Half-Life 2

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Half Life 2 has been renowned for its achievements in graphical realism and character design.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Half-Life 2.
“...”
~ Gordon Freeman on Half-Life 2
HalfLife3

The entire planet has been conquered by B.O.B. and all of humanity is depending on you. Here, have a fucking crowbar.

Half-Life 2: Electric Boogaloo is an overrated first-person shooter developed by Valve Corporation, that won at least 100 Game of the Year awards. It is mostly used as a platform for socially-stunted gamers to play Counter-Strike.

The game is based on the adventures of a cardboard cut-out named Gordon Freeman. After the events of the first game, Gordon Freeman was kidnapped, teleported thousands of years back in time and raped in oblivion for at least 100 years by G-man, and then somehow ended up on a train heading for City 17. City 17 and the entire world are controlled Dr.Breen, a local pedophile and war-monger. He spends his days blabbing about shit on giant screens, eating the flesh of his enemies, and rounding up all the kids in the world to his secret lair (ergo there are no children in the game). Gordon then gets kidnapped by an alcoholic and is subjected into revolting against the relatively peaceful regime. He goes on an adventure for 2 days, meeting Morgan Freeman and his half-black daughter, psychotic fundamentalists, English buccaneers, and eventually goes back to City 17 and pwns Breen's sorry ass. Unfortunately, G-man (who had been stalking Gordon for the entire game) captures him again and the game ends. Wow, that shit is so profound.

Here's the progression of the game: you start off with an actually pretty neat walk through Shitty 17, and then a little while later you're in a sewer for over an hour. Then you have to ride a hovercraft and you're like "Wow, coolness! Thank Jesus fucking Mary Magdalene on a bed made out of win I'm out of those fucking sewers!" And it almost immediately gets old, then you proceed to ride the hovercraft around for a million fucking years. Repeat formula for the rest of the game: 10 minutes of cool shit followed by 3 hours of boring shit until the typically anticlimactic shit ending.

HL2Puzzle

An example of Half-Life 2's shockingly complex puzzles.

Half-Life 2 pioneered new, groundbreaking storytelling technique. Rather than making you sit around doing jack shit during overlong, shitty cutscenes, the game lets you walk around during overlong, shitty cutscenes.

Weapons

  • Crowbar: A rusty bent piece of metal that Barney has Over 9000 of. Use it to rape Combine in the ass.
  • Pistol: Really weak weapon that is useless.
  • Grenades: Use for trolling. Made for suicide
  • SMG: Another weak weapon that appears 24/7. Has grenade launcher for trolling.
  • Shotgun: Weapon that is tough but has 2 inches of max range. Has a double shot feature to make it impossible to hit enemies.
  • AR2: Gun with a very creative name (Assault Rifle 2). Has stun balls that vaporize anything for EXTREME TROLLING.
  • RPG: Laser Guided Troll Launcher. Used constantly to take out the same enemies. Also good suicide and EXTREME TROLLING weapon.
  • Gravity Gun: Has super science name. Basically telekinesis in a heap of scrap metal
  • Crossbow: Old weapon. It is the only useful weapon in the game. After you find it you never find any more ammo.
  • Revolver: Semi-Useful. Has 4 inches of max range. Super tough. Like the crossbow, you never find any more ammo.
  • Magnusson Device: ANOTHER cleverly named weapon. Was made in Episode 2 so butthurt fans wouldn't have to use the Rocket Launcher anymore.
  • Bugbait: Not really a weapon. Sends antlions to where you throw it, allows them to buttfuck combines. Useless afterwards

-- Other

  • Annabelle: Old Lever Action Shotgun used by a mad priest. You used to be able to take it by a glitch but valve patched this because they were butthurt. It had no model -anyways and used ammo that you could never find (Revolver).
  • AR3: Weapon that exists. Guy used them to kill hundreds of hunters in the city.
  • Fists: Another weapon that a guy used to kill 10-20 hunters a day in the city.
  • Pipe: Nigger uses this to fight Manhacks but ends up dying anyway
  • Alyx Gun: YET ANOTHER cleverly named weapon. Is super fast shooting pistol but is barely used.
  • Stunstick: Weapon used by metropolice to buttfuck citizens. It was originally a weapon but valve got butthurt and removed its use, now it gives you 7 suit energy.
  • Combine Sniper Rifle: Weapon used by snipers. Cleverly named. Alyx uses it with terrible aim in Episode 1 and Episode 2
  • Flare Gun: Shot by combines to signal stuff. You can never use this.

Characters

  • Gordon Freeman: Science guy from the past. He woke up on a train after a long hangover. Now he buttfucks and trolls everyone.
  • G-man: An old pedophile stalking Gordon. He gave gordon the hangover and forces Gordon to do tasks when he's not assfucking him.
  • Alyx Vance: A stereotypical badass chick. Every fanboy dreams of sex with her. She has a pistol you can't use and a stun tool. She is also annoying and makes shit jokes, plus her aim is terrible.
  • Eli Vance: A nigger from Black Mesa. He is a pirate with a metal pegleg. He also was killed while trying to suck an Advisor's cock.
  • Barney Calhoun: A guy from the rebels who also worked at Black Mesa. He disguised himself as a Metrocop to buttfuck civilians. Also he has a nearly infinite amount of crowbars to give to Gordon.
  • Isaac Kleiner: Old geeky scientist from Black Mesa. He has a pet headhumper who he launched into outar spacez. He is a pedo to alyx too.
  • Dr. Wallace Breen: Self proclaimed ruler of the combine and humanity. He tried to teleport himself away but was killed because the plot story needed to have a sense of no accomplishment at the end.
  • Rebels/citizens: Guys who get buttfucked by the combine. Have dreams of sleeping with Gordon and follow him around everywhere.

Enemies

  • Metropolice: Guys in masks. They are the Combine's standard trolls. Have stunsticks to buttfuck citizens. They also carry Pistols, SMGs and Manhacks sometimes.
  • Standard Headcrabs: Alien creatures that want you to suck their dicks by jumping on your head. They are really weak. Kleiner has a pet one that was launched into space.
  • Fast Headcrabs: Annoying fuckers that are impossible to hit. They have the same stats as the standards ones besides that they jump and run faster, and can't be hit.
  • Poison Headcrabs: More annoying fuckers. They are easy to hit but they reduce your health all the way to 1. Also have a high amount of health
  • Standard Zombie: Slow moving cunts. They try and whack you with their hands, or throwing lit explosive barrels at you and killing themselves. Have a tendency to run into motors sawing themselves in half.
  • Standard Torso Zombie: Standard zombie cut in half. They are the result of getting chopped in half by motor saws.
  • Fast Zombie: Zombie created by the fast headcrab. They are annoying to hit as well. However, they are considerably weaker than the normal zombie. They have wailing screams that piss you off as their main weapon.
  • Fast Zombie Torso: Cunts that appear in Episode 2. They are impossible to see and hit, and are cut in half.
  • Poison Zombie: Toughest Zombie. He has super high health and throws poison headcrabs at you. He is nearly impossible to beat and kills you every time.
  • Zombine: Cleverly named by Alyx. It's a combine zombie. Even more impossible to kill, as once its impossibly high health gets low it pulls a grenade on you. First appeared in Episode 1
  • Antlion: Annoying little bitches. Fly through the air and get all pissed when you walk on their sand. Become friends with you after you get bugbait. They rape combine in the ass very easily.
  • Antlion Worker: Much tougher than the normal antlions. Spits acid at you and instantly kills you. Would be much more useful as their main attacker but the antlions are retarded as fuck. First seen in Episode 2.
  • Antlion Grub: Little bitches that heal you if you step on them. They are annoying as hell. They can't even damage you. First appeared in Episode 2.
  • Antlion Guard: Giant bug thing. The goal of it is to rape you in the ass multiple times. It cannot be killed under any circumstance because it will just launch cars at you. Also has a glowing variant named the Guardian which is exactly the same except if you even try to shoot it you have to restart.
  • Manhack: Floating sawblades. They are annoying as hell and nearly kill you every time.
  • City Scanner: Floating bitches that blind you.
  • Shield Scanner: Scanners that don't have shields. They drop mines and alert striders of your position, making them annoying ass cunts.
  • Strider: Overpowered walking tank. Has a gigantic machine gun and a penis ray gun. The ray gun vaporizes you.
  • Gunship: Overpowered flying jet helicopter thing. Has a gigantic machine gun and a laser cannon it never uses.
  • Helicopter: Overpowered flying helicopter. Has a gigantic machine gun, drops endless amounts of bombs and missiles that it only uses once.
  • Dropship: Annoying flying troop carrier. Drops striders, APCs, and combine infantry to the ground. Cannot be shot down so it is overpowered. Also has an overpowered gigantic machine gun.
  • Combine Soldier: Infantry of the combine. They have worse accuracy than alyx and use the same weapons and tactics every time. There is a different looking version for shotgunners and Elites who shoot vaporizing balls at you instead of throwing grenades which they kill themselves with. There is also more models for the prison guards.
  • Ceiling turret: Turrets that are on the ceiling. They are only seen once in the first game and have no ammo in Episode 1.
  • Ground Turret: Turrets that are underground. Only seen once in the same area that the ceiling ones are.
  • Floor Turret: Used when the combine are lazy asses. Can't be destroyed, but they randomly blow up for no reason in Episode 2.

Episode One

Valve realized they had just made gamers play 10 hours of a game with an alleged story without actually providing any story whatsoever, so they start trying here, and in exchange this one is consumed with running around in variably boring-ass dark places as your bitch follows you around and says "Wow! Look at that thing!" every two minutes. The game delivers a half-assed ending and left fans/noobs waiting on the second episode, which we all know is shit.

Episode Two

The creators of Half-Life figured that if they were able split the sequel into 3 pieces, they could sell your soul to Satan. Unfortunately, this did not work, and they ended up selling their own souls at 5% interest. Oh well.

Episode Three

The fabled Episode 3 has been demanded by fanbois since the dawn of time. However it is clear that the more requests Gabe Newell gets the more he decides to delay Episode 3 and release shitty games like Left4Dead, Left4Dead 2, Portal 2 and other shit nobody cares about. Some suspect that Gabe slipped in the Valve HQ and caused an earthquake just when episode 3 was about to be released. This caused unrepairable damage to all episode 3 copies and they had to start over again.

A theory created by Facepunch member Master117 explained that the reason Half-Life 2 Episode 3 is taking so long is due to a time dilation effect due to how massive Gabe Newell is. Following the creation, the theory was shamelessly ripped from it's roots and posted on 4chan by some faggot, which was then posted on reddit by some other faggot.


Steam

The game is run by Steam, which means that most people will bash their monitors in the first 5 minutes of download (if they don't tear their arms off first). The Steam client won't let you play any game- even games with absolutely no online capabilities- unless you have an Internet connection. They try to trick you into buying your games again by claiming that your games are pre-loads and your account is faulty. This works on the typical Steam user. Steam(ing pile of shit) means that its not up to hydrogen yet. Damn six years of work. This is also the future of DRM (digital rights management)...fucking buggier than an entire swarm of dickants.

Typically for most trailer park dwelling fucktards, the idea of "ending a process" and restarting the client is far too advanced for them. Better take that CS III class.

The Great Macfuck

After Steam was recently ported to the Apple Mac, Valve decided to release its flagship title aswell. Normally nobody would give a shit but the morning after PC fags woke up to find their bandwith was being raped in the ass. All this was a result of Half Life 2 recieving a massive patch to help Macfags resolve their "problems".

The patch had to finish to play Half Life 2 again and Steam steals OVER 9000% of your bandwidth for the downloads. So PCfags were severely butthurt, however Valve continued to troll them by announcing Team Fortress 2 was coming out for Mac along with all its useless patches.

So all this butthurt happened only to deliver patches to PC gamers which only fixed Mac versions.

See Also

The games of Valve
Half-Life
Half-Life · Half-Life 2 · Gordon Freeman · Alyx Vance · G-Man · Gordon Frohman · Combine Soldier
Portal
Portal · Portal 2 · Film · GLaDOS
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead · Left 4 Dead 2
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