For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Guild Wars.
“I enjoy playing the Lumberjack because it allows me to wield nunchucks.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lumberjacks in Guild Wars
“As long as I control this OBELISK, it will strike any foe who venture near.”
~ Mage on Why OBELISKs are Crucial to Survival.

The original cover art of Guild Wars, before being replaced by a Mime.

Guild Wars (2005-Whenever), often known simply as Build Wars, is a computer graphic video game adventure disk available in very tightly packed and even more tightly packed versions. Guild Wars was a massive hit, especially among the elderly, the pregnant, and those who may become pregnant, and went on to sell millions of copies, due to the lack of any Monthly Costs.

Guild Wars added many new features never before seen in a computer game, including: weapons, swords, fighting, and Scantily-Clad Females.



Actual in-game gameplay. Note the health bars and gritty, urban atmosphere.

Guild Wars' gameplay revolves around the player's natural instinct to reach level 20 and thus, become King of the Universe. Players use a variety of weapons, skills, and sexual innuendos to gain experience points to reach the magic number. Quests, another form of the experience-point delivery system, commonly involve killing a number of creatures, gathering a certain number of resources, finding a difficult to locate object, or delivering an item from one place to another. Another lifelong goal of a player is to hoard vast amounts of money

When creating a character in Guild Wars, players have many professions at their disposal.


The Ranger uses ranged weapons, resulting in a far greater range than any enemy could muster. Rangers use their range superiority to outmaneuver their enemies and uses their ranged weapons on them as often as possible. This is also the only class that indulges in prolific animal abuse, ordering their pets into battle ahead of them as meat shields so that the ranger can bravely stay as far from direct confrontation as possible.


Monks are the barbers and tattooists of the Guild Wars universe, as is evident based on their (lack of) hairstyle and their prolific skin art. Skilled masters of the razor-blade, these mighty warriors are feared throughout the land.


An Elementalist in full body armor, ready to do battle.


By far the most favored character option, the lumberjack deals massive damage in battle, and is the only profession that can wield nunchucks. Lumberjacks, due do their unbalanced nature, were for a time the only profession allowed in PvE (player vs. environment), however this situation was later resolved by patching their overpowered nature. This process involved a very painstaking reworking of their flannelette shirts into new effeminate pinstripe designs.


Elementalists are the close-combat specialists in Guild Wars. While Lumberjacks use their extendo-arms to reach their enemies, elementalists charge into battle, often wearing heavy armor and unnecessarily large helmets. Elementalists are also healers in Guild Wars, due to either robustness and high amounts of adrenaline.

Non-Ele MentalistEdit

Non-ele mentalists are renaissance courtesans obsessed with everything pink. Armed with a fistful of pink signet rings they cunningly sachet into battle, often unnoticed, to unleash a smorgasbord of hypnotic attacks and shoelace-tying tactics. They're really annoying. Like a bored school kid with a marker pen and nothing better to do than to draw penises on your back.


The first of several new characters to be introduced into Guild Wars, Assassins were conceived as a means to remain undetected in locker rooms. They are generally shunned by the player base due their lack of damage-dealing skills. Players who choose the Assassin must resort to uttering unkind things and thinking nasty thoughts. When you see an assassin running at you to damage you, it should remind you of the annoying kid at school (you know, the squirrely guy) and you just want him to go away even though its not a big deal, resembling that all assassins are a minor inconvenience that you can dispose of quickly.


Spirit-spammers spam spirits. They have some kind of magical link to an extra-dimensional distillery that produces quite a large quantity of spirits, and the spirits scattered around the field of battle can be used for both medicinal and harmful effect. Spirit spammers are all the rage at any disco as well, although some regard their dance moves as a bit creepy.


Another late addition to Guild Wars, the Cheerleader character is primarily focused on shouting. With their intoxication levels soaring several times over the legal limit, Cheerleaders reinforce the awesomeness of their friends by spouting a wide array of half truths about how superior they really are. Male and female Cheerleaders are indistinguishable, both baring significant amounts of midriff and wearing miniskirts.


Whirligigs are masters of self-enhancing steroid use and wade valiantly into the fight waving mighty battlesporks. Men and women Whirligigs alike all wear long dresses. The Great Zehtuka once proclaimed that the sight of a battlespork-waving steroid enhanced lunatic in a dress is the second most terrifying thing to behold under the hot desert sun.



The Guild Wars production team at work.

Guild Wars was developed by A PC Game Developer and was completed in 2005. Development took under three centuries, a remarkable time-frame which allowed A PC Game Developer to create Hype with greater ease. 14 State-of-the-Art Machines were used in the development process. It is rumor that a PC Game Developer actually paid programmers to do its bidding, but that rumor is unfounded. Guild Wars was likely developed the more-common voodoo and ninjas method of production, which is mostly random and yields varying results. Needless to say, the method must have worked, because Guild Wars was one of the most popular Internet-Enabled Playing Role PC Computer Game System Disks ever to be produced by a PC Game Company. A PC Game Developer also continues to develop in-game events that generally coincide with real events such as Christmas, Halloween, and the Apocalypse. These events feature mini-games, quests, and even free money. Guild wars support team is a bunch of emotionally deprived anti socials that like to behave like politics and ban people for fun. The team also likes pickles.


As noted before, Guild Wars was one of the most highly-regarded Internet-Enabled Avatar-Based Role-Playing Personal Calculations Machine Entertainment System Compilation Disks That Rules Nutsacs of all time.