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“I appeal to the Greater Gud”
Are you feeling down on your luck? Do you feel empty inside? Maybe there’s something missing from your life? Well, don’t turn your back on happiness, let Gud fill that void. What? You haven’t heard of Guddism? Well, it’s pretty much the best religion ever.
OK. You know how God created the world in seven days, right? Gud could have done it in three. You know how Jesus split bread to feed an army and turned water into wine? Gud just put this cake in my pocket. Mmmm, that’s good cake. Do you like cake? If you do then Guddism’s definitely the right religion for you.
edit Who Is Gud?
So, I hear you saying, “I want to know more about this Gud”. Well, for a negligible price you can. Just send ten dollars, plus postage and packaging to ‘Eternal Happiness’ P.O. box 3343, in Christchurch and you will receive an explanatory three DVD box set in the mail. So, now I bet you’re thinking, “How can you put a price on religion? Those DVD’s should be free.”
And if you’re thinking this then you obviously don’t realise just how great Guddism is. This isn’t the sort of religion you can just give away for free. Most religions are free for a reason. They’re worthless. Guddism is priceless. Can you really put a price on eternal happiness? We can.
Our basic subscription pack is one hundred and fifty dollars, but the premium membership plans can cost up to five hundred dollars. It’s highly recommended that you get the premium membership. You wouldn't want to get to Haven to find someone’s taken your spot.
What? You don’t know what Haven is? What are they teaching you in schools these days? Basically, it’s like heaven, but better. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not knocking heaven or anything. It’s nice, a little overcrowded, but nice. Of course you don’t wake to the sound of singing angles and spend your days in a dream liken in Haven, but heaven’s still pretty good for your average John Smith. All I’m saying is, do you really want to lower yourself to those standards? You know you’re better then everyone else in this world. Book yourself a place in heaven and you won’t have to spend your afterlife listening to people talk about cars and dirt. In Haven people talk about stuff you’re interested in.
edit Subscription Packages
Anyway, Guddism could be a lot more affordable then you think. For starters we are currently offering discounts for people converting from other religions. A converting Atheist will receive a twenty-five dollar discount and a converting Christian could receive up to 50% off their subscription! Secondly we’re currently offering a ‘cashback’ deal for converting friends to Guddism. Five dollars for every new member! And those conversions could be a breeze with this forty-five dollar Guddism conversion kit. I have one and just look at me, I’m a converting machine.
edit The Greatness Of Guddism
By now you must be pretty interested in Guddism. You’ve heard all about its greatness and awesomeness. But you still haven’t heard the best bit. Holy wars! Have you ever thought about fighting for what you believe in? Well now you can. Guddism involves three years of mandatory armed service. If you’re lucky you’ll get to go looting while you’re overseas! If you’re really lucky you’ll die and get to be with Gud!
So, if you want to be empowered with indominatable spirit, join me, and Gud, in holiness. There’s no money back guarantee but we can guarantee you’ll be reserved a space in Haven. And remember; life isn’t forever but death is. You might think “Nah, it doesn’t matter; nothing bad will happen if I don’t join”. How about eternal pain and suffering for a consequence, huh? How about Damnation? Did you think of that? Do you really think Hell will be fun? So just repent, join Guddism, your soul will love you for it.