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“I wish I was Angelina Jolie so hackers would talk to me.”
~ Oscar Wilde on hackers

“omg hacker!!!!!!!”
~ Noob playing a video game when he loses
“Don't worry, they're just a myth.”
~ Bill Gates on Hackers
“Why Can't they write their name correctly. What's meant by H4ck 3r anyway”
~ Hacker's teacher who's got her account hacked on Hackers

HAXXOR3RZ!11!!!11!one!1!1! T3H P\/\/NZR5/\/\()N!1!!111~

What is a hacker?

A lot of hackers have inside jobs as actors in Hollywood movies, and they can be spotted by the red symbol on their cheeks. Can you spot the red symbol in this black-and-white picture?

Hackers are the universe's most gruesome, ugly, volatile creatures, which have an affinity for computer programming. Many a hacker has been named a honorary borg because of their accomplishments, even thought they have never been assimilated. Hackers have a tendency to prey on the young and/or innocent MMORPG gamers that roam the web. Many are called "Haxxorz" or "Cheaters" in different games, nevertheless they are the same type of hackers. One of their known objectives is to become the best, by a means easier than what is already thought to be the way. To pass the time, they try to read other people's emails, play a lot of MMORPG's and talk on IRC. Their native tongue is 1337.

Here is an example conversation between a couple of hackers and players:

Player1: What happen ?
Player2: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Player1: What !
Player2: Main screen turn on.
Player1: It's You !!
hackers: How are you gentlemen?
hackers: All your base are belong to us.
hackers: You are on the way to destruction.
Player1: What you say !!
hackers: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Player2: For great justice.
hackers: Resistance is futile.

In real life, hackers have never succeeded in making any players take off every 'zig'.

What do hackers do?

This is either a hacker "feeding on the files of a player", or simply a hacker hard at work on a regular day. Both are exactly the same things to a hacker.

Hackers meet other hackers on IRC, at which point one of them will pretend to be Angelina Jolie or any other hot babe and proceed to have cybersex with other hackers. Scientists have never been able to find how hackers engage in cybersex until this date. But what is known till now, during cybersex, another hacker inserts his 3 1/2" Floppy into the one pretending to be the hot babe's Floppy Drive. The other present hackers continue their own business, orthey proceed to prey on the non-babe as if he was a player, and then they take his place. This has been a theory since the early days when the first hacker was seen prowling in the wilderness hunting for unsuspecting players. When an open hole in the firewall is found, a connection is made and shellcode will be injected. This shellcode will install spyware that will weaken the player's firewall and virus protection, and they will also be able to literally spy on the player's every move (scientists discovered hackers cannot watch Steven Segal pictures. Steven Segal was well-known in the hacker population for the Hacker Genocide in the early 90's). When the hacker has no more use for the player, he leeches all the valuable info he got off of the player, and replaces the info with a virus, which practically destroys the player's computer. This has been known to be how hackers feed for more than a decade.

Another thing hackers do to pass the time is write exploits. (Not just the word, though. They've tried that and it gets boring after a few days). They write little computer programs designed to read other people's email. This way they can steal their prizes for winning an event and find out their location so they can prey on the players like Wildebeest on a crocodile feeding frenzy! The bastards! They will then brag about this on their IRC. Here's an example of how hackers interact with one another:

A hacker is a fucking son of bitchno life!!!

*** hacker1 has entered #h4x0r
* hacker1 Juzt pWnD the n00b!111! Teh player got owned. >:D
[hacker1] Got r00t, w00t!!1!one! :P:p:p:P:P:p:P
[hacker2] Got good info/shyt?
[hacker1] No :(
*** hacker1 was kicked from #h4x0r by hacker2 ("SUPRISE BUTTSECKS!")
[hacker2] @$$m45t3rz0rz 5tr1k3th 4g41n!
*** hacker3 is now known as Angelina
[Angelina] Wanna cyber?
[hacker2] h/o, lmme get my 3 1/2" floppy...

Noise People

They have a variety of alliances. Their main one is the noise people. To find out who the noise people are, watch "White Noise" or "Pulse". Even that creepy little girl from "The Ring" is a special form of noise person. The noise people tell you to do things, and if you give them what they want they will go away. Unfortunately, nobody really knows what the "haxxors" want, so we can't give them any so they can go away. Thus they mess up our computers.

The noise people can help "teh haxxors" get from the "interwebz" to your home using the electromagnetowave-a-ma-bobs that are everywhere. That's how the noise people can get everywhere they go. These same abilities grant them power over electric devices, which is how the "haxxors" get to the CD drives to decapitate the kittens.

How To Point Out Hackers

Hackers have been known to have red symbols on their cheeks resembling acne, overweight problems, horrible taste in clothes, dorks in real life/"ghetto" in the internet, and gibberish for vocabulary. Sure, this makes it sound like they stand out easily, but if we put a hacker in a group of 3 people, you would expect to see 4 people. We here also thought that there would be 4, which was a surprise to us once we underwent this experiment. Only 3 people were there after we let the hacker blend in. This could be either because one of them was a player and the hacker "pwn'd" him, or he used his well-known power to bypass security protocols and override automatic system applications with the use of CMOS. Therefore, they can easily make it seem that they're not really there, which makes it so they blend right in.

Known Habitats of Hackers

Hackers have been known to live in the basements of seemingly-abandoned houses. Some even go as far as living with their own parents past the age of 30, and so they can never score with females (See cybersex). Some scientists also go as far as saying that Hackers have been found lurking in Internet Cafés and College Libraries using their computers, but it's common sense knowing when scientists are exaggerating. I mean, really! Hackers in Internet cafés? I know they have a human appearance, but blending in with the crowd is just absurd!

See also

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