HP Costa Rica Today
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HP Costa Rica was founded in 2005 by John Chuck & Curly Sykes, first as a Costa Rica Walmart, which was later renamed to "P&G" (Pobres & Gordos) and just before turning to be a famous low quality customer service company. Basically, the mission of HP Costa Rica is to hire as many "employees" as possible in a race against Walmart, anyone that can say HI and BYE BYE can go to a Job Fair (Called after Feria del Agricultor). Another opportunity of HP, is to hire those employees before having any place to locate them, months later they rent some second-handed "buildings" where these "employees" can see their old jobs from the caves (such as Sykes, Fujitsu, Intel or Alienware). The schedules of this jail, is living everybody run like monkeys at one specific time and saying that a brand new company is making a job fair nearby, so they make a traffic chaos. They have been solved this situation by hiring in a Job Fair some traffic officers so they can work with the monkeys, guiding each one in a big line to Real Cariari to get some free bananas.
The very first tasks that Hewlett Packard Costa Rica had was a Yellow Pages Line and a Gay 24/7 Line, which forced the company to hire over 5000 new "employees" with some basic or non-existent English skills (as you can notice, I was one of the 5000) and another 2500 "employees" with "GOOD" English skills. The Yellow Pages was a complete failure cause people from the US thought they were calling to India, so that one move to Supra Telecom where it went bankrupt after just 2 minutes. The other account, the gay one, has been the most stable account in the history of the market. HP Costa Rica is working each day in order to continue their great work with the gay line, that so far, is pretty happy with the results.
The greatest feature for all HP employees at Forum, UltraPark (Also Called "Ultra Prision) is the parking space, cause the Nicaraguan that designs the buildings along with Management, thought that every "employee" used to ride just a bike or using the amazing public transportation of Costa Rica, so they made just a few spaces in an underground space, so they can avoid "employees" escapes easily from The UltraPrison and "employees" family and friends would avoid the shame of seeing their relatives cars outside an HP building.
Currently, the company hired some School Buses to drive employees and destroys a Banana Plantation (this wasn't a good decision according to employees) and created a Parking Lot very similar to the ones used by Walmart, or Hipermas at Costa Rica.
edit How to be an "Employee" of HP?
There are many ways to find a "Job" at HP Costa Rica, for example you can apply on their website (Keyword: Slavery) from any Internet Cafe or Sykes, Alienware, IBM, Supra, Datascension, or Qualfon computer. The second easiest way is to attend the famous Job Fairs, where these "Employee" wannabes can also buy some vegetables and fruits. Also, the applicant can also be referred to a person that works less for more money, called "Manager" by any friend, cousin, sister, grandpa or the butcher around the corner that works part time for HP. If you're lucky enough and you manage to pass the Colors and Shapes Test you may me able to sign your soul to an HP Eternity via contract, those also may me found on the side of a McDonald's 'Cajita Feliz' or the coupon inside branded Toilet Paper. Hurry, cause this promotion that ends in 2020.
When nobody fills the contracts cause some of them don't even know English, so they have one last option to Join HP, some "managers" to be filled write their names on little pieces of paper and put them in a bag. Then, they write the name of the position and put those other papers in another separate bag. Now the future "Employee" also called temporary slave picks a paper from the second had in order to select their new "position" and then proceeds to select their "Guard" or "Manager". They call this in spanish "Bolsa de Empleo".
edit Being an HP Costa Rica "Employee"
An HP Costa Rica "Employee" also has the obligation of been part of stock purchasing. This means more useless money for the government and the CCSS, and even worst a loss of money for the employee in the near future.
When HP Costa Rica runs out of money, they give T-Shirts and bananas to their new "employees" who forget they owe them the salary. An HP employee never takes off their badge, not even at home, at a bar not even at the super market trying to get a discount. No person has been able to understand why the fuck do they carry it everywhere. Scientific tests have proven that women or men do not react when they see a person with an HP badge. The behavior on males, however, is different. The reaction is inmediate to laughter and joking. Gay males have erections before an HP badge.
Holidays at HP Costa Rica are unique as they don't have holidays at all to celebrate. Costa Rican holidays do not exists because this is an "American" company (like Walmart, remember) then, only so called "American" holidays do apply as this company is located in Costa Rica (American is Costa Rica also, also Mexico, Argentina, Nicaragua, we're all Americans but only those fuckers call themselves Americans). Worldwide holidays don't apply either since Worldwide means USA too.
No company in the world applies more effectively the so fucking called "Open Doors" policies than HP Costa Rica. The doors are always open to everyone that suggests, complains or gives an idea on what can HP Costa Rica improve. If an employee refuses to leave the company, they are most likely to be relocated at a Help Desk, clean the bathrooms, been kicked out or sent to all new different Hell: HP Costa Rica Human Resources.
The "Quality" Bastards are trained for 3 months by the Cuban Army in Guantanamo Bay and the Colombian Guerilla.
Some people after recent studies find out that HP is a computer brand, but even with that, the "employees" at Costa Rica don't need a technical knowledge to be hired. English is not needed either since HP Costa Rica has signed a contract with Berlitz & Sykes to teach them this "native" language. So far this year, the percentage of employees and people from HR that had to attend English lessons was 100%.
edit The "Management"
Anyone that had been kicked out from Sportsbooks, Hot-Lines, Front-desks at Barcelo's Hotels, can apply to be in charge of a good "position" at HP Costa Rica. The process consists pretty much the same as regular "employees", but these people needs an extra feature to test how much are they ready to kiss ass to people in charge up North. The Management has some great features, like huge salaries, reserved parking, luxury offices, salaries raises every 3 days, being paid twice a week, 2 personal slaves, a coupon for a 6 pack, and 20% discounts at Walmart.
There some other positions to be filled, so the "employees" feel the wrong idea that somebody cares for them. Those guys are the one that destroys everything, make a mess of papers, and basically fuck everything. We use the friendly definition of HP Costa Rica HR (HR stands for Homeless Rotted). They're in charge, people like Alfredo R., Maria del M. R. and much more, of creating so much chaos, and the company can use their money and ressources to fix those problems.
The company uses some other useless resources (Such as Planninsa and Marvi Buses) to recover some money from "employees" that they can use to hire some new employees, print new t-shirts and making HP USA richer and richer.