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“I can't move!”
~ Alice on being in chains

left to right; bassist ,guitarist ,drummer. typical grunge band. Note that the bassist's guitar is larger.

Grunge is one of the more fortunate offspring genres to come out of heavy metal, named after a board game similar to 'Jumanji' (that one with the animals). The original board game was meant to release a new fantastic sound of music when activated (instead of animals); however, something fucked up along the way and a lot of smelly people from Seattle came out instead. Confused as to why they were there and what had just happened, these smelly people began to pass the time by applying their close-caveman minds into trying to do covers of what they heard on the radio. Unfortunately they had no sense of music or rhythm and all their instruments were broken but this didn't stop them! These proud, dirty, ape-like men demanded their music be played on the radio!

This was achieved by simply scaring the record companies into giving them a contract through threatening to give large quantities of heroin to the unsuspecting public. What the record companies didn't realise was that the junkies of grunge weren't ever going to give their damn heroin away for free, and thus they gave in. Now that their music was going to be played all they needed was some album art. As a result of their love of spinning wheels, disfigured dogs and high-fiving in front of big words this was all achieved in good time.

But as it turns out, a lot of people seemed to buy what ever the hell was being released and it became popular. A Pixies cover band known simply as Nirvana were considered close enough to Seattle, and led the grunge movement despite the fact their music wasn't near as depressing or even grungy enough. Nirvana themselves are not to blame for this - in fact, lead singer Kurt Cobain was so reluctant of this label he ended up killing himself to rid his association with grunge.

edit The Grunge Sound

Guitar Dirty

A Dirty Guitar

The grunge sound is achieved by playing a really sludgy sound on your guitar. Popular grunge band Alice in Chains melted their amps inside Layne Staley's heroin spoon, which achieved the sludgy effect necessary, while Soundgarden decided to inject their amps with holy water, described on their song "Holy Water". Pearl Jam filled their amps with the tears of homeless people. For vocals, grungers usually like to blare out whatever shit they can yell.

edit How to become a grunger

To be a stereotypical Grunger, one must grow the hair. Facial hair is a must. Beards and sideburns if you can...mustaches are gay. Try and grow the bangs and back and sides to an equal length. Then, don't wash it. Ever. Clothes to be worn include ragged jeans and flannel shirts. Wear everything secondhand, including you underwear. And you must have a hate for the subhuman emo scum that corrupt the music industry, although since this is completely irrelevant to grunge fans, no musician ever talks about this (although it is easily recognisable, since everyone hates emos).

edit This May or May Not Have Happened After That

Main article: Post-grunge

Post-Grunge was born when a dirty yoshi egg dropped out of Dave Grohl's ass' arse. Grohl proceeded to sit on said egg until a retarded fetus cracked out, which Grohl named Foo Fighters. One of the Nirvana brothers then formed a band called The Froo (up) Fighters named after his nine-toed hatchling. From this he went on to become one of the the scariest men alive, he also does some devil acting for some spare cash in some lame Jack Black movie.

edit Things you need to know about Grunge


Kurt Cobain and the Nirvana Brothers

  • make sure you stop washing and grooming your self
  • and that all other forms of music are shit compared to it eg cuntry music
  • Selling out is a must

edit Grunge Is Dead

Grunge is DEAD after everyone’s attempt to be Kurt Cobain by not showering has failed miserably. Dave Grohl even clamed that he used to be in a band called Nirvana with Kurt. But after CSI investigated into the issue they only found that Dave had a secret romance with Kurt but no evidence of a band called Nirvana was found.

Recent revival attempts have included taping the sounds of people being mangled by grizzly bears and throwing Hindu children off rooftops in order to capture their screams of terror, but so far nothing has been quite as offensive to the ear.

edit Grunge is Un-Dead

Zombie grungers rise again, beasts of night and uncleanliness. Similar to the average zombie, only more dirty, and more difficult to kill. Known to congrigate around thrift stores and near large stores of dirt. They move as packs and are nearly unstoppable, it is becoming more evident that this possible plague may have some uses; because of the grunges ability to just not care, they appear to have a direct adverse effect to emos, in a scene where all the time is spent adjusting yourself and looking good, grunge is truelly the negative of this, no-one cares; it is possible the grunge zombies could be unleashed into emo heavy zones such as hot topic and malls, to spread their unearthly grime and corruption, killing the emo trend in its tracks. Further investigation is needed..The Zico Chain are a good subsitute.

edit See also

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