From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“What happens when you pull —”
The guillotine is a kitchen tool formerly used by the French in their quest to make better cuisine. It operate by a simple mechanism that proceeds to permanently kill the subject of the dinner, thus the term "Blood thirsty", since rich noblemen and women blood is considered a fine wine. In fact, the quality of the wine is based on how much the diner screams at the blade of the guillotine, or shortly afterwards. The inventor of the Guillotine is Dr. Guillotin, but really it was invented by Christopher Walken and used on a mass scale by Bill Gates.
Other than the above mentioned origins, the guillotine has a rather uneventful history. It was re-named in 1789 after Dr. Guillotine. Dr. Guillotine was noted for his advances in medical practices, and often used a modification of Sir Halifax's invention for precise methods of amputation.
For you history buffs, here is short list of the many contributions the guillotine has made towards the progression of society to eventual world-peace:
- 660 B.C.- King Solomon uses the Guillotine to solve the problem between the two mothers and the baby.
- 0 A.D. Guillotine is considered for the drop of the ball of New Years Eve 1 A.D..
- 1280-Sir Gibbet Halifax presents the "Happy Halifax Hacker" to the King.
- 1559- (March 17) Spammer and G-Dogg are introduced as mascots to help increase the appeal of the HHH to the new generation of youthful nobles.
- 1559- (March 18) Spammer and G-Dogg are removed from their jobs as mascots, and are replaced with Happy (Severed) Head, and Guilty the Guillotine.
- 1564- A home version of the HHH called the "Maiden" is introduced to the retail market.
- 1764- This year is unfortunately killed by a Guillotine.
- 1788- Dr. Guillotine first uses a modified Maiden in a successful life-saving operation.
- 1789- Dr. Guillotine releases his line of peace-makers based off of the HHH. The blade is made wider for easier incisions.
- 1791- The "Dr. Guillotine Peace-Maker" hits the mass market in France.
- 1792- All of Guillotine's Peace-Makers are sold out; the doctor uses his profits for saving orphans.
- 1794- A monument of the Guillotine's product is erected at he Bastille in France, in honor of newly-achieved peace attributed to the great machine.
- 1870- Leon Berger, a carpenter and surgeon, tweaked Guillotine's invention for added safety. Among the changes were a "safety spring system," a "saftey release mechanism," and a smiley face painted below where the patient's head was put through the blacks, so as to relax them and reduce the risk of surgical errors caused by squirming.
- 1872-Berger's adaptations hit the market.
- 1905-The guillotine is used in a somewhat-successful head transplant.
- 1968- The last public, official, government-consented execution of a convicted criminal by guillotine occurs for the next ten days.
- 1991- Death toll of the guillotine reaches 1,000,000. The second million is reached four minutes later.
- 2000- Some Stupid Teens use the guillotine to cut unstable dynamite, it turned out well, They were going to detonate it anyway so it doesn't matter.
Sir Gibbet Halifax's invention did not reach widespread popularity immediately. Many erroneously claimed it to be a dangerous contraption, and it long shunned by common society. Initial production costs were very high, as well. Once they reached the market, the Halifax Happy Hackers often cost an arm and a leg. Theivery was low, however, for the design of the machine cost riff-raffs boosting it even more than the occaisional limb (figuratively). Only nobles with many hands at their disposal could afford the early versions.
The religious world began investing into Halifax's stocks shortly before the introduction of the maiden. By this point, Sir Halifax's descendants were growing wealthy from the income brought by the machine. They tried to capitalize, and launched a campaign to promote the device. Their mascots, Spammer and G-Dogg, appealed to the youth of the late Dark Ages and early Renaissance. Along with the campaign came the first mass-produced Hackers, which were to be Beta versions for the soon-to-come Maidens. Before the Maiden hit retail market, Scammer and G-Dogg were dropped, because they alienated the ever-righteous and pure religious world from the Hackers.
The Maiden was smaller, lighter version of the HHH, which allowed increased production at lower cost. The initial excitement of its introduction brought people out from all over the world to see and purchase it. Daily demonstrations were held by crafty salesmen in every town square. They'd select a volunteer from the audience, who would step up. They would then lay the volunteer down on a wooden platform set against the Maiden, and let it go. Crowds were awed by the power of the Maiden. The One True Church saw an opportunity open: Not everyone could afford a Maiden or HHH, yet none wanted to be severed from the body of those who could use and watch them at any time.
A man of the Church, Dr. Guillotine first gained access to the Maiden through his parish. He doubled by night as a surgeon, to pick up extra cash that he deposited every Sunday in the collections for the poor. Dr. Guillotine became infuriated when he saw that production quantity of the Maiden had compromised safety. One of his patients lost his head and began shouting furiously at the Dr. when the metallic instrument on the machine came loose and cut him. Guillotine apologized to the man whose profuse spilling of "Bloody" filled the room. Guillotine vowed that no one else would be injured with this device, and soon designed his own version. Guillotine drastically improved the safety of the device, and released his own version. The market ate it up, and soon all of Guillotine's branded "Peace-Makers" were sold out. Mostly Church parishes bought the Peace Makers in the beginning. The Maidens and HHH's that most possessed were old and had fallen into disrepair. Guillotine offered to cut his device's cost for the church.
edit The Modern Guillotine
The guillotine as we know it today was adapted from the 1790's model by Leon Berger in 1870. Berger, a notable member of his community, had just taken up post as the local surgeon in his area, and sought a new way of performing successful procedures. He soon found Dr. Guillotines line of surgical tools, and was most impressed by the Peace-Maker. He bought one and took it home, but cut himself during assembly. He vowed to be the first, last, and only person to receive a lasting wound from the device, and worked heatedly on improving its safety. He connected a safety chain to the blade to prevent accidental or premature lowering, which could endanger the patient's neck. Still, he felt it too dangerous, and added a safety mechanism that would release the blade from the frame for better execution of the procedures. The first patient he opperated on with the machine was rather nervous of it, and was almost permanetly injured. Only Berger's skills as a surgeon saved the patient from living the rest of his life out maimed. Berger again set to work, adding a smiley face that the patient could see when resting on the bench head-down. This relaxed patients and eliminated squirming. Since Berger's design, no modifications worth mentioning have been added to this absolutely perfect device.
edit How To: Use The Guillotine Yourself
- First Step Place your head in the half-circle of the board, make sure that there is a crowd of spectators watching. (Hint: the best time for this may be during a blackout, when the power is off, therefore no Television, and the lighted torches for lighting add a nice effect).
- Second Step Slide the other semi-circle plank into place, until you get a square board with a circular hole, with your head in it. (You may need help with this) Ask a priest to give you your Last rites, or don't if you don't want them. Or maybe you're an atheist, I don't know. Then, taking the rope with the blade attached to it, Give the rope to the next person beside you and ask them to let go when ready.
- Third Step After the rites and final goodbye, the next thing you should do is have a nice day smile on your face. Then ask the executioner to let go of the rope while getting a drum-roll. The blade wont reach you for another 1.2 seconds, during that time you can say your last words while your body on, but I doubt you can do that. What you can do is rethink your life, or have it flash before your eyes.
- Final step and breath After your head has fallen off into the basket, you have about 30 seconds before you become unconscious, followed by death. Ask the executioner to show your head to the crowd, to prove that you're pretty much a goner and maybe you can get the appreciation that you waited for all your life. No promises.