, the entire suffrage movement realized they only did what she said, therefore they lost all reason to live, so they all committed mass suicide on April 21, 1913. The only survivors of the 1913 attempt were Anntoinette Lousia Brown and Enily Howland. On November 5, 1921, they formed a suicide pact by jumping of the Empire State Building, which killed Brown but somehow Howland, who was miserable at suicide attempts, survived. Howland survived 68 more attempts before finally dying in a January 1929 pill overdose.

edit See also

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