Sean Hannity

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Redirected from Hannity and Colmes)
Jump to: navigation, search
690629372 l
Sean has written over 300 books in crayon, almost five of which are in legible English.

Sean "The Insanity" Hannity a.k.a. "That hypocritical douche-bag" or "The Wall Banger" (hatched December 30, 1971), is an asshole, political novice, and all around fat-necked bitch. Contrary to popular belief, he sucks lots of dick on a daily basis, but will never admit that black cock tastes best. Hannity is known around NYC for being a regular in the video arcade backrooms where closeted homosexuals go to engage in anonymous sex. Clearly he was only conducting a routine cavity search on that poor poolboy because he thought he was a terrorist. Anyway, Hannity is often mistaken for a political commentator, due in part to his uniquely dry and oblique sense of humor. He has written jokes for over thirty thousand different clients, most of which were so obscure that they were not recognized as jokes at all by the vast majority of viewers. He has been described as just about everything you can possibly imagine at one point or another, except a comedy writer, a fact which vexes him greatly.

Despite his hairstyle, Sean is not a homosexual-he is a closeted homosexual. The twinkle in his eye, the bulge in his pocket and the blush on his cheeks that viewers see when Hannity interviews President George W. Bush are optical expressions of his overwhelming desire to toss the Bush Salads. Sean has kids, so he chooses to conceal his homosexuality (see Michael Jackson). His biography was the inspiration for the novel and movie Brokeback Mountain. Experts at Fox News point out that Hannity's license plate reads "NOTGAY", proving that Sean cannot be gay. Perhaps the most convincing evidence against his alleged homosexuality, however, is that gay people can actually dress themselves and think rationally.

Hannity is the product of a recombinant genetic experiment conducted using the DNA of [[Ann Coulter], Rush Limbaugh and that guy that hangs out by Exit 14 on the Long Island Expressway wearing a sandwich board and preaching that the end-times are near. We know of his matrilineage because 'Sean Hannity' is an anagram of 'He's a tiny Ann'. Several have countered this theory, however, positing that Sean came into existence through a botched attempt by US military doctors to create someone so obnoxious they would make Donald Rumsfeld seem -on a comparative basis- like an actual human being. Although accounts vary it is generally believed that Hannity was created by taking DNA from past CIA Directer J. Edgar Hoover, putting the DNA through a special process to "get all that cross-dressing and gay part out" (clearly a failed procedure) and then injecting the Republican DNA into Ann Coulter's somewhat "vagina-like" pelvic orifice.

There may be possible evidence that Hannity may be related to George W. Bush due to his squinty eyes which bear a striking resemblance to the former Non-President G Dubya. Hannity did spend a substantial time in Texas and like Area 51 may have been temporarily absorbed by Bush. Rumor has it that Hannity likes Bush's famous requests for a "visor not an advisor". Other possibilties are that Hannity may be so drunk like so many Texans that he may be in fact adjusting his blurry vision before he gets whirlies and throws up on the shoes of his sometime gay lover Bill O'Reilly. Because sometimes Lance Armstrong another fellow Texan and gay-drinking buddy is not in town. Because as all of you know we just can't all be bicycle homosexuals like Lance Armstrong and Jake Gyllenhall. They top the hypocritical homo heap!

Sometime in the late 1970's Sean emerged as we know him today, and shouted his very first words.

It was believed during the early 2000's that there were two Sean Hannity’s. However, as proven by Stephen Hawking, it is impossible for the universe to contain two closet cases of the same density and bullshit. Luckily, the world only has to deal with one asshole.

Hannity dropped out of New York University and Adelphi University to pursue his broadcasting career. That's no joke; millions of people who receive their moral and economic advise take it from someone who never even finished his college education.

Sean isn't a journalist, he just plays one on T.V. He is a New York Times best selling author, which is god damn astounding considering his devout followers are completely illiterate. His works include, "How could I be gay, I totally fucked American politics, and it has huge tits" , "Liberals are complete fags, I'm not", and the lesser known "I remember when a man could fuck another mans tight asshole and no one thought it was gay: A Christmas Story".

edit Life as an Altar Boy

Bouncywikilogo6
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sean Hannity.
“Oh father, forgive you, you have sinned.”
~ Sean Hannity on after having sex with priest, 1974

A devout Catholic, Sean spent most of his childhood as an altar boy at St. Paul's Cathedral in New York. It was while there at the age of 7, Sean lost his virginity to the shemale nun. The torrid affair continued until Sean was 14 and became "too old" for the job. Sean gladly recalls those days as "the best days of my life," and insists that he did all the cocksucking, and the tranny nun closed his eyes and thought of Liza Minelli, he remains staunchly heterosexual.

"Kids these days are always having babies at a young age," said Sean in 2001, "That kind of thing never happened in my day, especially not in my religious family." Added Hannity, "I'm not gay. Not even a little."

He also appeared in some amateur German scat movies while dressed in a leather nazi outfit. He did this to earn extra cash when he got expelled from NYU for beating up a lesbian who chose to have an abortion after she got raped. Sean Hannity told the disciplinary review board that he was acting for the god, Xenu, because god hated dykes and abortion. There was also some speculation that he was exchanging sexual favors with a male professor to earn a C- in a science class. Hannity acknowledges this allegation, stating numerous times that the rumor is "entirely plausible; in fact, absolutely true."

edit Rise to the Top

Hannity graduated in 1980 from St. Pius X Preparatory Seminary high school, located in Uniondale, New York. Hannity dropped out of New York University and Adelphi University. He later decided to pursue a radio career. Although every radio station across America turned him down because he "didn't know what the hell he was talking about", he was able to shout at an unplugged microphone until it was broadcast across the world. Sean's initial broadcast insulted only liberals, gays, Jews, Muslims, minorities, people with consciences, people who use logic, the literate, black people, and rock musicians. Hannity would later resolve to expand the number of people he could insult feeling he was only hitting a small number of the current possible demographic.

edit Hannity's dialectical chops

“If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.”
~ Yogi Berra on Sean Hannity
Sean with Headphones black polo

Hannity's fame and fortune increased dramatically when he devised an unbeatable and universal retort, which is capable of stripping away the disguise of all sniveling, back-stabbing, terrorist-appeasing, Osama-sucking collaborators who dare step into the debating circle with him. Delivered at any point during a debate (or ideally, after the debate has ended), Hannity will loosen the belt, cock a leg, and let it fly: "Why Do You Hate America?TM" BAM! Big-L Liberals instantly catch fire, and Socrates himself is spontaneously resurrected just to shit his pants in awe. In fact, since Socrates is a liberal, his shit also turns into a smoldering ball of flame as well. The Centers for Disease Control has classified this so-called "Hannity Steamer" as a Class 4 Bio-Hazard, a designation previously only obtained by the putrid jockstrap where Rush Limbaugh hid his Oxycontin.

Artie Lange once attempted to reply with, "I love America, it's you I hate, you stupid Nazi!" However, this only resulted in half of Lange's leg being blown off. Hannity then brought out a homeless man with HIV who then had hot gay unprotected ass sex with Hannity's tight, unfunny rectum. The homeless man then licked Lange's wounds, thus healing them. This has been called the "The Miracle of the Homeless Dude Who Fucked Hannity's Tight Unfunny Rectum."

Hannity has claimed in the past that he is not gay, even though one of his books features a detailed explanation of fisting and even though pictures recently obtained but withheld from print by the Weekly World News allegedly revealed gerbils emerging from behind his scrotum. Hannity claims that he was just doing his part for PITA by providing some poor, homeless rodents a place to live, but an anonymous source quoted in the article said Hannity told him, "the gerbils embolden [my] rectal cavity so puppet masters like Mark Levine may slide their forearms in and puppet me with their Nazi political dribble. It's a whole lot easier than reading from tele-prompters."

Hannity is married so people don't dare call him queer even though his closet-busting is coming and will be celebrated by many of his contemporaries who have a contemptuous opinion of him. The short list to the party is reported to include DICK Cheney, Mouth Latrine, Glen Peckerhead (peck), Flush Limpwrist and some other insignificants.

edit The menace of "these people"

edit And how we can protect our business interests from them, while still having time for golf.

Hannity has been known to dispel the myths of liberal agenda by bringing Ann Coulter on his show and making racial slurs for separate ten minute segments. Because of reality's liberal bias Sean Hannity was always at a disadvantage even on his own show where high profile Democrats like Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and Bill O'Reilly constantly challenge his ideals.

edit Now, more than ever, we must work together to move forward for a better tomorrow

edit By which time, it will be then, more than now, at which point we will have to move backward to a better yesterday!

Sigicon
Scene from Hannity's infamous "Bush: Warlord Of Space" sketch on Saturday Night Live.
“When will then be now?”
~ Dark Helmet on the starship Spaceball One

Hannity's signature catch phrases such as "You have to understand that these people can't be understood!", "I am the most humble man there is!", "Can I please get someone to violate my hilarious, tight rectum?" and "The most comprehensive coverage on your radio dial!" have entertained hundreds and baffled thousands more with their self-contradicting nature.

edit Tilted Head

Hannity suffers from a very rare bone disorder (known as Spinal Retardiconservitalism) that tilts his head to the right and often completely horizontal. Often only seen off camera, the disorder has caused Hannity's view points and words to be skewed and fall off the right side of his face. On the book cover above, the image was flipped to show that Hannity still has no support for the smarter half of the political sphere. Having his head tilted to one direction has often sparked some critics to call him "Slanthead".

Personal tools
projects