Hampshire
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“Why is everything broken in this county?...”
~ Ashley Wakeling & Bradley Lowe on Kent
Hampshire is a large county in England, well-known for the production of ham products (may not contain ham). It is not remarkable for its large numbers of chavs - most counties have far too many - but for the remarkable situation that has existed since the 1940s between the said chavs and the remainder of the population, most of whom are dull, uptight, awfully middle-class, or dead. Or all of the above. However, two final strongholds against the chav epidemic still hold out: Lymington and New Milton, towns that nevertheless have ghettos filled with chavs. The Army has been contracted to firebomb this area ASAP. Many from the local populace have called for crucifixions to take place for chavs, either that or just nail their hand to a table with a rusty nail.
Contents |
[edit] The County
| |
| Motto: "Every little | |
| Official languages | English, Chav Speak, Gridder (Forest talk) |
| Established | 54 BC |
| Re-Established | 829 |
| Re-Re-Established | 1066 |
| Currency | Tesco vouchers magic mushrooms organic roadkill |
Hampshire is large and square by the standards of English counties insomuchas it is not very large or very square. In particular, it is not as large as Wyoming, or as square. Since Hampshire disowned its most pointless cities, Portsmouth, Southampton, Northampton and West Ham, its principal settlements can be considered to be Winchester, established in the 1st century as a retirement home, and Basingrad, which has been a landfill site for at least 8000 years (although its current, rapid growth started on the 17th of September, 1825, the exact date of invention of the railway station).
A deep-seated rivalry exists between the two, which has led to the county being effectively split into two factions: Eastleigh, Fareham and Andover support Basingrad, while Petersfield, King's Worthy and Bishop's Waltham are allied with Winchester. Thare are a few towns which. The major differentiator of Bishop's Waltham is that it is home to the great Anthony Barrow. Who else can save the town from Sainsburys but him. Ahhh...! do not support either side:
- Aldershot is held by the British Army.
- Beaulieu is too posh even for Hampshire, and as such exists as a principality in its own right; it is directly subject to HM the Queen.
- Farnborough does not exist.
- Alresford is a special case. See the relevant section for details.
[edit] Tourism
Many places in Hampshire are crowded by grockles, or tourists as they're more commonly known, mainly arriving in caravans and walking around like they own the place, which they often do after purchasing a couple of holiday homes and the odd badger den. Here are some notes from The Grockles Guide to Grockling by Derek Tiffin-Gridder:
- Contrary to popular belief, there are NO milfs in Milford-on-Sea.
- Contrary to popular belief, there are no bunnies in Chewton Bunny - playboy or otherwise. But an orange juice at Chewton Glen will set you back £5.
- Ringwood is still a disputed territory between Hampshire and Dorset - neither of them want it. You will be able to get a bus to the depot in Ringwood, however none make the return journey. Think of it as the Prisoner without the drugs.
- Bournemouth, whilst within the confines of Dorset, has been on loan to Hampshire since it was recorded in the Doomsday book. This is because Hampshire doesn't have any beaches. Well, at least not proper ones. Unless you count that bit of dirt down by the Blackwater river in Brockenhurst. Instead why not experience Hampshire's many marshy areas? We also have many bogs and were the first county to breed cows to eat mud instead of grass.
- Lymington is a great place to pick off other grockles (tourists) with high-powered sniper rifles as the locals do, hang out with the odd poltergeist, do grotty yachtie things, speak in Lymingtonian (which is kind of like a West-country Cockney as its main use is for criminal purposes) and watch young boys on bikes breaking their necks by jumping off an Iron Age monument named Buckland Rings.
- Andover, the great supporter of Blasingrad, is one of the great tourist attractions of the South (after Stonehenge and The Not-So-White Cliffs of Dover). Andover is home to: the Grumpiest Big Issue Seller in the World, many different supermarkets, The Intriguing Road Markings Club, and Andover Iron Age Museum. Also popular is the Shoot-a-Chav games arcade, and the train to Salisbury. It is most definitely not, as some people are lead to believe, in Southampton.
- Burley offers great oppurtunities for you to experience oldy-worldy speed bumps: donkeys. Burley's other navigation obstacles include tourists. The particular strain that affects burley consider cars to be yet another quaint form of wildlife that should be gawped at and possibly fed burgers and toffee.
- Blazingstoke invites you to watch hungover teenagers fall over repeatedly on its ice-rink. Or smash into small ginger children. And Blazingstoke kids are only ginger for one reason...
- Blackfield is actually black due to intense pollution by the gigantic cigarette/computer motherboard that is Fawley refinery. Local prophesies (mainly from Forest gypsies or cackers) states that one day Dick van Dyke will arive to clean the chi-mer-neys once and for all.
- New Milton is well worth a visit if you are looking to become depressed really quickly. It was set up as a leper colony in 1984 but has since fallen on hard times. The town’s comprehensive school, Arnewood, recently achieved a pass rate of 98% in car mechanics due to 98% of pupils having special needs and thus not being able to enter the national curriculum. The towns head councillor said recently “we are very proud and my Nissan Bluebird has never run so well!”
[edit] Geography & Geology
Hampshire essentially consists of three regions. The south-west of the county comprises large deposits of sand, forming the foundation for the New Forest (home to dozens of New Forest ponies). In the north and north-east, the landscape consists of ancient beds of rock, while the central region and the south-east are formed from intrusions of mud.
[edit] History
[edit] Conflict
In the 19th century, the economic power of Basingrad increased rapidly, and by the end of the century it rivalled that of Winchester. This caused some tension between the two, but major conflict was avoided for some years. However, in the mid-20th century, the vast numbers of chavs presented such a threat the the people of Winchester that war seemed inevitable. Neither side dared openly attack the other, but in 1950 military action was taken by Basingrad, resulting in the first of a series of minor wars and skirmishes.
[edit] Alresford War
| Battle of Jacklyns Lane | |
|---|---|
 The Land Rover driven by Reuben Forrester. | |
| Conflict: The War on Chavs | |
| Date: 25th June 1950 - 27th July 1953 | |
| Place: New Alresford | |
| Outcome: Inconclusive | |
| Combatants | |
| Tichborne | Brighton Hill Cranbourne Black Dam |
| Commanders | |
| Lt. Gen. Reuben Forrester | unknown |
| Strength | |
| Reuben His Land Rover | 1350 chavs 23 assorted chav cars |
| Casualties | |
| Slight damage to paintwork | 371 chavs 2 Ford Escorts 1 Vauxhall Corsa |
The first "proxy" battle between the City of Winchester and the Borough of Basingrad and Deane started on the 25th of June, 1950, when an army of 1,350 chavs attacked Alresford before dawn. Scallies, druggies, truants and other low-grade scum completely overran the north and central part of Alresford, backed by a barrage of poor-quality rap music from loudspeakers mounted on their Peugeot 106s. Resistance was at first very weak, but Tichborne's military leader Reuben Forrester, realising that the area risked being lost to pikey scum, went in with his Land Rover and made a valiant defence against the chavs. It seemed that he might be outmanoeuvred at one point (due to the chavs' skill in executing handbrake turns and donuts) but their badly-maintained Corsas and MkII Fiestas proved inferior to the enemy's military hardware. Lieutenant-General Forrester, who was subsequently awarded a gold ninjastar by the City Council, single-handedly killed 371 chavs but despite fighting the menace for over three years could not ultimately repel his enemy.
To this day Alresford is split; half of the town is retained by ordinary middle-class citizens, but the other half is held in the iron fist of the chav. They tend to dwell and burn things at the Sun Hill rec, which before the war was actually used by children to play ground games such as 'I can spin the fastest' and 'teasing smaller special kids', but the children have been chased away by pikeys with flick knives and novelty lighters. Even the nice corner shop closed down because of all the teenage mothers stealing their next meals while the unknown fathers got wankered at bus stops and woke up in ditches somewhere. If the mothers went to parties, they would end up swapping their children for a fag or a cheap shag to make them feel alive again.
The ordinary citizens, however, spend there time shopping and drinking cups of tea and coffee at Alresford's many coffee shops and going down the pub on a Friday night while the kids pop a pizza in the microwave and watch MTV till their parents wander home.
[edit] Alton Tesco Crisis
In 1959 chavs took control of the East Hampshire district council, based in Alton Towers, and over the next few years enacted changes unfriendly to the aging residents of Winchester. Large areas of council housing were built, benefits were increased 400%, and exports of cheap beer to the rest of the county abruptly ceased as the chavs drank it all. While the Winchester City Council did not initially wish to confront East Hampshire, in summer of 1962 lorries from Basingrad started delivering parts for a new Tesco supermarket to Alton. This would pose a major threat to Winchester, which decided to blockade the town. Roadblocks, overseen by retired policemen and former secret agents, were set up around Alton, and the railway service was permanently delayed. The chavs were shocked by this move, and threatened to attack several enemy cities. Winchester C.C. were well aware that the chavs could destroy almost any city in Hampshire if they were provoked, and after thirteen days of incredible suspense, the blockade was lifted.
Some time later the Tesco supermarket was built, and all the other shops went out of business.
[edit] Eastleigh War
The second, and most famous, proxy war between the powers of Winchester and Basingrad has its origins in the occupation of the old railway town of Eastleigh by Lib Dem forces in the 1940s. In 1945 the country was partitioned between the Conservatives and Labour, but the Lib Dems negotiated a settlement with the two factions to allow them to re-occupy the town. With the competing Labour influence removed, in 1963 chavs, yobs and football hooligans backed by the BNP launched a devastating series of coordinated attacks on the better-off neighbourhoods.
The Liberals fought back mercilessly, bombing council estates and blocks of flats with huge quantities of tea and crumpets. Huge casualties resulted, with appalling numbers of deaths occurring among innocent bystanders, but the nationalist mobs were undeterred. Lib Dem supporters were killed in vast numbers, leading to massive protests by hippies and students against the campaign. Eventually, in 1973, the Lib Dems pulled out completely from the conflict. The few middle class citizens in Eastleigh stood no chance and were overrun. Chavs assumed total control of the town in 1975 when they overran the Borough Council building. Since then, Eastleigh has opposed Winchester in almost every sphere of operations; shootings and muggings in the Winchester area are largely blamed on Eastleigh.
[edit] Leigh Park
Leigh Park is a housing estate just north of Portsmouth, notable for being the largest pile of shit this side of the pond. Leigh Park has had a tory for MP for the past hundred years, despite the fact that everyone in Leigh Park is poor, this may be due to the fact that most people that live there get arrested upon leaving 'their' house. The residents of Leigh Park have a qualification system that is also used in the near by area of Wecock Farm, ASBOs are taken by children between the ages of 5 and 7. The most popular sport in Leigh Park is Murder, this is closely followed by bank robbery and burning, extra points are awarded if the item burnt is a Hobo sleeping on a bench.
