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“Awwww! They're so cute!”
Simply put, a guinea pig is a shit tube with a brain.
Guinea pigs are very clever, very wise, and very powerful. Unlike mice that are born blind and stupid, guinea pigs are born fully furred and able to see, with all the wisdom of their ancestors. So great is their wisdom that their hind legs must point outward just so it will all fit. This alone should scare you. Their ability to detect food and force humans to submit to their will is unmatched. Those who attempt to resist will probably lose their hearing. Those who do not resist will find themselves enslaved, but since guinea pigs are soft and chubby and emit squeaks of approval when petted, it could be worse. Guinea pigs will sometimes discipline their humans slaves by biting or peeing on their clothes, but you'd have to be a pretty foolish human to let that happen.
Amazing as it may seem, guinea pigs are not perfect. Due to a glitch, they can get stuck in an infinite loop while licking (or sniffing) something, forcing them to continue licking it forever. The only known solution is to remove whatever it is they are licking, and they will return to reality.
Guinea Pig History
Guinea pigs are not native to planet Earth. They came from a planet circling the star Sirrus IV. It is generally accepted that they arrived via the same meteor responsible for the Arizona meteor crater. This is why they are typically found in the Americas.
Despite their size, guinea pigs are extremely intelligent. This is demonstrated by their ability to always get what they want. Upon arriving on Earth in their original forms, guinea pigs noticed that humans had a tendency to adore and care for creatures that were small, furry, and chubby. Seeing an opportunity to enslave humanity, they changed their forms into the epitome of cute, with legs so short that they were impossible to see under all the fat and fur. Their plan worked perfectly. They were able to train humans to fetch food by uttering earsplitting squeaks until the humans brought things which satisfied their fancy.
By pretending to sleep whenever there wasn't food, they tricked humans into thinking they didn't do anything besides eat. In reality, they were concealing highly advanced nanotechnology in pockets hidden under their fur. They used it to communicate with each other and slowly bring all of humanity under their control. Humans sometimes wonder why guinea pigs resist being picked up. It is out of fear that a human may unwittingly discover their hidden tech. Should this happen, the piggy would be forced to exterminate that person.
Because of the naiveté of humans, guinea pigs now control the entire world. They started the green movement in order to bolster their food supplies, the animal rights movement in order to have their human slaves better trained, and pretty much every movement you can think of. Their exact plans, however, remain a mystery, and are probably so advanced that the human mind cannot even comprehend them, let alone take seriously the idea that guinea pigs are more clever then they are. Guinea pigs look like hamsters but are bigger and cannot climb vertical surfaces...or so they want humans to think. Because many humans do not think that guinea pigs can escape from a penned-in area, they sometimes leave them in a cage or pen without a cover, giving guinea pigs the opportunity to secretly sneak out when their human slaves are gone (so they can meet with others of their kind in order to plan global domination and such-like things).
Many humans now agree that guinea pigs are very clever and wise. As a result, more countries have been named after guinea pigs than anything else, in hopes that their wisdom may rub off on us. These countries include:
Guinea Pig Hierarchy
Just like on their homeworld, guinea pigs use an advanced classification system to organize everything they see. These categories themselves can be divided several hundreds of times. But in the interest of not overloading your feeble human mind, this tiny eight-item list should suffice for your interactions with guinea pigs. The categories are (with the most important things at the top):
- Food: When food is near, guinea pigs will wake up and eat it.
- The Chief: When multiple guinea pigs are present, this is the one who is the leader. Besides his wife, the chief gets to have sex with all the females for the pure pleasure of it and have sex with all the males to establish dominance.
- The Chief's Wife: Nobody messes with this cavy unless they want to challenge The Chief.
- Other Guinea Pigs: The Chief must sometimes assert his authority by stealing food obtained by these piggies.
- The Food Human: Guinea pigs will quickly identify this human slave as the one who almost always brings their food. They will memorize its foosteps, voice, daily schedule, and tendency to forget feeding time due to playing too much World of Warcraft. They will then run this data through an advanced algorithm in order to optimize the times they squeak for food for maximum return.
- Other Humans: While not as significant, these humans will occasionally bring food as well. It's more permissible to bite these humans.
- Other Creatures: Other living thing are mere curiosities to guinea pigs. By sniffing them constantly, guinea pigs provide themselves with entertainment.
- Nonliving Things: Carpets and curtains are especially tasty to gnaw on.
Guinea Pig Mood Transformations
During their life, guinea pigs repeatedly switch between two forms of existence. The first is Sleep Mode, when a guinea pig rests. If no humans are around it also communicates with other cavies and furthers their plan of world domination.
The second is Food Mode, when a guinea pig uses all its senses to find food and get it in its stomach. If a human slave brings food into the immediate vicinity, the pig will utter earsplitting squeaks until the human submits to its will and presents the food. The guinea pig will also stop if three hours pass with no food. (After three hours, the guinea pig will decide it was a false alarm.) Due to its incessant squeaking and sniffing, it is extremely easy to determine if a guinea pig is in Sleep Mode or Food Mode.
A guinea pig will switch from Food Mode to Sleep Mode after it has consumed everything nearby, or if three hours pass with no sign of food. If a human does any of the following, the guinea pig will enter Food Mode with its deafening squeaks:
- Opens the fridge
- Uses a knife to cut into a piece of fruit
- Rustles a plastic bag
- Takes its water bottle away for refilling
- Walks loudly
- Drives a car into the driveway
- Attempts to leave the house
Guinea Pig Language
Guinea pig lifespan is around 8 years if it is domesticated and 3-4 years in the wild (wild guinea pigs are called cavies.)
Guinea pig language consists of a system of multi-pitched squeaks, which are used to communicate emotions or aural emoticons. Nine of the ten different noises express various forms of hunger, and they are often strung together to create epic poems about their dietary habits. The meaning of the remaining squeak is not entirely known, but it is thought to be an insulting racial slur.
The sound that the little pig omits is also known as a meep, even though the guinea pig has no lips to purse to make the "M" sound. People who study Kung Fu are known to imitate the guinea pig noise as a greeting.
On the flip side, humans have developed their own name-language for addressing guinea pigs. Like other important beings, the guinea pigs have accumulated many names over the centuries. The vast number of names only serves to increase their greatness. Some of the more common names include:
Master, Big Pig, Pig, Pig Pogs, Pig Wiggles, Piggles, Pig Pen, Pigguinea, Piggy, Piggy Gins, Piggly, Pin Wiggles, Pinny Gigs, Puffles, Puffy Pig, Puffy Wuffles, Sir-Eats-Alot, Wiggly Pig, Your Highness, Your Majesty, O Great One, and Cavy-Wavy.
Throughout history, guinea pigs have often aided the less advanced humans in their petty struggles for
land dirt control. They do this for various reasons (like boredom) as well as competition, where one pig-assisted human army will face off against a different pig-assisted army.
Many of history's most ingenious victories were originally proposed by guinea pigs, including the idea to use a giant wooden horse to gain control of Troy. Humans would later look back and claim it was so stupid the story couldn't possibly be true, but guinea pigs know that the humans really were dumb enough to fall for it.
Today, guinea pigs help humans more in secret strike-team missions, as stealth has become the new cool thing among cavies. Their small size makes them ideal candidates for infiltration and sabotage, and they can easily hide spy gear in their chubby furry bodies. While humans see these missions as being of critical importance, guinea pigs only see it as an amusement to stave-off boredom and exercise their brains.
Filling One With Helium
One of the most remarkable uses for guinea pigs is their ability to be blown up with helium like a balloon. Since guinea pigs have no bones, and are just furry tubs of goo, they can be blown up to an enormous size and then deflated without causing any permanent damage, except emotional trauma. Their paws make ideal places for tying string, so they can be treated like actual birthday balloons. They're a big hit with kids. Sometimes the inflated guinea pig will get over its fear and manage to squeak, letting out all the helium in a slow, high-pitched whine that can last anywhere from 10 seconds to 20 minutes.
The practice was banned in Britain due to overfill accidents. On one occasion, a helium pump attached to a guinea pig was left unattended, and only after the poor creature became so large that it blew the roof off and become visible from space did people realize what had happened. Due to fear of popping in a crowded area, it had to be shot down by the military while floating over the Atlantic Ocean. Mr. Norman Guppy was arrested and sentenced to 10,260 years in prison for reckless endangerment, animal cruelty, ignoring safety protocol, and just being plain stupid.
It also is widely believed that a red, helium-filled guinea pig inspired Nena's 1980s hit 99 Luftballons.
Guinea Pig Mutations
Exposure to unstable elements have created many new species of guinea pigs, including the amazing, gigantic guinea pigs existing in the wild outlands of Los Alamos known as the Guineamus Maximus. This exposure to plutonium atoms has created a few other anamolies, some of which have managed to mate with humans. These guinea-pig human hybrids, generally known as werepiggies, have always been torn between the two races and often have angst-ridden pasts. It is not generally known that they are werepiggies and instead it is believed that they are merely humans with odd tendencies. Some famous werepiggies include the Olsen Twins, Julia Roberts and Jack Thompson. It is also rumoured that Tom Cruise had something to do with starting this group of werepiggies.
Other variations include:
- Guinea bee
- Guinea rat
- Guinea rabbit
- Guineasaurus Rex
- Guinea pirate
- Guinea spider
- Guinea zombie
- Guinea bear
- Guinea buffalo
- Guinea parrot
- Guinea bug
- Guinea dog
- Guinea king
- Guinea sandwich
- Guinea ninja
- The infamous "Guinzilla"
- Guinea soldier
- Guin Gong
- Guinea athlete
A Typical Guinea Pig Day
- 7:30AM - Commenced screaming for food and, as punishment for my human slave taking his sweet time, I soiled the cage. It was worth it.
- 8:00AM - My newly cleaned cage needed christening and who was I to skip a tradition.
- 8:30 - While my human slave was at a place known by them as school, I began planning my doomsday device with my somewhat ignorant sidekick.
- 9:00 - Lunch break
- 9:30 - Attached my doomsday device to the underside of the plastic hut that was provided for me and the human assumed we were stupid, we'll show them when they next open the cage and find their pinky finger blown up by my doomsday device. (Evil Laugh)
- 10:00 - Lunch break
- 10:30 - A cat appeared in the backyard, I used it for target practice, it's head blew up when I overloaded it with maths equations, how I was going to explain a cat carcass in the yard I didn't know but humans are blithering idiots and would never guess I concocted such a devious plan (Evil Laugh)
- 11:00 - Lunch break
- 11:30 - Contacted W0OP (World Organization of Pigs) to explain the plan, tomorrow we would strike a squadron of nine hundred and fourteen guinea pigs. Will steal an old Morris Minor 1400 car and eat everything and everyone in our path, no one will be able to stop the giant Guinea Pig Army.(Evil Laugh)
- 12:00 - Lunch break
- 12:30 - Nap time, yes even the most diabolical of guinea pigs need nap time
- 3:30 - The food human arrived home, so I began squeaking for food. Looks like the insolent slave learned his lesson last time. He brought the food real quickly. He noticed the corpse of the cat and freaked out much to my entertainment
- 4:00 - Lunch break
- 4:30 - Human opened the fridge. Commenced more squeaking
- 7:30 - My slave brings me inside to eat and watch television little does he know he is supplying me with vital insight into the human world and their weak points. I also noted he was wearing new clothing and thought it appropriate to christen them also.
- 8:00 - I began to try and eat my food human, which proved to be unsuccessful as their tough hide is resistant to my sharp teeth.
- 8:30 - I was dumped back into my lair and covered in a blanket shrouding my space in darkness, despite my obviously fierce demeanor, I was deathly scared of the dark. Until tomorrow, food human, I will plan your demise.
Guinea Pigs In A Nutshell
- They are incredibly cute
- They are incredibly soft
- They are incredibly smart
- They are incredibly evil
- They wish to eat all of your clothes
- They wish to eat all of your curtains
- They wish to rule the world
- They are shit tubes with brains
- They will pee on your face while you sleep
- The Guinea Pig Way What a guinea pig wants us to think that they think.
- Feeding Time Three pigs battling each other for cucumber glory! See if you can determine which one is The Chief.
- Food Mode Proof that guinea pigs completely understand human speech! See! They're super-intelligent I tell you! Fight back before it's too late, or they will soon rule us all!
Guinea Pig Flight
Throughout history, guinea pigs have yet to use their superior intellectual abilities to reach their full potential as a race. This is in no fault of this superior race for they have been doomed with chunky body