Haoma

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“¿ ¿”
~ Oscar Wilde on Haoma

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Haoma.

Haoma is an ancient drink imbued with divinity, panacea and aphrodisiacal properties causing levitation of the body and mind in the imbuee. It is mentioned several times in the ancient Zoroastrian text, Avesta. It is not to be confused with Soma, though both have probably the same or similar or very closely related or identical or about identical origins or a common MtDNA in ancient Indo-Iranian thought. Haoma is a spiritual substance (termed a "narcotic" by Americans who never really understood Oriental culture, or even culture for that matter).

Spiritual substances and religion are so closely entwined in Indo-Iranian thought that it's about impossible to think of these religions, i.e. Hinduism and Zoroastrianism, without getting high (let alone write an article on them).

Etymology

The etymology of Haoma (pronounced hoh-moh -- ha, ha, no, no, no, "haoma" does not originate from the word "homo," but hell yeah, that’s a funny thought) is from the concatenation of two Proto-Sanskrit words,"Yo" meaning "Yo" and "Mama" meaning "Yo Mama". Applying the rule of declension of Proto-Sanskrit grammar to these two words, we get "Yo + Mama = Haoma." Pretty cool, eh? Well, check this - this is even cooler: The first reference to Haoma in the Avesta is when Zarathustra, having imbibed this drink, sees the ethereal vision of a beautiful man with flowing tresses and glowing skin who asks him to press Haoma and press it even harder to purify the Water [sic]. Zarathustra was also a man. Now I don’t know if this sounds gay but I have a pretty good idea of the etymology of the Latin “homo” now.

Pharmacology

As true for most substances that find references in ancient texts, the exact composition of haoma is still unknown. However, it’s clear that Haoma was the extract of a plant, or rather, a water-soluble mixture of the portions, or treated portions, like stem, flowers, leaves and buds, of a plant. Scholars have conjectured the genus and species of this plant based on a hymn to the plant in the Avestha (Chapter I, Canto I, Verse I, Stanza I):

The plant is green
The plant is lovely and opens towards the sun
The plant has leaves, green, green leaves surround the plant
Green leaves of the plant make me ecstatic and feel wild
I see, I see, I see green leaves and a long stem in the plant I see,
I see all
In the leaves are caterpillars waiting to butterfly
The flowers are pretty and I see the butterfly, so will you see.

Based on these exhaustive descriptions, scholars have arrived at the conclusion that the plant is ephedra of the genus ephedrius narcotius. When Dr Mercury Freddy revealed this conclusion to an esteemed gathering of the most renowned scholars of Oriental History (including Dr. Impa), in a seminar in Tehran, his work was severely criticized because this plant is not known to exist in Iran and the closest place it is found in is Afghanistan. There was severe pandemonium in the seminar-hall after this. To control the situation, Dr Freddy postulated that although ephedra may be extinct in Iran today, it was perhaps extant in ancient times? This calmed the learned audience. Ultimately the fraternity decided to rewrite the ancient history of Afghanistan to make it not a sovereign state but a province within the suzerainty of Iran till the Colonial period to overcome this obstacle. And so it is today. (See Ancient Iranian Kingdoms)

Effect

The effects of Haoma are very nasty. The Fuhrer of the Third Reich himself imbibed it to turn Aryan (but he turned into a cur instead and not a paltry single one of the commanders of the Third Reich had the guts to walk up to him and yell: Yve look likes de dawgg, ve haff to koncentrate yve now...). The Fuhrer fed Haoma, or ephedrine, to his brave and valiant soldiers of the Third Reich and they all turned into dogs. Soon enough the Fuhrer realized that the etymology of Aryan derived nyet from Iran or Iranian; all that was wrong, wrong, lie and plain bullshit and he felt very angry until he turned to the Nordics, searching wildly for the Aryans among them, but, alas! Haoma still stuck to him like a crab, following him around, messing with his mind, and his face, and the Fuhrer too, in a vicious circle, wouldn’t give up eating, chewing, drinking, munching Haoma until the Allies put all them dogs to rest. The brave Allies also drank Haoma -- they weren't unlike the nazis in this respect! -- under state patronage, i.e. with orders from the high command! (well them Allies wanted to mimic and beat the nazis at everything.) But, a big BUT! the Allies had more learned Ancient Iranian History professors in USA (like Albert Einstein for example) than the nazis and therefore the Allies learnt to drink Haoma the right way, i.e. with a swift left hand motion, taking the cup directly to their lips as they deftly tossed their heads back to ensure that the liquid dropped through their gullets, straight to the bottom of their tummies, as prescribed in the holy text, Avesta. The Fuhrer, on the other hand, drank it like any cheap German ale and that too with his right hand and thus turned into a dog. Alas! He should have read the Aryan scriptures – none of the powerful ever care for the ancients or their wisdom – when it's all there, meticulously recorded in the scriptures. It’s a sad world we live in today -- indeed it is; utterly despicable you know; kinda like a dissected toad turned inside out; like a painting without an artist; an artist without a painting...

A side effect of Haoma is an abnormal levitation of one’s libido. John F. Kennedy was an ardent Haoma fan (introduced to him by Dr. Feelgood, a Haoma worshipper himself, who used to have access to JFK’s private chambers through a secret backdoor for the purpose of sticking the Haoma needle in the JFK bum, ass, wrist, face, whatever-was-visible-and-circulating). JFK did not follow the method of Haoma consumption prescribed in the scriptures either (he viewed Albert Einstein with a bit of a disdain and thus kept a distance). JFK too turned into something abominable. No, not a dog – something worse: a horny dog. We all know that he was a sex maniac. Or, er, maybe we don’t.

Contraindications

Haoma is contraindicated in people afflicted with a brain infecting their cranium; half a brain infecting their cranium; a penis infecting their brain; diabetes mosquitous; the hypersensitive and the gay. It should not be used in combination with coke (coca cola) or orange juice; mixing it with them will increase the effect of coke and/or orange juice ten fold.

See Also

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