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“Holy fucking shit, Guernsey is crap!”
“Oh dear, it's getting cold. I'll get my jersey”
The Channel Islands are a group of islands (the bailiwicks of Jersey and Guernsey) situated in the English Channel off the coast of Normandy. The precise location is unknown and may never be revealed as nobody is really interested in finding them. Adolf Hitler was said to have found the islands sometime during the second world war and his lasting legacy was a load of bunkers built to protect his troops from the incredibly dull locals. Apparently the bunkers were so dull he built walls around some of them to ensure nobody has to visit them at any time in the future. In a surprise turn, the bunkers are now interesting to anybody unlucky enough to visit. However, the locals are still utterly dull. The legend of the total dullness of the Channel Islands has even prevented the Asylum Territories of Argentina from lodging any territorial claim.
Today, this pointless island is ruled by His Grand Excellency and Ruler of the Universe, Jim Bergerac (a direct descendant of Ambassador Croque Monsieur). Her Royal Highness Diamante Lil takes on many responsibilities as First Lady and shows great interest in the preservation of bunkers and the exciting island wide promotion of the colour beige.
Of all the Channel Islands, Jersey, Guernsey and possibly Alderney are rumoured to be the only islands habitated by humans. Mythology tells us that the remaining islands (Alaska, Skaro, Nevada, Alcatraz, Sark, Herm, Tatooine, Jethou, Ibiza, Brecqhou, Tasmania, Iceland, Madagascar and Lihou) may be inhabited by other species of animals, some not known to man, however, Jersey has recently been condemned due to the whole population being Snooki and the remainder of the cast of the Jersey Shore. Most people believe this because Jersey is home to Camp Crystal Lake and Elm Street. A kitten huffing cult made a preliminary search for the islands but were last seen in Wigan trying to park their hovercraft. The island group also consists of some uninhabitable bits of rock known locally as Burhou, Casquets, Newcastle, Minquiers and Mallorca.
The island of Guernsey is rumoured to have the most modern road system in the world with no speed limits or traffic lights on the entire island. According to legend, every visitor to the island is given their choice of ten top shelf vehicles and allowed to travel anywhere.
Guernsey is described by Jersey people as being "different, but similar enough to be spooky" and is also seen as a "lesser island" (although Guernsey residents will be quick to point out that they are not the "lesser island" as they have 12 fingers, unlike Jersey people who only have ten sometimes).
Jersey in recent years has gained fame and notoriety for its hosting of the 'Jersey Live' festival. This is a live music festival comparable with Glastonbury or Woodstock. Last year it was attended by 50,000,000 people and was compered by Jeremy Kyle (whose television programme coincidentally is entirely filmed in a bunker in St Ouens). Unfortunately the mood turned sour when Kyle's side-kick, Graham Stanier, had to be forcibly removed from the venue after he overdid it at the 'Spice' stand and spent the next two hours running around naked with only a Jersey Royal shoved up his jacksy and shouting at the top of his voice 'the show is only the beginning...'. He has since been sanctioned and offered his own rival show on Channel Five, which he will be co-hosting with Trisha Goddard. Next years festival is already set to have a top line up with rumours that Rick Wakeman will be headlining and Steve Brookstein is also set to appear (where he will appear has yet to be determined).
As a means of increasing the islands' standard of living to make it comparable to that of Scandinavia, the civil authorities in both bailiwicks in the Channel Islands have, in collaboration with influential American advertising agencies with French clients, erected powerful television transmitters on the islands, directed towards Great Britain. Risqué French TV dramas and fashion programs (dubbed into Norman French) are being transmitted to sway the British away from their dose of British TV dramas and cricket matches and, as a result, to make them watch the advertising agencies' French clients' commercials. With decreasing success, the BBC is retaliating by attempting to block the signals.
It is predicted that, within the next ten years, the British will all be drinking French champagne, wearing sandals, reading Elle France and again be speaking Norman French.
Experts predict that the next fifty years will see Jersey evolve from being mildly to moderately dull, a wild change for the residents to take in and sure to have global implications.