Guyana
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| Motto: "Land of love, cocaine and violent crime." | |||||
| Anthem: Terra do amor, da cocaína e do crime violento. | |||||
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| Capital | Pollución | ||||
| Largest city | Rebel Camps | ||||
| Official languages | Corruption, Murder, Drugs, Pornos, The Gun | ||||
| Government | Total-Socialocracyship | ||||
| Presidente | Fantoche Do Corredor Da Droga | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Cocaine, Socialism | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Still dependent on cocaine | ||||
| Currency | “I only take American dollars, Idiota. No US, No Crack.”
~ Guyananian Minister for Drug Trade on Guyana's export policy The magic of Guyana is undeniable, its tropical charms, exotic lifestyle and lack of extradition treaties with the outside world all help give Guyana a magical feel, unlike anywhere else on earth and only comparable to an acid trip. Proudly considered the birthplace of tinted sunglasses and cocaine, this fascinating land is packed with things to see and do. Have your photo taken with a colourfully dressed ruhmero (drunk) while his accomplice steals your wallet. Sway to the steamy "socialista", one of the few dances in the world to routinely involve and exchange of body fluids and left wing political ideals. Try 'green-water rafting' your way down a river of toxic waste. Or simply sit back and sip a molitivo cocktail while listening to the hypnotic rhythm of government helicopters staffing a nearby rebel stronghold.
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| Religion | Corruption, SOCIALISM. | ||||
| Population | Drunk, Dancing or dead. | ||||
| Major exports | Cocaine, toxic waste, exotic animals. | ||||
| Major imports | Luxury cars, Cuban Cigars, Pools, Hookers, Gold Jewelry (for the Government) | ||||
“I only take American dollars, Idiota. No US, No Crack.”
~ Guyananian Minister forDrugTrade on Guyana's export policy
The magic of Guyana is undeniable, its tropical charms, exotic lifestyle and lack of extradition treaties with the outside world all help give Guyana a magical feel, unlike anywhere else on earth and only comparable to an acid trip.
Proudly considered the birthplace of tinted sunglasses and cocaine, this fascinating land is packed with things to see and do. Have your photo taken with a colourfully dressed ruhmero (drunk) while his accomplice steals your wallet. Sway to the steamy "socialista", one of the few dances in the world to routinely involve and exchange of body fluids and left wing political ideals. Try 'green-water rafting' your way down a river of toxic waste. Or simply sit back and sip a molitivo cocktail while listening to the hypnotic rhythm of government helicopters staffing a nearby rebel stronghold.
Contents |
[edit] Law & Politics
Guyana is classified as a "Socialocracyship", ruled over by an "elected" socialist Presidente, answerable to socialist death squads within the army.
The president serves an indefinite term. His term of office ends when he is overthrown in a military coup, or, alternatively, assassinated by his family. The constitution allows him to be sent into peaceful retirement once two-thirds of the parliament have received sufficient bribes. This has never happened.
Guyana has a tricameral system of government with a House of Bribes (National Assembly), House of Nepotism (Senate) and Lower House (S & M Dungeon).
The National Assembly has ultimate control over Guyana but, due to new fedralism laws, large drug cartels now effectively run the country. The National Assembly's power is significantly limited though, as most of the 400 members are wanted overseas for drug offenses.
The 2006 national elections were the first peaceful elections in recent memory, though the recent memory of an average Guyananian is around 5 days, thanks to cocaine addiction and brain eating bacteria in the water.
[edit] Passing a Bill
- 1. Initiation
- A large drug cartel notices a problem and "pressures" a member (usually with a vice) to act. The member then visits the secretary to the Presidente and leaves a letter containing the details of the bill and often a severed finger.
- 2. Processing
- If the secretary is satisfied that the bill contains the right elements for approval ($US100,000 in unmarked bank notes) then he will pass it onto the Presidente.
- 3. Approval
- If the Presidente is satisfied that the bill contains enough benefits for the population (another personal yacht) then he will execute it. If not, the member who proposed it will mysteriously disappear.
[edit] Law
Guyana is described as having a very high literacy rate because of an anti-illiteracy campaign, in which over 74,000 citizens, who were unable to read, have been jailed or deported to Haiti since 1972.
[edit] History
One time, this guy was driving a car from Honolulu to the Gambia. He stopped in Guyana and hitchhiked for a bit. And he ate at this really good diner-- know the one?
[edit] Kool-Aid
In addiction(get the pun?) to cocaine, Guyana is famous for some asshole named Jim Jones who brought some stupid Americans to Guyana and take place in culty activities. One day Jim Jones (not to be mistaken for the rapper) decided to go to the nearest Wal-Mart and buy an industrial size drum of Kool-aid and some cyanide. The Wal-Mart pharmacist was not suspicious because he was illiterate and did not know what cyanide meant. Jim Jones returned to the camp and decided to trick those stupid Americans into drinking the Kool-aid. Of course, everyone thought it was just another friendly barbecue, but Jim Jones had already poisoned the Kool-aid with the cyanide. 900 people died of Koolaid overdoses including Jim Jones. The phrase "drink the Kool-aid" became popular with Guyanan teenagers thereafter to peer pressure friends into snorting cocaine.
[edit] Geography and Environment
The geography of Guyana can be described as mountainous, though burnt and toxic would be more apt for the northern provinces. Guyana has struggled to preserve much of its natural environment. Widespread mining and logging operations have decimated large tracts of rainforest, while illegal poaching has reached such a point that animals are poached from neighboring Suriname, by the government, and brought in to Guyana to be poached by illegal poachers. 75% of Guyana's native bird life can be found in the lobby of "El Pollución Hiltona" (or in a filthy Pollución flea market).
Urina Bay is indisputably one of the most polluted bodies of water in the world, with recent tests failing to find any water, just liquid E.coli bacteria and effluent from the McDonalds plant upstream.
Illegal trade of animals is such a problem in Guyana, where Jaguar pelts can fetch over $US10,000, that some people have resorted to painting their pigs and children like Jaguars and selling them.
Despite severe deforestation much of Guyana remains covered in green. Admittedly much of this is due to coca plantations, soccer fields and toxic runoff from pesticides. Guyana boasts 2459 different plant species, of which 40% are endemic, 30% are poisonous and 50% are hallucinogenic (remember to buff before you huff). The northern provinces of Guyana are primarily desert, where cactus are prevalent, these are harvested not for their hallucinogenic properties but for their spikes that are made into "Toothpricks".
Guyana's main geographic areas are:
- Rainforest
- Clear-felled Rainforest
- Desert
- Urban sprawl
- Ghetto
- Industrial Waste Dump
- Rebel Stronghold (Mountainous Forest)
- Resorts (Off-Shore Islands)
Guyana is home to the world's largest frog, Gigatus. Frogius, which has been known to eat small dogs, children and grenades - incidentally how most are captured. They are usually found in the mountainous regions of western Guyana and in the spicy local delicacy, Vómito.
The carnivorous Macaw can be found in many lowland areas of Guyana and can often be seen hunting elefantos (introduced elephants) in packs. The Macaws swoop down and literally pick up their prey and carry them off to mountainous caves where they dwell at night. Even some tourist buses have fallen prey to the vicious Macaws, so now tour guides by law must carry rocket launchers on every tour.
[edit] Demographics
The population of Guyana is said to be 9 million, although this figure is approximate, as no thorough formal census has ever been conducted. To gauge family sizes, officials will often just count the number of people lounging in a doorway – and multiply by 14.
Guyana's most recent census reports that, officially, about 75% of its population is latino, mainly of Spanish origin. About 14% is black and 23% mulattoes of mixed ethnicity. The remainder are CIA operatives, (the figures are approximate as there are no formal numbers in Guyana as the base system and name of digits varies across regions. In some Southern regions the base 12 system is prevalent, while swearing and grunting is preferred in Northern Guyana).
Over the centuries each of these groups have intermingled producing a fascinating – if sometimes volatile – national identity. Remarkably, there is very little in the way of racial tension in Guyana, with blacks, latinos and those of mixed race all happily living, extorting and stealing from each other.
[edit] Economy
Guyana is the second largest producer of McDonald's beef substitute (made primarily of human waste, latex, asbestos, used condoms, chewed tobacco and paint stripper), it is also where the revolutionary McCrack Burger - The first hallucinogenic burger - will be made.
The economy of Eastern Guyana is based primarily on tourism spa resorts so elite and luxurious that even the tour buses run on essential massage oils.
[edit] Culture
Guyana's official language is English, but all the people speak Guyanese Creole, or broken English. Both the languages have one thing in common they both have a lot of cursing and swearing. This is usually the way you can tell a Guyanese person from a tourist
[edit] Literature
Guyanese love books, particularly ones with a social-erotic theme (where everyone gets an equal share of the action - even the poor). The most widely read book genres in Guyana are comics, erotic fiction, erotic fiction comics and soiled 1980s porn magazines.
The Presidente has imposed strict censorship laws that ban books containing "anti government" messages - this means all books containing the words "coup", "revolution", "change" and "banana" have been banned. Unfortunately with the advent of satellite television and satellite dish robbery most residents have access to American television (though this may be of benefit as it destroys any form of free thought). Guyana has had many fine writers, all of which were exiled or executed for spreading anti government messages.
Bichano De Beijo (1961-2006) is credited as one of the greatest writers to come out of Guyana, his classic novels "O código Secret de Da Vinci" and "Potter de Harry e o desengate ácido" received worldwide acclaim despite being exact copies of other famous books.
[edit] Theater
There is a small and passionate theater scene in Guyana, with half a dozen theaters across the country, most are currently being used by squatters and as drug dens. Highly politicized pro government theater features heavily in most public squares, along with public executions. As part of national service all citizens must watch "El Grande Presidente" - a lengthy opera on the greatness and wisdom of the president - at least once.
[edit] Art
There are two distinct styles of art in Guyana, the first is "Merda Estranha Moderna", a distinct style blending European avantguard with traditional elements. The second is cigarette billboards.
Modern Guyananian painting blends bright colour, classical elements, sequins, bullet holes and hallucinogenic drug use.
[edit] Sport
The Guyananian Government’s encouragement of physical activity began in 1954 when they moved to phase out cigar smoking during school hours. Since then a range of state-sponsored health and fitness programmes (such as steroid distribution) have ensured Guyana's success on the world sporting stage. Strong, talented students are often singled out for special training and most cities boast a Centro Deportivo (Sports Centre) with soccer field, gymnasium, cess pool and drug laboratories.
Pedro Murda is Guyana's most famous sportsman. He lead the national baseball team to victory over arch rivals Suriname in 1985. A year later he led them to Florida, in an unsuccessful attempt to defect en masse. After many more years at the top, Murda retired from baseball in 1976 to embark on a short-lived TV career, his tonight show "Dial 911 for Murda" being axed early in its run. Murda then worked for a short period as a sporting journalist before returning to his first loves – cocaine and prostitutes.
[edit] Film
The Guyananian government closely controls cinema and this has stymied much creative expression. Official government policy favours films of a "socially redeeming" nature, mainly historical dramas, political puff pieces, Bible epics and pornos. Guyana's highest grossing movie ever was the pornographic bible epic "Sexo lesbiano da lingüeta do Nun", written in 2002, which is still very popular amongst horny teenagers and the basis for religious studies in the Guyananian school system.
[edit] Dance
All Guyananians have an uncontrollable passion for song and dance. The traditional music of Guyana is considered to be as infectious as many of the nation’s water-borne diseases and, as for dancing, it doesn’t get much hotter than the socialista, the national dance of Guyana. Similar to a rumba, the socialista enacts a breezy battle between a man and a woman who tries to parry his insistent advances. Truth be told, this dance is a thinly disguised simulation of the sexual act and will generally end in a passionate embrace followed, in many cases, by pregnancy.
[edit] Miscellaneous
- The 2005 edition of the Guinness Book of Records lists the Guyanese-born Sir Lionel Loophole as "the world's most corrupt lawyer." He obtained 245 consecutive acquittals for clients that were accused of murder by bribing and threatening 53 different judges.
- A Guyanese saying is that if you eat labba and drink black water while visiting Guyana, you are bound to return. (Labba is a small agouti or South American rodent that is eaten in a dark stew called "pepper pot"; "Black water" is the water of muddy streams laced with rohypnol)
- Guyana is the only South American country where the death penalty is still in use for all crimes (apart for bribery) and where homosexuality is still illegal (except for in government offices and badly made pornos).
- There is some movement in Guyana to become a part of the United States. The website Guyana USA purports that half the population of Guyana has already emigrated to the United States or trying to climb over the border fence.
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