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      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Han Solo?
     Well, we have realised the Chinese Demographic do not have any Nostalgia for the Star Wars Brand. So here is a completely different, totally independent, Space Smuggler for the Big Screen.

Ranger Solo (known as 遊俠獨奏) - not to be confused with the famous Han Solo[1] - is the main character in an Chinese-dubbed American film 2018 film of the same name. He is a space smuggler who illegally flies highly dangerous chemicals, nukes and exotic animals from A to B for a small fee. While it was a hard-going solo act for his early years, he was joined by an oversized Werewolf Chu-Yi (毛茸茸的人). They made some sweet space bucks, before becoming largely in debt to a Capitalist Slug Jab-Na. Ranger is a proud owner of the Ace Falcon, a re-purposed space-worthy battle cruiser that originally had been built as a kamikaze vehicle for some unknown war. His life was filled with many adventures and poor decisions, but his death was one of saddest historical moments in Chinese Popular Culture.

Early YearsEdit

ChildhoodEdit

Solo - again, not related at all to Star Wars - came from the dominant Chinese Han Clan and was born in the Year of Horse[2] with Type AB Blood[3]. His dad was a Taoist Salaryman who worked hard at the local mining company. Solo's Tiger Mom was a terrible influence on his attitudes towards academics in general, despite this he performed well at school. During his long winter breaks on Ta-To-Win he would do cargo runs with the Ore Freighters, monitoring the ship's autopilot just in case the weather got hairy. One day, Solo noticed that if he piloted it manually, he could fly it higher and faster. This got the attention of Air Traffic Control and nearly got him killed thanks to being an unregistered spaceship at high altitude. After seeing his grace with dodging several anti-aircraft missiles, a Space Ranger by the name of Fong Damnron gave him a Scholarship to study for the Space Ranger Corp.

Space Ranger Corp (空間別動隊公司)Edit

The Space Ranger Corp was an organisation similar to Park Rangers, their job consists of stopping space travellers from harming others and themselves in space. They also act as a inter-planetary customs, insuring you don't introduce space mites and contraband. Ranger Solo quickly surpassed his cohort and become an adequate man for the job. The job being a hard-line customs officer and it was here that Solo learnt the ins and outs of how to correctly hide goods in your ship and your cavities. Then a terrible galaxy-wide opium epidemic caused several planet lockdowns to stop the spread further. The Rangers, including Solo thought that the brand of tea was just a mere ancient herbal remedy and not something that could be smoked. The unexpected drug high was confirmed when numerous Space Ranger incarcerated the goods and begun uncontrollably laughing their asses off. First Chinese Galactic Emperor Pala Tin, unhappy with the public outcry against the Space Ranger Corp, downsized Ranger's Solo unit and left his family in disgrace.

Smuggling YearsEdit

Chu-Yi Appears!! Is he friend?Edit

“Punch it Chu-Yi!”
~ Ranger Solo's signature phrase when he needs to break through a door or safe.

While serving time in an overcrowded Galactic Prison[4] for getting intoxicated on drugs while on duty Ranger Solo was on his own. While midway through the daily routine of assembling weapons for the Mighty Space Army, Ranger Solo got pulled into a fight with other inmates. Some aliens were picking one man-beast, who due to poor productivity had had his cigarettes withheld along with his rice and pork portions being slashed. Ranger Solo yelled "Don't get Cocky kids!", drawing the nearby guards' attention and pulled them away to another long of hour of reciting Imperial propaganda. The man-beast introduced himself as Chu-Yi and as means of thanks, swore a life-long blood debt(血债). They decided to enter into a partnership to respectably restore their family's honour after finishing their sentences[5]. Chu-Yi would use many of his skills to help achieve this, such as transforming between a man and a werewolf as well as the audience's personal favourite, growling seductively.

Restoring Family HonourEdit

“I'm getting a team together, not a super-hero team...more of an 'The Adventurers' sort.”
~ Tobias Beckett, one of Ranger's Fired Comrades referencing the Chinese's Oceans 11.

After leaving prison, the Punished Ranger Unit realised that no one was receiving a their entitled benefit payout due not accumulating enough years at the Corp. So they went to Cloud Nine's casino to raise money to donate to some struggling charities in an attempt to restore their family honour. They ended up losing even more money and most of them had gotten shanked or had their organs sold off. Solo and Chu-Yi had bided their time for a business Guanxi (关系) event at the a casino. Betting that since all the rich businessman have to down at least a beer, some wine and a hard liquor shot of maota, they would be able to pickpocket their way to financial gain. The scheme went well, until drunken businessman Lan-Do saw they were loaded and challenged them to a classic game of open-face Chinese Poker. After a couple of low-stake rounds, Ranger bet his non-existent Junk[6]-class ship against Lan-Do's Ace Falcon to potentially escape the authorities after someone would call in their robbery. Lan-Do blacked-out from drinking before the round was over, so Ranger "completed" it for him and immediately bailed. After anonymously cashing-in a large majority to charity, they were offered a space-trucker job. At first Ranger and Chu-Yi thought they were delivering food banks to hungry families, but it then turned out to be a front for a particularly shaded black market network. The organisation, headed by Jab-Na the Slug, gave them all sorts of jobs and eventually the duo made enough money to send back to their parents to support them.

Great Kessal Silk Road Run: Big Ship Go Go Go!Edit

Jab-Na was extremely impressed with the duo's efforts to transport goods and gave them a small loan as a show of gratitude. This loan came with stipulations and required them to give Jab a 40% cut of each haul. Most of the loan went into repairing the Ace Falcon, but Chu-Yi needed some for his smokes. At first, it was easy as they weren't being pursued by the Empire but it changed rapidly. The Ranger and Chu-Yi's risk level was reclassified due to their apparent affiliation with the Terracotta Rebellion Movement. The partners in crime needed a haul that could set them up until the heat on them died down. After an extensive investigation, they settled on the Planet Kessal, as it had[7]the Largest Spice Mines located closest to the patrolled boarder. Posing as Michelin Chefs, the Ranger and Chu-Yi arrived to take the spices and billed it to a fake credit card. Being so remote, the Kessal Station bulked processing payments which had to be transmitted to an off-world bank. Once loaded, the Ace Falcon would attempt to follow a theoretical path made by the Empire as solution to a Trade Blockade to escape the authorities. Escaping with such spices was a game to many smugglers - who called it the Kessal Silk Road Run - but increasing security had put a stop to this speed-running. The Ace Falcon only made it about halfway through on this supposed unknown path meant to bypass board patrol. Upon recognising that the Custom Officers voices were the "Througha Brotha's" over the radio when they were pulled over, Ranger Solo dumped all of the spices into deep space to avoid more jail time.

Space War YearsEdit

Old Man Pays WellEdit

Jab-Na, angry that that the job was blotched, decided to get his money back by getting hitman Ji Do to intimidate the Ranger. He found Solo at a local bar, Ji Do unreasonably waved his gun around during negotiations and was promptly kicked in alien balls under the table, then shot in the head by Solo. After celebrating with some strippers, an old hermit showed up and asked him to take him off-world to check on his friend's daughter. He offered the amount that the Ranger would need to cover the debt with Jab-Na. Chu-Yi thought that the hermit could've lived out in the harsh hostile desert environment with out dying, that had enough cash tucked away for the thousands of cans of Wompa Repellent he'd need. So they travelled to their destination and found that everything was in order. The old man wrote out a cheque, which Solo mailed right away as he'd just fallen in love with the Princess who governed the planet. He figured his troubles were over, and the Princess Li-Ya thought she could stick it to her dad by marrying some low-life.

Ice Sculpture PunishmentEdit

Jab-Na tried the cheque out and was promptly told by the ATM to contact IT support, as he'd crumpled it up to fit in his pocket and the machine couldn't read it. Using his contacts dobbed him into the Empire's Debt Collectors so they could bring him in. The Ranger and Li-Ya were honeymooning on a remote arctic planet at the time and living it up at a ski resort. Chu-Yi arrived with the Princess father's cavalry to fight the Empire Forces. It began a rather unfortunate series of strange and unpredictable events which completely uprooted the Imperial Emperor's Control on every major galactic system. This is mostly explained to the Ranger after it occurred, as he was captured by Jab-Na with some gold that didn't fix the debt before being frozen. Jab-Na had a particular nasty punishment for anyone who didn't pay up, they'd just get drenched in water and placed in a freezer. This freezer doubled as a nice dinning area for posh guests to escape the desert planet's heat.

Retirement YearsEdit

Sad Marriage. Separate Ways.Edit

After Solo's marriage broke up, he joined the Space Triads to earn his retirement after his wife secured most of their finances. Chu-Yi still helped out and through insurance claims after strange string of workplace deaths violating health and safety, they got by.

Death: Bad Deal With Bad SonEdit

The rangers' son fell into some cult and Ranger ended up sacrificing himself to stop the return of some Xiao (mountain spirit). Due to all of the illegal shenanigans and families being displeased with the effect the show was having on their kid, Ranger ended up in Diyu[8] being sawn in half by demons for eternity.

  1. For context, the 2018 Han Solo movie was re-branded in China and called Ranger Solo, it is quite possible that this little point will have been forgotten by the public in future, making this entire article pointless.
  2. People born in this year on the Zodiac Calendar are warm and have a heart of gold, but to compensate they have a reckless spending habit and no persistence.
  3. The Blood Modifier in this case means that the Horse-born is wild and will take unnecessary risks
  4. Many inmates had been imprisoned just for disobeying the Emperor's Will in some minor way, having a family with more than one child, binding their child's feet and/or storing more than one ton of fireworks.
  5. Chu-Yi had been imprisoned on War Crimes some years earlier after killing Emperor's space soldiers, Solo never found about this.
  6. A Junk Ship is a an ancient sailing ship that is used by Chinese people, this is true. What is not true is that a sailing boat can be recognised as a valid method of space travel.
  7. Later on, the Mines were unfortunately destroyed when a refuelling ship burst and flooded the shafts. The pure raw spices mixed with the fuel to create the chemical compound Carboomium and couldn't be recovered.
  8. Or in English, the 18 Layers of Chinese Hell