Guam
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“Guam is a shit-hole, reminiscent of it mother country(PI) and its capital city(Del Guamo)”
~ Oscar Wilde on Guam
“Guam??? that's somewhere in the Carribean right?”
~ Some clueless guy on Xbox Live
| |||||
| Motto: Que nous muertus, est bon par travail
(Latin: "ey nefew cum work 4 mee") | |||||
| Anthem: "Ai! Bro! " | |||||
| Capital | Del Guamo | ||||
| Largest city | Filipino City | ||||
| Official languages | United Statesian, Tagalog, Guamese|Guamalog | ||||
| Government | Tribal Gerentocracy | ||||
| Head of State | Imelda Marcos | ||||
| President | Hillary Clinton | ||||
| Lieutenant Governor | Felix Camacho | ||||
| National Hero | Ferdinand Marcos | ||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | When Spain declined for some reason. | ||||
| Currency | Filipina mail-order brides, coconuts | ||||
| Religion | Tagalog Voodoo: Driving a Honda(Philippine Flag on Rear View) & Speaking in tongues (Tagalog Language) | ||||
| Major exports | Immigrant Zombies, Strawberry bread pudding, Headless black chickens, Hotdogs, gravediggers, Meg Ryan, Cursed Gold, (to Hawaii) Brown tree snakes | ||||
| Major imports | Fresh Blood, spades, Brown chickens | ||||
Guam is a gigantic island located in the South Pacific, hidden somewhere in the Mariana Islands (not to be confused with the Marinara Islands whose inhabitants are much more savory and delicious). The Marianas were named after Queen Mariana of Spain and Guam itself was named after her 3' tall toothless servant Bonafacio Isidro Pinche Del Guamo. After Queen Mariana left the island chain to return to her own people, Del Guamo stayed, with the express intention of forming his own colony, where he could practise voodoo.
Guam was acquired by Spain in the 1500's and for 400 years the island was mistaken for the Philippines by various aliens on shore leave. Spain's reign which lasted until 1898, when America claimed the island as part of the prizes in the Great Cola War of 1898. America won Guam and Imelda Marcos' shoe collection. The Spanish got a case of Rice a Roni and some Turtle Wax.
Recently, the indigenous population has been involved in the continuing battle to have themselves recognized by the United States, although for some reason the mainland STILL thinks of them as Filipinos.
Guam is the island next to the CNMI, people of Guam think the people of CNMI still live in huts and wear grass skirts. Guam is full of young boys who think they are tuffer den ur aferage. Guam is recognized internationally as a breeding farm for Iron Man competitions.
Guam is also the prime vacation spot for billions of Japanese and Korean who are too cheap to spring for an actual vacation to Hawaii or the mainland US. Hence the abundance overtly American enterprises and seemingly out of place cutesy Hawaiian things and about 348,976 Outlet malls selling crappy off-brand clothes at mark-up.
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[edit] Exports
The main export on Guam is Military Household goods. The locals are hoping that empty beer cans or coconuts become a valuable commodity somewhere .
[edit] Cuisine
Meat on a stick whether it be pork, beef or poultry is a staple food thats about it along with Rice and Spam.
[edit] The History of Guam
It was sometime in 1823 that Oprah landed on Guam, bound for the East Indies with a boat full of slaves, pirate gold and small children named Simon. There, she subjugated the island to her will, changing the native custom of slaughtering black chickens to the black art of resurrecting the dead. It has been rumoured that this was so she could travel back in time, but this has never been proven.
Soon enough there were enough zombies in Guam to require a changing of the Constitution. Where it once said "all men are created equal in the eyes of God", it now reads "all creatures are formed and re-formed, gooey and screaming, equal in the eyes of their creator, the mad witch".
Due to the unsanitary and often downright dangerous working conditions on Guam, the 21st century has seen increasing numbers of zombies travelling to the United States of America searching for a better life. Unlike their earlier predecessors, who faced ridicule, bullying, and gunshot wounds to the cranium, the "No More Room In Hell Act" has allowed them to stand up and fall apart, pround to be who they are.
[edit] The Native People of Guam
The native people of Guam are known as Guamie bears who speak their native language Guamese. Originating from Southeast Asia, the Guamie bears have a rich culture including 712 ways of cooking Spam and 34 ways of pronouncing the native word "Bro." It was also the Guamie bears that invented the "High Cholestorol Diet" which was a popular weight loss trend in the late 90's. Unfortunately a side effect of the weight loss was the loss of ability to be alive.
Hello in Chamorro is "Hafa Adai" not to be confused for "Half A Day" which is about how much work you can get out of one.
In the countryside of Guam, there are men who's full time job... no wait, locals are too lazy to have jobs. That is why Guam's nymphomaniacal women prefer to be courted by sailors and servicemen when in port, the inability to maintain an erection plagues the local bloodline. Some women get imported and their full time job is to have sex with sailors, but again, they are imported, and the military is quite pleased to have been given the option.
The most prosperous tribe by all accounts is that of the Tamales family. This particular family has made its fortune in the tamale market, hustling their wares from village to village. At adolescent and prepubescent ages, the Tamales Kids have already the shrewd business savvy the likes of Donald Trump. Why they're still fat after all that walking and sweating remains a mystery that can only be attributed to dipping into their own stash of delicious tamales.this prosperous tribe is said to have been extinct in the 1990's, by micheal jackson's world tour. (hee!hee!) some inhabitants of the island still rumor seeing members of the "tamales" tribe, roaming the streets asking people to eat their "precious" tamales. rumor has it that one bite of thier precious tamales, made from the "taki"(guamese for harvest) of these tamales kids will grant you riches...
[edit] Driving Habits
The Guamanians are known throughout the world as the slowest drivers on the planet. Many consider it a sin to go anywhere near the speed limit.There is no fast lane on Guam. It doesnt exist. This has something to do with the fact that most of the cars on the road are not safe to drive and driving over 25 mph would cause the wheels to fall off possibly killing a dog hanging out on the side of the road. When 2 cars are going 10 mph under the speed limit next to each other this is called a "Chamorro Road Block". You can tell who the primary driver is in a family by which side of there arm is more tan. This is because the Air Conditioning(Aircon) is broke in most cars and the windows are down with an arm haning out of the vehicle. The most popular Mini Van is a 1991 Toyota pickup truck. They can easily haul there family of 8 in the bed of the truck. Although unconfirmed it is believed that driving schools all across Guam students are taught to come to a complete stop prior to making right turn. This is how most people get new cars because they are rear ended. This rule does not get followed for coming to stop signs or red lights though. The most popular movie by far is the original Fast and the Furious movie. Even with new cars the Guamanians will still put a loud generic muffler and stickers all over there cars even though the style faded many years ago.Automobile styling never progressed after that movie was released in Guam which was 6 months later than in the rest of the world. Walk buy a Civic and yell "NOS" and watch the hiliarity ensue as they all run thinking the car will blow up in a blue flame. "JDM" parts are still popular and if you drive a Honda,Nissan or Toyota anything JDM on it will increase the value. Even if it is a air freshener you bought at the Tokyo Airport Duty free shop.
[edit] Etymology of the Word
Guam is actually named for a large breed of ferocious animals that lived on the island until they were hunted to extinction by Chuck Norris. Many tribal shamen told story of the dreaded Guam, describing how they would steal away and devour their children in the night, "sort of like Michael Jackson." They also steal your shoes and anything else that is available for them to grab. Guam is also known to have the ugliest monkeys, like baboon pigeons, known as Chukees. It is known for its polluted beaches along the coast of africa and north of Europe. People go to Guam to originally eat pigs and other wild animals like baboon pigeons. The most important fact about Guam is that most people there never shower and they are all related to each other. A significant factor in the cause of mental illness on island is the cultural pastime of inbreeding. Also the only website form Guam in existence today is www.dragguam.com/dragboard
[edit] Guam Language
"Hoi", "Hey Bro", "Hafa" - Hello
"Shoot(s)" - Okay
"Shoot-shoot" - Maybe later
"Shoot-shoot-shoot" - No thanks
"Choops" - Cigarettes (eg. Can i have one choop?)
"Mullard" - Im kidding
"Waterblaster" - Pressure washer
"Aircon" - Air Conditioning
"bushcutter" - Weed whacker
"Syke your bebe" - Im kidding your vagina
"One time" - Lets fight/race
"You think your bad/tuff" - Do you think you can beat me up?
"Haoli" - same as in Hawaii, describes a caucasion person
"Yeah bro" - I agree
"Gi menen yu'us" - Honest To God
"Achatma" - Your mistress
"Pari or par" - one's close friend
"You want to JAM?" - Do you want to fight?
"Haaaaaaa?!" - I hope you're ready to fight. Unless a filipino is saying it. In that case, it just means 'I'm sorry. What did you say?'.
"Brown" - the color. However, it can also be used in the same context as "Dude/Bro/Man/Par". (eg. So you think you're tough dude/ so you think you're tough brown?)
[edit] Tips on ensuring a pleasant stay on Guam
- Don't talk to random girls at a bar or club. The girl might be someone's own chick, and that someone's pari or par might be at the same establishment and watching you. Be prepared to scrap.
- Everyone on Guam has a martial arts background. Make sure you have taken some classes prior to mingling with the local population.
- Stay clear of the village of Agat, formerly known as Agat Blood Town. There are a lot of gang bangers in this district, and they like to wear red
- Stay clear of the 80's model Toyota/Nissan pickups. Usually primer in color with a lowered suspension. The driver is usually someones pari, whose waiting to jam with you after his pari told him that you were talking to his chick at the bar.
- The only beach safe for night time swimming is Tarague Beach on Anderson Air Force Base. Beware the Drunken Master if you choose to venture into the other beaches at night time. The Drunken Master is a 7th Dan in Drunken-Fu and hails from the rugged islands of the FSM, and is down to pound your face.
- There are an abundance of 'fight shops' and other clothing outlets to pick up some solid fight shirts at. They only come in two sizes(medium, large) and in color black. Black is more slimming and makes you look buff if you're really just fat. You'll need one of these if you want a chance of blending in.
- If you have freckles or are just really pale, you're fucked.....unless your name is Andy Wheeler but he has herpes so it evens out.
- Give it a couple seconds after the light turns green.
- No matter how much you like menopausal Koreans, do not buy them a drink.
- The girls behind club Texas aren't girls. And they're not from Texas.
- Familiarize yourself with stuffing take downs, you'll need it.
- If someone asks where you're from tell them your from Agat. Unless they tell you that they're from Umatac first. In that case, tell them you're from Tamuning, but you think your cousin (whose last name is Taitano) is from Umatac. "That's the one with the bridge, right?".
- If you smoke Newports then you're SOL, consider switching to Marlboro Green Light (Marlboro Menthol Lights)
- Keep your ipod charged. Theres only 3 radio stations that play the Top 40s.
