“There is nothing so powerful as Guildford; And often nothing so strange.”
“Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather just go to Guildford”
“I love Lennox Lewis and I love Guildford”
Guildford is a very very large village on a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse home of Ford Prefect see Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of Guildford. With easy access to London and the south coast, it is the jewel of Surrey. Guildford was founded by the Romans in A.D 52. In 1976, a bit of the Omen was filmed there. But what happened in between? Well the short answer is nothing. The long answer is, Not Much.
Guildford was ranked number 13 in 'The Greatest Village Not On Earth' poll from The Guardian newspaper.The name Guildford is thought to of been derived from 'Golden Ford Escort' where the first ever, and only Golden Ford Escort was made. The Golden Ford was driven up and down the high street in the early eighteen hundreds by Cher, who at the time was only 43 years old.
People who live in Guildford are known as tight-fisted Guildfordians and there are many places that residents of Guildford can join or frequent. Such as; The Guildford Cruise, The Guildford Unbenevelonce Fund, The Women's Institute, Church flower rotaries, the Royal Uppity Toffs' Grammar School and of course, The Guildford Schools Of Chavs And Tarts (Guildford County and King's College)
Some notable residents of Guildford include; local hardman Jack "napalm" O'dwyer, Chris Evans (BBC DJ), Nelson Mandela and Walt Disney. All of which were members of The Guildford Social Retard Foundation. Guildford is also known for being the chillout zone for many old ladies or as they are known in Guildford; G.I.L.F's.
Tasty octogenarians aside, Guildford has seen a rise in high street gangs in recent years. The vicious gangs known only as the “Yaaaaaaaaaas” and the “Raaaaaaaaaas” were documented by Louis Theroux in an in depth BBC documentary, “When Louis Met… every prepubescent girl in England (‘hey they can’t all say no!’)”
Using his gargantuan nose Louis deciphered that the gangs were entirely populated by young girls, who to be initiated into the cult had to track down and devour the loveable native Ugg beast; donning its wooly feet as a sign of power.
Furthermore, Louis found that in order to ascend the ranks of the Guildford scene the girls must spend copious amounts of time in ‘Clair’s Accessories’ and ‘Jack Wills’ among other toilsome hell holes that continuously regurgitated the same brain cell depleting Rihanna soundtrack and don’t actually sell anything of discernible value.
Most shocking of all though is as the girls reach the elite end of the gang ranks their skin begins to radioactively glow a florescent orange color. Although the lab tests were inconclusive it is only assumable that these girls are irradiated by the toxic content of the gallons of Starbucks Coffee they use to maintain their superhuman powers of annoyance.
In later life the only two words the girls can pronounce are “Yaaaaaaaaaa/Raaaaaaaaaa” dependant on gang allegiance respectively, in combination with sporadic “like”s and the most common cause of death is unprovoked axe to the face, legally classed as an act of God.
Guildford hosts the world famous guilfest at stoke park every millenia. This sacrificial event attracts about 4 people every 20 million years with each guest participating in a whos ears can take the most shit music competition. However the beardy lady of guildford often ingests the various guests as she strives to become a cave troll.
The Almighty Ruler of Guildford
Guildford is more supervised than anything, by the legendary 'bearded lady of guildford' who can be seen often in McDonalds in the Friary Centre watchfully guarding her loyal subjects. Her subjects take pictures of her like little perverts prancing in her wake and fulfilling her every need. She is an inspiration to many, an idol, a silver lining on the horizon, heck, she's even a God to most. In fact, a new cult, called Guilbarbism has arisen who answer the many of the moral questions regarding her highness, for example, the truth to her gender, the secrets of her charisma and whether she does in fact eat children or not. She is a mystic and magical idol of Guildford and many fear they will never know the truth of their wonderful leader.