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A handgun after firing.

“Happiness is a warm gun”
~ Noel Coward on Handgun

A handgun is a particularly unlethal firearm. It consists of a human hand contorted to mimic the shape of a gun, using the thumb to form the bullet chamber and the index and middle fingers to form the barrel. Noted for its accuracy and efficiency, it is thought that 99% of the world's population have used the weapon at some point in their lives, and yet not a single injury has been incurred through its use, making it the safest weapon in history.


Sizes and shape varies from gun to gun, as does the noise which occurs at the moment the imaginary bullet leaves the chamber. This can range from the basic "pchoo!" to the Wild Western tinged "pyeeeouww!" but is invariably loud and unnerving.

The single greatest quality of the handgun is its capability to hold an infinite amount of ammunition: hundreds of rounds can be fired constantly and instantaneously. The end of a magazine comes whenever the wielder sees fit, or whenever they require a breath of air to refuel the noise chamber.

The handgun can also produce very rapid fire rates, with capabilities of firing up to ten shots per second per single firearm. Its relative low cost and ease of use means it is a very effective weapon during wartime. Indeed, Allied forces relied heavily on the weapon during World War I and it is estimated that as many as twenty thousand casualties were inflicted using the handgun during the great conflict, though these all consisted of Germans clutching their chests and shouting "arrrgh" and rolling around on the ground. It was only afterwards that they were shot for real.

Varieties of Handgun


Diagram detailing the typical handgun

There are many different types of handgun which vary in design. The double-action handgun is the most popular version, but the less common single-action can be distinguished by the cocking of the thumb to indicate reloading of the chamber. There also exist many larger varieties requiring the use of two hands to operate, known as 'machine' pistols. They are operated by placing the forehand on the front handle which contains the trigger. The other hand grips rear handle, used to control the direction of the shot. They are distinguished by their distinctive sound: a constant 'rat-a-tat-tat-a-tat', and are most commonly owned by Bruce Willis and his disciples.

The shotgun variety is sometimes seen. Generally mounted in a back holster, they are without exception pump-action models, spotted by their distictive cocking action and accompanying sound. Interestingly, these models are often seen to have significant recoil.

Only rarely seen is the hand-RPG launcher, which is shoulder-mounted. Despite its size, it is next to weightless due mainly to the fact that its molecules are bonded with helium in its creation; this means that even small children can operate it without difficulty. Inertial dampers are fitted as standard which complete remove any recoil, although the bracing position (one leg forward, one behind) is mandatory. RPG's are laser-guided and often heat-seeking, meaning a 100% accuracy rate, and their effectiveness is limited only by the well-known Noise/Destruction ratio - so the louder the bang made, the greater the carnage. Studies have shown that the most effective sound is BLABLABLAKABOOOOM! - however the launcher must be immediately discarded to the ground in order to leave the arms free to describe with big circles the size of the ensuing fireball.

Since the Pegg Treaty of 1998, those who find themselves in the firing arc of a hand-RPG launcher are allowed the use of slow-motion in order to escape, provided the leap and roll are suitably balletic.

Licensing and Laws

The handgun is currently the only gun which does not require a license, as its use is so common. All past attempts at licensing have proved impractical. Early attempts were rejected on the basis that cutting off every individual's hand is simply neither feasible or ethical. In more recent times, the United States' anti-handgun campaign, which used the slogan "removing handguns from our streets" proved highly ineffective and inadvertedly led to increased handgun-related casualties, owing to widespread mental confusion. Of the 4,500 handgun deaths in the country in 2003, 93% were members of the anti-gun squad, and none of them did the falling over bit so it wasn't so much fun anyway.

The conclusion drawn from these projects was that a handgun owner should never be provoked in the slightest. Failure to adhere to this will result in a messy argument and lots of rolling on the ground.


There are many ways of utilising the handgun as a weapon of mass destruction. The most simple of these and the most commonly employed is the plain single-fire useage. The gun is cocked with a click, before it is pointed in the general direction of the target (the accuracy of the weapon will ensure the bullet finds it). The customary firing noise is then implemented. There is usually no recoil, but there is normally an exaggerated jerking action of the arm as the 'bullet' leaves the chamber.

Also an integral part to the successful implementation of the firearm is the super-fast draw. The individual brings the weapon up from a position just above the waist pointing downwards out of its 'holster' and fired at the target in one continuous motion. Handgun showdowns regularly take place in back-alleys, inner-city public houses and public libraries, but impromptu shoot-outs are liable to take place literally anywhere. It is therefore not uncommon to see two individuals engaging in a showdown on the local high street over the last pie at Hampson's. When engaged in such a 'High Noon' style shootout, one one handgun per combatant is permitted, and the other hand must be held palm-downwards over the weapon, then tapped repeatedly on the hammer in order to increase the rate of firing. After the initial shots are fired, another handgun may be drawn, as the destruction is more widespread when multiple handguns are used in conjunction. Whilst decreasing the accuracy slightly, the firing rate is dramatically improved.

See Also

Handgun Firearms
Handgun | Machine gun | Staple gun | Kidney Stone Gun | Raygun | AK-47 | AKM | M16 | Bananas | Anti aircraft gun | Rifle
Fist with index finger and thumb extended | Guns 'n Roses
Firearms that don't exist, but should

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