Grunge

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“I can't move!”
~ Alice on being in chains
Typicalpand

A typical grunge band, as drawn by a very devoted grunge artist.

Grunge is one of the more fortunate offspring genres to come out of heavy metal, named after a board game similar to 'Jumanji' (that one with the animals). The original board game was meant to release a new fantastic sound of music when activated (instead of animals); however, something fucked up along the way and a lot of smelly people from Seattle came out instead. Confused as to why they were there and what had just happened, these smelly people began to pass the time by applying their close-caveman minds into trying to do covers of what they heard on the radio. Unfortunately they had no sense of music or rhythm and all their instruments were broken but this didn't stop them! These proud, dirty, ape-like men demanded their music be played on the radio!

This was achieved by simply scaring the record companies into giving them a contract through threatening to give large quantities of heroin to the unsuspecting public. What the record companies didn't realise was that the junkies of grunge weren't ever going to give their damn heroin away for free, and thus they gave in. Now that their music was going to be played all they needed was some album art. As a result of their love of spinning wheels, disfigured dogs and high-fiving in front of big words this was all achieved in good time.

But as it turns out, a lot of people seemed to buy what ever the hell was being released and it became popular. A Pixies cover band known simply as Nirvana were considered close enough to Seattle, and led the grunge movement despite the fact their music wasn't near as depressing or even grungy enough. Nirvana themselves are not to blame for this - in fact, lead singer Kurt Cobain was so reluctant of this label he ended up killing himself to rid his association with grunge.

edit The Grunge sound

Guitar Dirty

If you plan on being a grunge musician, MTV's Unplugged is a must. Take this guitar for help.

The grunge sound is achieved by playing a really sludgy sound on your guitar. Popular grunge band Alice in Chains melted their amps inside Layne Staley's heroin spoon, which achieved the sludgy effect necessary, while Soundgarden decided to inject their amps with holy water, described on their song "Holy Water". Pearl Jam filled their amps with the tears of homeless people. For vocals, grungers usually like to make the most impossible to emulate vocal noises imaginable. Chris Cornell, for instance, usually raises his voice at a pitch higher than Layne Staley on a Saturday night.

edit How to become a grunger

To be a stereotypical grunger, one must first and immediately stop using the term "grunger". Facial hair is a must. Beards and sideburns if you can. Clothes to be worn include ragged jeans and flannel shirts. Wear everything secondhand, including you underwear. And you must have a hate for the subhuman emo scum that corrupt the music industry, although since this is completely irrelevant to grunge fans, no musician ever talks about this (although it is easily recognisable, since everyone hates emos).

If you wish to truly be admired for your grunge tastes, you must not under any circumstances name "Nirvana" if someone asks you a question along the lines of "name a grunge band". This is equivalent to saying "Michael Jackson" when asked "what is your favourite brand of toothpaste?". If you do not want grunge fans to tear you apart, you must be able to name irrelevant 80s Seattle bands, such as the Screaming Trees or whatever. This will show you have a diverse musical taste and it will make you look smarter.

edit Post-grunge

Main article: Post-grunge

Post-grunge was born when a dirty yoshi egg dropped out of Dave Grohl's ass' arse. Grohl proceeded to sit on said egg until a retarded fetus cracked out, which Grohl named Foo Fighters. His band Foo Fighters is often labelled "post-grunge" - this has nothing to do with what type of music they produce, but is entirely related to the fact that Dave Grohl was once in a band labelled "grunge".

edit See also

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