Guam
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“Guam is the bomb chellu.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Guamaka likes guys and brittany spears shaved her head here
“Guam??? that's somewhere in the Carribean right?”
~ Some clueless guy on Xbox Live
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| Motto: Que nous muertus, est bon par travail
(Latin: "ey nefew cum work 4 mee") | |||||
| Anthem: "Colt 45. by Afroman" | |||||
| Capital | The toughest villages aka Yigu and Dededu | ||||
| Largest city | My Chili | ||||
| Official languages | United Statesian, Guamese|Chammoru | ||||
| Government | Tribal Gerentocracy | ||||
| Head of State | Chief Malafunkshun | ||||
| President | Hillary Clinton | ||||
| Lieutenant Governor | Felix Camacho | ||||
| National Hero | My uncle fred | ||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | When Spain declined for some reason. | ||||
| Currency | Weed, Questcard(formerly known as foodstamps) | ||||
| Religion | Tagali hunting | ||||
| Major exports | Immigrant Zombies, Strawberry bread pudding, Headless black chickens, Hotdogs, gravediggers, Meg Ryan, Cursed Gold, (to Hawaii) Brown tree snakes | ||||
| Major imports | Fresh Blood, spades, Brown chickens | ||||
Guam is a gigantic island located in the South Pacific, hidden somewhere in the Mariana Islands (not to be confused with the Marinara Islands whose inhabitants are much more savory and delicious). The Marianas were named after Queen Mariana of Spain and Guam itself was named after her 3' tall toothless servant Bonafacio Isidro Pinche Del Guamo. After Queen Mariana left the island chain to return to her own people, Del Guamo stayed, with the express intention of forming his own colony, where he could practise voodoo.
Guam was acquired by Spain in the 1500's and for 400 years the island was mistaken for the Philippines by various aliens on shore leave. Spain's reign which lasted until 1898, when America claimed the island as part of the prizes in the Great Cola War of 1898. America won Guam and Imelda Marcos' shoe collection. The Spanish got a case of Rice a Roni and some Turtle Wax.
Recently, the indigenous population has been involved in the continuing battle to have themselves recognized by the United States, although for some reason the mainland STILL thinks of them as Filipinos.
Guam is the island next to the CNMI, people of Guam think the people of CNMI still live in huts and wear grass skirts. Guam is full of young boys who think they are tuffer den ur aferage. Guam is recognized internationally as a breeding farm for Iron Man competitions.
Guam is also the prime vacation spot for billions of Japanese and Korean who are too cheap to spring for an actual vacation to Hawaii or the mainland US. Hence the abundance overtly American enterprises and seemingly out of place cutesy Hawaiian things and about 348,976 Outlet malls selling crappy off-brand clothes at mark-up.
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[edit] The History of Guam
It was sometime in 1823 that Oprah landed on Guam, bound for the East Indies with a boat full of slaves, pirate gold and small children named Simon. There, she subjugated the island to her will, changing the native custom of slaughtering black chickens to the black art of resurrecting the dead. It has been rumoured that this was so she could travel back in time, but this has never been proven.
Soon enough there were enough zombies in Guam to require a changing of the Constitution. Where it once said "all men are created equal in the eyes of God", it now reads "all creatures are formed and re-formed, gooey and screaming, equal in the eyes of their creator, the mad witch".
Due to the unsanitary and often downright dangerous working conditions on Guam, the 21st century has seen increasing numbers of zombies travelling to the United States of America searching for a better life. Unlike their earlier predecessors, who faced ridicule, bullying, and gunshot wounds to the cranium, the "No More Room In Hell Act" has allowed them to stand up and fall apart, pround to be who they are.
[edit] The Native People of Guam
The native people of Guam are known as Guamie bears who speak their native language Guamese. Originating from Southeast Asia, the Guamie bears have a rich culture including 712 ways of cooking Spam and 34 ways of pronouncing the native word "Bro." It was also the Guamie bears that invented the "High Cholestorol Diet" which was a popular weight loss trend in the late 90's. Unfortunately a side effect of the weight loss was the loss of ability to be alive.
In the countryside of Guam, there are men who's full time job... no wait, locals are too lazy to have jobs. Some women get imported and their full time job is to have sex with sailors, but again, they are imported.
The most prosperous tribe by all accounts is that of the Tamales family. This particular family has made its fortune in the tamale market, hustling their wares from village to village. At adolescent and prepubescent ages, the Tamales Kids have already the shrewd business savvy the likes of Donald Trump. Why they're still fat after all that walking and sweating remains a mystery that can only be attributed to dipping into their own stash of delicious tamales.this prosperous tribe is said to have been extinct in the 1990's, by micheal jackson's world tour. (hee!hee!) some inhabitants of the island still rumor seeing members of the "tamales" tribe, roaming the streets asking people to eat their "precious" tamales. rumor has it that one bite of thier precious tamales, made from the "taki"(guamese for harvest) of these tamales kids will grant you riches...
[edit] Etymology of the Word
Guam is actually named for a large breed of ferocious animals that lived on the island until they were hunted to extinction by Chuck Norris. Many tribal shamen told story of the dreaded Guam, describing how they would steal away and devour their children in the night, "sort of like Michael Jackson." They also steal your shoes and anything else that is available for them to grab. Guam is also known to have the ugliest monkeys, like baboon pigeons, known as Chukees. It is known for its polluted beaches along the coast of africa and north of Europe. People go to Guam to originally eat pigs and other wild animals like baboon pigeons. The most important fact about Guam is that most people there never shower and they are all related to each other. Also the only website form Guam in existence today is www.dragguam.com/dragboard. However, if you get tired of reading tips and tricks from self proclaimed "mechanics" who drive "fast (Guam speed)" vehicles, feel free to visit SYRGU.COM for more enlightening topics from a wide variety of GUAMMIE BEARS.
[edit] Guam Language
"Hoi", "Hey Bro", "Hafa" - Hello
"Shoot(s)" - Okay
"Shoot-shoot" - Maybe later
"Shoot-shoot-shoot" - No thanks
"Choops" - Cigarettes (eg. Can i have one choop?)
"Mullard" - Im kidding
"Syke your bebe" - Im kidding your vagina
"One time" - Lets fight/race
"You think your bad/tuff" - Do you think you can beat me up?
"Haoli" - same as in Hawaii, describes a caucasion person
"Yeah bro" - I agree
"Gi menen yu'us" - Honest To God
"Achatma" - Your mistress
"Pari or par" - one's close friend
"You want to JAM?" - Do you want to fight?
"Haaaaaaa?!" - I hope you're ready to fight. Unless a filipino is saying it. In that case, it just means 'I'm sorry. What did you say?'.
"Brown" - the color. However, it can also be used in the same context as "Dude/Bro/Man/Par". (eg. So you think you're tough dude/ so you think you're tough brown?)
[edit] Tips on ensuring a pleasant stay on Guam
- Don't talk to random girls at a bar or club. The girl might be someone's own chick, and that someone's pari or par might be at the same establishment and watching you. Be prepared to scrap.
- On Guam, they don't use the USD or Yen as currency, instead the locals use 22R parts as their medium in Bartering, which is their sole monetary system.
- Everyone on Guam has a martial arts background. Make sure you have taken some classes prior to mingling with the local population.
- Stay clear of the village of Agat, the San Francisco of Guam, large groups of men are known to rape little boys.
- The real danger happens to be in the northern part of the island where life is like a real life version of Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.
- Stay clear of the 80's model Toyota/Nissan pickups. Usually primer in color with a lowered suspension. The driver is usually someones pari, whose waiting to jam with you after his pari told him that you were talking to his chick at the bar.
- The only beach safe for night time swimming is Tarague Beach on Anderson Air Force Base. Beware the Drunken Master if you choose to venture into the other beaches at night time. The Drunken Master is a 7th Dan in Drunken-Fu and hails from the rugged islands of the FSM, and is down to pound your face.
- There are an abundance of 'fight shops' and other clothing outlets to pick up some solid fight shirts at. They only come in two sizes(medium, large) and in color black. Black is more slimming and makes you look buff if you're really just fat. You'll need one of these if you want a chance of blending in.
- If you have freckles or are just really pale, you're fucked.....unless your name is Andy Wheeler.
- Give it a couple seconds after the light turns green.
- No matter how much you like menopausal Koreans, do not buy them a drink.
- The girls behind club Texas aren't girls. And they're not from Texas.
- Familiarize yourself with stuffing take downs, you'll need it.
- If someone asks where you're from tell them your from Agat. Unless they tell you that they're from Umatac first. In that case, tell them you're from Tamuning, but you think your cousin (whose last name is Taitano) is from Umatac. "That's the one with the bridge, right?".
- If you smoke Newports then you're SOL, consider switching to Marlboro Green Light (Marlboro Menthol Lights)
- Keep your ipod charged. Theres only 3 radio stations that play the Top 40s.
