Gun control in the U.S.

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“Gun control is like Vatican Roulette: knowing when to shoot
~ Oscar Wilde on birth control


Some quality German weapons on show. Every home should have one.

Gun Control is one of the 4 major issues in U.S. politics, along with flag burning, Somalian rights, and Mexican border-hopping. It has sparked much debate between the left-wing Socialist Hippie and Southern redneck factions both among civilians and in the United States Congress.


Gun Control has long been debated in the two houses of U.S. Congress. Since Americans like to sweep their own history under the rug (which is filled with war, slavery, and massacres of Native Americans), we will skip the entire history of gun control and instead go right to the post-2000 era, otherwise known as the "Dick Cheney missile craze".

21st Century

After a brief hiatus at the beginning of the century, the Gun Control debate surfaced again to the forefront of U.S. politics when elementary shook children began forming their hands in the shape of a pistol and shouting bang! at other children. This was unsettling to soccer moms and caused the Hippies in Congress to clamor for an extension of the ban, simply because it went along perfectly with their radical agenda including Gay rights and protecting the environment.

The reason behind this failure to extend the ban was the Tooth Fairy Association, an anarchist terrorism operation that gained significant political power by bribing politicians in Congress and educating a bunch of dumb hicks regarding new concepts such as "Constitutional rights" and "The Second Amendment". The TFA made sure that Assault Weapons would be allowed, arguing that hard-working Americans needed them for purposes such as "target shooting", "hunting", and "self defense" and protecting themselves against an over-reaching government. Other, smaller anarchist terrorism organizations such as the Southern Poverty League and the NCAA advocated even more reactionary policies, such as allowing only their members to carry guns next to schools. The reasoning given for this stance is that some of the members in question may actually be Vietnam War veterans with PTSD, in which case they most certainly should be allowed to bear arms near a school. Bear legs and feet as well.

Staged shootings at public schools, private colleges, movie theaters, and other locations during this century have sparked renewed debate about the issue of Gun Control. Most recently was the roll-by shooting fiasco in Santa Clara said to have been committed by the gay son of a popular Hollywood director. Other staged events were the 2012 Aurora shooting in a movie theater in Colorado, and the Sandy Hoax Elementary School shooting. Incited by these incidents, many Hippies, Communists, and Environmental Wackos have asked for food stamps and free telephones. As a solution to this problem, TFA Vice-President Pepe LePew, has asked that free hot dogs as well as chair massages be given away at all government functions, including PTA meetings and city council meetings. Some rural southern towns have already embraced this idea, but it seems to be spreading to the larger cities on the east coast too, namely Philadelphia and Albany, New York. Because, of course the best way to protect our children is by giving a hot dog and a cell phone to their parents. As if trigger-happy law enforcement personnel don't know what to do with a hot dog too!

Regional and partisan divides

Views on gun control in the U.S. vary from state to state. There are three different types of states when it comes to this issue. First of all, there's the states of the Socialist Hippies mentioned earlier, who tend to restrict the sale of firearms in favor of other forms of entertainment such as pot, LSD, Heroin, tree hugging, and protesting. Next, there are the Conservative states, who compensate for their lack of a social life by allowing the sale of dangerous weapons that prove to be a wonderful form of entertainment. Finally, there are those rural, whitebread states, who are anti gun control because they want to own rifles and shotguns for hunting, but who vote Democratic because they're poor pieces of shit who want the welfare checks and are too lazy/uneducated to get a job like the rest of us. In fact, according to a recent study conducted by Irrelevant Statistics Inc., this demographic makes up over 75% of the nation's unemployed. Go figure.

Types of firearms

Guns are generally sorted into three different categories based on their uses. These categories are listed below.

"Long guns"

This refers to weapons used by hicks and rednecks to "go shootin' dose damn deer eatin' all o' ma corn". These weapons are designed for killing animals rather than people, which makes them morally sound for all of those southern Evangelicals to own. Since the people who use these guns were incapable of comprehending a more descriptive name for them, having on average only a fourth grade education, the term "Long guns" was coined.


These guns are generally used for self-defense and minor crimes such as robberies, as they are too weak and inaccurate to actually hurt anyone. Many people still feel safer in their homes owning one. Robbers tend to fit them with large, intimidating twenty to thirty round clips so that they can threaten to miss twenty times and actually damage some stuff if all the cash isn’t handed over to them instead of just miss a few times with no effect.

Assault Weapons

These guns are generally the type used to commit major crimes (such as mass murders), and were intended for military use when they were created. However, they are currently purchasable legally in the U.S. in most states so that a bunch of rich boys can “play with their toys”. The Republicans in Congress make a compelling argument that if these guns were banned, the rich C.E.O.s not able to use them would experience lowered quality of life and have to raise their salary to compensate for this, meaning that there would be less money left in their companies for creating jobs. Some states continue to defy this sensible argument, calling it “illogical” and instituting assault weapon bans within their state. These states are justly labeled as “liberal” and “gay”.

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