From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Directed by||Quentin Tarantino|
|Written by||Tom Freston...and Tom Freston alone!|
|Starring|| Christopher Reeve |
Theodore Bo Geyman
|Produced by||Tom Freston|
|Air date||September 9th, 2000|
Grue's Clues is an award-winning children's animated television show on Nick Jr. The show's intent is to teach children life-long lessons, such as that inanimate objects talk and that grues are harmless. The show is currently airing season five, and recording season six.
It can be seen nationwide on channel 69, and is broadcasted internationally in nine different languages. It has become the highest grossing show on Nick Jr. and a movie version of the show is being recorded.
Creation & Plot
In early 1999, Viacom (the parent company of Nick Jr.) needed to avoid bankruptcy after the massive failure of their previous show, The Wilde Corncherries. The show was first designed to replace The Wilde Corncherries, but later became part of a pyramid scheme by Viacom, the intent being to lure and addict children to television at an early age with programs on Nick Jr., and then continue their television monopoly throughout their teenage years with MTV (also owned by Viacom) and so-forth. The idea for Grue's Clues was created by an elaborate panel of Viacom executives, all especially chosen for their smugness. Despite this, Viacom CEO Tom Freston currently takes credit for the entire idea.
The show’s plot revolves around viewers and show host Reeve (played by Christopher Reeve) figuring out what activity Grue wants to do that day by finding clues planted by Grue; a typical clue would be a dead body.
Merchandise for Grue's Clues is currently a billion-dollar market nationwide. Endorsements include a Grue's Clues cereal, Grue's Clues audio soundtracks, Grue's Clue's video games, Grue's Clues brand condoms, and the much anticipated Grue's Clues movie. In 2003, the show won the "Outstanding Children's Television Programming" award, beating out Bob the Bouncer.
Clues are typically a trail of violence and gore left by Grue. Viewers yell, "A clue! A clue!" to inform Reeve that they have spotted a clue. From there, Reeve digitally photographs the clue and uploads it on his handy-dandy laptop. After he has successfully gathered all of the clues, Reeve then sits down and thinks about what Grue may want to do that day based upon all of the clues he gathered. In just about every episode, Grue wants to kill people.
Because of Grue's insatiable appetite for death, most of Reeve's neighborhood has gradually become a ghost-town throughout the show.
Grue's Clues: The Movie
In early 2006, Viacom announced production of Grue's Clues: The Movie. The movie will include all of the show's familiars and some new characters. The movie will pick-up at the end of season five, and season six is expected to follow events in the movie. The movie is expected to be 130 minutes long.
The movie will be a musical as well as an action-packed comedy. However, it will not be a live-action flick, like many predicted. Instead, it will be in the same fashion as the original cartoon itself with the availability of 3D glasses made out of cheap paper. The only fact known about the content is that the film will revolve around the current crisis in the Middle East, with lots of blood, gore, and nudity.
Although the plot revolves around discovering Grue's clues, there is also a variety of colorful characters in the show who throughout the program ask for the assistance of Reeve and viewers or help Reeve and viewers figure out Grue's clues.
Mr. Couch (voiced by Theodore Bo Geyman) is the main talking inanimate object in the show. It is known that Mr. Couch had a wife, Mrs. Sofa, and two sons, Chair and Loveseat; unfortunately, they were all killed in an off-screen car crash. In just about every episode during season one, Mr. Couch wept over his loss at inappropriate moments.
Reeve frequently shakes down Mr. Couch for the change that has fallen into his cushions, when a few slugs fail to soften him up, he is abandoned out on the sidewalk for a while until he becomes more cooperative.
In early season two, he unsuccessfully attempted to jump in front of rush hour traffic to kill himself. A caring pedestrian pulled Mr. Couch out of the road just before he was hit by an ice cream truck. The pedestrian, who was briefly lauded for his bravery by other bystanders, subsequently crossed the same street and was fatally hit by a taxi almost immediately.
In late season three episodes, he had shown signs of stability due to antidepressants that he claimed his doctor prescribed to him (he refers to them "happy pills").
However, in season four, he tried to kill himself once again by overdosing on his prescribed medication. Luckily, Kinki (see below) drove him to the furniture store just in time, after which he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where he currently resides, and in recent episodes, has been visited by Reeve and Grue. He is scheduled to be released from the psychiatric hospital sometime in season six. Due to his mental instability, he caught the attention of parents and has become the most controversial character in the show.
Salty (voiced by Rev. Zimulator) got laid off from his shit-kicking job at Caine Co. in the first season and descended into alcoholism. However, during the beginning of the second season, viewers and Reeve convinced Salty to attend Alcoholics Anonymous. He was absent during the rest of the second season due to his character's presence at AA, and returned in the third season as a clean man.
However, his soberness didn't last, as he was caught sneaking swigs of vodka during season four, in which Reeve hastily readmitted him to AA. Salty is absent once again in the fifth season. Show staff have refused to make any comments as to when and if he will return.
He casually expresses a deep hatred for Mailbox, rap music, and Democrats. He is also known for telling conspiracy stories about the government and often claims he gets his temper from his Irish ancestry, even though he speaks with a New York, is afraid of Leprechauns, and called Colin Farrell a "stupid cuntymint".
In one episode, Salty was knocked over [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. Amazingly, no salt spilled out from the top of his head, which leads many to believe that he may not actually be filled with salt. Some speculate that he may actually be filled with sugar.
Mailbox has a crush on Salty, who in turn, hates Mailbox. As a result, Salty attempted to murder Mailbox in one episode with a switch-blade. Mailbox also came under suspicion from Reeve and Grue when they noticed needle marks on his arms, possibly suggesting heroin use. Whether or not it was a result of his lifestyle or his suspected drug habits, Mailbox revealed that he had AIDS in season five, after which Reeve made mention of replacing Mailbox with a regular P.O. box.
Throughout the show, Mailbox has endured a series of awkward moments. For instance, during an episode in season three, Mailbox was spotted by Grue admiring himself naked in a mirror with his flaccid penis tucked between his legs, listening to "Who's That Lady?" by Curtis Mayfield.
He can usually be found sitting outside, but when full of mail, he savagely breaks through the front window in order to inform Reeve that he has mail, after which Reeve must sing the "Mail Song" in order to get Mailbox to open his mouth for him.
Reeve (played by Christopher Reeve) can be described as a good-hearted, friendless nerd, addicted to intarweb porn, chess, and D&D (he's a level 5 wizard). Although he's thirty-nine years old, he boasts about still using children's toothpaste.
Until the end of season one, the set of Grue's Clues was his mother's basement. Although Reeve's mother got no screen time, she was often heard yelling down the stairs making ridiculing remarks such as mentioning that Reeve's correct gender could not be determined until he was at the age of seven or that he thought he was gay until the age of fourteen. Reeve's mother died at the end of season four after she fell off of a horse and broke her upper spine.
It is also hinted that he may have been the victim of bullying as a child as he often has flashbacks about his childhood. In one of his flashbacks, he is forced to eat toenails by a schoolyard bully after being given a noogie with sandpaper.
He is also rather ashamed of his body, particularly his feet. During one episode, he refused to take his socks off to get into a swimming pool; his excuse was that he had webbed feet. He even wore socks with sandals in one episode, making him the butt of jokes for episodes to come.
Reeve also used to wear glasses in early episodes, which he replaced for contact lenses in season two after a brief scuffle with Mr. Couch in which Mr. Couch shattered Reeve's glasses and skull with a tire iron. Reeve still holds a grudge, considering he got his ass beat by a couch in front of Kinki.
Hobo (played by Sean Connery) is Reeve's former college buddy and "Master of Obscene Hand Gestures". Although Hobo doesn't live with Reeve, he has been spotted sleeping in Reeve's shed in several episodes. Hobo had an almost daily appearance on the show until Reeve called the police and had Hobo arrested. Hobo is expected to return after his release from prison.
Viewers are anxious for Hobo's return, due to the fact that at the end of the fourth season, Reeve acquired a restraining order against Hobo after he was told by Mailbox that Hobo urinated in his cereal one morning, which was a blatant lie (Hobo actually ejaculated, not urinated, in Reeve's Frosted Flakes).
In every appearance on the show, Hobo speaks in jibberish and can be seen with a cigarette in his mouth. Despite his incoherent babbling, which is mostly a combination of several other foreign languages (mostly Spanish, Russian, and 1337), Grue seems to be the only one able to communicate with him.
As a result, Hobo often communicates to the audience through Grue, and usually has nothing informative or pertinent to say even then. During one episode, while Reeve was on the hunt for a clue, Hobo randomly tells viewers (through Grue, of course) that he is sexually frustrated, and that he hasn't shaved in weeks. However, while being arrested, Hobo suddenly began speaking perfect English with an overly-British accent, using a rather complicated vocabulary to beg police to release him. The use of the word "connotation" provoked police to beat him.
Kinki is the show's only female character and the object of lust for Reeve. Since episode one, Reeve has made every attempt in the book to bang her. Kinki lets Reeve down easy with a little white lie, and Reeve usually reacts negatively and returns home to slit his wrists and weep. She appears to be the only sane character on the show.
She is credited with saving Mr. Couch's life and having a secret affair with Grue during season three. Despite her affair with Grue, it is rumored that her character may be bisexual as she told Reeve in one episode that she had to "call her lesbian lover." Although she said this in an attempt to get away from Reeve at the moment, many hopefuls still suggest that her character may really have a lesbian lover. Regardless, her marital status has never been disclosed.
Lastly, the actress who plays Kinki has been replaced three times since her first appearance in season one. Show producers claim that this was a result of their contact with asbestos which reportedly lined the insulation of the original recording building. The original actress became violently ill, while the actress who replaced her died from mesothelioma.
Grue is the main character on the show and was originally portrayed as an out-of-control monster. However, he has diverted somewhat and is now widely considered to be a psychotic maniac with only one intention: to kill. If it's alive, he'll kill it. If it's dead, that's because he's killed it already. He is also the only black character on the show.
Although Reeve commonly refers to Grue as "his pet", this couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, it's the other way around. In the first episode, Grue proves this by showing viewers a copy of Reeve's shot records and his proof of ownership for Reeve.
There have been a few other instances mentioning Grue's ownership of Reeve throughout the show. During an episode in season three, Grue put Reeve on a shock-collar, while in the first episode of season four, Grue was seen putting water in a dish, most likely Reeve's, considering there are no pets in the house.
Grue's Clues is known for its spectacular musical score and educational song lyrics. Below are some song lyrics often sung during every episode:
But we’ll hit just one more bong,
Thanks for doing your part,
You sure aren’t smart,
You know with me and Grue,
And no help from you,
We can do, anything,
Because we’re not retards!
I hope that it's my porn!