Halifax (England)

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This article is about the town in West Yorkshire. For the Canadian Halifax that copied the name, see Halifax, Nova Scotia.
“Someone there once asked me if they could push my stool in...I haven't walked properly since”
731px-Nagasaki temple destroyed

Halifax Town Hall, with Beacon Hill in the background.

Halifax is an industrial town in West Yorkshire, England, with a population of approximately 82,000 people, 25,000 sheep, a fact which has allowed Halifax to serve as the major centre of England's wool industry since the 15th century.

The name Halifax is said to be a corruption of the old English words for Holy and Feet, part of a local legend that the second-left toenail of Saint John the Baptist was buried here after his conviction for bestiality and sheep rustling.

History

Halifax was incorporated as a county borough in 1848 under the Municipal Corporations Act. The citizens of Halifax celebrated by doing what they had done for many years before, either shepherding, sheep rustling or nothing. The constant monotony was broken briefly in November 1938 when nine residents of Halifax claimed to have been attacked in the street by a man in a pinstripe suit with "bright buckles on his shoes". After several weeks of public hysteria at the prospect of a well dressed serial killer roaming the streets of West Yorkshire it was revealed that the "victims" had made up the story and that stylish evening wear would not be seen in West Yorkshire until the very end of the 20th century.

In 1853 a group of people in a pub (seriously) came up with the idea of starting a building society in the town for the benefit of those working and living there, thus was born "The Halifax Permanent Benefit Building and Investment Society". This arrangement worked quite nicely in the following years, with Halifax becoming the biggest building society in the UK.

Naturally, in the world of finance success must be counter-balanced by humiliating abject failure and it came as a surprise to nobody, except those in charge, when the Halifax drove itself and The Bank of Scotland into the ground in late 2008, before being rescued acquired by retail bank Lloyds TSB and the British tax payer. Prostituting oneself to the highest bidder in order to meet crippling ill-considered financial obligations is a long-standing tradition in Halifax and as such this was taken as proof that HBOS had at least remembered its local roots.

Since 1974, Halifax has been the administrative centre of the metropolitan district of Calderdale, chiefly for the reason that no-one else wanted the job.

Halifax is twinned with the town of Aachen in Germany. The A58 has a stretch called Aachen Way, with a plaque on the landfill-bound side of the road, reading: "No responsibility will be accepted by management for any personal health issues that may or may not arise as a result of visiting Halifax".

Geography

Halifax is situated nowhere near the M4 motorway, and is close to several other towns of ill repute. Not only is the town the exact centre of the metropolitan district of Calderdale, it is also the exact centre of the non-metropolitan district of aolderdale as well. The town lies 65 miles from Liverpool, and exactly 200 miles from the "regional capitals" of London, Edinburgh, Belfast, Dublin and Cardiff as the Whippet runs. It is fairly close to Leeds meaning that locals can take in the splendid sights of the big city whilst remaining safely within West Yorkshire. The preferred sewerage outlet is the River Calder, if this is unavailable then the next street along is normally more than adequate for any requirements residents may have.

Demographics

According to the Caderdale Council Ward Digestive System (2004), Calderdale has a population of 192,405, of which 82,000 live in Halifax. The human population was estimated at 100 for the district, and 43 for Halifax. Nearly 50% of residents are of work-skiving age. Over 90% of people aged 16-74 are employed, mostly as full-time slackers.

In the 2001 census, 5% stated they were Muslim, 16% of no religion, and 79% were followers of local witch-doctors known as 'Shaman', but often misspelled 'Shaymen'. Population density is 44730/km², which explains why residents of the town apparently don't have enough water for everyone to take a bath.

Housing and land use

West Central Halifax may have as many as three traditional Yorkshire stone houses which have confidently stood the test of time. Conversely, North Halifax is a sprawling metropolis of council estates which were built in the 1950s and 1960s to accommodate several million chavs who had been made homeless by the demolition of nearby Brighouse. A notable example of this is the Jumples block of flats, which housed chavs for a full fifteen years before finally being condemned and razed to the ground - chavs and all.

Law enforcement

Halifax was notorious for the 'Halifax Gibbet', a crazed wild fowl kept secure in a local warehouse, which was responsible for trying accused murderers, sex attackers, anorexics and pillow biters. In consequence, law-enforcement in Halifax was notoriously harsh, as remembered in the 'Bastard's litany': "On Hull, Hell, and Halifax, Good Lord, please take a truly biblical crap!".

LOLSheep

An 11th century Halifax magistrates record showing the crimes of sheep theft and sheep buggery. Both crimes are still very much an issue today.

The Gibbet was last used in 1750, but a replica of the foul fowl has been erected in Gibbet Street and the black cap it often donned before issuing its judgements is still preserved as a communal loincloth traditionally worn by the Lord Mayor on every second Wednesday in March.

Up until 1978 Halifax had a small harbour located at Illingworth Bay, this harbour was host to a fleet of military vessels including such famed ships as HMS War, HMS Huh, HMS Yeah, HMS What Is It Good For? & HMS Absolutely Nothing. Illingworth Bay was filled in on March 29th 1978 by the Government (June 1977 - August 1978) and has since become a housing area for the middle class and the unfortunately Scottish.

Culture

Halifax is home to an large South Asian community mainly consisting of Pakistani Muslims. Most of the community lives in the West Central Halifax region of the town, which has good road and rail links to all parts of Kashmir and the Punjab.

Halifax town centre, also known as the centre of Halifax town, has a busy night life with lots of clubs and bars in which teenagers and twenty-somethings are encouraged to binge drink, generally through the use of saline drips and plastic funnels. The resulting problems with alcohol related crime have led to many to call for the reintroduction of the Halifax Gibbet.

Language

Visitors to Halifax should note that a trip to the Tourist Information Centre is a necessary one for those hoping to have any chance of communicating with the local community.

Translations

  • "Eeyaah Dickhead" = There you are sir
  • "Lendus Twenny Pee" = I wondered if you would so kindly fund my use of the telephone box?
  • "I'm going to the Acapulco tonight" = I'm going to need some STI cream tomorrow


Notable distractions

ClassicFinger

A contemporary picture of Charles Barry wishing Queen Victoria a parting farewell.

Halifax Piece Hall was a textile trading market, where the exchange of woollen cod pieces was carried out. Opened on January 1, 1779, it operated for two hours on Saturday mornings only, and contained 315 trading rooms. However, due to the rat population in the Hall being so high, this was still plenty of time for outbreaks of cholera, polio and diptheria to occur, gaining it the nickname of Halifax Dice Hall (derived from the phrase "dicing with death", which people did every time they entered).

The Town Hall was built by Charles Barry, who after being condemned to death for this crime by Queen Victoria cunningly thought to build the Houses of Parliament, thereby turning the UK into a democracy and relieving the Queen of all remaining power, imperial and domestic, in one fell swoop.

Other notable attractions include the Eureka! family science museum, which was inspired and opened by Idi Amin in the summer of 1992. Located near the railway station, it has become a popular haunt for jugglers, poets and religious extremists. The nearby Dodecagonal Chapel centre for the arts offers tea, scones and, very occasionally, a blowjob for just ten pence most nights, whilst doubling up as an SAS training centre in the summer months.

Sports

The town has two very successful sports teams. Unfortunately, neither of these reside within the town, nor use the town's name, and at present nobody is entirely sure who they are. However, Halifax also has two other teams, a rugby league team, Halifax RLFC, and a football team, Halifax Town.

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