Hannibal Lecter

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Dr. Lecter's signature dish

Hannibal Lecter M.D. is a renowned Lithuanian psychologist and celebrity chef, who has gained fame for his healthy eating cruscades and bizarre personal tastes; he is a collector of art-deco and diagrams of internal organs.

edit History

edit Rise to Fame

Doctor Lecter first came to attention when he published a rhetorical paper on the beneficial effects of consuming human flesh. Although the assessment, as well as its approach to the taboo subject, were mainly recieved well, the paper became extremely controversial for reasons best summarised by a Professor Jefferey Winslow: "Although Lecter's paper is to be admired, he has failed to provide proof of these experiments which he has cited as proving that the human impulse center is boosted in the context of spontaneous homo-eratic anthropophagic behaviour. The price of this is a nosedive in credibility, I am afraid to say".

This problem caused a great deal of controversy and eventually Dr. Lecter responded to it with a formal apology. Days later several major campaigners against Dr. Lecter's paper were found dead with many of their internal organs partially consumed. Dr. Lecter remarked that his paper was never meant to be taken literally and he is shocked that readers decided to carry out those subjects touched upon in his paper. Upon investigation some of Dr. Lecter's DNA was found at the crime scene. An investigation was expected to follow this but the police in charge mysteriously disappeared.

edit Prime

"I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti"

Following the controversial paper, which was subsequently followed by several better-recieved reports on lessening the "stringy" qualities of human flesh, Lected was hired by a pay TV channel which cannot be named to host a special cooking show, entitled Someone's Cooking Something! With Hannibal Lecter. It did remarkably well in terms of profit and critical response, making over $70 per episode and attracting such high-profile guests as Family Matters's Darius McCrary and professional golfer Jason Dufner. As the show went on, Lecter's trademark became that in every episode he fed a guest a meal containing his "secret ingredient". Whenever asked about it, he would say his catchphrase "I'm afraid that if I tell you, you won't even try it." This was printed on T-shirts, posters and the walls of retirement homes. After some time hosting the show, Lecter "retired" and went back to his original career in psychology, as he said that he needed peace, quiet and secluded areas.

After this, Hannibal dabbled in acting, starting a short film carrer in which his most famous roles were playing Anthony Hopkins in the box office flop The Silence of the Lambs and Zorro's father in a series of Zorro films, which proved unsuccessful as Zorro refused to believe that Hannibal was his father. Hannibal Lecter was disowned by Zorro, and so decided to teach schoolchildren how to eat healthily. His campaign was televised by the little known MMR channel. He convinced several schoolchildren to eat marinated leg of man and reminded them that raw hamstrings make a porky high-fat cholesterol-laden snack. He was lambasted by a rival who criticized his every move, but the rival was later found dead after choking on his own marinated and incredibly delicious leg.

edit Novels

Lecter also built up a career as an author. His first book was an autobiographical novel entitled Maneater. Lecter claims that the title is used in a purely metaphorical sense. The book, written in 1994, details the more important aspects of Lecter's life, such as finding out Zorro was his son, eating people, his role in the Silence of the Lambs, eating people, the fate of his beloved dog Snuffles, eating people, what (or who) he had for lunch last Tuesday and eating people. The book was a bestseller, which prompted Lecter to write a series of novels about a young cannibal called Harribal Pot, who goes to cook in the world-famous Bogwash Restaurant. However, a picky customer by the name of Lord Vegetarian-mort threatens to close down Bogwash. Harribal, with the help of his friends Ronald McWeasel and Hermarinated Legg, along with the morbidly obese Dogbreath and that old fart Bumrapebitch must defeat Lord Vegetarian-mort and his wicked meat-hating ways. To date, 13 books have been released in the series, including Harribal Pot and the Prisoner who Kept Eating Himself and Harribal Pot and the Half-Baked Prince, as well as the acclaimed Harribal Pot and the Dead Body.

edit Quotes

The designers fucked almost everything up here, including his name. Hannibal ate his own liver in disgust.

I am a recognized lecturer in the field of trauma-induced psychoses; I have contributed several art criticism articles to various esoteric magazines; I started a foundation to help cure Tourette's Syncrome, for Pete's sake! Yet all anyone seems to remember about me is that I occasionally feast on human flesh.

Visit Hannibal Lecter's Diner! Bring your friends and your enemies for dinner!

I could go for some Soylent Green right about now.

I'm so fucking proud of you.

-- the President of Lithuania

edit Tribute Bands

The Beatles released "I am the Walrus" as a tribute to the man that Hannibal Lecter is based on Ed Gein. Sitting on a cornflake is what Ed would do in thinking of new designs for his lamp stands. Yellow matter custard is describing a disgusting use of brains and custard. Climbing up the Eiffel tower was his last act of freedom before being imprisoned for life.

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