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“I can't move!”
~ Alice on being in chains

This is how grunge looks.

Grunge is one of the more fortunate offspring genres to come out of heavy metal, based in Seattle and named after a board game similar to 'Jumanji' (that one with the animals). The original board game was meant to release a new fantastic sound of music when activated; however, something went seriously wrong along the way and a lot of smelly people from Seattle came out instead. Confused as to why they were there and what had just happened, these smelly people began to pass the time by applying their close-caveman minds into trying to do covers of what they heard on the radio. Unfortunately, they had no sense of music or rhythm and all their instruments were broken and sludgy. These proud, dirty, ape-like men demanded their music be played on the radio!

This was achieved by simply scaring the record companies into giving them a contract through threatening to release large quantities of heroin into the unsuspecting public, and worse yet during the aftermath of the 1980s cocaine rush. What the record companies didn't realise was that the junkies of grunge weren't ever going to give their damn heroin away for free, and thus the companies gave in. Now that their music was going to be played all they needed was some album art. As a result of their love of spinning wheels, disfigured dogs and high-fiving in front of big words this was all achieved in good time.

But as it turns out, a lot of people seemed to buy what ever the hell was being released and it became popular. A Pixies cover band known simply as Nirvana were considered close enough to Seattle, and led the grunge movement despite the fact their music wasn't near as depressing or even grungy enough. Nirvana themselves are not to blame for this - in fact, lead singer Kurt Cobain was so reluctant of this label he ended up killing himself to rid his association with grunge, but God only knows this didn't work.

edit History of Grunge bands

Guitar Dirty

If you plan on being a grunge musician, MTV's Unplugged is a must. Take this guitar for help.

The original grunge band was a group of fancy Seattle kids and an Indian called Soundgarden, in 1984. The musicians at Soundgarden were convinced that the slow, chunky Black Sabbath blues metal sound wasn't weird enough for them, so they fused it with odd progressive influences including off-time riffs and alternative tunings, and topped it off with Cornell's irritating ear-piercing wailing over it. This didn't emerge out of an active attempt to create interesting music however; Soundgarden simply had no idea how to play in time, tune their guitars or even sing. The band spawned their hit first album, AAAAAAAAA!, with the title track being a hit single in the Seattle area - unfortunately, it was the 1980s, and alternative music wasn't popular outside of this isolated region.

Meanwhile, a musician called Layne Staley was the vocalist of a local glam rock band, simply named Sleze. After attending a concert and hearing Soundgarden's heavy metal legendary, Staley came to the realisation that his bandmates were talentless faggots and that glam music actually sucks. He joined his close friend Jerry Cantrell and, although unaware at the time, formed the greatest heavy metal band to have walked the earth - Alice in Chains.

Alice in Chains, fuelled by their desire to both warn the post-eighties world of the horrors of drugs and kill glam rock, were by far much heavier than Soundgarden. A nearby band called Pearl Jam, formed by surviving members of the recently defunct Mother Love Bone and fronted by a Scott Weiland impersonator called Eddie Vedder, knew this was no easy feat, and so decided not to even attempt at out-weighing the band. Pearl Jam instead used their sludgy guitars to sing light-hearted poppy ballads about murdering prostitutes, homeless people and incest. After a Seattle punk group called Nirvana, fronted by Kurt Cobain, brought the grunge city of Seattle to the attention of outsiders, it was Pearl Jam's accessible music that brought grunge to mainstream popularity, as the pop radios playing their music completely missed the vulgar, depressing lyrics most of their songs carried.

All this success led to a 1980s funk band called Shirley Temple's Pussy to switch to grunge music and try and rise to fame. Of course, such a name was considered too obscene for a hardcore metal band. They changed their name to Stone Temple Pilots and after writing hardcore songs about sex offence, domestic abuse and going insane, the rest is history. Unfortunately for history, they decided to ditch heavy metal and just became a light-hearted pop-rock band after that.

edit The Grunge sound

The grunge sound is achieved by playing a really sludgy sound on your guitar. Popular grunge band Alice in Chains melted their amps inside Layne Staley's heroin spoon, which achieved the sludgy effect necessary, while Soundgarden decided to inject their amps with holy water, described on their song "Holy Water". Pearl Jam filled their amps with the tears of homeless people and boys named Jeremy. For vocals, grungers usually like to make the most impossible to emulate vocal noises imaginable. Chris Cornell, for instance, usually raises his voice at a pitch higher than Layne Staley on a Saturday night.

edit How to become a grunger


A grunge band, as drawn by a very devoted grunge artist.

To become a true grunger, one must first and immediately stop using the term "grunger" because it's not a word. Facial hair is a must - beards and sideburns if you can. Clothes to be worn include ragged jeans and flannel shirts. Wear everything second hand, including your underwear. And you must have a hate for the subhuman emo scum that corrupt the music industry, although since this is completely irrelevant to grunge fans, no musician ever talks about this (although it is clear they do, since everyone hates emos).

If you wish to truly be admired for your grunge tastes, you must not under any circumstances name "Nirvana" if someone asks you a question along the lines of "name a grunge band". This is equivalent to saying "Michael Jackson" when asked "what is your favourite brand of toothpaste?". If you do not want grunge fans to tear you apart, you must be able to name irrelevant 80s Seattle bands, such as the Screaming Trees or whatever. This will show you have a diverse musical taste and it will make you look smarter, rather than naming actual talented bands like Alice in Chains or Stone Temple Pilots.

edit Post-grunge

Main article: Post-grunge

Post-grunge was born when a dirty yoshi egg dropped out of Dave Grohl's ass' arse. Grohl proceeded to sit on said egg until a retarded fetus cracked out, which Grohl named Foo Fighters. His band Foo Fighters is often labelled "post-grunge" - this has nothing to do with what type of music they produce, but is entirely related to the fact that Dave Grohl was once in a band labelled "grunge".

edit See also

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