Haggis
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| WARNING This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly. Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. | 
|
- To be confused with McHaggis
The Haggis is a flightless bird similar to a grouse. It is native to the Scottish highlands and is one of the rarest birds in Britain today. Birdwatchers from all over the world flock to see this unusual creature in its native habitat. The Scottish Parks Trust run guided Haggis-watching (or "hagging") tours in the protected parks where it breeds; otherwise, these parks are closed to the public.
The Haggis was discovered in 1942 by famous birdwatcher Bill Oddie, although locals had known of the bird's existence for hundreds of years. Until Bill Oddie correctly identified the Haggis as not being a grouse, it was usually identified as, not surprisingly, being a grouse.
A group of wild haggis is known as a 'gaggle of Haggii'.
The Haggii tend to hibernate for the last 6 months of the year, although some can still be found wandering the landscape during this time.
The Haggis has been unwittingly adopted, in its 'ready-to-eat' form, as the emblem of the achingly authoritative Uncyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] Habitat and Capture
The natural habitat of the wild haggis is the hillsides and mountainsides of Scotland. The haggis is perfectly adapted for life in this setting due to the fact that one of its legs is shorter than the other two (see illustration). It also has a small rarely seen wing on its left side to help steady itself due to this. This obviously means that the Haggis is only able to travel in one direction. Haggis-hunters capitalise on this shortcoming by approaching their prey from the front - this leads the Haggii to attempt to turn around and run away from the hunters. As a result of this short-sighted strategy, the Haggii topple into their captors' waiting nets, making for a swift and humane capture. Alternately, you could grow your own by planting a haggis tree{availible from Asda.
[edit] Origins of the Haggis
Until the 1960's the origin of the Haggis, Intestiniae Fragrantis, was shrouded in mystery. Then a startling palentological discovery was made at the excavations behind the Kings Foot Pub in Spittal-of-Banshee.[1] This is described by Jack Horner in his popular book: "The View from my Corner"[2]. A 40 million year old fossil of a proto-haggis was found, with its last meal petrifidied inside it. This revealed that the haggis is not descended from the dinosaurs and hence cannot be considered to be a true bird (or a lowlander or a shaggy haired hog as some have claimed). It is in fact descended from a line of aquatic reptiles, the Haggiosaurs and is thus a relative of Nessie![3]
[edit] Domestication
It is widely believed that haggis only exist in the wild. However, a survey[4] of butcheries and supermarkets in Aberdeen and North Berwick in 2002 revealed more haggis for sale than the total estimated wild population of the Eastern Highlands. This indicates that there is a thriving industry breeding haggis, but is probably little known as the farmers are embarrassed and train the haggis to stand behind a large goose so as not to be noticed.
[edit] Feral Haggis in Africa
Scottish settlers brought domestic haggis to the British colony of Natal in the mid 19th century[5]. As a result of Bushman (don't use the term "San", it's a insult) raids[6] in the 1860s some of the haggis escaped and have remained in the foothills of the Drakensberg ever since. Though seldom seen, there is copious evidence of their presence[7] due to their habit of grazing in wheat fields, and more especially oat fields, in an ever widening circle until they are so full that they fall over. Some people think these circles are caused by alien space-craft[8], but the only aliens involved are the non-indigenous haggis.
[edit] The Haggis in History
Haggis were employed in the Battle of Culloden on 16 April 1746[9], modeled on the use of war elephants in India, but on a smaller scale. Unfortunately the battle took place on level ground and the haggis immediately made for the nearest mountains, pursued by nearly a third of the Scottish army. This resulted in the unexpected defeat of the Scottish army and changed the course of history.
[edit] The Haggis and Royalty
A full-grown haggis was presented to Her Majesty at Balmoral in July 1995 by the Royal Caledonian Straight Malt and Shortbread Society (Motto: "Semper sub tabula"). Unfortunately it was killed and eaten the next day by one of Princess Anne's corgies. Her Majesty was not amused. The corgy was banished to an outhouse for three days due to excessive flatulence[10].
[edit] Consumption
Following the basic precepts of the Scottish diet ("eat anything as long as it's not green, but only if it's cheap"), it has formed a nutritional staple amongst Scots folk, both at home and abroad, for centuries. Haggis hunts are held throughout May and are usually attended by Royalty (see unemployed) as well as Scottish folk and Glaswegians. Haggis hunts are also attended by many protesters (see Greenpeace) attempting to ban these bloody massacres.
The haggis is buried on a hillside until its putrefying remains achieve the consistency of regurgitated porridge. Only then is it ready to cook. This is achieved by boiling ad infinitum to remove any residual flavour or colour.
With an irony that is not lost on countless expatriate Scots, it now graces the 'speciality' shelves of upmarket butchers in London. This is seen as a small form of revenge for the suggestion that Scots only eat deep-fried Mars Bars, and a more deeply subversive attack on the 'sassenach' English than the export of the Bay City Rollers and the continued favour of running their country for them.
In fact, no part of the haggis goes to waste. The innards, mixed with oatmeal and stuffed into a sheep's stomach make a nutritious meal. The pelt is used to line sporrans, whilst the hollowed-out skeleton -with its characteristic two long legs and one slightly shorter leg- forms the basis of a traditional Scottish musical instrument.
Haggis is, of course, a great delicacy, most often consumed on Burns Night. An interesting development is the recent availability of vegetarian haggis, which is supposedly much healthier to eat. The vegetarian type is quite pricey, as the need for constant surveillance of the haggis right throughout its life -to make sure it's not eating meat on the sly- makes its rearing an extremely labor-intensive process.
[edit] Urban Myths
It is often believed that the Haggis is, in fact, a form of sausage. Whilst the "Scottish Sausage" does in fact contain some Haggis, it does not resemble the actual creature. Scottish Sausage (otherwise known as 'Highland Pork') is mainly composed of boiled pig's rectums, complete with any contents at the time of slaughter. Scottish Sausage is usually sold in lengths of 8 inches, and due to strong national pride surrounding the sausage, it may be unwise to ask any butcher (especially in Glasgow) for anything less than 6 inches. It is also customary for Scots to offer female tourists or foreigners a chance to sample this delicacy, and if one accepts the chance, it will almost always be an unforgettable experience. The haggis also shits skittles.
[edit] References
- ↑ Grampian Archiological Review and Pub Guide, Vol.73 pp 34-47, 1964
- ↑ Horner, J. "The View from my Corner", The Trowzer Press, Dino Park, Wyoming, 1974
- ↑ Smith, John "How I was abducted by aliens and ended up marrying Nessie", Credulous Publications, Perth, 1981
- ↑ MacAllin, Hamish "Indigenous Foods" Dissertation Thesis, UAP, 2003
- ↑ Parcade, Thomas "Scottish immigration to Africa in the 19th century" Upandhome Press, 1993
- ↑ Annon. "They are coming to get us" Natal Advertiser, July 3, 1865
- ↑ Annon. "They are coming to get us" Durban Morning Mail ,April 1, 1923
- ↑ Annon. "They are coming to get us" Natal Quicksilver, September 12,1965
- ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Culloden
- ↑ Personal communication
Barmy British Stuff 
