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“Holy guacamole, Batman!”
According to legend the first serving of guacomole was supposedly delivered around 1398 when a young Aztec Indian named Tonto failed to heed his mother's warning "If you eat all those avocados you're going to get sick." The young Aztec ate the avocados anyway and shortly thereafter vomited on his father's taco when he wasn't looking, or possible too spaced out on Peyote to notice. Upon returning his attention to his meal and taking a big bite out of the taco, the older Aztec exclaimed: What the guacamole is this! It's good! Guacamole became better known worldwide following the Spanish invasion of Central America, when the Spaniards slaughtered the Aztecs, confiscated their land, raped their women, and raided their refrigerators.
Guacamole is made by rapidly apply something hard and heavy with a flat surface to an avocado after first removing the pit. Examples of hard and heavy objects used include stones, mallets, and Bella Abzug. Failure to remove the pit prior to applying the hard and heavy object will result in shards or splinters in your guacamole similar to what soylent green would look like if you failed to remove all of the bones prior to processing. Typically onions, salt, garlic, and spices are added just like they were in Soylent Green.
Guacamole is quite versatile and among its many uses are:
- Grossing out teenage girls: This should get you out of dating that annoying brat that's been annoying guys everywhere she goes ever since she started doing it in middle school. This use loses effectiveness once said girl learns how good avocado mixed with lime juice, garlic, and other spices tastes on store brand tortilla chips. Once this happens, guacamole has the opposite effect. You have been warned.
- Obtaining early dismissal from school (Pour on and around desk when teacher is not looking, then make loud gagging noise): As with teenage girls, this doesn't work very well if said teacher likes guacamole and has seen enough students' vomit to recognize that most vomit is not light green. This leads to the next use:
- Getting expelled from school (pour on teacher's chair when teacher is not looking): Be careful; this one works every time!
- A useful prop: Guacamole is an excellent visual aid while telling snot, Soylent Green, and Guacamole jokes. After all, not everyone knows what any of those things look like!
- World climate health indicator: The quantity, quality and price of guacamole is directly linked to the quantity, quality, and price of avocados. The quantity, quality, and price of avocados is directly linked to the favorablity of climate conditions for growing avocados. Therefore, the avocado crop is the canary in the coal mine of the global climate system. Declines in avocado crop production indicate the demise of our stable climate and civilization as we know it.
- A food dip: People do like guacamole. Just ask Nobody!
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