Haiti

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Revision as of 10:00, April 1, 2013

Democratic Socialist Republic of Haiti
Hatian Flag copy
Motto: "A Hungry Haitian is a Happy Haitian"
National Anthem: Earthquake - The Used
Haitimap
Government System Laissez-Faire Democratic Voodoo-Piracy
Official language French, Haitian Creole
Capital Port au Prince (formerly, now New Orleans)
President Sweet Micky
Legitimate President None, is run by a 4-person Sugar Cartel
National Heroes Anton Szandor LaVey, The GriGri man, Wyclef, Lsue Leocal, Bob Dylan
Independence January 1st, 1804
Currency Duvalier
Religion Voodoo
Exports Partially Starved Childern, Sugar Cane, Social Unrest, B-Movie Horror Film Material
Imports Food, Fabric, Pepper Spray, Silver Bullets, Earthquakes
National Policy: "Run really, really fast, and if you can't run, climb a tree, and if there are no trees, hide under water, and...oh the hell with it, they'll get you anyway." (in reference to Haiti's Burgeoning Zombie Population)
Foreign Policy: "Please Don't Purchase our Nation"
Ethnic Groups : 75% Zombie
“Damn, and I thought Ireland was ghetto.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Haiti

Haiti (whose etymology is derived from a traditional word meaning, Hades) is a small, godawfully destitute nation which is floating in the middle of the Caribbean on the island of Hispaniola, and is filled with black people who are responsible for its failure. It is attached to the Dominican Republic, despite the best efforts of the latter to geographically detach it from themselves. Haiti is primarily inhabited by Zombies, and is the only country in which the concept of a "Brain Drain" implies a famine, rather than a loss of intelligent citizens. Haiti has been governed since 1930 by a four-person sugar cartel, and is the only truly free market economy in the history of civilization. In recent years, Haiti has also claimed to have cornered the local market on Genralized Misery, but is being rapidly approached by the wonderfully inept nations of other African nations, who are attempting, in time, to bring their standard of living even lower than that of Haiti, in a desperate last attempt at National Pride. The period of Democracy in Haiti lasted very briefly, and now it is an excellent example the world over of the power of the free market to inflict prosperity upon a people (or at least their owners).

History

New Friends from Africa

After sending the natives to heaven, the French realized they had a problem. Who would do all the work required to harvest the cocaine to send back to France?The French were very modest and didn't consider themselves worthy of this honour. It was then decided that new friends needed to be made. France made a trip to West Africa and offered the people there free boat rides to Haiti and a job once they got there. France's new African friends were so happy with their new home and jobs that they offered to work for free! Yay!

Haitian Independence

France loved their African friends so much that they decided to leave control of the country to them in 1804. Their friends were sad to see them go but were very grateful to be given the opportunity to run their own country. As a small token of their appreciation, the new Haitian Republic offered France 80% of its GDP for the next 150 years. Graciously, France accepted their offer. Despite handing over 80% of their GDP to France every year, Haiti thrived. It's rich economy benefited all its citizens and Haitians lived in peace and prosperity for most of the next 200 years! Yay!

Duvalier Dynasty

Haiti's most peaceful period was during the reign of the Duvalier dynasty. Francois Duvalier and his son and action star Jean Claude Duvalier were kind and generous rulers. They donated much of their hard earned wealth to the already prosperous population. The Duvalier government also helped Haiti to forge closer ties with the United States government. Haitians were so enamoured with the American government that they offered to work for American corporations for pennies a day! Hooray!

2004 Haitian Coup of the People

Haiti has always been known for its legitimamte rulers, and its tradition of excellence in electing stable governments. After Arestide, who did not even allow the United States to grab 80% of Haiti's resources, was ousted. Gérard Latortue, which is Kreyol for America's bitch was instated, everything was great, and absolutely nobody was murdered. We promise. Seriously folks, we're for real.

2010 Haitian Earthquake

In January 2010, the capital of Haiti was destroyed, obliterated, devastated, raped, mutilated; and then it was hit by a massive earthquake. About 9 zombies were injured.

And now, Morgan Freeman narrates:

The moment the earthquake arrived, they were doomed. They were undone, destroyed, after all of man's weapons and devices had failed, by the tiniest creatures whom God, in His wisdom, put upon this earth. By the toll of a billion deaths man had earned his right to live among this planet's infinite Haitians. And that right is ours against all challengers. For neither do men live, nor die, in vain.

I'll tell you, you ever see that film where those nasty things crawled out of the ground and attacked the castle? Anarchy would have ensued, but it's awfully difficult for something to ensue when it's already ensued.

Now remember, Haiti is populated entirely by zombies, and zombies don't like Americans very much, ostensibly because Americans do not allow themselves to be eaten. So give the Haitians something useful. For, as the Immortal Oscar de la Wilde says, "Be kind to your enemies. Nothing annoys them as much."

  • Haiti, was hit by a large sunami, where many of poor, helpless, lazy, typical blacks died. This was no laughing tragedy. The dirty...i mean hatian nation may soon come to and end due to their own stupidity.

Economy

Echtezombie

A typical happy resident of a Haitian Sugar plantation, looking for a tourist or similar food source.

Whoops! Were you looking for Epic Fail?

Haiti's GDP is based upon many diversified fields, but has lost some of its luster in recent years due to the loss of Boardwalk, but has recompensed itself by gaining Vermont Ave, and there is a rumor that Haiti may be aiming to purchase Baltic Avenue. Although tourism in Haiti is often marred by the foibles of Haiti's police force, recent remittances from Jean Poulet, who works at a home depot in Miami, has largely offset the difference.

Haiti also has a highly motivated workforce, based on traditional voodoo values such frenetic displays of dancing and violence, and response to basic commands. French commanders captured by the Haitians commented on the complete obedience and efficiency of Haitian sugarcane workers shortly before being eaten. By the late 1890's economic theorists realized what the Haitians already knew, Zombie workers had overtaken the Chinaman as the most efficient use of the marginal cost of labor.

The Haitian government has also ingeniously classified Poverty as an inheritable genetic condition, and as such, is in the throws of one of the most critical "epidemics" in all of History. However, the government is attempting to find a low cost vaccine to guard against the dreaded "Poverty Syndrome", which, according to the government, leaves its victims looking as though they were suffering rom malnourishment, overwork, and intestinal parasites "-almost as though they [the non-Zombie Haitian peasants] were actually hungry." (as quoted by Haiti's Commerical Sugar Cartel representative).

However, aside form the drug trade and the production of coffee rust and undernourished children, Haiti has often experienced A HIGH LEVEL OF ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT, and also an unemployment rate THAT IS ONE OF THE LOWEST IN LATIN AMERICA AND THE WORLD. This comes of their innovative policy of not counting Zombies, Children, Women, Blacks, Indigenous Islanders, the Handicapped, or the Insane into these figures, which leaves the twelve men that jointly own Haiti's 4 sugar plantations. Haiti is a land of great opportunity, but the government must learn to stay the course!

Tourism

The typical American tourist can reasonably expect to acquire at least 29 diseases in Haiti (with the possible exception of Poverty). Also, depending on their particular taste in entertainment, they have a wide variety of the 137 veneral diseases to contract from the indigenous population, which are often an excellent incentive for abstinence, in many cases leaving it the only possible option. Obtaining a passport for Haiti is problematic, as when it first attempted to open a Consulate/Embassy in the US, 80 percent of its population attempted to live in the Lobby, which had a Soda Vending Machine. After twenty-three civilians were mauled and trampled to death in a struggle for a warm can of Diet Pepsi, the government immediately closed the embassy, and, with an ingenuity rivaling that of the US Drug Policy makers, made Diet Pepsi The Number One illicit drug in Haiti, in front of Heroin, Cocaine, Methamphetamine, and television (which they didn't have anyway). However, it has been widely observed that anyone can enter Haiti, and (theoretically) leave it, as the country has no form of Border Patrol. The indigenous population does have a tendency to leave a permanent impression on tourists, usually in the form of red, cresent-shaped puncture wounds on the neck, arms, and torso, but with a proper array of armaments, a flack vest, and a dispensable body-guard contigent, the risk can be somewhat minimized.

Haiti was not always so accepting of tourism (immigration having been entirely unknown in the countries history). In the early fifties, Haiti attempted to restrict their burgoening tourist industry (which averaged 7.5 tourists and 18 drug/food smugglers per year) and decided, in an unprecedented display of neurosis and xenophobia, to erect a 200 foot wall around the country, twenty feet out from the shore into the ocean. In a last minute cost-saving measure, the anticipated concrete and cinderblocks was replaced with 50,000 square feet of cardboard water proofed with carmelized sugar. Once constructed, the entire structure lasted for approximately four minutes before being dissolved and partially eaten by seagulls and enterprising Haitian citizens. However, this novel method of border control (which was developed by one of the more intelligent of the Zombie-workers at Plantation Number 3) has been much lauded by the United States Government, whose current President is, as always, quick to recognize the work of a kindred intellect.*note, this is outdated, please change stupid joke to useless joke*

See Also

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