Half-Life 2

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[[Image:Haflife2222.jpg|right|thumb|400px|Half Life 2 has been renowned for its achievements in graphical realism and character design.]]
 
[[Image:Haflife2222.jpg|right|thumb|400px|Half Life 2 has been renowned for its achievements in graphical realism and character design.]]
 
{{wikipedia}}
 
{{wikipedia}}
 
{{Q|...|Gordon Freeman|Half-Life 2}}
 
{{Q|...|Gordon Freeman|Half-Life 2}}
 
[[Image:HalfLife3.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The entire planet has been conquered by B.O.B. and all of humanity is depending on you. Here, have a fucking crowbar.]]
 
[[Image:HalfLife3.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The entire planet has been conquered by B.O.B. and all of humanity is depending on you. Here, have a fucking crowbar.]]
'''''Half-Life 2: [[Electric Boogaloo]]''''' is an overrated first-person shooter developed by Valve Corporation, that won at least 100 Game of the Year awards. It is mostly used as a platform for socially-stunted [[virgin|gamer]]s to play ''[[Counter-Strike]]''.
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'''Half-Life 2''' is one of VALVE's creations besides cancer of the [[solar plexus]]. It features everyone's favorite four-eyed mute: [[Gordon Freeman]]. The Earth has been taken over by the Harvester Combine and now playing as [[Gordon Freeman]], armed only with a crowbar and an over-powered .357 pistol, must go and blow shit up without saying a word.
   
The game is based on the adventures of a cardboard cut-out named [[Gordon Freeman]]. After the events of the first game, Gordon Freeman was kidnapped, teleported thousands of years back in time and raped in [[oblivion]] for at least 100 years by G-man, and then somehow ended up on a train heading for City 17. City 17 and the entire world are controlled Dr.Breen, a local pedophile and war-monger. He spends his days blabbing about shit on giant screens, eating the flesh of his enemies, and rounding up all the kids in the world to his secret lair (ergo there are no children in the game). Gordon then gets kidnapped by an alcoholic and is subjected into revolting against the [[hitler|relatively peaceful regime]]. He goes on an adventure for 2 days, meeting Morgan Freeman and his half-black daughter, psychotic fundamentalists, English buccaneers, and eventually goes back to City 17 and pwns Breen's sorry ass. Unfortunately, G-man (who had been stalking Gordon for the entire game) [[rape|captures]] him again and the game ends. Wow, that shit is so profound.
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Half-Life 2 is also known as Half-Life: Quarter Life (because a second half-life is technically equal to half of the first, thus <math>1/2/2=1/4</math>), a "super 1337" first-person shooter game that is a sequel, oddly enough, to the game "Half-Life 3".
   
Here's the progression of the game: you start off with an actually pretty neat walk through Shitty 17, and then a little while later you're in a sewer for over an hour. Then you have to ride a hovercraft and you're like "Wow, coolness! Thank Jesus fucking Mary Magdalene on a bed made out of win I'm out of those fucking sewers!" And it almost immediately gets old, then you proceed to ride the hovercraft around for a million fucking years. Repeat formula for the rest of the game: 10 minutes of cool shit followed by 3 hours of boring shit until the typically anticlimactic shit ending.
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Because of this unusual order of game titles in this series, many [[hardcore]] gamers committed [[suicide]], believing that [[time]] and [[space]] has reversed, and that they will eventually turn back into [[sperm]]s. Thus, the release date of this game, November 16, 2004, is forever known as the infamous "Day of [[Holy shit|Holy Crap]], [[Time]] is Going Backwards, Kill Yourself Before it is Too Late-day." Unfortunately, for the game's developers, Ugly Spigot, the fan base for Half-Life 2 was sharply reduced by 95%. Some may argue that this tragic incident was a result of improper product advertising, but others believe that this event was an example of [[Natural Selection]] (not the mod, of course.) The labs are currently pointing to a massive harpooning of the fans.
   
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==The Release==
 
[[Image:HL2Puzzle.jpg|right|thumb|400px|An example of Half-Life 2's shockingly complex puzzles.]]
 
[[Image:HL2Puzzle.jpg|right|thumb|400px|An example of Half-Life 2's shockingly complex puzzles.]]
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After 31 years in development and endless hours of forced labor by [[Les Miserables|small orphans]] in [[Canada]], the game was successfully released to the lucky 5% of the fans who have not killed themselves in the fury of confusion. Unfortunately again for the product's developers, the remaining fanbase have turn old and senile due to the fact these people were the only gamers who bothered to wait all those long years and the 3,568 announced delays of Half-Life 2's release. Of the 5%, 65% of that group have lost their vision due to health problems and/or the lengthy stay in the basements of some relative's house for almost all their lives. Or perhaps due to the intake of several gallons of [[Mountain Dew]].Another cause of this "Half-Life Blindness" was the almost unheard of amount of masturbation among fans. however, who can feel sorry for them, would you fuck someone who played Half-Life? There are two types of public distribution for this game. One involved the usage of an online program called "Steamy Crap." This program decided whether or not the customer is worthy of receiving the product he/she already paid for. In order to make this decision, "Steamy Crap" forced the user to undergo certain trials to see if he/she has mental stability and strength. The customer had to survive while watching 80 minutes of [[homosexual pornography]], 75 minutes of a movie involving sexual acts done to animals and, lastly, the same 80 minutes of [[homosexual pornography]] previously seen but with the music of the Backstreet Boys played loudly in the background. Sadly, many gamers did not survive the program's trials, and, as a consequence for their failure, they did not receive Half-Life 2. The other distribution practice for this game involved retail stores and departments. The boxes of "Half-Life 2" are covered with sharp razors and thrown violently at consumers, using the Gravity Gun. Don't drink the water, they put something in it, to make you forget.
   
''Half-Life 2'' pioneered new, groundbreaking storytelling technique. Rather than making you sit around doing jack shit during overlong, shitty cutscenes, the game lets you walk around during overlong, shitty cutscenes.
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----
   
== Weapons ==
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'''PLEASE NOTE:'''
*Crowbar: A rusty bent piece of metal that Barney has [[Over 9000]] of. Use it to rape Combine in the ass.
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The original makers of Half-Life, "Vulva" were abducted by the Vortigaunt slaves and subjected to torture by Poison headcrabs and eating spiders for advocating the senseless killing of Alien race as a result of violating the terms set by [[SETI]], Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence?
*Pistol: Really weak weapon that is useless.
 
*Grenades: Use for trolling. Made for suicide
 
*SMG: Another weak weapon that appears 24/7. Has grenade launcher for trolling.
 
*Shotgun: Weapon that is tough but has 2 inches of max range. Has a double shot feature to make it impossible to hit enemies.
 
*AR2: Gun with a very creative name (Assault Rifle 2). Has stun balls that vaporize anything for EXTREME TROLLING.
 
*RPG: Laser Guided Troll Launcher. Used constantly to take out the same enemies. Also good suicide and EXTREME TROLLING weapon.
 
*Gravity Gun: Has super science name. Basically telekinesis in a heap of scrap metal
 
*Crossbow: Old weapon. It is the only useful weapon in the game. After you find it you never find any more ammo.
 
*Revolver: Semi-Useful. Has 4 inches of max range. Super tough. Like the crossbow, you never find any more ammo.
 
*Magnusson Device: ANOTHER cleverly named weapon. Was made in Episode 2 so butthurt fans wouldn't have to use the Rocket Launcher anymore.
 
*Bugbait: Not really a weapon. Sends antlions to where you throw it, allows them to buttfuck combines. Useless afterwards
 
   
-- Other
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==Producer's Notes==
*Annabelle: Old Lever Action Shotgun used by a mad priest. You used to be able to take it by a glitch but valve patched this because they were butthurt. It had no model -anyways and used ammo that you could never find (Revolver).
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During the production of the game, there was a little 10-year-old boy who will not be named for fear of infringement on some kind of law. He claims to have worked with Vulva, and was fired shortly after the release of CounterSomething and its expansion pack, CounterSomething 2: With Tanks, because of extreme incompetence and shaking his desk loudly every five minutes yelling, "EARTHQUAKE!" The joke never caught on, and he was shortly afterwards replaced. The devlopers also gave a warning that can be found on the case. They said "as said in the title "Half Life" once you play this game you will lose half of your life. The remaing half will be put in to the forms, chat rooms, eating and getting high. You will never be laid again and if you play this game a virgin you will be a virgin for the rest of your life.
*AR3: Weapon that exists. Guy used them to kill hundreds of hunters in the city.
 
*Fists: Another weapon that a guy used to kill 10-20 hunters a day in the city.
 
*Pipe: Nigger uses this to fight Manhacks but ends up dying anyway
 
*Alyx Gun: YET ANOTHER cleverly named weapon. Is super fast shooting pistol but is barely used.
 
*Stunstick: Weapon used by metropolice to buttfuck citizens. It was originally a weapon but valve got butthurt and removed its use, now it gives you 7 suit energy.
 
*Combine Sniper Rifle: Weapon used by snipers. Cleverly named. Alyx uses it with terrible aim in Episode 1 and Episode 2
 
*Flare Gun: Shot by combines to signal stuff. You can never use this.
 
   
== Characters ==
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==G-Man==
*[[Gordon Freeman]]: Science guy from the past. He woke up on a train after a long hangover. Now he buttfucks and trolls everyone.
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The mystique of G-Man traces back to the original [[Half-Life]]. Throughout the course of the game, [[Gordon Freeman]] will see, as a result of his heavy inhalation of hallucinogenic substances to his body, G-man, who stands by observing (lustily) his completion of rape, murder, and solving cool puzzles. G-man wears a trademark blue Versace suit and always carries a briefcase. It is rumored that inside his briefcase are 700 pounds of Colombian children. (What?) Though [[Sancho]] has failed to comment, we're sure it's his. It is widely believed that the 'G' in G-man stands for God, while the 'man' stands for Mandingo. Some sad assholes, having spent their lifes dedicated to tracking down the G-man, have compiled that it is Gordon Freeman from the future. Why has he travelled back in time? Because he wants to rape himself. The G-man, as well as observing you hungrily, enjoys masterbating in that spot where you just can't reach him.
*[[The G-Man|G-man]]: An old pedophile stalking Gordon. He gave gordon the hangover and forces Gordon to do tasks when he's not assfucking him.
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Other people suspected of being the G-man include:
*[[Alyx Vance]]: A stereotypical badass chick. Every fanboy dreams of sex with her. She has a pistol you can't use and a stun tool. She is also annoying and makes shit jokes, plus her aim is terrible.
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*'''Brian Ferry'''
*Eli Vance: A nigger from Black Mesa. He is a pirate with a metal pegleg. He also was killed while trying to suck an Advisor's cock.
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*'''Oscar Wilde'''
*Barney Calhoun: A guy from the rebels who also worked at Black Mesa. He disguised himself as a Metrocop to buttfuck civilians. Also he has a nearly infinite amount of crowbars to give to Gordon.
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*'''Meatwad'''
*Isaac Kleiner: Old geeky scientist from Black Mesa. He has a pet headhumper who he launched into outar spacez. He is a pedo to alyx too.
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*'''Yo Mama'''
*Dr. Wallace Breen: Self proclaimed ruler of the combine and humanity. He tried to teleport himself away but was killed because the plot story needed to have a sense of no accomplishment at the end.
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*'''Alyx Vance'''
*Rebels/citizens: Guys who get buttfucked by the combine. Have dreams of sleeping with Gordon and follow him around everywhere.
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*'''Alyx Vance from the future'''
== Enemies ==
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*'''Alyx Vance from the past'''
*Metropolice: Guys in masks. They are the Combine's standard trolls. Have stunsticks to buttfuck citizens. They also carry Pistols, SMGs and Manhacks sometimes.
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*'''Morgan Freeman'''
*Standard Headcrabs: Alien creatures that want you to suck their dicks by jumping on your head. They are really weak. Kleiner has a pet one that was launched into space.
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*'''Mr. Gillham (which is Gman's Italian racing driver/bannana picker/2nd cousin)'''
*Fast Headcrabs: Annoying fuckers that are impossible to hit. They have the same stats as the standards ones besides that they jump and run faster, and can't be hit.
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*'''[[Gordon Freeman]]
*Poison Headcrabs: More annoying fuckers. They are easy to hit but they reduce your health all the way to 1. Also have a high amount of health
 
*Standard Zombie: Slow moving cunts. They try and whack you with their hands, or throwing lit explosive barrels at you and killing themselves. Have a tendency to run into motors sawing themselves in half.
 
*Standard Torso Zombie: Standard zombie cut in half. They are the result of getting chopped in half by motor saws.
 
*Fast Zombie: Zombie created by the fast headcrab. They are annoying to hit as well. However, they are considerably weaker than the normal zombie. They have wailing screams that piss you off as their main weapon.
 
*Fast Zombie Torso: Cunts that appear in Episode 2. They are impossible to see and hit, and are cut in half.
 
*Poison Zombie: Toughest Zombie. He has super high health and throws poison headcrabs at you. He is nearly impossible to beat and kills you every time.
 
*Zombine: Cleverly named by Alyx. It's a combine zombie. Even more impossible to kill, as once its impossibly high health gets low it pulls a grenade on you. First appeared in Episode 1
 
*Antlion: Annoying little bitches. Fly through the air and get all pissed when you walk on their sand. Become friends with you after you get bugbait. They rape combine in the ass very easily.
 
*Antlion Worker: Much tougher than the normal antlions. Spits acid at you and instantly kills you. Would be much more useful as their main attacker but the antlions are retarded as fuck. First seen in Episode 2.
 
*Antlion Grub: Little bitches that heal you if you step on them. They are annoying as hell. They can't even damage you. First appeared in Episode 2.
 
*Antlion Guard: Giant bug thing. The goal of it is to rape you in the ass multiple times. It cannot be killed under any circumstance because it will just launch cars at you. Also has a glowing variant named the Guardian which is exactly the same except if you even try to shoot it you have to restart.
 
*Manhack: Floating sawblades. They are annoying as hell and nearly kill you every time.
 
*City Scanner: Floating bitches that blind you.
 
*Shield Scanner: Scanners that don't have shields. They drop mines and alert striders of your position, making them annoying ass cunts.
 
*Strider: Overpowered walking tank. Has a gigantic machine gun and a penis ray gun. The ray gun vaporizes you.
 
*Gunship: Overpowered flying jet helicopter thing. Has a gigantic machine gun and a laser cannon it never uses.
 
*Helicopter: Overpowered flying helicopter. Has a gigantic machine gun, drops endless amounts of bombs and missiles that it only uses once.
 
*Dropship: Annoying flying troop carrier. Drops striders, APCs, and combine infantry to the ground. Cannot be shot down so it is overpowered. Also has an overpowered gigantic machine gun.
 
*[[Combine Soldier]]: Infantry of the combine. They have worse accuracy than alyx and use the same weapons and tactics every time. There is a different looking version for shotgunners and Elites who shoot vaporizing balls at you instead of throwing grenades which they kill themselves with. There is also more models for the prison guards.
 
*Ceiling turret: Turrets that are on the ceiling. They are only seen once in the first game and have no ammo in Episode 1.
 
*Ground Turret: Turrets that are underground. Only seen once in the same area that the ceiling ones are.
 
*Floor Turret: Used when the combine are lazy asses. Can't be destroyed, but they randomly blow up for no reason in Episode 2.
 
   
== Episode One ==
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==Multiplayer==
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Although Half-Life 2 did ship with multiplayer, fans can access the <s>mods</s> games "HL2: Pimpmatch", and "CounterSkunk: Whores".
   
Valve realized they had just made [[faggots|gamers]] play 10 hours of a game with an alleged story without actually providing any story whatsoever, so they start trying here, and in exchange this one is consumed with running around in variably boring-ass dark places as your bitch follows you around and says "Wow! Look at that [[shit nobody cares about|thing]]!" every two minutes. The game delivers a half-assed ending and left fans/[[noobs]] waiting on the second episode, which we all know is shit.
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=== HL2: Pimpmatch ===
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In Pimpmatch you can be the [[Pimp]] you always wanted to be, but your mom didn't let you, by tossing toilets and sinks around the arena. You should be very careful though cause gasmasked butt-kicker team is always there to put you down with their vibrating weapons. By killing bitches, CP's and pulling wings off flys you get score and you advance in Top Pimp and you can buy new parts to your virtual pimp mobile and buy new bling.
   
== Episode Two ==
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Special Game mode:
   
The creators of ''Half-Life'' figured that if they were able split the sequel into 3 pieces, they could sell your soul to [[Satan]]. Unfortunately, this did not work, and they ended up selling their own souls at 5% interest. Oh well.
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*'''Snatch My Bitch Up:''' Is when 2 rival pimps try to steal each others bitches and bring them to their base safely. Having sex with opponents bitches on opponents base gets bonus points and more bling. and then gang rape a toad for extra points.
   
== Episode Three ==
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=== CounterSkunk: Whores ===
The fabled Episode 3 has been demanded by [[virgin|fanbois]] since the dawn of time. However it is clear that the more requests [[fag|Gabe Newell]] gets the more he decides to delay Episode 3 and release shitty games like [[Left 4 Dead|Left4Dead]], [[Left 4 Dead|Left4Dead 2]], [[Portal|Portal 2]] and other [[shit nobody cares about]]. Some suspect that Gabe slipped in the Valve HQ and caused an earthquake just when episode 3 was about to be released. This caused
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More tactical than the simple pleasures of HL2: Pimpmatch, CounterSkunk is a game in which drugged up special forces twitch maniacally around corners to shoot their enemy in the groin before the same happens to themselves. This is known as a 'Cockshot', and is an instant kill.
unrepairable damage to all episode 3 copies and they had to start over again.
 
   
A theory created by Facepunch member Master117 explained that the reason Half-Life 2 Episode 3 is taking so long is due to a time dilation effect due to how massive [[Gabe Newell]] is. Following the creation, the theory was shamelessly ripped from it's roots and posted on [[4chan]] by some faggot, which was then posted on [[reddit]] by some other faggot.
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While trying to gun each other down, players can also score bonus points by 'planting the weed' or by 'doping up'. This gives players extra cash at the start of the next round, to spend on hoes, bling and firearms.
   
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There's also this one part of the game called "Shut the Fuck Up"
   
== Steam ==
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= Steam =
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Steam was a revolution in gaming technology. Taking 86.5 years of development, the team behind the [[Human Genome Project]] took some time in order to create Steam. Many [[hardcore kids]] the age ranging from 4 to 35 stalk the community pages spreading rumors and threats of raping your mother. Statistics show that 10 out of 7 people on Steam have been a rape victim in the past or near future.
   
The game is run by Steam, which means that most people will bash their monitors in the first 5 minutes of download (if they don't tear their arms off first). The Steam client won't let you play any game- even games with absolutely no online capabilities- unless you have an [[Internet]] connection. They try to trick you into buying your games again by claiming that your games are pre-loads and your account is faulty. This works on the typical Steam user. Steam(ing pile of shit) means that its not up to hydrogen yet. Damn six years of work. This is also the future of DRM (digital rights management)...fucking buggier than an entire swarm of dickants.
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Steam is also comparable to many other consoles such as the [[Xbox 360]], [[XBox 359]], [[PS3 Grill]], and [[Bill Cosby]]. The ability to buy and download games directly to your computer is convenient, but the fact that the transfer speed is 5-bytes a second may result in you going outside and laughing at babies that are being aborted.
   
Typically for most trailer park dwelling fucktards, the idea of "ending a process" and restarting the client is far too advanced for them. Better take that CS III class.
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==See also==
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* [[Half-Life]]
== The Great Macfuck ==
 
 
After Steam was recently ported to the Apple Mac, Valve decided to release its [[shit|flagship]] title aswell. [[Shit nobody cares about|Normally nobody would give a shit]] but the morning after PC fags woke up to find their bandwith was being [[rape|raped]] in the ass. All this was a result of Half Life 2 recieving a massive patch to help Macfags resolve their [[faggotry|"problems"]].
 
 
The [[fail|patch]] had to finish to play Half Life 2 again and Steam steals [[OVER 9000|OVER 9000%]] of your bandwidth for the downloads.
 
So PCfags were severely butthurt, however Valve continued to [[troll]] them by announcing Team Fortress 2 was coming out for Mac along with all its useless [[fail|patches]].
 
 
So all this butthurt happened only to deliver [[fail|patches]] to PC gamers [[epic fail|which only fixed Mac versions]].
 
 
== See Also ==
 
*''[[Portal]]''
 
 
* [[l33t|1337]]
 
* [[l33t|1337]]
*''[[Garry's Mod]]''
 
 
* [[Combine Soldier]]
 
* [[Combine Soldier]]
   

Revision as of 01:40, August 3, 2012


Haflife2222

Half Life 2 has been renowned for its achievements in graphical realism and character design.

Bouncywikilogo3
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Half-Life 2.
“...”
~ Gordon Freeman on Half-Life 2
HalfLife3

The entire planet has been conquered by B.O.B. and all of humanity is depending on you. Here, have a fucking crowbar.

Half-Life 2 is one of VALVE's creations besides cancer of the solar plexus. It features everyone's favorite four-eyed mute: Gordon Freeman. The Earth has been taken over by the Harvester Combine and now playing as Gordon Freeman, armed only with a crowbar and an over-powered .357 pistol, must go and blow shit up without saying a word.

Half-Life 2 is also known as Half-Life: Quarter Life (because a second half-life is technically equal to half of the first, thus 1/2/2=1/4), a "super 1337" first-person shooter game that is a sequel, oddly enough, to the game "Half-Life 3".

Because of this unusual order of game titles in this series, many hardcore gamers committed suicide, believing that time and space has reversed, and that they will eventually turn back into sperms. Thus, the release date of this game, November 16, 2004, is forever known as the infamous "Day of Holy Crap, Time is Going Backwards, Kill Yourself Before it is Too Late-day." Unfortunately, for the game's developers, Ugly Spigot, the fan base for Half-Life 2 was sharply reduced by 95%. Some may argue that this tragic incident was a result of improper product advertising, but others believe that this event was an example of Natural Selection (not the mod, of course.) The labs are currently pointing to a massive harpooning of the fans.

The Release

HL2Puzzle

An example of Half-Life 2's shockingly complex puzzles.

After 31 years in development and endless hours of forced labor by small orphans in Canada, the game was successfully released to the lucky 5% of the fans who have not killed themselves in the fury of confusion. Unfortunately again for the product's developers, the remaining fanbase have turn old and senile due to the fact these people were the only gamers who bothered to wait all those long years and the 3,568 announced delays of Half-Life 2's release. Of the 5%, 65% of that group have lost their vision due to health problems and/or the lengthy stay in the basements of some relative's house for almost all their lives. Or perhaps due to the intake of several gallons of Mountain Dew.Another cause of this "Half-Life Blindness" was the almost unheard of amount of masturbation among fans. however, who can feel sorry for them, would you fuck someone who played Half-Life? There are two types of public distribution for this game. One involved the usage of an online program called "Steamy Crap." This program decided whether or not the customer is worthy of receiving the product he/she already paid for. In order to make this decision, "Steamy Crap" forced the user to undergo certain trials to see if he/she has mental stability and strength. The customer had to survive while watching 80 minutes of homosexual pornography, 75 minutes of a movie involving sexual acts done to animals and, lastly, the same 80 minutes of homosexual pornography previously seen but with the music of the Backstreet Boys played loudly in the background. Sadly, many gamers did not survive the program's trials, and, as a consequence for their failure, they did not receive Half-Life 2. The other distribution practice for this game involved retail stores and departments. The boxes of "Half-Life 2" are covered with sharp razors and thrown violently at consumers, using the Gravity Gun. Don't drink the water, they put something in it, to make you forget.


PLEASE NOTE: The original makers of Half-Life, "Vulva" were abducted by the Vortigaunt slaves and subjected to torture by Poison headcrabs and eating spiders for advocating the senseless killing of Alien race as a result of violating the terms set by SETI, Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence?

Producer's Notes

During the production of the game, there was a little 10-year-old boy who will not be named for fear of infringement on some kind of law. He claims to have worked with Vulva, and was fired shortly after the release of CounterSomething and its expansion pack, CounterSomething 2: With Tanks, because of extreme incompetence and shaking his desk loudly every five minutes yelling, "EARTHQUAKE!" The joke never caught on, and he was shortly afterwards replaced. The devlopers also gave a warning that can be found on the case. They said "as said in the title "Half Life" once you play this game you will lose half of your life. The remaing half will be put in to the forms, chat rooms, eating and getting high. You will never be laid again and if you play this game a virgin you will be a virgin for the rest of your life.

G-Man

The mystique of G-Man traces back to the original Half-Life. Throughout the course of the game, Gordon Freeman will see, as a result of his heavy inhalation of hallucinogenic substances to his body, G-man, who stands by observing (lustily) his completion of rape, murder, and solving cool puzzles. G-man wears a trademark blue Versace suit and always carries a briefcase. It is rumored that inside his briefcase are 700 pounds of Colombian children. (What?) Though Sancho has failed to comment, we're sure it's his. It is widely believed that the 'G' in G-man stands for God, while the 'man' stands for Mandingo. Some sad assholes, having spent their lifes dedicated to tracking down the G-man, have compiled that it is Gordon Freeman from the future. Why has he travelled back in time? Because he wants to rape himself. The G-man, as well as observing you hungrily, enjoys masterbating in that spot where you just can't reach him. Other people suspected of being the G-man include:

  • Brian Ferry
  • Oscar Wilde
  • Meatwad
  • Yo Mama
  • Alyx Vance
  • Alyx Vance from the future
  • Alyx Vance from the past
  • Morgan Freeman
  • Mr. Gillham (which is Gman's Italian racing driver/bannana picker/2nd cousin)
  • Gordon Freeman

Multiplayer

Although Half-Life 2 did ship with multiplayer, fans can access the mods games "HL2: Pimpmatch", and "CounterSkunk: Whores".

HL2: Pimpmatch

In Pimpmatch you can be the Pimp you always wanted to be, but your mom didn't let you, by tossing toilets and sinks around the arena. You should be very careful though cause gasmasked butt-kicker team is always there to put you down with their vibrating weapons. By killing bitches, CP's and pulling wings off flys you get score and you advance in Top Pimp and you can buy new parts to your virtual pimp mobile and buy new bling.

Special Game mode:

  • Snatch My Bitch Up: Is when 2 rival pimps try to steal each others bitches and bring them to their base safely. Having sex with opponents bitches on opponents base gets bonus points and more bling. and then gang rape a toad for extra points.

CounterSkunk: Whores

More tactical than the simple pleasures of HL2: Pimpmatch, CounterSkunk is a game in which drugged up special forces twitch maniacally around corners to shoot their enemy in the groin before the same happens to themselves. This is known as a 'Cockshot', and is an instant kill.

While trying to gun each other down, players can also score bonus points by 'planting the weed' or by 'doping up'. This gives players extra cash at the start of the next round, to spend on hoes, bling and firearms.

There's also this one part of the game called "Shut the Fuck Up"

Steam

Steam was a revolution in gaming technology. Taking 86.5 years of development, the team behind the Human Genome Project took some time in order to create Steam. Many hardcore kids the age ranging from 4 to 35 stalk the community pages spreading rumors and threats of raping your mother. Statistics show that 10 out of 7 people on Steam have been a rape victim in the past or near future.

Steam is also comparable to many other consoles such as the Xbox 360, XBox 359, PS3 Grill, and Bill Cosby. The ability to buy and download games directly to your computer is convenient, but the fact that the transfer speed is 5-bytes a second may result in you going outside and laughing at babies that are being aborted.

See also

The games of Valve
Half-Life
Half-Life · Half-Life 2 · Gordon Freeman · Alyx Vance · G-Man · Gordon Frohman · Combine Soldier
Portal
Portal · Portal 2 · Film · GLaDOS
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead · Left 4 Dead 2
Personal tools
projects