Hampshire

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for New Hampshire?
“Why is everything broken in this county?...”
~ Ashley Wakeling & Bradley Lowe on Kent


Hampshire is a large county in England, well-known for the production of ham products (may not contain ham). It is not remarkable for its large numbers of chavs - most counties have far too many - but for the remarkable situation that has existed since the 1940s between the said chavs and the remainder of the population, most of whom are dull, uptight, awfully middle-class, or dead. Or all of the above. However, two final strongholds against the chav epidemic still hold out: Lymington and New Milton, towns that nevertheless have ghettos filled with chavs. The British Army has been contracted to firebomb this area ASAP. Many from the local populace have called for crucifixions to take place for chavs, either that or just nail their hand to a table with a rusty nail.

edit The County

Hampshire
Flag of Hampshire
Flag of Communist Hampshire
Motto: "Every little hurts helps"
Official language(s) English, Chav Speak, Gridder (Forest talk)
Established 54 BC
Re-Established 829
Re-Re-Established 1066
Currency Tesco vouchers magic mushrooms organic roadkill

Hampshire is large and square by the standards of English counties insomuchas it is not very large or very square. In particular, it is not as large as Wyoming, or as square. Since Hampshire disowned its most pointless cities, Portsmouth, Southampton, Northampton and West Ham, its principal settlements can be considered to be Winchester, established in the 1st century as a retirement home, and Basingrad, which has been a landfill site for at least 8000 years (although its current, rapid growth started on the 17th of September, 1825, the exact date of invention of the railway station).

A deep-seated rivalry exists between the two, which has led to the county being effectively split into two factions: Eastleigh, Fareham and Andover support Basingrad, while Petersfield, King's Worthy and Bishop's Waltham are allied with Winchester. Thare are a few towns which. The major differentiator of Bishop's Waltham is that it is home to the great Anthony Barrow. Anthony Barrow loves Bishops waltham. Who else can save the town from Sainsburys but him. Ahhh...! do not support either side:

  • Aldershot is was held by the British Army, but was recently taken over by retired regiments of Gurkhas.
  • Beaulieu is too posh even for Hampshire, and as such exists as a principality in its own right; it is directly subject to HM the Queen.
  • Farnborough does not exist.
  • Alresford is a special case. See the relevant section for details.
  • Havant, largely dim population, stands alone as Hampshire's premier source of chavs. Southampton is now beginning to contest this title, however, and rumours of World War 2.5 have surfaced. Always damp, best just to keep moving and pass through without stopping. Town Mayor is a horse.

edit Tourism

Many places in Hampshire are crowded by grockles, or tourists as they're more commonly known, mainly arriving in caravans and walking around like they own the place, which they often do after purchasing a couple of holiday homes and the odd badger den. Here are some notes from The Grockles Guide to Grockling by Derek Tiffin-Gridder:

  • Contrary to popular belief, there are NO milfs in Milford-on-Sea.
  • Contrary to popular belief, there are no bunnies in Chewton Bunny - playboy or otherwise. But an orange juice at Chewton Glen will set you back £5.
  • Ringwood is still a disputed territory between Hampshire and Dorset - neither of them want it. You will be able to get a bus to the depot in Ringwood, however none make the return journey. Think of it as the Prisoner without the drugs.
  • Bournemouth, whilst within the confines of Dorset, has been on loan to Hampshire since it was recorded in the Doomsday book. This is because Hampshire doesn't have any beaches. Well, at least not proper ones. Unless you count that bit of dirt down by the Blackwater river in Brockenhurst. Instead why not experience Hampshire's many marshy areas? We also have many bogs and were the first county to breed cows to eat mud instead of grass.
  • Lymington is a great place to pick off other grockles (tourists) with high-powered sniper rifles as the locals do, hang out with the odd old as fuck person in lymington(all of them), do grotty yachtie things, speak in Lymingtonian (which is kind of like a West-country Cockney as its main use is for criminal purposes) and watch young boys on bikes breaking their necks by jumping off an Iron Age monument named Buckland Rings.
  • Andover, the great supporter of Blasingrad, is one of the great tourist attractions of the South (after Stonehenge and The Not-So-White Cliffs of Dover). Andover is home to: the Grumpiest Big Issue Seller in the World, many different supermarkets, The Intriguing Road Markings Club, and Andover Iron Age Museum. Also popular is the Shoot-a-Chav games arcade, and the train to Salisbury. It is most definitely not, as some people are lead to believe, in Southampton.
  • Burley offers great oppurtunities for you to experience oldy-worldy speed bumps: donkeys. Burley's other navigation obstacles include tourists. The particular strain that affects burley consider cars to be yet another quaint form of wildlife that should be gawped at and possibly fed burgers and toffee.
  • Blazingstoke invites you to watch hungover teenagers fall over repeatedly on its ice-rink. Or smash into small ginger children. And Blazingstoke kids are only ginger for one reason...
  • Blackfield is actually black due to intense pollution by the gigantic cigarette/computer motherboard that is Fawley refinery. Local prophesies (mainly from Forest gypsies or cackers) states that one day Dick van Dyke will arive to clean the chi-mer-neys once and for all.
  • New Milton is well worth a visit if you are looking to become depressed really quickly. It was set up as a leper colony in 1984 but has since fallen on hard times. The town’s comprehensive school, Arnewood, recently achieved a pass rate of 98% in car mechanics due to 98% of pupils having special needs and thus not being able to enter the national curriculum. The towns head councillor said recently “we are very proud and my Nissan Bluebird has never run so well!”

edit Geography & Geology

Hampshire essentially consists of three regions. The south-west of the county comprises large deposits of sand, forming the foundation for the New Forest (home to dozens of New Forest ponies). In the north and north-east, the landscape consists of ancient beds of rock, while the central region and the south-east are formed from intrusions of mud.

edit History

edit Hampshire to 1066

Hampshire has been inhabited much longer than anyone cares to remember. The first human inhabitants were Neanderthals, who came over in around 12,000 BCE when, according to local legend, the Devil moved Hell a bit closer to Britain to reduce travel costs, thereby warming the place up and melting the ice that was the result of millions of years of rain and excessive Northernness of latitude. From these first settlers are all modern chavs descended, as borne out by recent genetic studies. These Proto-Chavs, as they are known to modern scholarship, were so disgustingly lower-class that the French Neanderthals dug the English Channel to keep them out. This was completed in around 6000 BCE. Cut off from the sound advice of the Europeans, the Proto-Chavs quickly burned down most of their trees and wiped out most of the native animal species, to such an extent that by 5000 BCE there was nothing left to eat and so the Proto-Chavs turned to cannibalism. They were so busy devouring each other they forgot to burn the New Forest, and this is why there are still trees in the New Forest to this day. In around 4000 BCE the Nazis took pity on them and introduced farming just in time to save the Chavs from extinction, along with a posh kind of pot. It was long believed that these pots represented a significant influx of people from the continent at this time, however new research suggests that in fact the Nazi invasion was very limited in scope and may not have taken place at all.

Shortly thereafter, some Hampshire Proto-Chavs were involved in the construction of the circus at Stonehenge, in response to blackmail from an indigenous tribe of Giants living in Dorset. In 2500 BCE however, according to local tradition, a young Hampshire Proto-Chav named Jack invaded Dorset and defeated the Giants by cutting down their prize beanstalk, whereupon the Chief Giant died of grief. While he was in Dorset, Jack killed a Spaniard who happened to be passing through on the grounds that he did not display a valid passport on demand. Going through his pockets afterwards, Jack found a metal dagger and decided to keep it. And so the Bronze Age began.

The Bronze Age was characterised by Proto-Chavs obeying the dictates of the Nazis, because they thought they were magicians because of their ability to work bronze, whereas this was in fact merely one manifestation of their innate Aryan brilliance at everything. However by 800 BCE the Proto-Chavs had had enough, and built little wooden forts on hills to keep the Nazis out and, when the Nazis tried to reconquer them, the Chavs threw sharpened sticks and slung stones at them until they ran off covering their golden Aryan heads. They then sued for peace, telling the Chavs that if they would let the Nazis live in peace alongside them, they would share the secret of their new discovery. And so the Iron Age began. This may be the origin of the traditional account of the Glorious Revolution, and is certainly why people from Hampshire are the best at everything even to this day, because of all that Aryan interbreeding.

Without the Nazis to tell them what to do, the Chavs soon fell to squabbling with one another, and eventually simply refused to speak to each other. They built more hillforts and hid in them, only coming out to work their fields and shit on them so that they could keep eating the stuff that grew on their shit. Around 300 BCE, a group of Neo-Pagans from Wales arrived in Hampshire, calling themselves Druids, and using cheap tricks, they soon convinced the Chavs that they could do magic and made them sacrifice their friends to the Gods for their amusement. From these Druids it is said are descended all modern Conservatives. Around 150 BCE, a band of warriors arrived from the continent called themselves the Atrebates and asking for shelter, however they then betrayed the Chavs and turned them into slaves. It was only after this that the Chavs found out that in fact the Atrebates were Belgians and they should never have trusted them in the first place. In 54 BCE Julius Caesar, defeated by the men of Kent, invaded Hampshire instead. The poor Hampshire Chavs, with only Belgians to lead them, were crushed in several battles, and Hampshire was conquered. The Belgians too were now slaves just like the Chavs, which the Chavs thought was pretty fair and so they allowed the Romans to stay. This date marks the arbitrarily selected end-date for the era of Prehistory.

After defeating the Belgians, Julius Caesar turned central-Southern England into the county of Hampshire, which means "Land of Ham" in Latin on account of the large numbers of pigs Caesar thought he saw in many areas, such as the New Forest, Andover and Portsmouth. In fact what he was really seeing were Druids in disguise, as ham is and has always relatively rare in Hampshire, somewhat counter-intuitively. It is thought that this may be on account of its name; for pigs are very intelligent creatures, and so, upon hearing the name "Hampshire", they are led into believing that such will be their fate if they go there, and so they avoid the county entirely. As such it is in fact the Druids' fault that pigs are not to be found in Hampshire, which may in part explain why Christianity was so successful in this area. Caesar took over the old Belgian capital and built Roman buildings there, before returning to Rome. The Chavs were then left to govern themselves for a few years, happily pretending to be Romans without actually being Roman, until in 43 CE the Emperor Claudius invaded again and so pissed them off that they decided they didn't like the Romans after all. In 60 CE the men of Hampshire sided with Queen Boudicca of Norfolk in The Great Chav Rebellion, however they were finally defeated and went back to Hampshire dejected. The Druids, who were by this time rapidly evolving into the middle class to avoid being executed for their nasty habit of sacrificing people for fun, profited from this to pin the blame on the Chavs, claiming that they had been loyal all along, when in fact they had stirred up the revolt in the first place, but the Romans swallowed it because they didn't really give a shit and gave them lots of wine and hot baths, which pissed off the Chavs no end. This partly explains why from around the year 200 the Chavs started developing many of their modern favourite past-times; burning rich people's houses and generally screwing them over.

This violence escalated throughout the next 300 years until eventually the Romans got tired of failing to keep order and told them all to fuck off in 410 CE. This brought the Chavs and the middle class to their senses, and they both begged the Romans to come back, but it was to no avail. They realised they were going to have to protect themselves, because the Irish, the Scots and the Saxons were all raiding and invading across the whole of England; unfortunately the social tensions were too great, the two classes were unable to agree who should be in charge, and fell back to squabbling. It was in this political climate that King Arthur came to the throne. He built a big round table in Winchester and made all the Chavs and middle class people sit down together and talk things over. Then he pulled a sword from a stone, lost it in a bet, found a new one in a pond, and beat the Saxons back out of England. All was going well, until Arthur was tragically murdered by his son Mordred. Mordred was then lynched by the Chavs, however the middle class condemned this act, arguing that the death penalty was barbaric and should be abolished; this led to a renewed period of tension and social upheaval, so great in fact that the Chavs forgot how to use pi and starting building rectangular houses instead.

Finally, in 495 CE, a noble Chav emerged with the power and vision to lead Hampshire out of the Dark Ages. His name was Cerdic. He was actually middle class, but in order to avoid taking sides, he pretended he was a Saxon instead. This also helped him trick real Saxons into joining him, and he quickly got himself a massive army with which he then proceeded to conquer Hampshire. He wanted to call his new kingdom "Cerdicland", but the Saxons would have none of it, and made him call it "West Saxon Land" - or Wessex for short. Wessex included a number of neighbouring counties to the West as well, mostly inhabited by sheep-shaggers and/or other inbred rustics. The rustics of Hampshire never really got into sheep-shagging, as most of them lived in the New Forest, where sheep are not very common and they learnt long ago that ponies kick. Cerdic had lots of kids, conquered a few more sheep-shaggers, and then died.

He was succeeded by his son, who did a bit more, and then his son, who did a bit more, so you get the picture, until Wessex was the most powerful kingdom in England. All this time the Chavs stayed quiet, because they were trying to learn English in order to get all the extra housing benefits that the immigrant Anglo-Saxons got. (Some of them didn't think this was fair, and so they founded the BNP.) In the end though the Chavs and the Anglo-Saxons mixed together, and the Anglo-Saxons being of Nazi Aryan origin, this made the men of Hampshire even better at everything. So good in fact, that when the Vikings overran the rest of England, it was the Hampshire-born King of Wessex Alfred the Great who was the only one who could beat them. Unfortunately he died, and the Vikings then overran Wessex too, but the Anglo-Saxon Chavs quickly drove them out again, and then followed it up by conquering the whole of the rest of England too. They were feeling pretty good about themselves at this point, so in 1066 Vikings from Norway invaded again, up in Northumbria. The king, King Harold, beat them at the Battle of Stamford Bridge, but then William the Bastard from Normandy invaded Kent. Harold raced back South, only to find that he had left most of his army behind because not all of them could afford sports cars. The story goes that while he was looking to the North to try and see where on earth his army had got to, a Norman arrow hit him in the arse, killing him instantly. A variant story is that the arrow hit his eye, but this seems like an attempt to cover up the embarrassing truth and can be safely dismissed. One interesting alternative put forward by the historical team at The Elder Scrolls suggests that in fact King Harold did not die, but simply took an arrow to the knee and had to retire to become a palace guard instead. Either way, Wessex was defeated at the Battle of Hastings, and William the Conqueror took over Hampshire.

edit The Middle Ages

This section requires expansion.

edit From the Age of Communism to the Present Day

In the 19th century, the economic power of Basingrad increased rapidly, and by the end of the century it rivalled that of Winchester. This caused some tension between the two, but major conflict was avoided for some years. However, in the mid-20th century, the vast numbers of chavs presented such a threat the the people of Winchester that war seemed inevitable. Neither side dared openly attack the other, but in 1950 military action was taken by Basingrad, resulting in the first of a series of minor wars and skirmishes.

edit Alresford War

Battle of sexy magic bus lane
Gunlandy
The Land Rover driven by Reuben Forrester.
Conflict: The War on Chavs
Date: 25th June 1950 - 27th July 1953
Place: New Alresford
Outcome: Inconclusive

=Tichborne

Combatants
United Popely
Cranbourne
Black Dam Tichborne

Bournemouth Drug addicts

some chav with smart price tesco lager
Commanders
Lt. Gen. Reuben Forrester Gn. Gordon the Tramp
Strength
Reuben
His Land Rover
1350 chavs
23 assorted chav cars
Casualties
Slight damage to paintwork 371 chavs
2 Ford Escorts
1 Vauxhall Corsa
10 Argos gold chains

The first "proxy" battle between the City of Winchester and the Borough of Basingrad and Deane started on the 25th of June, 1950, when an army of 1,350 chavs attacked Alresford before dawn. Scallies, druggies, truants and other low-grade scum completely overran the north and central part of Alresford, backed by a barrage of poor-quality rap music from loudspeakers mounted on their Peugeot 106s. Resistance was at first very weak, but Tichborne's military leader Reuben Forrester, realising that the area risked being lost to pikey scum, went in with his Land Rover and made a valiant defence against the chavs. It seemed that he might be outmanoeuvred at one point (due to the chavs' skill in executing handbrake turns and donuts) but their badly-maintained Corsas and MkII Fiestas proved inferior to the enemy's military hardware. Lieutenant-General Forrester, who was subsequently awarded a gold ninjastar by the City Council, single-handedly killed 371 chavs but despite fighting the menace for over three years could not ultimately repel his enemy.

To this day Alresford is split; half of the town is retained by ordinary middle-class citizens, but the other half is held in the iron fist of the chav. They tend to dwell and burn things at the Sun Hill rec, which before the war was actually used by children to play ground games such as 'I can spin the fastest' and 'teasing smaller special kids', but the children have been chased away by pikeys with flick knives and novelty lighters. Even the nice corner shop closed down because of all the teenage mothers stealing their next meals while the unknown fathers got wankered at bus stops and woke up in ditches somewhere. If the mothers went to parties, they would end up swapping their children for a fag or a cheap shag to make them feel alive again.

The ordinary citizens, however, spend there time shopping and drinking cups of tea and coffee at Alresford's many coffee shops and going down the pub on a Friday night while the kids pop a pizza in the microwave and watch MTV till their parents wander home.

edit Alton Tesco Crisis

In 1959 chavs took control of the East Hampshire district council, based in Alton Towers, and over the next few years enacted changes unfriendly to the aging residents of Winchester. Large areas of council housing were built, benefits were increased 400%, and exports of cheap beer to the rest of the county abruptly ceased as the chavs drank it all. While the Winchester City Council did not initially wish to confront East Hampshire, in summer of 1962 lorries from Basingrad started delivering parts for a new Tesco supermarket to Alton. This would pose a major threat to Winchester, which decided to blockade the town. Roadblocks, overseen by retired policemen and former secret agents, were set up around Alton, and the railway service was permanently delayed. The chavs were shocked by this move, and threatened to attack several enemy cities. Winchester C.C. were well aware that the chavs could destroy almost any city in Hampshire if they were provoked, and after thirteen days of incredible suspense, the blockade was lifted.

Some time later the Tesco supermarket was built, and all the other shops went out of business.

edit Eastleigh War

The second, and most famous, proxy war between the powers of Winchester and Basingrad has its origins in the occupation of the old railway town of Eastleigh by Lib Dem forces in the 1940s. In 1945 the country was partitioned between the Conservatives and Labour, but the Lib Dems negotiated a settlement with the two factions to allow them to re-occupy the town. With the competing Labour influence removed, in 1963 chavs, yobs and football hooligans backed by the BNP launched a devastating series of coordinated attacks on the better-off neighbourhoods.

The Liberals fought back mercilessly, bombing council estates and blocks of flats with huge quantities of tea and crumpets. Huge casualties resulted, with appalling numbers of deaths occurring among innocent bystanders, but the nationalist mobs were undeterred. Lib Dem supporters were killed in vast numbers, leading to massive protests by hippies and students against the campaign. Eventually, in 1973, the Lib Dems pulled out completely from the conflict. The few middle class citizens in Eastleigh stood no chance and were overrun. Chavs assumed total control of the town in 1975 when they overran the Borough Council building. Since then, Eastleigh has opposed Winchester in almost every sphere of operations; shootings and muggings in the Winchester area are largely blamed on Eastleigh.

edit Leigh Park

Leigh Park is a housing estate just north of Portsmouth, notable for being the largest pile of shit this side of the pond. Leigh Park has had a tory for MP for the past hundred years, despite the fact that everyone in Leigh Park is poor, this may be due to the fact that most people that live there get arrested upon leaving 'their' house. The residents of Leigh Park have a qualification system that is also used in the near by area of Wecock Farm, ASBOs are taken by children between the ages of 5 and 7. The most popular sport in Leigh Park is Murder, this is closely followed by bank robbery and burning, extra points are awarded if the item burnt is a Hobo sleeping on a bench.

Leigh Park park is a major source of spare parts for Ford Cortinas and Ford Capris, available to order from various spare part "suppliers".

Although Leigh Park has no formal gang system, tribal lines are traditionally drawn broadly in-line with the school catchment areas.

Historically the greatest rivals were Broomfield and Wakeford comprehensives. (St. Trinians was modeled on Broomfield with the greatest excesses having been toned down.)

At the height of the “school wars” Broomfield acquired a semi-automatic rifle. So dismayed were the school governors that they issued a statement decrying the low standards to which the school had sunk.

Responding to this criticism the schools PTA (Part time assassins) held a sponsored flick knife throwing contest, raising enough money to be able to donate a FULLY automatic rifle, an Italian made Fucile FAL BM 59, to the school.

School gangs held the annual “Park Parade” where school colours are paraded through the local shopping area. Broomfield's pupils gathering outside of Gregg's while Wakeford choose Iceland.

The ensuing food fight is invariably won by Wakefords. The harder iced up food items proving more than a match for the softer more succulent Gregg's offerings.

Personal tools
projects