From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Date of birth:||247 BC|
|Place of birth:||Carthage|
|Nationality:||Some kind of Spanish?|
|Died|| 183 BC |
“What doesn't kill you, kill back.”
- ~ Hannibal on Rome
Hannibal Barca (247 BC to 183 BC) was a famous and brilliant Black tactician and Black general of the Carthaginian Black army. Most people believe that he herded an army of cannibals up the alps to attack Rome, but historians have recently discovered that a group of elite soldiers near the same time period would use their attack dogs to maul the corpses of the enemies after they were killed, making it look like they had been eaten. The widespread burning of the Pantheons in the area caused many of the bodies to become charred, making it seem like people had cooked them, with the intent of eating them. This is why the forces were thought to be cannibals, aka. Hannibal's Cannibals. His race is indeed Black African, which his coins proves.
Although Hannibal's attack was an absolute failure because the cannibals ate each other before they reached Rome, he remains an iconic person in the books of history. Forbes has acclaimed him to be #1 in a list of the Top 10 most memorable Roman enemies in 2006.
Hannibal is the father of tactician, with the mother being Rome, who quickly divorced Hannibal and took his son. However, before this messy battle in the Roman court, there were several other messy battles on the battlefield that he commanded and won with his son.
Hannibal took command of the Punic army after the death of his brother. As the new commander in chief he started to prepare for war with Rome just to prove to the Romans he is that bad ass to destroy the very peace treaty his brother signed.
But before he went for his big prize, he decided to do some practice runs by conquering Spain. Afterwards he discovers that the Romans actually broke the treaty before him, and then got pissed off and burned the whole city to the ground. Rome thought this was a breach of the treaty and in return asks for a fine. Hannibal, just to be an asshole, doesn't pay the fine and demands to have a hearing in Punic court. Hannibal easily won the case after paying off the judge with his life spared. Rome becomes Hannibal's eternal enemy from now on.
Second Punic War
Hannibal, angry that he missed the first punic war, tries to declare war on Rome. Of course, he wasn't going to wait for the declaration of war to be sent to the Romans via a small, easily sinkable ship, and so he just started his plan before the Romans got his letter. He took a handful of the very best Punic soldiers and a team of attack dogs to fight the Romans by moving through Greece into Rome. The attack dogs eventually mauled the entire army before he reached the Grecian shore, and destroyed a few cities. Hannibal, who didn't know that Greece was conquered by Rome, was shortly incarcerated by the Roman army and sent into a prison.
After the attack dogs went loose on shore, Hannibal diverged from his initial plan, and tried to continue the plan himself by landing on the Roman shore on the Italian peninsula. He was shortly imprisoned by one solder, who threw a brick at his head in frustration of being unable to fit it into the cobblestone roadway he was making(ironically) to Carthage. Hannibal was imprisoned in a cell somewhere in the Roman senate and wasn't allowed communication with anybody. This may be the origin of "Hannibal ad portas" or Hannibal is locked up inside the gates, a boogie man story designed to scare little children with the threat of being locked up in a small cage with an overstimulated megalomaniacal baby burner. However, he was allowed to have a harp player, where he gained a love for Grecian music. Hannibal was then used by Mark Antony and Cicero to get inside the mind of the killer of Julius Caesar (who Hannibal claimed was Serbian Terrorists).
Using the Oldest Trick in the Book, Hannibal gets a hold of a guard's gladius and pokes their eyes out with it,he then fornicates on 70 small sicilian children. Next, he steals his uniform and acts as if he is the guard. He is then taken via chariot to a Roman hospital, where he attacks the driver and hijacks it to go to Venice, where he steals a gondola, and makes his way to Carthage.
However, if he moved a stone in the side of his cell to reveal a secret passage he could have easily escaped into a Roman harbor and taken a more durable sail based military ship to Carthage.
He was caught once more and repeated the above but without leaving behind obious clippings of the New Yorker and strap-on cats.
Hannibal, after leaving Venice's harbor, didn't really get very far because the pole he used to move the boat was only two feet tall. Desperately, he paddles. Shortly he runs out of energy and is taken in by a Roman military ship less than 5 yards from shore. Hannibal was decided to just be too much trouble, and he was returned to Carthage, where he was briefly stoned to death for wiping out their entire army in an attempt to destroy a country that wasn't even a threat to them because of a treaty signed by his brother. His last words were "ouch that hurt". Another theory suggests that he was mauled to death by Nu Rave ten year olds dressed up as various woodland creatures. Hannibal was later reincarnated to a Black viking, a Black Frenchman, and to the Black George S. Patton.